I have posted before on 'living overseas' but think this is more of a relationship problem at the moment. I have made a terrible mistake and ruined my life and would appreciate any help as I can't see the situation clearly at the moment.
My DH is australian, I'm from the UK (though i have an australian mother and other strong family ties here). We married 4 years ago after meeting in the UK. About 2 months before our wedding he made it very clear that he wanted us to move to Australia in the next few years and if I did not do this we would need to call the wedding off. After a very stressful period I agreed (this is first big mistake). From that point on DH looked for work in Australia so we could move but had no luck...he had a very good job in UK (as did I) and I would not move without him finding work first. He became increasingly unhappy and we could not move on with our lives at all - he absolutely refused to buy a house or even rent a bigger flat as then we would be committed to stay for longer. He argue that he could not find a role as no company was interested when they couldn't meet with him etc. i was going mad living in limbo so agreed to go after we had our second child (so we would at least have my maternity leave to support us in the interim). I never wanted to go but felt that I had to as I promised this before we married. This was the second big mistake. We agreed that we would give it a go for a year and if things had not 'worked out' in that time (specifically, if he couldn't find a job and/or I was very unhappy) we would return.
So...over a year on and he has still not found a job. We live in a horrible house his parents usually rent out to students (at least it is free...) I am working in an ok job but not as good as the one I left. I miss my parents and friends horribly and feel terribly guilty they are missing out on the grandchildren. In all cases it hasn't worked out, but DH insists things will improve and effectively refuses to return. After a lot of arguing about this he has agreed to return by the end of the year if he still hasn't found a job, but I don't think he will honour this if it came down to it (there are practical problems too as he will not look for a job in the UK as he says he can't do that and job hunt in Australia ...)
The children are in childcare so all he does is look for work and drop them off/ pick them up. I work full time and do all the housework. He is very good with the children but our relationship is pretty poor at the moment. I don't think there's any option but to stay with him though is there? I feel completely trapped and isolated and bitter about what he's done to our lives.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am stuck on the other side of the world and my marriage is falling apart
Iris1789 · 16/06/2014 05:01
I agree, an ultimatum on childcare and housework is in order here.
He has to take it on, which will save money, and ease your burden. He actually sounds like a total arse actually. I'd hate him for all this stuff,
There's no reason why he can't put the dc into childcare if he needs to arrange interviews etc, but if he's not even getting these, there's absolutely no reason at all for full time childcare bills.
Thing is, the longer he's without a job, the harder it'll be to get one.
That's where i'd start. He was all great and powerful issuing you ultimatums, now that the boot's on the other foot, it's time for him to see how that feels.
His comments about his 7 years of misery are utterly shit. He had 7 years (apparently 
) so you have to suffer for the rest of your life?
Remind him that regardless of anything, you are making a go of it, and could leave him and live independently, so he needs to sort himself out or admit he has to reassess the decisions he's made.
If he's not careful, whether or not he gets a job, the attitude he's demonstrating is likely to end in divorce anyway.
Keep posting. Do you have RL friends out there?
Your husband doesn't sound reasonable, the fact that he would not even be open to negotiation about something as important as where you live.
I lived in Canada for 5 years and was unhappy for probably 3-4 of those, its so hard when you feel trapped where you live and your usual supports are very far away.
If you could come back I think that would be best for you and your children but that doesn't sound likely. I'm sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like much is going to change while you are still with this man.
Hopefully he will get a job soon and then that is one problem solved. I would get some legal advice anyway and then at least you onow where you stand. Have you made any friends yet? I think you need to focus on yourself and getting some social supports in Oz meantime. This at least will improve your quality of life in terms of having someone to talk to and meaybe even some fun?
There are a few expat groups on line that might be a good place to start.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.