Am I in a controlling relationship? Mumsnetters please help?

[floppydisc]

Sorry, this is long. I really need the feedback from other MN's. I'm desperate, and I've been stupid, I've stayed in this situation for a long time and not spoken with a soul about it, so I have no idea if I am imagining things or not, or if everything's my fault.

Does this sound like a controlling relationship?

• I love my job, yet he has very fixed ideas about what I should and shouldn't be doing, on the basis of his feelings about certain colleagues (we are in same field of work) and I've turned down opportunities that would have been good for me because he has made it clear that if I took them up I would 'not be the person he thought I was' etc (he makes a big deal about integrity) and because I love him and don't want to lose him I do what I think he wants. It's as if I have to side with him/agree/do what he'd do and if I don't he gets angry and suggests I have no integrity. I don't get why his battles have to be mine too. Also, he withholds praise and is quick to criticise me professionally. Initially that was the opposite - it almost feels like he was building me up and then knocking me down again and then I think no don't be stupid, you are imagining things.

• When I visit his home, he has set ways of doing things - things have to be put away in a particular order, and go back in the right place - I joked that he had OCD and he didn't laugh just got a bit prickly and said was other people that were stupid/unreasonable, was gist of it. If I accidentally put something back in the wrong place he gets really verbally nasty, and very angry at me, and it's like he switches. I never know when something I am going to do will make him flip. It's very often over what I see as small things - but they seem huge to him, enough apparently to judge someone's whole personality on, or to have a relationship hanging in the balance - never just 'oh never mind, you forgot' or flexibility, just full on anger/nastiness. If I ever challenge that as being a bit unreasonable he gets really defensive and says he's allowed to get pissed off and that he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me, if he can't express how he's feeling then apparently it's another nail in the coffin of the relationship and it's my fault (again)

• I feel on eggshells when I am round his place - am constantly checking myself that I havn't put something back in wrong place in case it angers him. I am scared of his anger - it's the only thing that he's ever admitted to - that he has an anger problem.

• He's constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him. I only lied to him - and it was no more than a fib, tiny thing, a few years ago, and that was over something ridiculously trivial, don't even know why i fibbed, think I probably felt bad about something/under pressure/anxious - and I immediately felt bad about it and I admitted it to him - wish I hadn't because I've never been allowed to forget it. Ever since then it's like he is constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him, often he just decides that I have, blows up at me, and I'm there desperately trying to say listen you have got this all wrong but it's like he can't see past his own beliefs and I end up defending myself when I havn't even done anything. I feel not heard and then he seems to chalk it up as yet one more reason why the relationship 'won't work'. It's like he's looking for things to chalk up to add to the 'lie' list.

• in three years he has never visited my home, despite me asking him and me visiting his on many occasions (some geographical distance involved) - always said he was 'too busy with work' etc and gets very defensive when I ask him about it - angry, and that I am 'judging him'

• He won't identify the nature of our relationship - on the one hand it's 'oh let's just be open to what happens' and telling me we are meant to be together, and how much he loves me, on the other hand not wanting to commit to anything specific, yet then asking me to move in. I don't get this push me/pull me thing that's going on. Again whenever I try to bring this up, it gets turned back on me and he ought to be a politician, the way he ducks and dives, it sounds crazy but I never can get a straight answer out of him - when I say that he says 'oh you just see things in black and white'

• The latest is that he can't deal with 'how I am'. My confidence is on the floor and I think I'm losing my mind, I no longer trust my own judgement.

I ought to have talked to someone about this ages ago but I didn't feel like I could, not even to friends.

Please can any mumsnetters offer their thoughts?

[DaisyBug1212]

This is an abusive relationship. The fact that you havent spoken to anyone about it concerns me as that is the first sign that they are getting a hold on you. I have been in an abusive relationship before and i never told anyone, it was 6 months before i managed to get out that i started speaking to ppl which in turn built my confidence to finally leave after 4 and a hlf years.

End it, and do it over the phone as these abusive arseholes tend to get aggressive beyond control when they feel their hold on someone slipping away. Also have someone at the house with you when you do it in case he comes round to yours or he starts to manipulate you as abusers are VERY good at that.

Good luck, and OP do it ASAP he'll only have a 'good day' inbetween that will have you doubting a decision that eventually you WILL make; its just whether you want to make that decision after receiving a black eye or not because trust me its a whole different ball game when the physical abuse starts.

Sorry if this is coming on a bit strong but ive been there and wouldnt wish it on anyone.

[Alphabollocks]

Please listen to the wise advice of experienced people here. Get some RL support if you can.
I got into an abusive relationship when I was in my early twenties. I had very low self esteem. I felt he corrupted me from the happy(ish) young girl I was to telling me what to wear, what to do, being verbally abusive. I moved in with him for a short while and even his thuggish flatmate (who he kicked out) was telling me not to move in with him. He was unemployed, no intention of looking for a job. I ended up bankrolling him. I got into situations that could have cost me my own job. I developed anxiety, eating disorder, lost weight- looked like a lollipop.. He had drug (crack) addicts come round, trying to get me to 'lend' them money. I did move out though.
Typical comments were "don't scrape the plate with your fork, I hate the noise" or "I hate the way you sniff sometimes" to the point where I could barely breathe.
I finally got the courage to leave when I developed an infatuation with a work colleague and left my partner and had a short FWB with the work colleague. It did not work out as I was a needy mess and took a couple of years, and counselling to sort myself out. I did not overlap the relationships. I was staying as a lodger with a landlady who kindly agreed that I should move out so he could not find me and she said she would tell fuckwit ex that I had done a runner. I know he did not hassle her as she would keep me posted. It was the days before mobiles and emails so he could not find me. Luckily he'd had no interest in where I worked so did not know that.
What struck a chord reading your OP is that what you say about how he treats you reminded me of that abusive relationship and how chilling it is. Please, please find the courage to move on. I am really rooting for you.

[floppydisc]

Thankyou so much AlphaBollocks - your post has really sent it home to me what a lucky escape I have had through posting here today - seriously I cannot thank all of the mumsnetters who have replied to my post enough, I really think keeping quiet all this time made it easy for him to do what he was doing and today all I can keep thinking is thank god I posted on mumsnet/lucky escape etc. Your comment about him saying "don't scrape the plate with your fork, I hate the noise" or "I hate the way you sniff sometimes" to the point where I could barely breathe.''

• I got a chill reading that - doesn't that just say it all - even breathing is too much for them. It's reminded me of some other things, reading that :( All of which I can now see were completely unreasonable and highly, highly controlling. I shudder as I think that I visited him a few times with my kids - by ex husband, also now suspect he was an abusive git as well :( - and I think omg if I had moved in with him, as he had asked me too, the life for my poor kids .... :( I could never have forgiven myself.

[PacificDogwood]

i am really (really, really) late to this thread, but OMG, floppydisc, run, and run fast

He has really pulled a number on you. I hope this thread helps you to find YOU again.

[PacificDogwood]

Too many 'relays' - but honestly, do run!

[pictish]

You're right...there's no future in it, and he will be like that no matter who he takes up with. That's just what he is. A very unpleasant man.

[Katisha]

Be aware of the tactics he is likely to try when you end it though. They may include turning on the charm, extravagant presents, sudden desire to get married, or crises that only you can help him with, threats and suicide threats. All designed to keep control of you.

[Shizzy]

Agree with Katisha. You need to think carefully about how you end this and stick to your guns. Cut all contact. Do not look back. Wishing you the best.

[floppydisc]

It's ok, I know he won't try any of those tactics - because what he'll employ is indifference. Designed to twist the knife in that one last time - he kept me controlled with always holding himself back didn't he, and withholding affection/kindness/praise - all about withholding with him. So it'll be more of the same - kind of 'look how worthless you are to me, go on, off you go then' - because really that's been his default all the way through, withholding all the big things , but controlling all the little ones. Wanker.

[floppydisc]

ps apologies for the choice language, I felt it was appropriate :)

[floppydisc]

Oh, he might try the ' I hope we can stay friends' thing - you know, just to appear magnanimous. I'd say there will be as much chance of that as of hell freezing over.

[tipsytrifle]

I'm late to this thread too and until i read the turnaround post was really getting deaf with alarm bells while the shuddering in the presence of evil was making me ill. This relationship with a Dark One is as good as over, though, right? I'd kind of like to hear that the deed has been done and that you are free, ms floppydisc ... well, you're free already because we can all hear it in your writing ... but you know what I mean ...

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

He seriously sounds like a narcissist if not borderline personality disorder, I really hope you can detach and move forward from this.
Maybe get some counselling set up for yourself to bolster your resolve

[pictish]

Then say "I'd rather eat a bucket of cold sick with a fork, thank you" and turn your heel.

[LineRunner]

I had one like that - withholding - and even he got up to some tricks after I dumped him. E.g. he had other people speak to me on pretexts.

I just told them all to eff off and stop harrassing me and embarrassing themselves.

[expatinscotland]

Someone rang for me?

Leave this dickhead.

[PacificDogwood]

floppy, just be aware that once he realises that you mean it, he might turn more nasty.

[Dirtypaws]

Same as guilty pleasure - either narc or BPD. Have a google.
And also...get yourself some counselling and look after yourself. Hugs

[floppydisc]

Ok, I have wondered about him being narcissistic or BPD - ironically I looked at the BPD because quite frankly in the past I wondered if I had it myself, just because when relationships ended I struggled with that, and also I'm not great at handling emotional pain or very good at distracting myself from it (all symptoms apparently) but I've never self harmed (other than get severely trolleyed on occasion when hacked off) and never been diagnosed with anything like that. I'll hold my hand up to depression and low self esteem - although I'd argue that most of that has been due to dealing with crap in life and in general I'd say I'm a fairly happy soul (when not in the presence of effwits). But yes I have had to really consider is he BPD or narcissistic because the thing that's made me wonder is why, for someone who is very intelligent (he is - it was one of the main things that attracted me to him) can't he seem to get his head around seeing the other person's point of view - it's like there is only his, and he is completely dismissive of anyone else's, as in they aren't entitled to have one. And I've had that frustration of trying to get through to him and he's just refused to see my point of view, as if he can't - plus he gets VERY defensive if challenged about his own behaviour or how it makes me feel - then I am 'judging him' or another line he likes to trot out is 'it's not about blame' - or he gets angry and shouts stop playing games - like he 's on another song sheet entirely, it's like he can't resolve things by just talking and looking at how it feels/is for the other person whereas I always try to do that.

Also, it's like he switches sometimes - he's mentioned 'split personality' in terms of himself a few times but only very vaguely and has never been drawn on that or elaborated. He's also very anti-labels. Which is fair enough, but I do think sometimes they can be handy for getting an idea what you are dealing with, and trying to do something about it.

Also, he does have this energy that - how can I put this - sometimes does seem really dark. I did wonder at times if he was actually on a mission to destroy people's lives, and mine was on his list.

Yes, I have texted him this evening and said my goodbyes, I havn't heard back, I hope I don't, not ever, but I will report back. I actually feel a huge sense of relief and keep thinking my guardian angel must have been watching over me (via you lot) for helping me to dodge that particular bullet.

Sorry for rambly post and punctuation probably not great either.

[PacificDogwood]

Well done

[floppydisc]

oh and complete lack of empathy/ never supportive. Now I think about it, very switchy/split personality indeed ... when I'd do something small that would piss him off, he'd change suddenly, it's like his face changed too, hard to explain, he'd just go totally hard faced and look dead in the eyes, you know? I'm actually shivering now thinking about this, I keep thinking omg lucky, lucky, lucky escape ...

[floppydisc]

Actually no, was sometimes supportive, and then suddenly not. Why it was so confusing.

Thankyou so much everyone for all the support, means a lot. I need to learn how to post those flower icons don't I :)

[BluebellTuesday]

Oh dear God, I read the OP thinking surely you must have hooked up with my xH. Eerily similar, I had flashbacks of having to keep everything perfect in his house. Definitely sleeping with the enemy territory.

Good that you don't have dc together and that you are going. IME, they don't suddenly stop being controlling when you leave, so if nothing is tying you, so much the better.

[BluebellTuesday]

X-post with your last posts. Definitely like my xH, especially the switching.

Good that you are out. I hope he will leave you alone now.

[floppydisc]

Bluebell Tuesday you aren't the first person to mention that film, I have never seen it, I must try to. No I didn't have children with him thank god I didn't - but I remember a few times I took my kids there and looking back on it he was really controlling with them too and I didn't challenge that and I should have done, my poor kids, imagine if I had lived with him, with my kids, omg they would have been brainwashed I just know it, just like I was, and controlled to the hilt :(

I do think he might try to make trouble for me behind the scenes though - not sure why I thnk this, but I just don't think he wants me to be happy, and if he can destroy that I think he would.