I've totally lost myself in this relationship, I'm overworked, underappreciated, miserable, under respected, taken for granted. We've out

[BotoxBitch]

We've our wedding booked in 8 months :(

Together 8 yrs, 2DC.

2 houses, one in my name (which is our home) one in his which is rented. He's older than me and put a lot more financially than I did.

How do I do this? He's telling me to pack up and fuck off of that's what I want but I can't obv with DC. He said he won't go anywhere.

Breaking up because he's just a shit. I run the whole ship without any assistance and I've hit rock bottom. He's walks through the house and doesn't acknowledge me, I've just been away for my first trip to London back yesterday not a question to see if I enjoyed it, if I was ok. Just nothing he has zero interest. I've no self esteem left. The only times I laugh are with my kids and when he's not there.

How do I go?? He's stubborn and horrible. Being rational I doubt is an option

[BotoxBitch]

He's back and downstairs WTAF

[SlicedAndDiced]

Does he leave the house?

When he does change the locks and have jus stuff outside ready.

Either take yourself and dc's off for a weekend or alternatively just call the police if he turns up and starts causing a scene.

[SlicedAndDiced]

For gods sake op!

Next time he leaves change the bloody locks!

Cocks like this WILL keep letting themselves in until they imagine you'll just shut up and put up.

That's from personal experience. Best bloody thing I did was changing those damn locks.

[BotoxBitch]

I was in our room kept my DD in our bed. He's come in carried DD to bed and got in. He's turned around and gone to sleep.

Knew it couldn't be that easy with him saying he was packing his bag

[SlicedAndDiced]

Well that settles it then op.

He has decided you can just put up and shut up.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

He was calling your bluff and it backfired. What a dick.

[SlicedAndDiced]

I'd say it's worked perfectly for him.

He's in op's bed in op's house and she's letting him.

[Katrose]

OP you better be making him leave right now! What a dick.
He's just shown he has absolutely no respect for you, he doesn't even go through the motions of resolving the argument before acting like everything is fine

[BotoxBitch]

No I can't put up and shut up but I'm not starting at this time of night with a 10 month old and a 3yr old. My "p" is incapable of talking through anything it's straight away top note shouting n name calling

[SlicedAndDiced]

But you are putting up and shutting up op

Keeping quiet may save your children from one night of shouting. But how many more days/weeks/months will they have to listen to bile because of it.

[Tipsykisses]

Botox is there a family member or close friend who could have dc tomorrow whilst you sort this out (get him out , change locks etc)
I have experienced behaviour like this and I know how hard it is when the lil ones are around ... Unfortunately this type of man doesn't seem to care about the upset they cause or distress to the kids ... They only think of themselves
I hope you are ok xxx

[Zazzles007]

OP I've just caught up with your thread, and will add my voice to others. This man is a prize shithead who is treating you in an abusive and crappy manner. Do not marry this uncommunicative, emotionally-stunted, craptastic arsehole.

Also, do not tell him what you are planning to do next. In regards, to getting a solicitor I would (opinions may vary):

1. Make a short list of 3-5 solicitors
   
2. Call each one of them up. Aim to see 2-4 of them (those that provide a free 30 minute consultation to assess your case) so that you get a wide variety of views, opinions and choice of strategies
   
3. Describe your situation to each of them and that you are doing some fact finding into your legal situation with regards to the properties, the assets, DC etc. Make appointments with the ones you can
   
4. Come clean with the solicitor and tell them the truth - it will enable them to help you achieve the best outcome for you and your DC
   
5. Have a think about what each solicitor says to you, and come back here to get further perspectives if you need to
   

Wishing you strength in this awful situation.

[BotoxBitch]

Thanks everyone as suspected he is pretending everything is OK. 3yo and baby in bed with us since 6am. Mentioned earlier we need time to sort everything out without kids but he's just turned around and not spoke. I'm going make plans for today with kids and planning to tell him to get himself sorted in that time.

Locks wise, I'm on a long day tomorrow (13hr shift) so he would need to be in house anyway to look after kids. We have no local family so going anywhere else isn't a possibility.

My friend has a camp bed so I'm gonna borrow that today and makeup a bed in office for him/me. I'm not sharing my bed with this man ever again, he never spoke a word last night but just him being here is making my skin crawl

[BotoxBitch]

He hates me for breaking this family up, he's 40 why should he change. I've been with him 10 years why would he change now?

[however]

Tell your wedding guests. He can't ignore it because then it'll be real.

[lavenderhoney]

You're not breaking up the family. Don't get married, postpone it or something if you can't face it. Do you have wedding insurance?

He probably wants to get married as he incredibly foolishly let you have the house in your name and legally he can't do anything. So he wants to marry, THEN split up.

Go and see a solicitor and don't get into talking about morals and ethics with them. You need the facts - then you decide if you want to sell, pay off debts and start again, or stay where you are with a provision to sell when children are 18. He sounds horrible and if he plans to make your life hell, he's already started hasn't he?

The law is on your side, so use it. House is in your name, he won't leave, call police. See solicitor, work out finances and assume he won't contribute whatever he says.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Yes he will definitely push the marriage now.

I bet it dawned on him so entire yesterday that he has no legal rights to your property, so he has nothing to hold over you and no way to stay there if you don't want him to.

Hope your feeling a but stronger today op

[fairylightsintheloft]

Can you take a few days off work to sort this out? Pretty hard to ring / see solicitors, wait in for locksmiths etc while trying to carry on as normal. Might send a message to your P that you are serious. Don't worry about the wedding. Friend of mine cancelled his in South Africa. Those that had already booked flights just used it as a holiday.

[BotoxBitch]

Thanks everyone. He's gone out on his bike, had 3 messages saying "I hate you for breaking up our little family. How selfish"

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Just caught up with the thread. Your partner is a dick.

Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in, get support from?

[BotoxBitch]

I'm not chasing a dream am I? Lovers can be best friends too can't they.

If your in a bad mood do your partners switch off to you or are they concerned and try to make things better?

[Pinkfrocks]

you need to stop doubting yourself.
Do you have a history of being in abusive relationships? Do you have low self esteem? Because you seem unable to get a real perspective on what this guy is like and how 'real' men behave.


You met him when you were 22(?) Had you much experience of relationship before that?

[BotoxBitch]

Pink, I am doubting, sorry if this seems abit random I'm just been questioned all the time by him and my head.

I met home when I was 21, nothing serious before that. I'm 30 now, on the exterior I'm strong and confident, I'm self employed with professional qualifications. However I will struggle on my own due to the unbelievable nursery childcare costs.

I used to be so intelligent, opinionated, strong and independent. And through the years I feel like I've been dumbed down, shouted down, talked over, told a lot of actions are stupid. Only last night I was putting the children in the bath, my baby grabbed hold of a glass that had been left and it smashed on floor, he saw this and walked downstairs so I out baby in cot and 3 yr old told to sing to him whilst I tidied up. This morning he said "still glass in that bathroom", I said I was struggling juggling them screaming (tired) and tidying up. "Stupid to leave a glass in their anyway" my daughter then says mummy Hoover up the glass daddy he said "well she didn't do a very good job" that is just a small example of what he does daily.

[Pinkfrocks]

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Did your parents not have a good marriage?
Was you dad not a good role model of how a man should behave?
Sorry if this sounds a bit too 'counsellor-ish' but sometimes we end up in the same type of marriages as our parents and women with abusive fathers choose abusive partners.

I understand how you are able to cope professionally, but that's different from having a sense of self worth in a relationship- and having no previous serious relationships means you have no yardstick otherwise you'd not ask if men can be friends as well as lovers.

The example of the glass is appalling. But I wonder why at the time you didn't ask your P to clear it up while you looked after the little ones??

Was he around?

The situation you have now didn't happen overnight. Over 8 years have you allowed him to behave like this and not stood up for yourself or made any 'normal' demands on him?

NOT having a go at you- but trying to help you see that what you are in is abusive but has developed over a long time- did you always feel he was your 'superior' in some way because he was older?

[BotoxBitch]

My mum and dad separated when I was 2ish. My mum was a drinker and had a string of loveless relationships. I was brought up in that until I was 10 then social services placed me with my dad. He is a great man, very kind intelligent and I was always his number one. I don't think I was ever spoilt but I was loved and cared for so well. My dad for a long time was my number one. We have drifted after too I know he disagrees with my relationship. He's hinted at times this would happen. He doesn't know about the EA he just thinks he is stupid. Which tbh he is.

I didn't ask him for help last night because he was walking down the stairs with his overnight bag. It was a tense and uncomfortable situation anyway.