The ex husband is having a new baby - im awfully upset.

[Needsmorecake]

I do and dont know why, he told me yesterday and it was a shock, of course i told him congratulations, but, by the time he went and i got to the sofa i broke down in tears and have felt really upset since.

We were married, he left me when i was expecting, then wanted to give it a go, only to walk out when DD was 20 weeks old. Ive been on my own since then. He wanted to give it another go again, which lasted all of 9 months, and i left him as evidence of him cheating came to light.

He married the girl he cheated on me with and shes now expecting.

I meanwhile, am still on my own, with no relationships at all.

We had been trying for a baby the last time, i had an ivf referal, but that never came to anything as i left.
I cant have more children, im 36 now and still on my own, so, that chance has gone.

I feel like she stole my life, if that makes any sense. Ive struggled the whole of DD's life. I work but get a tiny bit of benefit, im skint and have been for years, yet they have all this stuff, and now they have this too.

Im also worried for DD, that she will feel pushed out, or like shes second best, or it might make her upset.

Im a bit shocked at my strenght of feeling about it, and, logically i know it will be fine and its none of my business, but emotionally, im finding it quite hard.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with it?

[Smokinmirrors]

Yuk, what a vile, vile pig. I for one am EXTREMELY glad he isn't fucking up your life anymore.

It's perfectly ok to feel very upset at the illusion that he is being a good man and father.

That's all it is. An illusion.

I was 'cast aside' when my baby was 6 months old...my ExH went abroad and lives an apparently fabulous, cheap life in a hot, exotic country with his new wife. He has money and holidays a lot around the world.

But I know for sure that he's a disgusting pig who has no respect for his wife or indeed any women. He talks about her with jokey contempt among his ex-pat pals. He has sex with bar girls.

He appears to many people to be a respectable English gent. Pah. wolf in sheep's clothing. And he will never, ever change.

Nor will your ex.

For a long time I felt grief for the life as a mother and wife I thought I had. It took a good couple of years to feel 'normal'. There are still scars. But I have watched my gorgeous baby grow into a wonderful young boy. He is sad he has no father. But lord, he is so much better off having me on my own rather than the 'man' who would have treated him with bullying contempt in the end.

I have had no relationships since ex left. I don't want one though. Financially it's very tough. But I am at least living a life with integrity and quite a lot of joy and freedom.

I was mid-forties when the ex left by the way so I also faced never having another child. That left me with an ache of sorts. But there are many, many advantages to having one child believe me! You are 36 - a slip of a thing really. Your daughter sounds about 3 or 4 by now? You will be about fifty when she turns 18 and goes off to college/is self-sufficient even if still living at home. You will have so much freedom! You have sooo much going for you and to look forward to.

Cry for now by all means OP, but you'll stop feeling upset eventually. As your child grows, and you get older, you will hear stories about your ex: he will treat his new woman like shit too. He probably didn't want a baby with her. Babies and wives are just accessories for vicious turds like your ex and mine; baubles they show the outside world to pretend they are decent normal fellows.

They aint. He isn't. He never will be.

You meanwhile, never have to be bullied, humiliated and treated like dog-shit by this man ever again. There will be a string of other women in the future who will have that pleasure. Hang on to that.

[Needsmorecake]

thank you

:)

for those stories that make me feel im normal to feel upset by this, it does really help.

DD is coming up for 9......

i know he is still shit, and i know he is still the same person and i know shes just with him because shes naieve and at some point she too will tire of it all.

and of course im better off, and DD is wonderful and ill feel fine in a few days.

i think its just shock and its just hit me at a weak spot. I always pretend i wouldnt have wanted more children, i just brush it aside, because no point dwelling on something i cant change, but, i did. And cant. and i think this just hit that spot.

[Hissy]

She's old enough to see him for what he is.

Remember too that I dare say that anyone outside of your relationship would have thought he was just lovely. Abusers love to create that impression. Behind closed doors is another story.

The less your dd has to do with him the better. Just make sure she understands that he was and is abusive, and will manipulate anyone and everyone to get what he wants.

Age appropriately of course. Your biggest gift to her would be to show her how NOT to choose a crap man like him as a future partner.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Wow
He will be abusing her too, you know that right?
This lovely life they have is a sham and you are clinging on to a false ideal.
Your life sounds fine, 100 times better than it would have been if you had stayed with him, for both you and dd.
He's a cunt and you should pity her, not envy her.

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

I totally understand that feeling. I was lucky enough to have 2 DC with my shit of an ex. He was horrible, uncaring and a drunk both during and after the birth. He cheated regularly.

He would use leaving me as a form of control, until he left one time too many.

When he remarried and had more children I was heartbroken. But if was for the husband I should have had, the loving supportive marriage I thought I would get, the being part of partnership - raising our children, living, working together. Haveing more children.

He stole that from me. I was 32 when we split. I'm 50 now, and the years since have been amazing! It's like that first bit all happened to someone else. But I had to grieve and get my head out of it. I had to move on.

This will pass. Your life will be amazing.

[Needsmorecake]

DD already doesnt want to see much of him, shes fine going for weekends, not longer.... hes only got her for 2 out of his 3 weeks of time over the summer as hes told me hes chosing to go away.

This might make me angry as he just choses not to be a father and to do other things than be responsible, and just picks and drops DD when he likes he giving no thought to who will pick up the slack...

but actually it makes me happy as i dont have to fight with him over dd coming home for a few days part way through and DD is happy ( and told me so) as she doesnt have to leave me for 3 weeks and it means she gets an extra week with me.

hes said he wants xmas this year too, i asked dd and she said no way. if she had have said yes i would have sucked it up... but no. and the baby is due the 23rd dec so, no. hes not having her xmas either.

[RandomMess]

I think your feelings are understandable, it's probably emtional stuff you didn't have the strength or time to process at the time.

I would be angry with him, he was a complete git to you by the sound of it.

[Needsmorecake]

no point being angry with him now, if i thikn about it too much i do get very angry, but, theres no point in that.
doesnt achieve anything and its just wasted energy that could be put towards something else.

[ChocolateWombat]

I'm sure your feelings are totally normal. Having a baby is another level of intimacy. He previously only had that with you and is now having it with someone else. It is bound to make you feel a bit uncomfortable and also about the impact ofa new baby on his relationship with your child.

The thing to remember about the second wives/girlfriends who were involved with husbands who wer cheating, is that they are highly likely to become victims themselves. If you get involved with a married man, you know he's a cheating bastard. He is extremely likely to do it again. Whilst I'm sure you're not wishing that on this other woman, the fact that this is quite likely makes this'victory' a bit hollow really.

Sorry that you have had to go through it all and the continuing fall out from it.

There is still time for you to find someone else and even to have another child. Don't give up hope because of what he did previously.

[Hissy]

The fact he wants her at christmas is actually proof he's not changed towards his partners.

Anyone with half a brain would know that it'd be completely unacceptable to insist on an extra person in the house when so much is going on.

If her were to say that ordinarily he'd invite her, but what with the arrival date etc, it'd be mad and stressful for everyone, that'd be normal !

The fact she doesn't want to go is good. One less issue. Support your dd, she's the only one important here.

[LEMmingaround]

Ah aftef reading your later post that girl did you a favour!

[LEMmingaround]

Ah aftef reading your later post that girl did you a favour!

[LEMmingaround]

When a man marries the mistress it creates a vacancy

[Needsmorecake]

course he hasnt, its just about him.

The reason he liked her was because she could just focus on him.
and he could get what he want.
and, she does as he says.

he doesnt even think about DD, but ive posted about that before. And DD doesnt want to stay with him for xmas, she never has done. Im only off xmas day and boxing day. She can stay with me then and maybe my family after that. he said yesterday that if the baby comes he will send her to one of his friends or something.
ha,over my dead body when im off of one of my family who she adores is off.

not thinking of DD, is he.

Hes just a fuck.

And i hope their baby doesnt sleep.
:)

[Snapespeare]

i think it has the element of icing-on-the-cake as well OP. I used to torture myself with thoughts of my ex and his younger, thinner gf taking my Dcs (yes, i know they were his as well) on day trips and everything thinking what an amazing job they'd done in having three lovely DCs, while I sat at home on the sofa alone, curled in a ball and clutching a bottle of gin. :-) When he told me that she was pregnant (xmas eve!) I worried that he would make even less of an effort with regard to our DCs and, of course, maintenance (such as it was) would reduce.

The difference though, is that I had three already & didn't really want any more dcs...although I had this idea of spending my entire life with the father of my children, growing old together etc, until he left for OW. That future didn't happen. I felt cheated about that at the time (& now immensely grateful that it didn't!)

There is a grieving process with the end of any relationship where you haven't had control over the way it ended and someone you loved enough to have children with turned into prize cunt, which follows the usual disbelief, anger, acceptance cycle - and i think that applies to your own fertility as well, because you are mourning the possibility that you will not have any more Dcs. This is absolutely normal OP. It's absolutely fine to feel like this. it takes time to process anger and come to a state of grace/ambivilence. You'll get there - just look after yourself and DD and try to not give him too much head-space.

[tribpot]

I'd imagine there's a reasonable chance he'll have left her before the baby arrives anyway.

It's always hard when you're dealing with infertility and you find out someone has got pregnant in a way that makes you think 'that should be me' (think Sex and the City when Charlotte is ttc and Miranda gets pregnant by accident). Even more so when it's the person whose selfish, shitheaded behaviour (I mean your ex, not the new victim) has denied you the chance of another child. Maybe think about having some counselling or support to talk through your infertility to come to terms with it - I know it's not easy.

I know someone who is now on his third marriage. The previous two ended when he left for the OW and in each case he married the OW. What on earth his third wife was thinking I have no idea. And what his parents must think when they keep going to these weddings I also have no idea. Anyway, it demonstrates that it is very likely he will pull the same stunts with this woman as he did with you, more fool her. I would focus on supporting your DD through this experience, which may not be particularly pleasant for her. He isn't worth any more of your tears.

Btw, I'm snorting at the idea that not knowing the Spice Girls had reformed was evidence you needed to get a life. Ha!

[tobysmum77]

I didn't mean that you should have empathy with her op. I meant she may understand the full picture more clearly over time, despite the crap he has been feeding her.

[springydaffs]

Great replies, OP. You know he's moved his abuse and vileness sideways, onto her. She will more than pay for what she's done. I can't help feeling sorry for her, though I appreciate you wouldn't, which is totally understandable.

i think we all have a kind of primal fear of being replaced and a deep-seated need for justice. It looks like they've got the reward you deeply want, and may have had if he hadn't been the lowlife he is, and they don't deserve any reward, certainly not that one. Don't believe it though, there is no way that situation is going to end well, for all concerned, including their kid It's right that you would be grieving the loss of potential future children - so painful, but go with it, let it roll through. You don't know what's ahead, but you do know your future will not include him, thank goodness xx

[crispyporkbelly]

Your dd might like having a half brother or sister if she's involved at all?

I was about 10 when my brother was born to my step mum and adored him! Didn't feel 'cast out' because it didn't work with my mum and dad; I grew to understand that relationships don't always work out

[Needsmorecake]

but she wont be involved umuch, will she. he has her 4 nights a month, only 2 this month as hes going away without her.

hes meant to have her half holidays, but informed me yesterday hes going on holiday for one of those weeks so now cant have DD then either. which suits us just fine.

but, that shows his attitude to dd and parenting in general.

[springydaffs]

'you don't know what's ahead' is a glib thing to say, though - sorry OP. I don't think any imagined future happiness alleviates a painful grieving process and I'm sorry to suggest it does.

[ChangelingToday]

God he sounds like a horrible abusive ass! I bet he treats her the same, she is young but will one day realise it and get rid too! Just congratulate yourself you don't have him in your life anymore.

[crispyporkbelly]

Well she won't be there every weekend but definitely some involvement, might be nice for her. Maybe contact will increase once the baby's older, you never know.

Try and stay positive, don't worry about his dumb ass