XH "looks like an old man":)

[Moanranger]

I do not know who may remember me but I posted in March 2013 about H at that time who had decided to end our 24 year marriage. Well, fast forward through the Saga of OW, nasty divorce where he wanted me to pay him vast quantities of money, to now, where we are finally near a financial settlement. (actual divorce was on 18 March.)
A friend just messaged me to say she just saw him & he looks like an old man.
My life is just fine - I have a new love & I don't have to listen to his c**p anymore.
My fondest wish is to dance on his grave - with any luck, it will come true!

[freshstart4us]

OP I am amazed at your restraint, after 24 years and OW saga I'd prob be helping an ex into that grave! ;)

Perfectly normal, enjoy the feeling, success and happiness really are the very best revenge.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP already has a new love she says so she's moved on. I didn't post to try to make the OP feel 'bad', nobody should have the power to do that.

I just think how, if you have children together, no matter what - you wouldn't be (even in your head) celebrating the death of a previous partner. The OP's post sounded horrible to me, really... I could understand a happy jig should he have turned bald but not his death and hoping it was soon. That is not the sentiment of a woman happy in a new relationship.

... but AF... a 'pox', 30years' worth? That made me laugh...

[AnyFucker]

an especially itchy and pus'y pox, oh yes indeed

[badgerinapreviouslife]

AF, if you have any spare, I know the perfect home for some of that pox...

[AnyFucker]

I have lots to spare. 30 years worth tends to build up a head of steam...

[sykadelic]

I certainly understand where the OP is coming from and respectfully disagree that you'd have no feelings if suddenly you heard something bad.

I've been away from my abusive ex for 7 years. Our then mutual friends are now his friends, having taken his side and downplaying the abuse. I don't necessarily wish him serious ill, but I would definitely feel a lot of ... something... lifted if I were to hear an apology from those former friends and if I heard his shitty-ness affected HIM somewhere else in life (he's since become a doctor :S). It doesn't mean I hold out for it, or think about it every day, but thinking about it thanks to this post, I would feel a little vindicated perhaps. I think I'd probably welcome a conversation with any of his more recent exes where I could tell them they're NOT alone and while he believes our break-up was a mutual decision (it was safer that way, he was going off to Uni), I locked that door and leant against it when he finally moved out.

All that said, OP has only been divorced for 5 months from a 24 year marriage, and it has only been 18 months since he ended the relationship. Whether we admit it or not, there is a certain feeling that after so long you'll end up sad and alone if you leave your current partner while they're happily walking up into the sunset. The idea of Karma, whether you believe in it or not, certainly feels good to see/hear.

[EveDallasRetd]

It took me about 5 years to 'not care' about my Ex and what he was up to. But at the start of this year, messing about at work, my colleagues and I used his name as a Google experiment - and found him on a dating site.

The joy and utter hilarity I felt seeing him: fat, bald and single again (And in a shit MacJob) was an eye opener. It seems I have a nasty streak (well hidden) and a desire for revenge.


(Don't know if I'll dance on his grave, but seeing him as bald as a cue ball at only 41 made me feel FAB)

[oldfatandtired1]

moanranger I know exactly where you are coming from. My STBX left 2 1/2 years ago, we go to FDR at the end of September. At FDA in March my solicitor and I were in the cafe at court - she said to me 'don't look now but bloke in the corner's looking at you'. not with somebody else's bargepole! - said I! Yes, we went into the Courtroom, and bloke in the corner was my husband. I didn't recognise him, he had aged SO much! Lost all his hair, thin, wrinkled - whereas I have stayed slim (thanks, divorce diet!) and look after myself.

And yes, if he were to drop dead tomorrow - I'd dance on his grave. As would my entire family and all of my friends.

[jayho]

OP, my exH travels a lot for work and for about the first year after separation (OW messy etc) I would pray for his plane to crash. Gradually I started to see the wider world and all the other people on the plane and on the ground and our son. I realised I was just seeing me in wanting him dead and let go, eventually, he was gone and couldn't have any impact on my any more. It felt better than wanting him dead, but I fully sympathise with where you are. (his pot belly still makes me smile.... I'm no saint)

[Twinklestein]

A good dose of schadenfreude never hurt anyone.

[Moanranger]

Interesting responses.
Thanks, all, who understand my POV. A clarification: I don't want him dead; in fact that would be highly irritating - I mean, go through all the hassle of divorce & have X drop dead shortly thereafter? No, what I want is to survivehim, ( basically, he is obsessed with ageing, dyed his hair in a really obvious way from mid-forties on, hypochondriac, hopefully you get the picture. ) He is 61,& dating someone 10 years younger.
We haven't still finalised the financial side, although we are pretty close. Any of you who remember my earlier posts may know that he was really awful & aggressive through his lawyers & we had to hire an expert to value business assets. I feel pretty much over the worst of it, but I won't apologise for my delight at my friend's comment re his ageing

[simontowers2]

You dont have to clarify anything op. He sounds like a dick and it is a perfectly normal and human reaction for you to be happy that things might go tits up for him. Good luck.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You don't need to apologise for how you feel anyway, OP - even if you had wanted to dance on his grave or wish him dead. Your feelings are your feelings.

I haven't read your previous threads and sometimes I can read too literally so apologies for that, OP, I really didn't mean to upset you if I did.

[TobyZiegler]

I think it is true though that you not fully over someone until your reaction on news of them, good or bad, is indifference.

^ this!

But after what you've been through I'd be exactly the same as you.

[WellWhoKnew]

I was going to add that I knew your divorce has been pretty shitty, and if you're still wrapping it up, I so totally get your feelings.

It's only 15 months after a very long marriage - what do people expect?

You'd be weird if you didn't still react in some way.

Okay, you've probably lost all claims to sainthood, but you wouldn't get that until you're in own grave anyway.

Between now and death do take a little bit of delight I think!

[WellWhoKnew]

And if AnyFucker finds that pox, may I just ask we form an orderly British queue?

Bagsy first place.

[Hairylegs47]

I divorced my XH over 23 years ago, he died 7 years ago. But I feel so angry that he never once apologised for the way he treat the children. I've just found out that he had his doctor ring our youngest son when he was 18 expecting said son to give him a kidney as his had packed in. And I'm even more angry!!
The controlling perverted prick doesn't even have a grave I can do the jig on - his family haven't even claimed his ashes. What a bunch of stars they are.
I know I'm well shot, I married a great man who brought up my children like his own, we have a wonderful life, the kind that most folk only dream about, yet I'm still so angry about the way my XH seemed to 'get away' with so much disgusting crap.

OP, I totally get where you are coming from.

[AppleAndMelon]

. He sounds like an idiot - glad you're happy.

[WildBillfemale]

dance on his grave

It's just a figure of speech - no need for posters to get so riled up!

[meltedmonterayjack]

I totally understand your sentiments moan. I am so much happier since I left my abusive, thieving, immoral bastard of an ex. He put our family through utter hell and wrecked a lot of lives. I don't feel I need to or want to forgive him. I don't feel I can't 'move on' (whatever that means) until I have. I don't spend much time thinking about him, but when I do, it's with disgust. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. I know that if I heard what you've just heard about your ex, I'd think he was getting some of his just desserts. I know a fair few friends who would feel something similar about their ex's too. I hope you get the finances sorted soon and you can be totally free of him.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

Another one agreeing OP. I wish nothing but the worst for my XP. He was a lying, thieving, devious, controlling bully who stole my money and my children's inheritance.

A self-centred narcissist boarder ing on psychopath. The only reason I would go anywhere near his grave is to make sure he was dead and if it was a long and agonising death all the better.

BTW he already looked 10 years older than he actually was so fuck knows what the looks like now.

[daisychain01]

I rather like the Frank Sinatra approach to life

"The finest form of revenge is supreme success "

There's nothing nicer than knowing my DP is happy with me after his ex tried to destroy him. And knowing she drives past our house, after she used to gloat at him with her arms folded from her kitchen window when he picked up DS every Sunday morning for 7 years.

Perhaps Schadenfreude is such an elegant word because it does sums up that comforting warm glow from seeing the misfortune of someone we despise, but without having to take the blame for it!

[Cabrinha]

I do find the differing view points on moving on / indifference / being happy interesting to read.

I think if you have anger or bitterness that hurts YOU, it is great when you move on.

But I see no reason why being indifferent to someone who has wronged you is the ideal state. I think it's fine to be amused at their misfortune. Fate redressing the balance.

I left my cheating XH at a similar time as OP. I recently heard he'd been dumped. Did it make my day? No - I'm closer to indifference than that. But did I smile? Hell yeah!
I am happy, I am no less happy for that reaction!

I heard that my XH's first long term gf (who he cheated on then dumped) found out I'd chucked him. They were over 5 years before I met him. So it'd been about 10 years. Apparently, she laughed and said he'd probably cheated on me too and was glad I'd given him comeuppance.
I really expect she hasn't spent 15 bitter years not being happy. She probably didn't think of him in years before.
Just had a little laugh when the mutual friend of his told her.

I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy an arsehole's misfortune!

[daisychain01]

I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy an arsehole's misfortune!

I agree, cabrinha, its human nature. Quite possible to have a secret snigger without bitterness. Its quite a fine line, isnt it.

[Flangeshrub]

OP I get you. I had an abusive boyfriend about 15 years ago, I'm now happily married with 3DC and he occupies no headspace at all.
But, if I heard from a friend his gf had dumped him, or he looked rough or his business collapsed I would feel a frisson of delight. Even seeing him trip in the street would make my heart sing.
What can I say, I guess I'm not that nice or dare I say it...human?