Find a good man who adores you and marry him

[Gardenofsimple]

I read this advice somewhere, maybe here. I'm wondering how true it is?

I had a good man who adores me. I have never felt so sure of someone's love, physically, emotionally. The only problem is I don't feel the same way, not entirely. But I have never, ever, felt that way. This man makes me happy and I know will always work hard to make me happy. There is something missing and I know what it is, but I'm wondering if it's sensible to expect a partner to meet every intellectual and emotional need I have? In the past I have ranked things like ambition above kindness and integrity. I'm wondering if I've been hung up on looking for an impressive person and am missing out on good people.

You think he is not equal to you, it resonates through the posts you have made so far

fairylights - from my pov you are spot on.

Things change feelings change over time. It's whether you think it's worth it in the long run. Life is so short. Too short to waste if your feelings will never change.

YY. You think he's not of your class.

It will never work.

FWIW I've been the "adorer" as well. I got shat on. Without a backwards glance from him. IT doesn't work as soon as it's not equal

So if you are going to string him along, and then dump him whn someone "better" comes along, it's best to end it now

i chanced upon a man who adored me. he was a bad man. i don't think he adores me any more, though he might, he's a liar so its hard to tell. i know i miss the adoration. its like a drug.

usual because of the difference or because I'm aware of the difference?

I'm slightly put out at being seen as a bad and disrespectful person for being aware that there are some differences between us.

who said you were a "bad person" ?

cheapskatemum yes it's good, I don't forever analyse it though. I only started thinking about it a few minutes ago in response to the OP. Most of the time we just trudge along enjoying each others' company.

I will not shit on my Adorer.

What does OP actually mean by Adoring though? that's the key.

I think, Nigella, from what you wrote, that you adore him right back!

I don't think anyone can fill all your needs. If they fill a good chunk of them and don't have any red flags, that's probably good enough. People have different roles in our lives - your parents, your best female friends, your work mates, your partner - they all fulfill different needs in us. There's probably some overlap, in thing like sense of humour and so on, but they all have their own roles.

I think you need to work out what things are most important for you, what you can't do without, what you absolutely wouldn't tolerate, and then in the middle will be a whole load of things that if they match a good proportion of them, that's good enough.

I wouldn't want someone to be entirely dependent only on me for all their emotional, intellectual, humour, serious, and whatever other needs. I think I'd go mad if I were with someone exactly like me. I can wind myself up enough on bad days, I don't need someone else like that!

You are posting on Mumsnet and reading advice from a bunch of strangers because you are not sure whether your relationship is right. That means your relationship is not right! Seriously.

I thought that over-analysis of my relationships was inevitable because I am a very analytical person. I thought that constantly weighing up pros and cons and 'compromising' was part of 'real life' and being a grown up. But then I met my husband and had literally nothing to analyse anymore - there was nothing to weigh up and nothing to deliberate over. And no, of course no one person can provide for all your intellectual and emotional needs, you still have a responsibility to live your own life.

But feeling you are compromising on your choice of partner is no way to a happiness.

Hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you?

Bit thank you for posting that. It has made me reflect, and got me to thank the powers that be that life ain't that bad.

Different levels of intellectual curiosity

Can you expand?

Personally I think being adored is slightly annoying...

the one bloke in my life that "adored" me irritated the fuck out of me and I had to let him go

If you are asking then I'm guessing you know things are not ok.
No one person could or should meet every single need, sounds like you would be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I too agree that being adored is cloying and leads to disrespect. It's a paradox and no mistake! My DH adores me but not unconditionally. If I treated him in an abusive way he would pull me up on it and quite right too. He does not fulfil all my needs, no person can do that. We both have strengths and weaknesses and we have good and bad days within the 'dynamic' IYSWIM. If you are not sure, then it is your spidey sense telling you to proceed with caution. It doesn't mean you should split, just that it's not perfect. All couples have degrees of perfect and some settle for a lesser degree than others. Do not settle for what you are not comfortable with in season and out and in all moods, it will not work long term.

I did.

20 years later he had an affair.

There are no guarantees.

I just dumped a guy who loved me and I didn't feel the same.

It's true what others have said, you need to meet someone whose your equal, whom you respect and admire but not in adoration.

Sadly I think I'll never find mine

If you're not feeling it then it doesn't matter how good or adoring he is.