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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Deep down I knew all along

75 replies

Pat45 · 10/08/2014 00:44

I have been seeing someone for two years and I actually started to love him. I was single for a long time after a disastrous marriage. I met him through friends and fell in love with him. When I met him he was just 7 weeks out of a 6 year relationship. I was very cautious because I assumed he was on the rebound but we had a great time together and she was with someone else. Fast forward two years and I actually love him.

I was told by some people that knew them as a couple that she loved him and wanted him back. One year into our relationship she contacted him to get back with him. He told me that she contacted him and I was wary but he said he would never go back.

After two years I really loved him and trusted him. I got to know his family and he got to know mine and we got on very well. All along he told me that if she got in touch he would tell me. We have been having such a good time but tonight he told me that he has been speaking to her over the last 4 weeks cos he went into her place of work. He didn't tell me when it happened cos he thought I would kick off. I did but it is because my gut instinct all along worried that he would get in touch with her.

My feeling is that only being split up after 7 weeks when we met he never got over her and being in touch with her was inevitable. I am feeling very jealous and have told him to fuck off and never contact me again. It is the lying to me that hurts the most because I always worried in the early days that they would get back together.

I am devastated because I truly he believed would be honest with me. I feel like I have been taken for a ride and deeply upset that he lied to me. I hope someone is awake and up for a chat.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 08:30

Quite, he is probably her play thing. They were together for 6 years and split up. A year later she was engaged to someone else. That broke down and she got with someone else. I think she knows he will look after her because he is a kind person and is really nice. Not that fucking nice, that he lied to me. Why the fuck did I ever go out with him in the first place. I really loved him (past tense).

She started working in a place he goes to. He doesn't have to go there but he started going there which set off alarm bells for me. He told me he went in and they started chatting and next thing you know they are chatting away. Make no mistake she wants him back because the men she has been with since they split up are total dickheads and he will look after her.

The reason I am so utterly pissed off is that my gut instinct told me he was probably going in there and chatting to her but I didn't listen to my instinct. I trusted him and hell will freeze over before I even listen to any bollox that comes out of his mouth. For the last 3 months or so I have been berating myself for being paranoid and guess what I wasn't paranoid after all. I could kick myself. I should have trusted my instincts. I feel so stupid. I have been constantly telling myself to wise up and then what I feared the most fucking happened. Good Jesus, I even let him into my family (2 teenage DC). I am going to have to put on a really brave face and pretend to them that we just decided to split amicably. They saw one marriage breakdown and I don't want to show them another shit example.

Thank you very much for listening and responding, it is helping me more than you could realise.

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 08:38

Going by what you have said it sounds like there is unfinished business between them. I wonder if he is chasing the dream ending. Did you say they split because she was caught cheating? What happened after, did he ask her to end the affair and come back or did she want to move on? I suspect even if he said to you that he walked away he begged her to give their relationship a chance

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 08:40

Do you think if he goes back she will settle for him or will she cheat again?

Btw I strongly disagree with the pp who said that exes meeting and chatting is ok. It's not always black and white especially here where one person didn't want or cause the separation. So please op don't think you have been unreasonable as I suspect here your man is harbouring feelings for her

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 08:52

He left her because their relationship was very unhappy. After about 4 weeks she got with someone else and he asked her back but she said no. My gut instinct was that he wanted her back. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY INSTINCT. She didn't stay with the man she got with first and has had a couple of relationships since. She probably won't take him back because their relationship wasn't too healthy and he doesn't earn enough to keep her.

Exes meeting might be ok if there is no unfinished business. There was unfinished business when I met him and I should have walked away. Thanks for saying I am not being unreasonable. I am devastated because I genuinely loved him and opened up a lot to him. I suppose at the very least I have realised I could love someone. I have never been a particularly jealous person but my gut instinct over the last two years was that I had something to worry about. I kept telling myself I was being paranoid and lo and behold I was fucking right! I will forever trust my instincts.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:20

Shady, thanks for your advice. I have maintained decent relationships with my exes and I am not a jealous person. My ex-husband was the best man at my long term ex-partner's wedding and my ex's wife is a great friend of mine. I am genuinely not a paranoid person. I always felt that there was unfinished business with my recent (of last night) ex partner and his ex. It was a gut feeling that didn't go away. We had discussed it and he assured me he would tell me if they were in contact. I could have even handled them being in contact i.e. saying hello and passing the time of day etc.

I have felt over the last two years that I was losing the plot a bit about his ex but now I know my instinct was right. He didn't tell me they were in contact. We have had a very strong relationship. He started talking to her 4 weeks ago before we went on our first holiday alone together. It was really special to me and we talked about getting married in a few years.

Its not about the contact, it is the lying to me. I also have it on good authority that he is the only man that she ever loved and still loves him. He knows I know that and we have discussed it. He promised me that he would tell me if she ever contacted him and I completely believed him. He just lobbed it into the conversation last night that they have been in contact over the last 4 weeks.

I might not be the coolest person on the planet and I am now utterly utterly devastated! I don't even want to get out of bed and God knows how I am going to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I am in a bad dream. I really loved him. He was my rock and really protected me. He has let me down very badly. I am not over reacting, he has lied to me over something we had acknowledged and discussed.

I know I will be putting one foot in front of the other but I feel extremely fragile. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to post. It is amazing to have support because I am not going to tell people in RL for a while until I have the courage to talk about it.

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 09:22

Well I think he is in a situation where his head knows she's wrong but his heart is holding onto her. I do think your instinct was well placed and its sad when someone makes us become something that we aren't usually (in your case feeling paranoid, overly concerned) because that isn't you, the situation made you feel those emotions (for good reason) I tell you what by the sound of it, he's gonna get whats coming to him. I think she will trample all over him. She probably likes the hold she has on him. It's like she kept him dangling this whole time.

If he contacts you today please update us

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weatherall · 10/08/2014 09:31

I have no trouble in calling ltb when men are being arseholes.

But seriously you sound paranoid and controlling.

You say you 'loved' this man yet have cut him out over talking to an ex and lying about it.

It is a completely disproportionate reaction imo.

Lying's shite. I hate it. I've had big rows with DP over dishonesty but it's not a deal breaker under these circs.

I think you have to sort out your own issues before you are ready for a relationship. No ones perfect and you seem to expect too much.

Chill.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:32

Quite, I know he knows she is not right for him but he is living in some fantasy that he can keep her. I think it's because when they split she went with someone 3/4 weeks after and he felt shafted by another man. He probably doesn't even want to be with her, he just wants to avenge the other man who took his place. One of the reasons I felt uneasy is because he always disliked that man and even had a go at him once. I told him then that I couldn't understand why he would be so bothered if he didn't feel anything for his ex.

If he contacts me again I will be absolutely amazed. I have not held back on the texts. He will be in no doubt how pissed off I am. I drank a bottle of wine and half of the second bottle when he left. I am only waiting to sober up so that I can drive and dump every fucking thing he owns on the path outside his house.

Pissed off it putting it mildly. I have spent two years vaguely wondering if I was losing the plot and becoming a paranoid person. I genuinely questioned myself. I FUCKING KNOW NOW I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!

Thank fuck I don't live in America where people are allowed to carry guns!

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:35

Weather, I am not paranoid and controlling. It is not a disproportionate reaction to finally find out that what I suspected was actually spot on. You don't know me but you no doubt know when someone has being lying to you. The mistake I made was not listening to my instincts.

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Lovingfreedom · 10/08/2014 09:36

I think your reaction is OTT. You've turned the ex into some kind of forbidden prize...and in the process raised her desirability whilst lowering yours. If he always wanted to get back with his ex then there wasn't much you could do about it and tbh if that's the case, why would you want to stop him being with a woman he still loves?

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 09:36

He's very very foolish. How can he not see the whole thing is total madness!

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 09:38

Paranoid? She was right all along

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:38

I have no doubts about my desirability. If he wants to be with the woman he loves I am justified in believing that I have been fed a pack of lies for the last two years.

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LuluJakey1 · 10/08/2014 09:43

Oh I feel lots of sympathy for you. Been there- twice. First time was awful, thought I had learned but the second time was worse. He had been with her 6 years and it had been over 8 weeks. She left him. I was very aware and he was the one who wanted to be close quickly. Two years later, after two years of me feeling her always wanted her and could not get her out of his head, and him telling me it was me he loved, I caught him lying. He was going to her daughter's house knowing she was there- 3 times a week. She did not want him at all but he wanted to see her. He had been doing it for 6 months and never told me.

Why did he tell you last night? I am wondering if he had been trying to build up the courage to tell you knowing it would upset you.

Did he tell you what they talked about? How was it intimate- do you mean a sexual conversation? If that is what you mean that would be it for me.

However, I think you should just have a few days where you try and detach and cool down without contacting him. Then see how you are at the end of that. My bet is he will try and contact you but before you have any contact make sure you have cooled down.

For me it was the anger at myself, that I knew subconsciously he did not love me enough and I did not trust my instincts- I was angry that I did not protect myself when my instincts were telling me to.

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chaseface · 10/08/2014 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuluJakey1 · 10/08/2014 09:46

xPost- you were typing the same thing about instincts as I was typing it.

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BolshierAyraStark · 10/08/2014 09:53

I too think your reaction is OTT, this is probably because you have spent two years waiting for this to happen instead of simply relaxing into a happy relationship.

I think you need to take time to calm down before you decide on the next action. Dumping all his stuff on his doorstep isn't the right way to go & you know it. He hasn't admitted to shagging her, just talking to her.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:55

Lulu, almost identical behaviour. Same timeframe and everything. We had a great weekend with family and he probably thought that cos we were so loved up that last night was the ideal time to tell me that he had been chatting to her. I had noticed over the past 8 weeks or so that he was going to the place where she worked quite a bit. I was studiously trying to not become paranoid. He was having a bad dose of mentionitis so I was reminded constantly. He kept saying oh I had to pop into that 'place'. Not only him but his closest friend kept mentioning the place she had started working in.

I am not stupid and I know I sound mental but where I come from anger is seen as a perfectly reasonable reaction to being fucked about with.

The content of the conversations was that it was great to be talking to one another again and that he would pop around to her house to collect some stuff he had left there. She told him to feel free to call around anytime.

I am a reasonable person but my partner popping around to his ex's house with just the two of them there is outside my comfort zone and like I said I am not fucking stupid.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 09:58

Bolshier, you might think its ok to wait until your partner is shagging someone else to allow yourself to get angry. I don't feel the same way as you. I have already decided on the next action and have told him categorically how it will pan out. Maybe I should wash and iron all his clothes and fold them neatly in his wardrobe instead of dumping them on his doorstep. Thanks for the suggestion.

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WildBillfemale · 10/08/2014 10:01

Sorry but this seems like a massive over reaction - ok he delayed telling you but he DID tell you they had chatted. He could so easily have not done. You also don't know what they chatted about - he could have been having a frank conversation on why he didn't want to get back with her. He was married to her after all - if he wanted to get back with her surely he would have done so in the last 2 years?

He's told you he doesn't want to get back with her, he's with you - actions speak louder than words - I think you have worked yourself up to a hysterical state over this.

Your baggage from previous relationships seems to have clouded your judgement - You are willing to throw away 2 great years because he delayed telling you something? he did tell you!

Leave the dust to settle - calm down and get some perspective - unfortunately the way you have reacted may have sounded the death bell for this relationship.

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 10:03

Pop round her house to collect something he left two years ago! I don't think so. Just no no no. You have not over reacted he was carrying a torch for her the whole time. That much is clear. It's his problem now. Let them get on with it. It won't end well.

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DaddyBeer · 10/08/2014 10:04

Pat I can see from your posts how upset you are. I really do sympathise and kind of wonder if I was a bit insensitive (though honest) in my last post.

I think the last two posters make good points and the advice to give it a few days before contact is sound. I understand that wanting to dump all his stuff off shows more how upset you are than anything, but honestly, the only way you can really know what is going on is by asking him.

I really do hope you can get some kind of resolution. I don't think though that chucking away two years of your life is the answer, even though you are so hurt it might feel like the safest way of protecting yourself right now.

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DaddyBeer · 10/08/2014 10:05

X post I meant lulu and chase

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Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 10:05

Op even if you start believing you over reacted please don't go apologising. I think the bottom line is that their is unfinished business here and you'll be damned if its going to manifest under the umbrella of your relationship. Let them see whatever it is out.

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Pat45 · 10/08/2014 10:05

I know exactly what they chatted about. Unfortunately I have 'sounded the death bell' - laughable, I am ringing that bell loud and clear.

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