Am I in a controlling relationship? Mumsnetters please help?

[floppydisc]

Sorry, this is long. I really need the feedback from other MN's. I'm desperate, and I've been stupid, I've stayed in this situation for a long time and not spoken with a soul about it, so I have no idea if I am imagining things or not, or if everything's my fault.

Does this sound like a controlling relationship?

• I love my job, yet he has very fixed ideas about what I should and shouldn't be doing, on the basis of his feelings about certain colleagues (we are in same field of work) and I've turned down opportunities that would have been good for me because he has made it clear that if I took them up I would 'not be the person he thought I was' etc (he makes a big deal about integrity) and because I love him and don't want to lose him I do what I think he wants. It's as if I have to side with him/agree/do what he'd do and if I don't he gets angry and suggests I have no integrity. I don't get why his battles have to be mine too. Also, he withholds praise and is quick to criticise me professionally. Initially that was the opposite - it almost feels like he was building me up and then knocking me down again and then I think no don't be stupid, you are imagining things.

• When I visit his home, he has set ways of doing things - things have to be put away in a particular order, and go back in the right place - I joked that he had OCD and he didn't laugh just got a bit prickly and said was other people that were stupid/unreasonable, was gist of it. If I accidentally put something back in the wrong place he gets really verbally nasty, and very angry at me, and it's like he switches. I never know when something I am going to do will make him flip. It's very often over what I see as small things - but they seem huge to him, enough apparently to judge someone's whole personality on, or to have a relationship hanging in the balance - never just 'oh never mind, you forgot' or flexibility, just full on anger/nastiness. If I ever challenge that as being a bit unreasonable he gets really defensive and says he's allowed to get pissed off and that he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me, if he can't express how he's feeling then apparently it's another nail in the coffin of the relationship and it's my fault (again)

• I feel on eggshells when I am round his place - am constantly checking myself that I havn't put something back in wrong place in case it angers him. I am scared of his anger - it's the only thing that he's ever admitted to - that he has an anger problem.

• He's constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him. I only lied to him - and it was no more than a fib, tiny thing, a few years ago, and that was over something ridiculously trivial, don't even know why i fibbed, think I probably felt bad about something/under pressure/anxious - and I immediately felt bad about it and I admitted it to him - wish I hadn't because I've never been allowed to forget it. Ever since then it's like he is constantly looking for evidence of me lying to him, often he just decides that I have, blows up at me, and I'm there desperately trying to say listen you have got this all wrong but it's like he can't see past his own beliefs and I end up defending myself when I havn't even done anything. I feel not heard and then he seems to chalk it up as yet one more reason why the relationship 'won't work'. It's like he's looking for things to chalk up to add to the 'lie' list.

• in three years he has never visited my home, despite me asking him and me visiting his on many occasions (some geographical distance involved) - always said he was 'too busy with work' etc and gets very defensive when I ask him about it - angry, and that I am 'judging him'

• He won't identify the nature of our relationship - on the one hand it's 'oh let's just be open to what happens' and telling me we are meant to be together, and how much he loves me, on the other hand not wanting to commit to anything specific, yet then asking me to move in. I don't get this push me/pull me thing that's going on. Again whenever I try to bring this up, it gets turned back on me and he ought to be a politician, the way he ducks and dives, it sounds crazy but I never can get a straight answer out of him - when I say that he says 'oh you just see things in black and white'

• The latest is that he can't deal with 'how I am'. My confidence is on the floor and I think I'm losing my mind, I no longer trust my own judgement.

I ought to have talked to someone about this ages ago but I didn't feel like I could, not even to friends.

Please can any mumsnetters offer their thoughts?

[tipsytrifle]

ohhhhhh yessssss ... i can breathe normally again! Tell you what, floppy, it only matters for your own learning to encounter and wonder about these "labels" ... because he doesn't give a flying whoopsie about anyone else and their thoughts about him.

Stay in the Light of You and don't let anyone feed off you or try to destroy you for their own lack again .. easier said than done but have a go, lass!

[2rebecca]

He sounds hard work and no fun to be with. At least you don't live together so can untangle yourself from him without losing your home or alot of money.
Boyfriends should make you feel better about yourself not worse and should be supportive.

[BluebellTuesday]

floppydisc, the posters who say he can only control you if you let him are right. However, as these people are often very charming and assured in what they are doing, you think you are the crazy one if you question it. The other thing is that if you start to challenge the control, the mask slips and leaving is the ultimate challenge.

I did marry the man, and it was only when he started on my older dc, not his bio-dc that it was obvious to me what was going on. We have one dc together and 18 months after I left, we still do not have an agreement re childcare arrangements, even though there is nothing to dispute (I have taken three legal opinions on this). Which is not to derail, but just to say you have no ties to this man, so you do not need to maintain any personal contact. You can be clear about this.

Professionally is another matter. I get what you mean about the sabotage, but don't want to out myself by saying more. There are two possible approaches, I think, which are

• front it out. You have as much right to be there as him, to the same professional circles and people will judge you on your professional merit. Take the jobs you want to etc. If you suspect harrassment or sabotage, document and take it higher up

• look at how you can develop a path which minimises contact with him and crossover in what you do. This is what I have done, it caused me a lot of professional angst, but I need to be able to work effectively which requires emotional wellbeing.

Flowers are open square bracket thanks close square bracket. Here are some for you . Good luck. Wait until you are out of it a good long while and you know he is leaving you alone before watching Sleeping with the Enemy, though.

[Murdermysteryreader]

You are NOT married to them..

[Murdermysteryreader]

Someone who has been there - thank your lucky stars you are married to them. Would you treat someone like this? If not - then run and don't look back. Good luck.

[Murdermysteryreader]

Something I have only just learnt after how many years is with any sort of relationship whether romantic or friendship is how does this person make me feel ? Does my happiness etc increase as a result of having them in my life or are they draining or in your case it looks like trying to control you . Take it from some

[zipzap]

sorry for cross post - got caught up on a phone call then finished my post without checking to see how the thread had moved on.

OP - so glad to see that you have already said goodbye and moved on to get the WA course. Hopefully you are feeling like a whole forest has been lifted from your shoulders and that the world is a better place for you from here on...

[zipzap]

So glad to see that this thread has given you some support and insight.

The thing that struck me was the massive inequality between the two of you in the supposed 'partnership', he certainly doesn't seem to see you as an equal partner . If you had taken the roles that came up at work that he denigrated, would you have moved out of his sphere of influence at work or into a more powerful position than him by any chance?

The fact that he hasn't deigned to visit your home in 3 years also sticks out. It sounds like you work together or at least in the same place (apologies if this is a wrong assumption) and he is happy for you to cover the distance (I am assuming that normal laws of physics also apply to him and that there's no weirdness going on whereby for every mile you travel to him, it's 50 miles back in the opposite direction!).

What would happen if you said you weren't going to go to his house because of the reasons he has given for him not to go to your house? He'd have a hairy blue fit I'm sure. Again - showing massive inequality and dreadful and different expectations of you vs him. So it's OK for you to travel and spend time at his home but not OK for him to do the same. And it 's one thing to delay a visit because the roads are icy/he has a friend's wedding/wants to visit parents or whatever - but to manage to do it for 3 years is serious avoidance.

As has already been said - the fact that he has never been is in hindsight a blessing as it means your home hasn't been tainted by any memories there that involve him.

I wouldn't bother asking him to your house again as you're making your escape from him and chalk it down as another red flag to look out for (hopefully not for you to experience but maybe to pass on to other MNetters in similar situations!).

Take a deep breath before walking away and remember that he is the one that doesn't deserve to have you as a partner. I'd be tempted to wait until he told me again that he didn't think it would work and get up, say 'you know what, for once in your life, I think you're actually right', and just walk out. Probably easier to dream of than to manage in reality and sounds like you'd be better off just never going back to his house and walking away.

good luck!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Remember that you can refuse all contact with him, and if he persists in trying to speak to you, or email you, or turn up at your house, you can involve the law and the police to keep him away. For him to pester you at work would be a disciplinary offence, as well.

[reabann]

I have come out of a controlling relationship and looking back I realised he only controlled me because I allowed him to. Your not living together so I would end it why its easier, it will only get worse.
Also I suffer severe anxiety and I can be real bossy and a bit of control freak and particular its almost like a self coping mechanism. You mentioned he doesnt visit your house,and he analyses everything and criticises. Sounds like maybe theres an underlying trigger for his behaviour. You shouldnt have to take on his issues and I would advise you from my personal experience to leave why theres nothing binding you, it wont just randomly get better, he will get worse and you'll get the brunt of it. He sounds like he needs help but not from you .

[floppydisc]

Thankyou (insert flowers icon) you have all been bloody brilliant, thankyou so much. I feel much lighter already, it's weird I did all my crying a few days ago, cried my heart out, but now the penny has dropped I just feel bloody relieved. But I know I have to make sure I don't ever end up that needy again that I get into that kind of situation with such a complete and utter effwit.
I've phoned Womens Aid to see if I can d the next freedom programme as I think it'd do me good, and I need to work on my self esteem and confidence, no way am I getting into another relationship for the foreseeable.

[pictish]

And so say all of us.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Can I stop you there with the diagnosis. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that you have seen the light.

You aren't going to care about his response, because you are going to do what you want to do now, not what he wants. Be who you want to be, and sod him. If he throws a fit, let him. If he starts ignoring you, well that's great. If he starts the lets be friends, well you never were friends in the first place. Be blasé about his response. Because it is a response, to your action which is to dump this twat.

Let tomorrow be the first day of the rest of your life.

[Alphabollocks]

I am glad that my post was helpful to you. just think that there are so many of us out there that have gone through similar things and can help if we can. PM me if you need support.

[floppydisc]

ransom to his anger and irrational take on things :(

[floppydisc]

the irony was he used to say I only saw things in black or white - but when he wasn't inhabiting the grey area of non commitment that he was so fond of, he was always being completely black and white about things! Classic case being if he decided I'd lied about something (when I hadn't) it was like he was off on a train of thought that he just stuck to doggedly, and absolutely could not see my point of view at all, refused to engage with it. Classic thing he'd do at times like this was to say 'I'm through with you' - so I lived in this permanent state of not being able to be secure in the relationship at all because there was always this risk that at any moment he would turn round, when I'd angered him over something, and bin the whole relationship on the strength of this one thing. It was kind of like being held ransom, that's how I see that now.

[Dirtypaws]

Floppy - yes he probably will try to make trouble behind the scenes but I bet a lot of people will have the measure of him unless he's very (superfically) charming

[Dirtypaws]

Floppy - they will argue black is white. They have no empathy. Everything they do (even if it seems nice) is to their benefit. And they will project - so will accuse you of doing the very things they themselves do. Please be vigilant whilst you go through the break up phase.

[floppydisc]

Bluebell Tuesday you aren't the first person to mention that film, I have never seen it, I must try to. No I didn't have children with him thank god I didn't - but I remember a few times I took my kids there and looking back on it he was really controlling with them too and I didn't challenge that and I should have done, my poor kids, imagine if I had lived with him, with my kids, omg they would have been brainwashed I just know it, just like I was, and controlled to the hilt :(

I do think he might try to make trouble for me behind the scenes though - not sure why I thnk this, but I just don't think he wants me to be happy, and if he can destroy that I think he would.

[BluebellTuesday]

X-post with your last posts. Definitely like my xH, especially the switching.

Good that you are out. I hope he will leave you alone now.

[BluebellTuesday]

Oh dear God, I read the OP thinking surely you must have hooked up with my xH. Eerily similar, I had flashbacks of having to keep everything perfect in his house. Definitely sleeping with the enemy territory.

Good that you don't have dc together and that you are going. IME, they don't suddenly stop being controlling when you leave, so if nothing is tying you, so much the better.

[floppydisc]

Actually no, was sometimes supportive, and then suddenly not. Why it was so confusing.

Thankyou so much everyone for all the support, means a lot. I need to learn how to post those flower icons don't I :)

[floppydisc]

oh and complete lack of empathy/ never supportive. Now I think about it, very switchy/split personality indeed ... when I'd do something small that would piss him off, he'd change suddenly, it's like his face changed too, hard to explain, he'd just go totally hard faced and look dead in the eyes, you know? I'm actually shivering now thinking about this, I keep thinking omg lucky, lucky, lucky escape ...

[PacificDogwood]

Well done

[floppydisc]

Ok, I have wondered about him being narcissistic or BPD - ironically I looked at the BPD because quite frankly in the past I wondered if I had it myself, just because when relationships ended I struggled with that, and also I'm not great at handling emotional pain or very good at distracting myself from it (all symptoms apparently) but I've never self harmed (other than get severely trolleyed on occasion when hacked off) and never been diagnosed with anything like that. I'll hold my hand up to depression and low self esteem - although I'd argue that most of that has been due to dealing with crap in life and in general I'd say I'm a fairly happy soul (when not in the presence of effwits). But yes I have had to really consider is he BPD or narcissistic because the thing that's made me wonder is why, for someone who is very intelligent (he is - it was one of the main things that attracted me to him) can't he seem to get his head around seeing the other person's point of view - it's like there is only his, and he is completely dismissive of anyone else's, as in they aren't entitled to have one. And I've had that frustration of trying to get through to him and he's just refused to see my point of view, as if he can't - plus he gets VERY defensive if challenged about his own behaviour or how it makes me feel - then I am 'judging him' or another line he likes to trot out is 'it's not about blame' - or he gets angry and shouts stop playing games - like he 's on another song sheet entirely, it's like he can't resolve things by just talking and looking at how it feels/is for the other person whereas I always try to do that.

Also, it's like he switches sometimes - he's mentioned 'split personality' in terms of himself a few times but only very vaguely and has never been drawn on that or elaborated. He's also very anti-labels. Which is fair enough, but I do think sometimes they can be handy for getting an idea what you are dealing with, and trying to do something about it.

Also, he does have this energy that - how can I put this - sometimes does seem really dark. I did wonder at times if he was actually on a mission to destroy people's lives, and mine was on his list.

Yes, I have texted him this evening and said my goodbyes, I havn't heard back, I hope I don't, not ever, but I will report back. I actually feel a huge sense of relief and keep thinking my guardian angel must have been watching over me (via you lot) for helping me to dodge that particular bullet.

Sorry for rambly post and punctuation probably not great either.