Any advice on how to cope with my mother? I am in my mid 30s, married, 2 DC. Am finding my mother increasingly difficult to deal with, whilst feeling constant guilt that I should just be grateful as she is (a) trying to be helpful and (b) not as bad as some of the mothers / MILs I read about on the Relationships board and (c) all the things she does are in themselves really minor. But she has a stealth campaign of being incredibly "helpful". Some examples:
If you tell her you have any kind of plan (holiday, buy a new car, buy a new appliance) she will immediately start with questions like: isn't that going to be expensive, have you thought whether the weather there is any good at that time of year, will the youngest DC need a passport yet, do John Lewis even sell X item etc etc etc. My sister and I have just stopped telling her anything at all about our future plans, until it's a fait accompli. For example, my sister has decided to move house to a completely new town, and only told my mother when the new (rented) house was completely arranged. And my mother started with the "so it's unfurnished - are you going to need a new bed / sofa / table and chairs?". I feel like it's such a shame I can't share these things with her and get her support, because she just gets too overwhelming.
On even tiny things, she is just suffocatingly helpful. DH was struggling to put on his shoes this week, whilst holding something large, and as he was putting the large thing down she immediately leapt up and started fussing over his shoes, opening them wider so he wouldn't have to put the thing down. This sort of thing happens all the time when she is with us. If I am cooking, she starts fussing around me trying to tidy up, even when I ask her not to, and won't just sit down and relax. At a birthday party of one of the DC, without being asked, she started writing a list of who gave which present as the birthday child was opening the presents, which felt like an implicit criticism of me for not doing that. Fruit in the fruit bowl which is starting to go off is even known as "[Mum-nickname] fruit" in our extended family because she will specially choose that fruit to eat up, in order to be helpful.
She looks after the DC regularly (for which I am very grateful) and frequently decides to do some cleaning job, like cleaning the top of the oven extractor fan, or inside the cupboards, or the skirting, without being asked. Which winds me up no end, and makes me feel that she is criticising my housekeeping.
All these things sound by themselves very petty, but when she's with us, it feels pretty much like constant interfering and meddling. My dad had an affair when I was around 19, and they are now divorced (he married the OW) and she lives on her own - maybe she is doing this in order to feel wanted? (I think she still hasn't come to terms with him leaving). I have tried to ask her kindly not to do whatever the irritating thing is, but last time I did (yesterday), she literally huffed, stood up and stormed out of the room like a teenager saying very stroppily "can't a person even try to be a little bit helpful, I suppose if it's not even wanted..." in front of a bunch of other people!
How do I cope with all this? Has anyone else managed to communicate their frustration to their mother without her being massively offended? Are there any good books I could read? I am starting to feel on edge when she's with us and really need to find a way to change the way I deal with her, and with my own reaction to her behaviour.
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Suffocatingly "helpful" mother...
Lostfraggle · 11/05/2014 15:22
Ella yes, that's crossed my mind. 
The bench incident was four years ago and I haven't seen anything worsen since then, but I suspect it will go that way eventually as it did with her mum (and probably eventually me too, sigh.) . In her own routine she's fine, its the unexpected and stressful that throws her. Give her a crossword and she'll solve it in seconds, it's the social stuff that throws her.
Lostfraggle I don't think she does find the rest of the world chaotic - she's aware she finds it hard to cope with unplanned/spontaneous and I think looks on people who can do that with envy.
Thanks for all the further thoughts / experiences. atos35 - I do have a sister but I don't think it's you! 
Although I can imagine my mum emptying my dishwasher in that situation!
Fletcherl 
That is ridiculous! Did you DH not insist on helping you, even if that meant being in the sun? Or at least helping your toddler?
Denzel that sounds pretty extreme. Glad to hear that therapy helped and you now have ways of living with it. I don't think my mum is that bad (yet?!), although there is definitely a "don't tell mum" pact between my sister and me on all sorts of things...
She is arriving tonight to look after the children tomorrow - it's one of the DC's birthdays (although DH and I unfortunately are both at work) - wish me luck! I will report back the trivial over-helping incidents (there are always some)! And try very hard to take a deep breath. I have even thought of a (genuinely useful) job for her...
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