Deep down I knew all along

[Pat45]

I have been seeing someone for two years and I actually started to love him. I was single for a long time after a disastrous marriage. I met him through friends and fell in love with him. When I met him he was just 7 weeks out of a 6 year relationship. I was very cautious because I assumed he was on the rebound but we had a great time together and she was with someone else. Fast forward two years and I actually love him.

I was told by some people that knew them as a couple that she loved him and wanted him back. One year into our relationship she contacted him to get back with him. He told me that she contacted him and I was wary but he said he would never go back.

After two years I really loved him and trusted him. I got to know his family and he got to know mine and we got on very well. All along he told me that if she got in touch he would tell me. We have been having such a good time but tonight he told me that he has been speaking to her over the last 4 weeks cos he went into her place of work. He didn't tell me when it happened cos he thought I would kick off. I did but it is because my gut instinct all along worried that he would get in touch with her.

My feeling is that only being split up after 7 weeks when we met he never got over her and being in touch with her was inevitable. I am feeling very jealous and have told him to fuck off and never contact me again. It is the lying to me that hurts the most because I always worried in the early days that they would get back together.

I am devastated because I truly he believed would be honest with me. I feel like I have been taken for a ride and deeply upset that he lied to me. I hope someone is awake and up for a chat.

[Pat45]

I genuinely don't understand why posters think being upset is a bad thing. I don't do polite when I have been fucked about with, which incidentally is not that often. I did ask him last night what went on and the response wasn't very convincing. The chance of me apologising is about as close as a fucking snowball's chance in hell.

[Pat45]

Just thought I should mention that I am taking my anger out on you mums who have taken the time to post. I am not proud and I really do apologise. My heart is broken and I am truly devastated.

[BrucieTheShark]

No way have you overreacted!

He however, has completely underestimated you. He thought you might say 'oh jolly good, glad you are getting on again and it makes you happy. Oh and thank you so such for telling me as we agreed'. He failed to notice the 4 bloody week time delay. What a dick.

Then he can start seeing her 'as a friend' while still keeping you for back up. Then he can make his choice at leisure.

I know I'm jumping to all sorts of conclusions here, but that's what my gut would tell me too.

[LuluJakey1]

I can tell how devastated you are. You might have over- reacted but only you know what has gone on in the last two years between you and what he said they were talking about.

On the basis of what you have said he told you the three things that would be ringing alarm bells with me are:

1. The sudden visiting , a number of times, the place where she works often over the last 4 weeks- coinciding with when he started talking to her
   
2. The mentionitis.
   
3. That he had said he would pop round to collect stuff - stuff he has managed without for 2 years but suddenly feels the need to collect? It sounds like an excuse to validate seeing her. [How would he react, I wonder, if you suggested you could both go and collect the stuff?]
   

Yes he told you about it but it would be suggesting to me he has not got this woman out of his head and does not want to- otherwise, why start increasing contact with her when there is no need to.

But I think you will need another conversation to put the bits in the right place- just not yet. See what pans out over the next few days.

Keep your dignity and be nice to yourself and try, try, try not to overthink it.

[minmooch]

I can feel your anger coming out if the computer. But I too feel that this is such an overreaction and you are in danger of throwing away a good relationship. I can only base this on what you have said in your posts.

The intimate conversations sound like putting their relationship on neutral ground. They can talk. They were married and perhaps this just takes the drama out if their situation. So he is in a position to pick up some of his belongings without there being WW3. Sounds much nicer to me.

Talk to him. Calmly and face to face. If your relationship has been so good surely it is worth talking face to face. Perhaps he felt confident enough in your relationship that he is finally able to lay to rest the drama of his ex.

None of what you have written screams out to me that he wants to return to her.

Nobody is saying that you shouldn't be angry but it is the hysteria about your reaction that seems so over the top. Don't cut your own nose off to despite your face before having the chance to talk it through properly with your partner.

[Pat45]

Brucie, it's the 4 week time delay that bothers me. She contacted him one year to the day that they split asking to get back with him. A very close friend of hers told me that he was the only man she ever loved. I was rattled by that and he assured me that he would keep me informed if she contacted him again. Last night he casually lobbed it into the conversation that they had been in touch 4 weeks ago and had made plans for him to pop over to hers anytime.

I know I am not crazy and really appreciate that you posted to show me support. I am absolutely gutted by this news.

[LuluJakey1]

Now I am a bit confused. Was it just one conversation 4 weeks ago? If so, I have misunderstood, I thought he had been going to see her where she worked for 4 weeks, talking to her.

If it was one casual conversation, I would not be that worried.

[Pat45]

I don't know Lulu. He mentioned last night that he spoke to her at her work place 4 weeks ago. Judging by the conversation they arranged for him to pop over to her house. I didn't catch much after that because I went ballistic. This will sounds bonkers but my gut instincts are really weirdly strong. For the last few weeks, before I knew they had been in touch, I had it in my head that if I drove past her house I would see him coming out of her house.

I have only had this feeling for the past few weeks and it wasn't something that ever entered my head before. Over the years I have had experiences where I will think about things that then happen. It is not uncommon for me to start dreaming the same dreams of people very close to me. My mother and my sister who are the only people who don't think I am bonkers fully understand when I tell them that I knew things were going to happen.

I will stop now before I get this thread moved to 'crazy'. I don't think it was just one conversation.

[Pat45]

Exactly Lulu what does he need to get that he hasn't missed over the past two years. He certainly never mentioned any of the missed stuff to me. They weren't married and have no children together.

Mooch, I am worried that the relationship I am in has been thrown away not by me but by him. I swear I am not paranoid, honestly. Yesterday we drove past her new work place and he nearly broke his neck looking out of the window to check if she was there. The reason I clocked it is because he has been mentioning the place to me an inordinate amount of times in the last few weeks. He was driving and nearly went into the wrong lane. Honestly I know you don't know me but I am not a paranoid person. Now I am starting to sound like I protest too much - I can't win.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi Pat

I think your brill, I'm so sorry your feeling so shite I always say if people listened to their instincts then there would be a lot less long drawn out hurt in the world.

Instincts were what kept Neanderthal man safe from predators and today are still born with us. You were right to listen to yours, even though you are hurting now, you've probably saved yourself from weeks or months of uncertainty that would have gradually driven you mad.

Why shouldn't you put your foot down, your anger is a defence against this hurt and against him.

He has shown himself as weak and
Indecisive he will be in worse place than you in the future if he runs after this pipe dream. You on the other hand can hold your head high, you've learnt your lessons from past experience which very few people can claim to have done.

Kudos to you don't let the bastards grind you down .

[Lovingfreedom]

Put your foot down by all means but it's not going to get you your man back.

[Pat45]

Guilty, thank you so much for your support, it means an awful lot to me. I really believe my instinct was right. I am not exactly holding my head high at the moment - more like in in bed crying my eyes out. It has only been the last few weeks that I have been feeling that strong instinct and it turns out I was right. I don't understand it but I really strongly felt that something was just wrong.

I have gone from being absolutely fucking furious straight to devastated. I have learned from the past and know somehow it will get better. I am not convinced at the moment but will keep moving somehow.

Loving, I don't want him back. The trust I had in him is completely broken. Last night was like a bad dream. He told me that he had been in touch with her like it was great news. It was surreal because it had been on my mind for the last few weeks and I kept telling myself not to be so silly. It happened last night, it was going to happen at some point.

[magoria]

I know you are hurting like hell and have downed enough wine to put me under the table but I want to say well done for being strong enough and confident enough to not put up with stuff which would grind you down.

Only you know the ins and outs of the last two years, the last 8 weeks and last night. We are going on a snap shot of what you post.

Mentionitus, popping in there frequently and having enough conversations so he is at the stage he can pop into hers sounds like a fair few conversations. The craning his neck also says he was looking for her.

I think your instincts are spot on. It may have only been chat now but it would have developed given time and little visits to her house.

Step away from the texts now, sobor up, dust yourself down and crack on with life.

[Pat45]

It wasn't the first holiday we had together. Two years is a long time when you are in late 40's. I stayed single for a very long time to rear my DC. I wasn't driving him away I thought we had a future. I feel let down, I suppose I am not the first.

[Pat45]

Magoria, thanks a million for posting. You are so right, popping into her work was just going to be the start. LOL about the wine, I probably won't be fit to drive until Tuesday. I have stopped the abusive texts and texted him to say I will never be able to trust him again and he can contact me to to collect his stuff. It will be a big week for him collecting his stuff from 2 exes.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Pat I think you've done the right thing. I had a very similar experience with my ex partner. His ex (on off for 7 years) continued to gently tap on his shoulder during our relationship. He promised me total transparency about her and then my spidey senses went ballistic. I'm convinced that in our last four weeks together they'd started communicating again. To be fair we were already on the rocks so not as solid as you felt your relationship was. Within four weeks of me leaving they were back together. Everyone told me I was paranoid, unreasonable, had nothing to worry about blah blah blah. I wasn't. I was bang on.

[Isetan]

Your partner admitted being in contact with his Ex despite saying he wouldn't without letting you know first. The finer details of their contact are thin because you lost your rag and threw him out.

The ferocity of your reaction is being driven by your insecurities and I get the impression that you were always expecting it to end this way. If this is, was the only fly in an otherwise blissful relationship that I really think you owe it to yourself to find out more. I think once the white hot anger has subsised, you might want to cast a more critical eye over everything and not just his behaviour.

[HanselandGretel]

Agree with the spidey sense thing, I knew i was being lied to and my ex was withholding being back in contact with an ex, he denied and blew up at me. Turns out I was right, they are now together.

Pat - you sound like you have managed to get a lot off your chest since last night, not everyone agrees it was the right way to go about it but you know what? I think you were right to let rip, too many of these so called relationship advice websites etc advocate 'no contact' 'take the high road' blah blah, why though?? you have a right to let him know that he has betrayed your trust, four weeks of talking to an ex, dropping her name in frequently, craning his neck FFS - that is not just any ex but the one who dumped him and broke his heart, the one who you had a sixth sense about all along.
But now that you have said your piece please take a step back - you do sound all over the place and give yourself time to get your head together, good on you to not put up with being messed about, I suspect he may wee now come back at you and admonish you for your 'overreaction' - tough, he's been enjoying being back in touch with the one that got away and it seems to me it's temporarily made him a bit too laissez faire with your relationship and what consequences it could have. Let him deal with those consequences now.

[Pat45]

Isetan I don't know any adult who would describe their relationship as blissful. It is enough for me to know that he withheld details of their contact, mentioned her work place frequently enough for me to hear alarm bells. I see being angry as a normal reaction to being shafted by someone I trusted and has very little to do with my feelings of security or otherwise.
I am not one to simmer silently, if I am very pissed off with someone I will tell them.

As Before mentioned above she was bang on with her instinct and so was I. Hansel, no joke but if he comes anywhere near me admonishing me for my 'overreaction' he would need to be a very fucking fast runner.

I make no apologies for being angry. I am not as angry now as I was last night but I am not in a great mood. My anger will subside when I am good and ready. Quite frankly I think more people should blow their top if someone who claims to love them deliberately lies to them especially if it involves a threat to their relationship.

[GarlicAugustus]

Quite frankly I think more people should blow their top if someone who claims to love them deliberately lies to them especially if it involves a threat to their relationship.

I tend to agree. I'm quite annoyed, now, with all these posters playing at "Your insecurity drove him to her" and variations on the theme. You've clearly said you were 100% in this relationship, and the last evidence you had about his feelings towards the ex was reassuring. I will not belittle the instincts that made you hyper-vigilant about this issue over the past few weeks.

Some people do have irrational insecurities: in that case, a person who cares about them would take extra steps to reassure them. You've clearly said you felt very secure in the relationship until a few weeks ago. Something kicked this off - you perceived small, but worrying, changes in his behaviour - and your subconscious mind figured it out before you were consciously ready to accept the explanation. That's what we call instinct, and I'm not about to dismiss a million years' worth of evolutionary fine-tuning!

You're not throwing away two good years. You still have those two years - all the loveliness, the laughs, the mutual trust and mutual respect. You've got a great memory store. You've learned some uplifting things about the kind of relationship you're able to have, and also confirmed your confidence in your 'spidey senses'. You're actually in a very good place to go forward. It's still really sad that this love broke down ... it changed, and now it isn't good enough. But it was, for quite a long time, and all those experiences are still part of you.

[HolgerDanske]

I'm with you, pat. You are right to have high standards, and you are right to stick to them.

'It won't get you your man back'?!

--I really think that should definitely be the lesser consideration here. Why is keeping a man, especially the one who has betrayed you and done the one thing you really can not accept from someone who supposedly loves you, the primary concern here??

[Pat45]

Garlic, lovely post, thanks. I am not in a position at the moment to think about the laughs, trust etc. but will eventually see it that way I hope. I am extremely sad about it ending. I still feel rage when I think of him conniving behind my back and am torturing myself by imagining that it went further than I think. Maybe they will get back together and work it out.

I 100% know I will never be with him again. He has not been in contact and probably won't contact me for weeks. We need to sort out a few things to do with cars etc. I have some stuff of his and we have some paperwork to sort out.

One thing that is upsetting me is that this will be hot gossip where I live. I know it will die down but I could still do without it. He will probably end up back with her and boy will this be a field day for some people.

Thanks to everyone for posting, you got me through the night. I was reassured to hear that other people rely on their instincts too.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Pat I'm with you on listening to instincts. I too would have reacted like this and I think it's a perfectly normal response. I'm sorry this has happened .

[Isetan]

I never suggested that the OP drove her boyfriend into the arms of another woman. The OP has suggested that the speed of their coupling so soon after her partner's breakup contributed massively to her unease. I also get the impression that the promise to, in effect never contact the Ex again, was an ill advised attempt at reassuring a very insecure person. He should never made the promise and should never have lied but trying to be sensitive to someone else's insecurities can be an exhausting burden.

I get the hurt and anger that you currently feel is all consuming but you dumped your partner based on very little real information. It is of course your prerogative to dump his arse, whenever and for whatever but your insecurities are filling in a lot of blanks for what was an otherwise loving relationship. Your defiance and anger are a cover and the protection it currently affords won't last long.