XH "looks like an old man":)

[Moanranger]

I do not know who may remember me but I posted in March 2013 about H at that time who had decided to end our 24 year marriage. Well, fast forward through the Saga of OW, nasty divorce where he wanted me to pay him vast quantities of money, to now, where we are finally near a financial settlement. (actual divorce was on 18 March.)
A friend just messaged me to say she just saw him & he looks like an old man.
My life is just fine - I have a new love & I don't have to listen to his c**p anymore.
My fondest wish is to dance on his grave - with any luck, it will come true!

[AMillionNameChangesLater]

I mean why else would anyone google their X years down the line.

For the same reason I googled my bio-dad? My abuser? because we want to know what has happened to someone who has affected your life in a massive way. I wouldn't want them to be happy, of course not. It makes me human.

I am certainly happy in my life, but going by your logic, I mustn't be.

[eyebags63]

There is something quite pathetic about people who take enjoyment and pleasure out of seeing someone else fall from grace or otherwise suffer misfortune and misery.

Saying someone looked older/thinner/balder/fatter/ whatever, why? - Newsflash, everyone ages and you probably don't look as good as you used to either! And years later how does anyone know other person isn't seriously ill or hasn't had a personality transplant and just run a marathon to raise money for children with cancer?

You don't. It is just nasty petty vindictiveness and I don't believe it is human nature at all. I also think it belies the fact that people are not as happy in the present as they think, I mean why else would anyone google their X years down the line.

[PinkGrapefruitAndCucumber]

allow the OP to be smug fgs!

It hasn't been that long.

[AMillionNameChangesLater]

It's a good feeling, knowing someone who took a giant crap on your life isn't doing as well as you had thought

[Jan45]

Great he looks shit, dancing on his grave - do you really want to hang around for that....

[BitOutOfPractice]

I found out some gossip about my ex yesterday. He has split from the OW after what I heard was "2 years living nightmare" with a women who turned out to be very aggressive, argumentative, and possessive. He has been miserable and this little bird told me that many arguments were about me as she was convinced that he is still in love with me.

I cannot tell you how long and loud I laughed. I actually laughed out loud and then phoned all my friends and mother to tell them and laugh all over again

So, while I wouldn't wish him dead, I certainy get where you are coming from OP.

So glad to hear you are doing so well xx

[Flangeshrub]

OP I get you. I had an abusive boyfriend about 15 years ago, I'm now happily married with 3DC and he occupies no headspace at all.
But, if I heard from a friend his gf had dumped him, or he looked rough or his business collapsed I would feel a frisson of delight. Even seeing him trip in the street would make my heart sing.
What can I say, I guess I'm not that nice or dare I say it...human?

[daisychain01]

I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy an arsehole's misfortune!

I agree, cabrinha, its human nature. Quite possible to have a secret snigger without bitterness. Its quite a fine line, isnt it.

[Cabrinha]

I do find the differing view points on moving on / indifference / being happy interesting to read.

I think if you have anger or bitterness that hurts YOU, it is great when you move on.

But I see no reason why being indifferent to someone who has wronged you is the ideal state. I think it's fine to be amused at their misfortune. Fate redressing the balance.

I left my cheating XH at a similar time as OP. I recently heard he'd been dumped. Did it make my day? No - I'm closer to indifference than that. But did I smile? Hell yeah!
I am happy, I am no less happy for that reaction!

I heard that my XH's first long term gf (who he cheated on then dumped) found out I'd chucked him. They were over 5 years before I met him. So it'd been about 10 years. Apparently, she laughed and said he'd probably cheated on me too and was glad I'd given him comeuppance.
I really expect she hasn't spent 15 bitter years not being happy. She probably didn't think of him in years before.
Just had a little laugh when the mutual friend of his told her.

I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy an arsehole's misfortune!

[daisychain01]

I rather like the Frank Sinatra approach to life

"The finest form of revenge is supreme success "

There's nothing nicer than knowing my DP is happy with me after his ex tried to destroy him. And knowing she drives past our house, after she used to gloat at him with her arms folded from her kitchen window when he picked up DS every Sunday morning for 7 years.

Perhaps Schadenfreude is such an elegant word because it does sums up that comforting warm glow from seeing the misfortune of someone we despise, but without having to take the blame for it!

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

Another one agreeing OP. I wish nothing but the worst for my XP. He was a lying, thieving, devious, controlling bully who stole my money and my children's inheritance.

A self-centred narcissist boarder ing on psychopath. The only reason I would go anywhere near his grave is to make sure he was dead and if it was a long and agonising death all the better.

BTW he already looked 10 years older than he actually was so fuck knows what the looks like now.

[meltedmonterayjack]

I totally understand your sentiments moan. I am so much happier since I left my abusive, thieving, immoral bastard of an ex. He put our family through utter hell and wrecked a lot of lives. I don't feel I need to or want to forgive him. I don't feel I can't 'move on' (whatever that means) until I have. I don't spend much time thinking about him, but when I do, it's with disgust. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. I know that if I heard what you've just heard about your ex, I'd think he was getting some of his just desserts. I know a fair few friends who would feel something similar about their ex's too. I hope you get the finances sorted soon and you can be totally free of him.

[WildBillfemale]

dance on his grave

It's just a figure of speech - no need for posters to get so riled up!

[AppleAndMelon]

. He sounds like an idiot - glad you're happy.

[Hairylegs47]

I divorced my XH over 23 years ago, he died 7 years ago. But I feel so angry that he never once apologised for the way he treat the children. I've just found out that he had his doctor ring our youngest son when he was 18 expecting said son to give him a kidney as his had packed in. And I'm even more angry!!
The controlling perverted prick doesn't even have a grave I can do the jig on - his family haven't even claimed his ashes. What a bunch of stars they are.
I know I'm well shot, I married a great man who brought up my children like his own, we have a wonderful life, the kind that most folk only dream about, yet I'm still so angry about the way my XH seemed to 'get away' with so much disgusting crap.

OP, I totally get where you are coming from.

[WellWhoKnew]

And if AnyFucker finds that pox, may I just ask we form an orderly British queue?

Bagsy first place.

[WellWhoKnew]

I was going to add that I knew your divorce has been pretty shitty, and if you're still wrapping it up, I so totally get your feelings.

It's only 15 months after a very long marriage - what do people expect?

You'd be weird if you didn't still react in some way.

Okay, you've probably lost all claims to sainthood, but you wouldn't get that until you're in own grave anyway.

Between now and death do take a little bit of delight I think!

[TobyZiegler]

I think it is true though that you not fully over someone until your reaction on news of them, good or bad, is indifference.

^ this!

But after what you've been through I'd be exactly the same as you.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You don't need to apologise for how you feel anyway, OP - even if you had wanted to dance on his grave or wish him dead. Your feelings are your feelings.

I haven't read your previous threads and sometimes I can read too literally so apologies for that, OP, I really didn't mean to upset you if I did.

[simontowers2]

You dont have to clarify anything op. He sounds like a dick and it is a perfectly normal and human reaction for you to be happy that things might go tits up for him. Good luck.

[Moanranger]

Interesting responses.
Thanks, all, who understand my POV. A clarification: I don't want him dead; in fact that would be highly irritating - I mean, go through all the hassle of divorce & have X drop dead shortly thereafter? No, what I want is to survivehim, ( basically, he is obsessed with ageing, dyed his hair in a really obvious way from mid-forties on, hypochondriac, hopefully you get the picture. ) He is 61,& dating someone 10 years younger.
We haven't still finalised the financial side, although we are pretty close. Any of you who remember my earlier posts may know that he was really awful & aggressive through his lawyers & we had to hire an expert to value business assets. I feel pretty much over the worst of it, but I won't apologise for my delight at my friend's comment re his ageing

[Twinklestein]

A good dose of schadenfreude never hurt anyone.

[jayho]

OP, my exH travels a lot for work and for about the first year after separation (OW messy etc) I would pray for his plane to crash. Gradually I started to see the wider world and all the other people on the plane and on the ground and our son. I realised I was just seeing me in wanting him dead and let go, eventually, he was gone and couldn't have any impact on my any more. It felt better than wanting him dead, but I fully sympathise with where you are. (his pot belly still makes me smile.... I'm no saint)

[oldfatandtired1]

moanranger I know exactly where you are coming from. My STBX left 2 1/2 years ago, we go to FDR at the end of September. At FDA in March my solicitor and I were in the cafe at court - she said to me 'don't look now but bloke in the corner's looking at you'. not with somebody else's bargepole! - said I! Yes, we went into the Courtroom, and bloke in the corner was my husband. I didn't recognise him, he had aged SO much! Lost all his hair, thin, wrinkled - whereas I have stayed slim (thanks, divorce diet!) and look after myself.

And yes, if he were to drop dead tomorrow - I'd dance on his grave. As would my entire family and all of my friends.

[EveDallasRetd]

It took me about 5 years to 'not care' about my Ex and what he was up to. But at the start of this year, messing about at work, my colleagues and I used his name as a Google experiment - and found him on a dating site.

The joy and utter hilarity I felt seeing him: fat, bald and single again (And in a shit MacJob) was an eye opener. It seems I have a nasty streak (well hidden) and a desire for revenge.


(Don't know if I'll dance on his grave, but seeing him as bald as a cue ball at only 41 made me feel FAB)