Am I in a controlling relationship? Mumsnetters please help?

[floppydisc]

Sorry, this is long. I really need the feedback from other MN's. I'm desperate, and I've been stupid, I've stayed in this situation for a long time and not spoken with a soul about it, so I have no idea if I am imagining things or not, or if everything's my fault.

Does this sound like a controlling relationship?

• I love my job, yet he has very fixed ideas about what I should and shouldn't be doing, on the basis of his feelings about certain colleagues (we are in same field of work) and I've turned down opportunities that would have been good for me because he has made it clear that if I took them up I would 'not be the person he thought I was' etc (he makes a big deal about integrity) and because I love him and don't want to lose him I do what I think he wants. It's as if I have to side with him/agree/do what he'd do and if I don't he gets angry and suggests I have no integrity. I don't get why his battles have to be mine too. Also, he withholds praise and is quick to criticise me professionally. Initially that was the opposite - it almost feels like he was building me up and then knocking me down again and then I think no don't be stupid, you are imagining things.

• When I visit his home, he has set ways of doing things - things have to be put away in a particular order, and go back in the right place - I joked that he had OCD and he didn't laugh just got a bit prickly and said was other people that were stupid/unreasonable, was gist of it. If I accidentally put something back in the wrong place he gets really verbally nasty, and very angry at me, and it's like he switches. I never know when something I am going to do will make him flip. It's very often over what I see as small things - but they seem huge to him, enough apparently to judge someone's whole personality on, or to have a relationship hanging in the balance - never just 'oh never mind, you forgot' or flexibility, just full on anger/nastiness. If I ever challenge that as being a bit unreasonable he gets really defensive and says he's allowed to get pissed off and that he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me, if he can't express how he's feeling then apparently it's another nail in the coffin of the relationship and it's my fault (again)

• I feel on eggshells when I am round his place - am constantly checking myself that I havn't put something back in wrong place in case it angers him. I am scared of his anger - it's the only thing that he's ever admitted to - that he has an anger problem.

• He's constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him. I only lied to him - and it was no more than a fib, tiny thing, a few years ago, and that was over something ridiculously trivial, don't even know why i fibbed, think I probably felt bad about something/under pressure/anxious - and I immediately felt bad about it and I admitted it to him - wish I hadn't because I've never been allowed to forget it. Ever since then it's like he is constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him, often he just decides that I have, blows up at me, and I'm there desperately trying to say listen you have got this all wrong but it's like he can't see past his own beliefs and I end up defending myself when I havn't even done anything. I feel not heard and then he seems to chalk it up as yet one more reason why the relationship 'won't work'. It's like he's looking for things to chalk up to add to the 'lie' list.

• in three years he has never visited my home, despite me asking him and me visiting his on many occasions (some geographical distance involved) - always said he was 'too busy with work' etc and gets very defensive when I ask him about it - angry, and that I am 'judging him'

• He won't identify the nature of our relationship - on the one hand it's 'oh let's just be open to what happens' and telling me we are meant to be together, and how much he loves me, on the other hand not wanting to commit to anything specific, yet then asking me to move in. I don't get this push me/pull me thing that's going on. Again whenever I try to bring this up, it gets turned back on me and he ought to be a politician, the way he ducks and dives, it sounds crazy but I never can get a straight answer out of him - when I say that he says 'oh you just see things in black and white'

• The latest is that he can't deal with 'how I am'. My confidence is on the floor and I think I'm losing my mind, I no longer trust my own judgement.

I ought to have talked to someone about this ages ago but I didn't feel like I could, not even to friends.

Please can any mumsnetters offer their thoughts?

[floppydisc]

Thank you so much .... I know what you are all saying is right, it makes me feel less like I have been imagining it all ... Tbh wasn't mega confident before but he probably thought I was, I put on a good show of being confident and I was always confident in my job but that slowly ebbed away as time went on ... I know I still can do it though, and it's weird but when I decided right I am going to accept this particular contract I got offered, and start accepting some of these nice opportunities I was being offered that's when he started really coming down on my like a ton of bricks - it's almost as if I gain some confidence and it's as if it needs to be nipped in the bud?

It's true I now I have to look at my own part in this too, I've been complicit, I met him when I was at a very difficult time in my life, I had just suffered a major bereavement and I felt he was there for me and I needed that I suppose, and I became unhealthily dependant upon him I think , for emotional support :( And what made it all so confusing is he really was there for me at that time ,, and I fell for him, so when he started with the angry outbursts and the other stuff it started really messing with my head

[beccajoh]

You're not complicit. He's taken advantage of you when you were emotionally fragile.

[IWillYeah]

Abusive arseholes always prey on 'vulnerable' women or women going through so e sort of low point in their lives. Makes total sense.

He sounds like a nasty shit. Def LTB.

[Matildathecat]

Three years? Blimey get out now and don't waste another three minutes on this.

It's not actually a relationship in the usual sense at all, is it? More like a very long job interview with no idea of the next task you will be set.

Walk away. Be prepared for a charm offensive. Keep walking. Zero engagement. Keep strong and never look back.

Good luck.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Would concur that you have not been complicit. You were actively targeted by this man due to your bereavement at the time and he took advantage of your vulnerability.

[pictish]

Well it's really perfectly simple. He zoned in on you at a time you were vulnerable (men like him have a radar for vulnerability) and was as lovely as he could be, until his feet were firmly under the table and you were suckered in. Then he let his mask slip.
Of course he doesn't like you branching out and making progress...he prefers you all deferential, grateful, malleable and under his control. So he seeks to undermine and rubbish your actions and opinions, by making you feel so awful about them, you'll decide it isn't worth it and will fall into line as he wanted in the first place. Same with his angry outbursts.
He means to shame and intimidate you into doing as he bids.
He's a controller.

[bragmatic]

I agree with the others and I haven't even read your entire OP.

Be aware, when you attempt to split, he'll either get really nasty, or really lovely (probably both), to get you to stay in the relationship. Don't engage in conversations about "but why??" Just tell him it's over. Good luck!

[LineRunner]

It is time to finish it.

And take some time to heal.

Good luck with your career - you should do well now, with him gone from your life and mind. Be happy.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Yes, across the board, entirely controlling.

Not wanting you to do well professionally removes the pressure on himself to one-up you professionally= him superior.

When you enter his habitat home, he treats you like you are a stain that way because he has to be in control of everything. No flexibility presents easy circumstances for you to be wrong, therefore he has justification (in his black and white fucked up distorted thinking) to reassert his superiority.

The fib...this is a stick he can beat you with because you were caught in the wrong. A normal friend would accept the apology and forget about it (until another incidence occurred perhaps). But he has such a high need for superiority supply that he will pull this out if nothing better is available. Anything you say can and will be questioned? I think that is where this is coming from.

Got to go bbl

[cantbelievethisishppening]

I am struggling to see why you are with him.

[Hullygully]

kill him

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

It is interesting, and perhaps most telling (although just one of many indicators) that he will not visit your home. He degrades, diminishes, and is so disrespectful to you, that it is as if you do not really exist. EVERY thing on his terms, his turf, his thinking, his way or the highway...You=subordinate. He will not grace your home with his presence. (Imho, after you detach yourself from him, you may be glad he never was there.)

Not identifying the nature of the relationship keeps him in a power position, at least as long as this is something you want to know. Perhaps he feels you are chasing after him and enjoys the ego stroke from that.

Is it a common occurrence for him to sabotage anything you want? It is maddening for the victim, but just sport for the perpetrator- there is entertainment value in it for the abusive one. Intentionally frustrating someone is emotional abuse (like announcing you lied when you have not).

It is quite laughable that he said you see things in black and white. A very nice example of projection.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

- The latest is that he can't deal with 'how I am'.
Soooo? You are supposed to remain in the parameters of what he can deal with (parameters he will refuse to define, no doubt). You are meant to change yourself, stuff yourself into his template for correct living. Again, this makes you invisible in your own life. Very mentally damaging and very difficult to recover from...please consider counselling for yourself after you have stopped all contact with him.

This ( can't deal with 'how I am'.) is a nice opportunity for a simple response of "then it is time for you to use try with someone else". "Enough is enough" is a good stopping phrase. "Tell it to the next one" is a good stonewalling phrase to any argument he may try.

I definitely would not go to his place again, certainly not to break up. Good luck.

[floppydisc]

''He doesn't respect you, he just wants you at his beck and call.''
that line jumped out at me in one of the comments on this thread - the latest thing I had thrown at me (last week) is that 'he can feel himself no longer respecting me' - made me feel so shit - apparently my fault for him treating me as he does.

[squizita]

Yes. He sounds a nasty weirdo.

[oldgrandmama]

Christ on a bike, DUMP him, now. He took advantage of you when you were at a low point and since then has slowly eroded your confidence. He is totally toxic and you shouldn't be in a relationship with him a moment longer. What a horrible, manipulative, ghastly man. Floppydisc, you deserve SO much better - make sure you get it. Get rid, NOW!

[Longtalljosie]

It doesn't matter if he respects you or not, he is not any more important than you are. Who made him your judge?? Dump him right this second and don't look back. It'll feel like taking off an iron overcoat.

Then go and do something he'd disapprove of while singing I'm Free by the Soup Dragons

[SnookyPooky]

Holy fuck, run for the hills and don't EVER look back.

[LuluJakey1]

He sounds horrendous. Just get out. Don't even consider anything else. He treats you really badly. LTB.

[floppydisc]

And oh, he told me he 'didn't think it could ever work' because of 'how I am' and apparently I am too nice and 'he doesn't do nice'. And apparently I am too angst ridden no mention of course of why might have become that way, apparently I am ill and need help, how completely head fucking but trust me I have seen the light with all these comments, why the hell didn't I open my mouth before, it's true that I felt as if I did not really exist as well - he never really asked me about my life, I'd have to volunteer the information. I have decided to take the advice of everyone on here and run - ironically he used to delight in telling me that his friends had told him to run a mile from me - presumably because he told them one side of the story, his, and made me out to be a complete psycho - omitting to mention that the reason I was so stressed and fucked up was because he was being such a tosser. Can you tell I am really, really angry now? :)

[pictish]

Anger is good. You ought to be angry.

[MargotThreadbetter]

OP, he sounds just like my ex, other than the OCD traits.
Please get rid now before he completely erodes what little confidence you have left.
Men like this don't change, they love the control and the mind fuckery.
Be thankful that he's never been to your home as it will be so much easier when you do split. Hold onto the anger and rejoice that he's no longer in your life!
My ex had an affair with OW who was in an unhappy marriage. So she was vulnerable. English is not her first language either, so maybe his abusive behaviour gets lost in translation
I actually feel sorry for her now!

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Run like fuck.
Before you do go and see your manager/hr person and give them a heads up that this could get nasty. Is he like this with everyone, if so it won't be a surprise. Get allies-advice from wa. I get the feeling he won take it well.

[floppydisc]

And actually I don't think I was that fucked up, I think I was remarkably patient , it was like dealing with a toddler at times, when he was finding fault or having a go I'd be the calm one trying to have a two way conversation and he'd just be off on one seemingly with his own beliefs, convinced always that he was right, and I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, I couldn't do right for doing wrong, the more I'd try to reason, the worse he got. I heard other friends call him judgemental too and they can't all be wrong. I'm now remembering other incidents where he would tell me about run ins with other people and I'd be thinking ri-ght, so it's not just me you're like that with then ...

[WhizzPopBang]

OP I've been in a controlling relationship in the past, for 13 years, and many of the traits your partner is showing are the same as those my XP showed... Not identical, but with the same outcome - you are held back, stifled, walking on eggshells, not permitted to be the bright, happy, confident, successful person you really are. I've read so many threads and seen people say LTB, and I've often thought that's a strong thing to advise. But I'd say it to you now. I've been there, I left, and my life is infinitely happier now...