I've totally lost myself in this relationship, I'm overworked, underappreciated, miserable, under respected, taken for granted. We've out

[BotoxBitch]

We've our wedding booked in 8 months :(

Together 8 yrs, 2DC.

2 houses, one in my name (which is our home) one in his which is rented. He's older than me and put a lot more financially than I did.

How do I do this? He's telling me to pack up and fuck off of that's what I want but I can't obv with DC. He said he won't go anywhere.

Breaking up because he's just a shit. I run the whole ship without any assistance and I've hit rock bottom. He's walks through the house and doesn't acknowledge me, I've just been away for my first trip to London back yesterday not a question to see if I enjoyed it, if I was ok. Just nothing he has zero interest. I've no self esteem left. The only times I laugh are with my kids and when he's not there.

How do I go?? He's stubborn and horrible. Being rational I doubt is an option

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

How are things op?

[captainmummy]

I've been away op and just come back to this thread - please don't just accept what do says. Get legal advice asap, it you don't think you'll need it or use it. At least you will KNOW, and the advice you get will not be generated by his arrogance, selfishness or greed. You can get that any 'reckoning up'that he had done will only take his own money into account, not any of his legal responsibilities or obligations to his own children.
He WILL have to pay maintenance for his children, and he will have to provide a home for them. They come first.

[CSIJanner]

He will not end up with nothing. There are two houses - yours and his. Lets face it - two children and 10 years plus emotional abuse. He has collateral and a job. He'll be fine.

Just don't marry him or sign anything.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Well people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.

Perfect case of this I think.

In all possible kindness op, you are being a big mug/ rug.

Bet hey ho, your life.

[BotoxBitch]

Well that's it, I know realistically I own the house, my name on deeds and mortgage. When he transferred the 20k deposit we needed he had to sign forms to say he was doing so without any further rights. So really I could take him to the cleaners and he I think would end up with nothing. But I won't do that because that's really unfair.

[CSIJanner]

Buy him out? But the house is in your name. Have you anything I'm writing between you about the house or is it just as it's set out in mortgage and deeds? Is it your name on the mortgage?

Also, collect all pertinent documents and out them somewhere safe. Passports, bank statements, mortgage papers etc. plus if you've a joint bank account, check details for loans, withdrawals etc.

[hamptoncourt]

He can reckon whatever he likes, a solicitor will give you a realistic idea of what is what.

I thought he had packed his bag and left?

[BotoxBitch]

Aw it's not I know you lot think I'm being a walk over but I've not changed the locks or kicked him out.

We're not talking but he has said he's in the process of sorting out digs and in the meantime I'm sharing my bed with the 3yo and he's in her room.

I'm on a long day tomorrow (13hrs) then off Monday so will get some advice and work out my options.

He reckoned up it will take 40k to buy him out, not sure if I can afford that need advice x

[Star8369]

how's it going botox?

[HopefulHamster]

He's an abuser.

Solicitor.
Locks.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Is he out now? Seriously, call a locksmith. You and your children deserve more than this.

[TheSameBoat]

"I hate you for breaking up our little family. How selfish"

And how manipulative of him to make you think that you're the one breaking up the family for daring to want to be happy, loved and respected.

I mean how dare you?!

OP, this relationship has the classic signs of EA. He blows up at you then calms down whilst you're still reeling and then acts as if nothing has happened because for him he's gotten it out of his system.

Been there, experienced it and I can tell you there is no better relief than getting out of such a relationship and having the time to concentrate on your DC without the stress of a bad relationship.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I hate you for breaking up our little family. How selfish

'This is no family life for anyone but yourself. How selfish.'

[SlicedAndDiced]

You can absolutely be lovers a best friends

I didn't used to think you could either. My parents were miserable together, my previous long term relationship started out lovely but turned to pure misery.

It was what I expected.

But I really am married to my best friend now. Your home doesn't have to feel like a battleground. I'm still so appreciative of the fact I can come home and it's a safe haven instead of a stress filled hell hole.

You could have that too op. But never ever with your current dp.

[Branleuse]

hes gaslighting you now.

Is he trying to make you think youre not unhappy??

That EVERYBODY lives a miserable life, therefore youre just being unreasonable.

You dont get a second shot at life.

If hes making you miserable and you dont believe he will realistically change, then you dont have much option

[Pinkfrocks]

so was this older man a replica of your dad? Potentially? Did you grasp at the first man to come along because you'd had a pretty traumatic childhood and felt he offered some security?

The other issue about the house- when it was put in your name how did that work? There are 2 issues here- whose name is on the deeds ( ownership) and who pays the mortgage. If he used you to get a cheaper mortgage interest rate ( for a first time buyer) then you would have needed to show you could pay the mortgage, not him. I don't know how he could get away with paying the mortgage but you in effect being the person given the cheaper mortgage interest rate.


I didn't ask him for help last night because he was walking down the stairs with his overnight bag.

This is no excuse. Carrying a bag doesn't make him deaf or unable to turn round on the stairs and come back up to help. He was quick enough to condemn your behaviour. And they are his DCs too.

You need to get out of this relationship and fast. Take legal advice and see about counselling for yourself afterwards because you do sound as if you could do with a bit of help to help you work out how to be assertive and what a 'normal' relationship is.

[BotoxBitch]

My mum and dad separated when I was 2ish. My mum was a drinker and had a string of loveless relationships. I was brought up in that until I was 10 then social services placed me with my dad. He is a great man, very kind intelligent and I was always his number one. I don't think I was ever spoilt but I was loved and cared for so well. My dad for a long time was my number one. We have drifted after too I know he disagrees with my relationship. He's hinted at times this would happen. He doesn't know about the EA he just thinks he is stupid. Which tbh he is.

I didn't ask him for help last night because he was walking down the stairs with his overnight bag. It was a tense and uncomfortable situation anyway.

[Pinkfrocks]

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Did your parents not have a good marriage?
Was you dad not a good role model of how a man should behave?
Sorry if this sounds a bit too 'counsellor-ish' but sometimes we end up in the same type of marriages as our parents and women with abusive fathers choose abusive partners.

I understand how you are able to cope professionally, but that's different from having a sense of self worth in a relationship- and having no previous serious relationships means you have no yardstick otherwise you'd not ask if men can be friends as well as lovers.

The example of the glass is appalling. But I wonder why at the time you didn't ask your P to clear it up while you looked after the little ones??

Was he around?

The situation you have now didn't happen overnight. Over 8 years have you allowed him to behave like this and not stood up for yourself or made any 'normal' demands on him?

NOT having a go at you- but trying to help you see that what you are in is abusive but has developed over a long time- did you always feel he was your 'superior' in some way because he was older?

[BotoxBitch]

Pink, I am doubting, sorry if this seems abit random I'm just been questioned all the time by him and my head.

I met home when I was 21, nothing serious before that. I'm 30 now, on the exterior I'm strong and confident, I'm self employed with professional qualifications. However I will struggle on my own due to the unbelievable nursery childcare costs.

I used to be so intelligent, opinionated, strong and independent. And through the years I feel like I've been dumbed down, shouted down, talked over, told a lot of actions are stupid. Only last night I was putting the children in the bath, my baby grabbed hold of a glass that had been left and it smashed on floor, he saw this and walked downstairs so I out baby in cot and 3 yr old told to sing to him whilst I tidied up. This morning he said "still glass in that bathroom", I said I was struggling juggling them screaming (tired) and tidying up. "Stupid to leave a glass in their anyway" my daughter then says mummy Hoover up the glass daddy he said "well she didn't do a very good job" that is just a small example of what he does daily.

[Pinkfrocks]

you need to stop doubting yourself.
Do you have a history of being in abusive relationships? Do you have low self esteem? Because you seem unable to get a real perspective on what this guy is like and how 'real' men behave.


You met him when you were 22(?) Had you much experience of relationship before that?

[BotoxBitch]

I'm not chasing a dream am I? Lovers can be best friends too can't they.

If your in a bad mood do your partners switch off to you or are they concerned and try to make things better?

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Just caught up with the thread. Your partner is a dick.

Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in, get support from?

[BotoxBitch]

Thanks everyone. He's gone out on his bike, had 3 messages saying "I hate you for breaking up our little family. How selfish"

[fairylightsintheloft]

Can you take a few days off work to sort this out? Pretty hard to ring / see solicitors, wait in for locksmiths etc while trying to carry on as normal. Might send a message to your P that you are serious. Don't worry about the wedding. Friend of mine cancelled his in South Africa. Those that had already booked flights just used it as a holiday.