I am stuck on the other side of the world and my marriage is falling apart

[Iris1789]

I have posted before on 'living overseas' but think this is more of a relationship problem at the moment. I have made a terrible mistake and ruined my life and would appreciate any help as I can't see the situation clearly at the moment.
My DH is australian, I'm from the UK (though i have an australian mother and other strong family ties here). We married 4 years ago after meeting in the UK. About 2 months before our wedding he made it very clear that he wanted us to move to Australia in the next few years and if I did not do this we would need to call the wedding off. After a very stressful period I agreed (this is first big mistake). From that point on DH looked for work in Australia so we could move but had no luck...he had a very good job in UK (as did I) and I would not move without him finding work first. He became increasingly unhappy and we could not move on with our lives at all - he absolutely refused to buy a house or even rent a bigger flat as then we would be committed to stay for longer. He argue that he could not find a role as no company was interested when they couldn't meet with him etc. i was going mad living in limbo so agreed to go after we had our second child (so we would at least have my maternity leave to support us in the interim). I never wanted to go but felt that I had to as I promised this before we married. This was the second big mistake. We agreed that we would give it a go for a year and if things had not 'worked out' in that time (specifically, if he couldn't find a job and/or I was very unhappy) we would return.
So...over a year on and he has still not found a job. We live in a horrible house his parents usually rent out to students (at least it is free...) I am working in an ok job but not as good as the one I left. I miss my parents and friends horribly and feel terribly guilty they are missing out on the grandchildren. In all cases it hasn't worked out, but DH insists things will improve and effectively refuses to return. After a lot of arguing about this he has agreed to return by the end of the year if he still hasn't found a job, but I don't think he will honour this if it came down to it (there are practical problems too as he will not look for a job in the UK as he says he can't do that and job hunt in Australia ...)
The children are in childcare so all he does is look for work and drop them off/ pick them up. I work full time and do all the housework. He is very good with the children but our relationship is pretty poor at the moment. I don't think there's any option but to stay with him though is there? I feel completely trapped and isolated and bitter about what he's done to our lives.

[tribpot]

Do get legal advice. You've been completely stitched up. Pressured into agreeing to move to Australia, and now working (and paying childcare) whilst the other parent does sod all except lethargically look for work.

I think you won't leave because you still think it might get better if he gets this job. He'll still be a thoroughly unreasonable tosser, though.

If you have to stay in Australia, so be it but at least take control of your own destiny again.

[Hissy]

Please don't think this is a case of him loving a country more than you. It's not that at all.

He merely sees that HE is more important than anyone/anything

I think if this latest job thing fails, you have to tell him that you are going to insist that he does housework AND some childcare. You are not going to do all the work in the home, and out of the home by yourself anymore.

Start chipping away at his ivory tower. It may even motivate him to get that job.

Also start telling him that it's beyond the year he promised and that at the end of this year he will give permission for you and the dc to leave as agreed. He's more than welcome to come back with you, but a promise is a promise. It's not working atm, and he has to see that.

[diddl]

He's had a year-how much longer?

You've managed to find a job-what's his excuse?

Realistically, would he stop you returning with the kids even if he didn't want to?

[JodieGarberJacob]

What, so he's actively job-hunting in the evening as well? While you're doing all the housework? You're effectively a single parent can you afford to rent somewhere for you and the children? I can't think of a single reason to stay with this emotional bully at all, sorry.

[Saminthemiddle]

Iris - I was in a similar position some years ago but I left with my child, in fact booked the flight for the next day and left DH. I had been there about a year and he never tried to get custody or make me return to Australia. I never got legal advice either. Fortunately it all worked out, I moved back to the UK, eventually got remarried, never looked back. I could never have stayed in Aus as I found it all so miserable, I missed my family, DH was just an appalling husband in Aus. We met in the UK and he was so different, we were happy there but never in Aus.

Not sure what advice I can give you as I really did leave on the spur of the moment, during a very dark period. Life is short and it is possible you can have a happier life without your pathetic DH, he is showing no evidence of support at all. Perhaps go back for a holiday to the UK for as long as you can, 6 weeks or so and perhaps plan to stay. You can turn the tables and give your DH an ultimatum to go back to the UK, get a job there. There is no reason for you to stay in Aus just because you agreed to live there before you got married and had DCs. He is not the man you married so why keep to your side of that agreement. You and your DCs deserve a happy life.

[Iris1789]

Thanks. I don't think my husband would just let me take the children and leave - I think him and his parents would pursue it legally and this may be worse for me in the long term. I'm not sure whether my chances of returning would be better if I just cut my losses now and tried to get legal permission to return, or wait 6 months and hope H agrees to go back (assuming he still doesn't have a job). I think second option probably more likely to succeed, though it does mean we've got more 'established' here. There is no way DH would go back or let me take the children if we split up whilst in Australia, and as has been pointed out (thank you), I might still get stuck here and have to pay him child support! I still hope it doesn't come to this but I cannot go on indefinitely in this situation..

[Thumbwitch]

I think that you are going to have more trouble going back the longer you leave it, just because he will "bed in" and refuse to move regardless.

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor just for some basic advice on your options yet?

[Saminthemiddle]

I don't think you can tell him that you are leaving in case the tables turn against you. Go back to the UK for a holiday and stay, telling him to come and join you. He may well do that because perhaps his parents are behind him staying in Aus so he is being pulled in two directions. This way, he can "blame" you for him returning to the UK. I have a friend who stayed in Aus and she had to pay child support until her child was 18.

[Ehhn]

Turn the screws on him. No looking after him/the house beyond keeping your kids clean and safe. No funding him for anything. If you have spare, put it in a private, separate account and build a nest egg - will help with costs in the future.

Good luck op.

[Misspilly88]

Just wanted to say OP, you are living my dream! I too have citizenship and an australian mother, with family there, and have married an English man who will not consider moving there. Hope all works out for you though :D

[mummytime]

Misspilly88 - have you even read the posts! This is not living the dream.

Iris - get legal advice and soon! The longer you leave it the worse the long term consequences.

The big plus is you have a right to remain in Australia. You have also shown you are adaptable and can make friends.

He is not going to change. He sounds incredibly selfish, and believes his dreams will come true - regardless of how other people think/want.

I don't think he will agree to come to the UK. So make the best of what you have, and stop making his life easier.

[Hazchem]

I think if he can't see where you are coming from some counseling would be a really good thing if you want to maintain the relationship. at the same time I think getting some legal advice is worth while both what happens if you go, what happens if you stay and what happens if you stay and leave him.
part of the problem is him not getting a job and the market in pretty crap so there isn't much about, VIC is about to face a probable government change which holds things up like no ones business but I get the feeling if he wasn't being such a complete arse these things would be OK. It's the lack of understand and support he is giving you.
Once again I'm truely sorry.
Misspilly88 I'm in Oz, I'm the aussie. OH is working a minimum wage job not in his field, we rent a house of my parents that sometimes lets the rain in, after listening to a report on poverty on saturday morning I realise that even with OH incomeand the little bit of benefit we receive we could be classified as living below the relative poverty line. I'm thankful as fuck we aren't on the absolute poverty line and am grateful that OH and I are managing to get through this together. But suggesting either mine or Iris is leaving a dream is quite off.

[utterlyconflicted]

He doesn't sound like he's that into the children anyway.

[Iris1789]

hazchem that sounds like our slum house! I really hope things get better for you soon. At least it sounds like your relationship is strong - your DH sounds great.

[Hazchem]

It will get better soon :) My parents are fixing the flat out the back for my dad to live in part time and once that is done we will do work on the house. Yes he is quite great.

[PiratePanda]

I think you need to separate the two issues in your head - leaving your husband and leaving the country.

You simply will not be permitted to leave the country permanently with your children without DH's permission, not even if you engineer a fake holiday. The longer term scenario of waiting until he sees the light, gets a job in the UK and then you refuse to come back to Australia is just fantasy land - and it also would mean knowingly living a lie for possibly several years.

Frankly though it sounds like you don't like your husband, maybe even despise him, and certainly resent him. You can't make him go back to the UK. You can only do what is best for you and the DCs. From where I'm standing, that seems to be separating from your DH and making a go of life in Australia as a single mum.

That being said, children grow up fast and when they turn 18 you and they can make their/your own decisions about where you live. Living in Australia doesn't have to be a life sentence any more.

I'd also suggest you are, possibly quite unexpectedly given all your links with and experience of Australia, suffering from culture shock. When I emigrated from Oz to the UK it took me two whole years to feel like I'd made any friends and four to feel at home. Now I love it in the UK and would never go back.

What I'm saying is that you need to separate the issues in your mind. Do you want to stay with DH, regardless of where in the world that is? If not, you don't have to. You will have to stay in Australia for a bit for your DCs, but it won't be forever and you may soon find you love it. Think of all the upsides.

[canweseethebunnies]

I think you need to tackle the things you can change first. You have some power as the breadwinner, use it! Give him notice and tell him you're no longer paying for childcare after a certain date. Tell him you need the money to visit your family more regularly.

If he doesn't want to stay home looking after the kids he can get a job. Any job.

To be honest, it sounds like the relationship has serious problems though. How can he justify not doing housework or looking after the dc when you're working full time? If you're not able to leave Australia, and he's not willing to change then I think you should seriously consider leaving him and making a life for yourself there that you are happy with. You will be happier without all the anger and resentment even if it's not ideal for you.

Good luck op, I really feel for you.

[BranchingOut]

So sorry to hear of your situation Iris. I think the best plan might be to continue being outwardly 'supportive' until Nov, so that your DH is willing to consider the holiday back to the UK.

In the meantime, get legal advice in Aus and legal advice in the UK (via Skype or webchat?).

It goes without saying that you also need to squirrel away a small fund to support yourself initially if you do split.

Is there anything you can do remotely in the UK to apparently maintain continuity or show evidence of 'plans' to return? Not sure what that might be, but maybe others could follow up on this thought. Applying for UK schools or nurseries perhaps?

[PiratePanda]

Please, people, stop trying to suggest she engineer a move back to the UK with the kids. It's illegal under the Hague Convention and heavily enforced.

[Iris1789]

Thank you all. pirate panda you are right that I have the issues about my husband and the issues about australia confused in my mind. I know it must sound as though I can't stand being here but that's not it at all - I love it in some ways but it doesn't seem to offer us the way of life we had before (I know this sounds irrational but I feel 'rejected' by the country on some level!) Part of the wish to return is to do with the feeling that things are completely out of control here and I'm powerless (the rest is just a simple desire to be with my close family and friends). I don't think I despise my husband but it's true that I resent him at the moment.

[MarshaBrady]

Just keep in mind how you would feel if he got a job tomorrow. I know you can't wait forever, but if he could at least do childcare / housework while searching.

Would you feel less resentful? This could change, and I hope it does for you soon and he gets something.

[PiratePanda]

Iris, to me - and I've been there! - your feelings of rejection by the country really do sound like culture shock. There are some really good books you can read on this which might help.

Obviously that's separate from the issues with your DH, which sound pretty bad.

[BranchingOut]

Is there any counselling you could access to talk this through?

Pirate - I think people on this thread are fairly aware of the Hague Convention and no one has advised her to do anything without seeking legal advice.

[PiratePanda]

I know, branching, but the first time the OP said she knew it applied to her case it should have knocked on the head all the silly posts about taking the DCs on holidays, deceiving the DH into going back to the UK, etc.

She needs more constructive and knowledgeable advice than that (probably from an Australian lawyer).

[BranchingOut]

I feel for the OP and my heart sinks a little these days whenever I hear of someone getting married before emigrating (which often seems like such as romantic prospect), as I think there are risks that people just might not consider.