The ex husband is having a new baby - im awfully upset.

[Needsmorecake]

I do and dont know why, he told me yesterday and it was a shock, of course i told him congratulations, but, by the time he went and i got to the sofa i broke down in tears and have felt really upset since.

We were married, he left me when i was expecting, then wanted to give it a go, only to walk out when DD was 20 weeks old. Ive been on my own since then. He wanted to give it another go again, which lasted all of 9 months, and i left him as evidence of him cheating came to light.

He married the girl he cheated on me with and shes now expecting.

I meanwhile, am still on my own, with no relationships at all.

We had been trying for a baby the last time, i had an ivf referal, but that never came to anything as i left.
I cant have more children, im 36 now and still on my own, so, that chance has gone.

I feel like she stole my life, if that makes any sense. Ive struggled the whole of DD's life. I work but get a tiny bit of benefit, im skint and have been for years, yet they have all this stuff, and now they have this too.

Im also worried for DD, that she will feel pushed out, or like shes second best, or it might make her upset.

Im a bit shocked at my strenght of feeling about it, and, logically i know it will be fine and its none of my business, but emotionally, im finding it quite hard.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with it?

[ThatchersCold]

Julie this is what’s known as a zombie thread as it’s years old. You’re much better off starting your own thread if you’re looking for support as otherwise you’ll get loads of people not realising it’s a zombie thread and just replying to the original poster.

[Juliestarx]

Sorry ive only just signed up and have read this thread. Im going through something very similar and its tearing me apart.
Infertile (premature menopause) at 32 years with a daughter by a cheating twatface of a bloke. Hes now found himself another bird and im left on my own getting constant but subtle crap from his family and him.
😢 I'll admit im close to breaking point.

[ljny]

to Needsmorecake

'ive been gracious to the ex, congratulated him. ive talked to DD about it, she has no idea how i feel.... ill take her shopping for the baby when its born etc.
shes excited, i wont ruin that.'

I just want to say you're awesome. Your little girl is very lucky to have you. not so sure about being so gracious to the ex, what are you, a saint?

[wyrdyBird]

I'm sure it does cut like a knife. It must be very painful to hear all this: worse, you're having to push down your feelings to keep everyone else happy.

I think you're doing a great job in supporting your daughter. What more could you do?

My only suggestion is to let your (entirely understandable) feelings be there, in private, or talk them out with someone you trust. It's OK to be angry, or whatever feelings you have. It's normal. If you allow yourself to feel what you feel, it will crescendo and tail off, and you'll start to feel better eventually.

It's not a one off process. I find I need a kind of detox, over about a day, if I've been very upset. But it does lessen off with time.

[Needsmorecake]

ive been gracious to the ex, congratulated him. ive talked to DD about it, she has no idea how i feel.... ill take her shopping for the baby when its born etc.
shes excited, i wont ruin that.

it will be fine im a few weeks im sure.

[ChocolateWombat]

I can see how painful it all is for you. It seems so unfair that he gets to move on into what looks like a happy future and you feel you aren't getting that opportunity.
Don't let bitterness consume you though. It will be you who is damaged by it, not him. And don't let your feelings spoil the excitement of your daughter either. You will have to grit your teeth and be excited with her about the new half sibling. And be a bit gracious to your ex about it too.
I can see how hard it is and I know it is easy for me to sit here and type this, but focus on the good things in your life, realise things on the other side are not always as good as they seem, and as Oprah always said 'Move on'. You are allowed a bit of a wallow, but once you have had a bit of it, you must move forward.
Best of luck......the future is before you and there can be lots of great stuff there, for you too.

[Needsmorecake]

DD came home last night wearing an ' im going to be a big sister' t shirt and waving copies of the scan about.

Shes very excited and i keep having to hear about it.

while its lovely for her, every time i have to hear about it cuts like a knife.

i dont really know how to deal with it.

And, i think, itsnot about him at all, just more about my own fertility and the fact ive not had a relationship, despite wanting one, despite trying, for almost 6 years.

[Smokinmirrors]

Snakey rocks

[SnakeyMcBadass]

I read your OP and what I thought was 'I'd be fucking apoplectic that he gets to have more children and I don't. There is no fucking justice'. But then I too had my choices about children taken away from me and I know the gnawing urge in the pit of your belly and the difficulty in accepting that total wankers can breed indiscriminately, ignoring offspring as they go, but I couldn't. You're allowed to be angry about that. Have your moment of rage, wish showers of shit upon his unworthy head. You'll pick yourself up, you'll be grateful for the wonderful DD you have raised, and it will pass. There is no pain like the pain of not having a choice. I hope you can again find some peace.

[somedizzywhore1804]

One of my friends has a dad who sounds like your exh. He kept leaving and coming back and eventually during one of her mum and dads reconciliations when my friend was about 10, her dad got one of his ow pregnant. The ow was 21 and he left for good to marry her.

My friends mum apparently went to pieces- as you'd expect. She had not long had a miscarriage (they had a lot of trouble having another child) and she was mid thirties. A genuinely horrible thing for him to do and a truly bad man for doing it.

15 years later he's just left the now 36 year old "ow"/second wife for a 25 year old who is pregnant. She's pregnant with his 7th child (he has my friend with first wife and 5 others with second wife). He is 50 odd. He is a pathetic wanker. Maybe he will do it again in ten years. Maybe in ten years he will be too old and too past it for anyone to look at him twice. But I know two things for sure: what goes around comes around eventually, and my friends mum is better off than she would ever have been had he stayed.

[Smokinmirrors]

..then all these really rubbish men would at least have to go to even extra lengths to explain to their other affair partners/parents/boss/other, grown-up kids/the CSA some miraculous cock and bull story about how it all came about.

[Smokinmirrors]

I don't understand why women are so hung up on
finding the next tit-botherer.

Is it all we are good for/able to do??

Men on their second or third divorces/partners are almost always dull and bitter. Much the same as women, but more so.

Why isn't the general rule that women just give it all a big shrug, avoid avoid avoid any long-term relationship junk thereafter and concentrate on raising your children/child - either as a lone parent or EOW/50/50.

The men invariably go on to the second or third marriage and the procreating thing again (they are much more able and prone to do this. After all when they leave they don't have to be involved either legally or financially if they don't want to be)

I like the idea of the Baby-Hatch: ie, husband does the dirty on you? Well then you dump his child in a baby hatch for a night, get a good old media-swell around the hatch (it would be an amazing story if there was a baby hatch in, say Wells in Somerset - somewhere central and small enough for their to be national media parking and door-knocking) then post his name and picture outside the hatch. Also post his name and picture on all social media. In fact, if I rang up a national paper next week and asked for my story to be told, they would do it. Then all these really rubbish 'men'

Invite media along to the Cathedral baby-hatch and give interviews holding up his photograph.

I mean, what is actually wrong with that? MN mantra is right: 'the fault lies with him'

His gonads would go right back up his arse.

[darkside29]

It would take a personality transplant to turn the man you described in your 08:40 post into a super supportive husband.

No one gets one of those.

So no need to torture yourself with 'she stole my life', because what she has is just, well, your ex, only older. Wow.

I hope eventually you do meet someone worth your love. And who knows where you'll go from there. In the meantime, it's ok and natural to feel upset for a while. Nothing wrong with that, it happens.

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds absolutely horrible. When he next mentions Christmas I would tell him that not only is he not having her this Christmas, he's not having her any Christmas, so get used to it.

As far as the Spice Girls are concerned, I really do hope he shouts at the current woman that she's out of touch for not knowing they'd reformed. I would love to see her face as she realises what a complete prize she's ended up with.

[Needsmorecake]

my life hasnt moved on, no. but thats not due to not being adventurous, i live a very full life, i do an awful lot.

Ive also just got back from a date, which clearly isnt going to lead to a second.

i dont think of us as a family unit as, we never were, not how he treated me and i cant even remember what it was like to live with him, let alone anything else, so, thats not the case at all.

[getthefeckouttahere]

oh poor you,

i think you may be mourning for the life that you hoped you would have, happily married, and content, beautiful children with the man you loved. Unfortunately that life was an illusion and never going to happen, basically because the man you loved turned out to be a wanker. You would never have had that life with him regardless of the OW. But this baby has just reminded you that you won't be having it. You already know the feelings pass don't you?

However i do feel that all of this has been exacerbated by the fact you feel your life hasn't moved on so much. Well needs in that regard you are the captain of your own ship. Choose to sail a more exciting and adventurous course mrs!! You are young, clever and sound like a really decent person, make the most of this because time can slip by if you let it.

Oh and finally please don't give up on OLD, i know it can wear one down but there are loads of decent fellas out there! Good luck.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm so sorry for your hurt feelings, OP, completely understandable.

I think part of the problem is that your ex has been together with this woman for some time and you are not getting the validation that he's treating her in any way badly, not the way he treated you. It gives a lie to the platitudes, which are - in my opinion - utterly useless and unhealthy to keep focusing on them because you know the facts and the 'karma spouting' just doesn't stack up. Horrible things happen to good people. I think somebody to talk this through with, in RL, could be quite helpful for you. Not necessarily a counsellor but somebody who would listen and may be able to offer you some comfort in terms of reframing your views about your ex and his family - and where your daughter - and YOU (even if on the periphery) - fit into that. Added to which, coming to terms with your own fertility issues - this is very hard for many women and you need to be able to talk about that.

Your ex's wife might have a nice relationship with your daughter and perhaps that would bring out a nicer side to your ex also. What do you know of your daughter's relationship with her step parent, OP? Is she kind or indifferent? How does your daughter feel about her?

You have your daughter and he's maintaining some kind of relationship with her. She knows that you are her mum, her constant and that she will always be close to you however feckless her father may be. He may have a change of heart and treat your daughter better once his child arrives, he might be completely overtaken with love for both and that would be the ideal, but it won't diminish the hurt for you because you know that you are parent-enough for your child and it's your own hurt that needs healing, feelings of 'displacement', etc.

Your daughter is going to have a new half-sibling and, as difficult as it is, she will need your help - as well as her father's and his wife's - in trying to find her way and place in her father's new family.

[oohdaddypig]

This guy is awful - abusive, nasty, vile.

Feel only pity for the new woman - he will be the same with her. You have escaped - be thankful for that. And that your daughter can grow up in a stable environment with you.

I would acknowledge how you feel - I think these feelings are entirely natural. But you never know how life will turn out. There are other ways to have children in your life.

[Matildathecat]

He's a pig. End of.

But, in regards to how your dd feels I think you have to put on a smile and be excited about her new baby brother or sister. Tell him in private that if he ever shows favouritism to the new baby or let's your dd down you will twist his balls.

Let's hope she sees it as a positive and sadly you have to sell it that way.

[Viviennemary]

Once a cheater they can never be trusted again. They are both a pair of wasters. I would feel the same as you. But do try and not let it spoil the rest of your life. You deserve better than this cheating good for nothing.

[Ubiquitousslug]

Wow. What an awful person he has been.

Please do not let your mind go down the road of how maybe they just suit each other better, maybe they are meant to be etc. No. Cheaters have a dissatisfaction in their soul that is not "resolved" by meeting any number of what they might call "the right people." It's just that time has not played out long enough yet to show you that, this relationship too, will be a selfish car crash of his.

You hopefully will not be engaged in it enough to be aware of it when it happens in the future. Hopefully you and your DD will be living a wonderful life, blissfully unaware of what a twunt he has been for the second time.

You seem to still be attachd to the idea of the three of you (DD, you and him) as the family unit. That is not the case anymore. It's natural for you to hold on to what could have been, and it really is just a case of time before that eases off.

The only thing you can do is take HUGE care of yourself and practice blocking the thoughts of him and his baby. Before you know it you will be thinking of it less and seeing it differently...

...That you are the lucky one and not her.

[Needsmorecake]

I know, everyone ive mentioned it to in real life has been ' omg, are you ok' because, its painful. And its not about not dealing with it or needing too have counselling, its just that its a shit thing, its raked up a whole lot of feelings, with no warning , and im sure it will settle down.
i already feel less upset than this morning, and that was less upset than yesterday afternoon.

I dont want to wish ill on them, but yes, age etc comes into it im sure ( and is why he couldnt get someone his own age) and yes, im sure things will change for them both, more so when the baby is born. But,thats for them to deal with. Thankfully i dont have to worry about that.

I have tired online dating, many, many, many times, and its not the solve all solution that its touted to be, im sure a quick glace at the dating threads on here will vouch for that.

There seems to be a general shortage of single men around my age, less so of decent single men, and im not prepared to be with just anyone for the sake of it, ergo, my terminal singleness.

the ' you will meet someone else' is a bit hollow when ive been on my own for 6 years ( plus two before that ), not to be dismissive, but, its true.

[Quitelikely]

I read your story with this man and I'm actually delighted that you got away from him! You should be too. All he ever did was make your life a misery and believe me people can't change that much. He will be bestowing his not so lovely abusive behaviour upon his new bride and boy you reap what you sow. They deserve each other, don't you think?

You can always improve elements of your own life if your not happy with them. You will meet someone else. Have you tried online dating?

[Hissy]

Oh, and you aren't a gimmer btw, your 10yrs younger than me, I was referring to myself! Xx

[Hissy]

Love, my abusive ex has been gone for 3.5 years. He's abroad, we don't see him. At all.

If he were to announce he'd got someone else - regardless of the fact that I wouldn't want him if he were the last soul on earth - it'd maake me feel odd. That's normal. Most people would feel like that.

Think.

He 'chose' this woman as she was able to fully focus on him, right?

Well... that's not how it works when a baby come along, eh? I predict a grim future for that woman. 'be careful what you wish for' would be the kindest thing to say to her atm tbh.

Worse is that at her age, she's unlikely to have the same kind of wherewithal that us gimmers women who are older do have.

I know she participated in the wrecking of your (albeit abusive) relationship, but on some level, I feel for her, cos she has no idea what's about to hit her (if it hasn't already) :(

Focus on your DD, and it'll all be ok.