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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Find a good man who adores you and marry him

67 replies

Gardenofsimple · 07/03/2014 20:55

I read this advice somewhere, maybe here. I'm wondering how true it is?

I had a good man who adores me. I have never felt so sure of someone's love, physically, emotionally. The only problem is I don't feel the same way, not entirely. But I have never, ever, felt that way. This man makes me happy and I know will always work hard to make me happy. There is something missing and I know what it is, but I'm wondering if it's sensible to expect a partner to meet every intellectual and emotional need I have? In the past I have ranked things like ambition above kindness and integrity. I'm wondering if I've been hung up on looking for an impressive person and am missing out on good people.

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 07/03/2014 21:45

You think he is not equal to you, it resonates through the posts you have made so far

fluffyraggies · 07/03/2014 21:47

fairylights - from my pov you are spot on.

Warbride · 07/03/2014 21:48

Things change feelings change over time. It's whether you think it's worth it in the long run. Life is so short. Too short to waste if your feelings will never change.

usualsuspect33 · 07/03/2014 21:48

YY. You think he's not of your class.

It will never work.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2014 21:51

FWIW I've been the "adorer" as well. I got shat on. Without a backwards glance from him. IT doesn't work as soon as it's not equal

So if you are going to string him along, and then dump him whn someone "better" comes along, it's best to end it now

rabbitlady · 07/03/2014 21:52

i chanced upon a man who adored me. he was a bad man. i don't think he adores me any more, though he might, he's a liar so its hard to tell. i know i miss the adoration. its like a drug.

Gardenofsimple · 07/03/2014 21:54

usual because of the difference or because I'm aware of the difference?

I'm slightly put out at being seen as a bad and disrespectful person for being aware that there are some differences between us.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/03/2014 21:56

who said you were a "bad person" ?

doughballs · 07/03/2014 21:57

cheapskatemum yes it's good, I don't forever analyse it though. I only started thinking about it a few minutes ago in response to the OP. Most of the time we just trudge along enjoying each others' company.

NigellasGuest · 07/03/2014 21:58

I will not shit on my Adorer.

Back2Two · 07/03/2014 22:00

It sounds as though you almost pity him for adoring you when you can't reciprocate the feeling.

I don't think you could sustain this relationship when you feel slightly superior to him.

As AF says, respect is everything.

NigellasGuest · 07/03/2014 22:01

What does OP actually mean by Adoring though? that's the key.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2014 22:02

I think, Nigella, from what you wrote, that you adore him right back!

EBearhug · 07/03/2014 22:06

I don't think anyone can fill all your needs. If they fill a good chunk of them and don't have any red flags, that's probably good enough. People have different roles in our lives - your parents, your best female friends, your work mates, your partner - they all fulfill different needs in us. There's probably some overlap, in thing like sense of humour and so on, but they all have their own roles.

I think you need to work out what things are most important for you, what you can't do without, what you absolutely wouldn't tolerate, and then in the middle will be a whole load of things that if they match a good proportion of them, that's good enough.

I wouldn't want someone to be entirely dependent only on me for all their emotional, intellectual, humour, serious, and whatever other needs. I think I'd go mad if I were with someone exactly like me. I can wind myself up enough on bad days, I don't need someone else like that!

weaselinthenight · 07/03/2014 22:06

You are posting on Mumsnet and reading advice from a bunch of strangers because you are not sure whether your relationship is right. That means your relationship is not right! Seriously.

I thought that over-analysis of my relationships was inevitable because I am a very analytical person. I thought that constantly weighing up pros and cons and 'compromising' was part of 'real life' and being a grown up. But then I met my husband and had literally nothing to analyse anymore - there was nothing to weigh up and nothing to deliberate over. And no, of course no one person can provide for all your intellectual and emotional needs, you still have a responsibility to live your own life.

But feeling you are compromising on your choice of partner is no way to a happiness.

Strawberryjuice · 07/03/2014 22:12

Hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you?

NigellasGuest · 07/03/2014 22:13

Bit thank you for posting that. It has made me reflect, and got me to thank the powers that be that life ain't that bad.

Twinklestein · 07/03/2014 22:14

Different levels of intellectual curiosity

Can you expand?

Twinklestein · 07/03/2014 22:17

Personally I think being adored is slightly annoying...

AnyFucker · 07/03/2014 22:18

the one bloke in my life that "adored" me irritated the fuck out of me and I had to let him go

onlyjoking9329 · 07/03/2014 22:24

If you are asking then I'm guessing you know things are not ok.
No one person could or should meet every single need, sounds like you would be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 07/03/2014 22:40

I too agree that being adored is cloying and leads to disrespect. It's a paradox and no mistake! My DH adores me but not unconditionally. If I treated him in an abusive way he would pull me up on it and quite right too. He does not fulfil all my needs, no person can do that. We both have strengths and weaknesses and we have good and bad days within the 'dynamic' IYSWIM. If you are not sure, then it is your spidey sense telling you to proceed with caution. It doesn't mean you should split, just that it's not perfect. All couples have degrees of perfect and some settle for a lesser degree than others. Do not settle for what you are not comfortable with in season and out and in all moods, it will not work long term.

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ormirian · 07/03/2014 22:48

I did.

20 years later he had an affair.

There are no guarantees.

Hormonalhell · 07/03/2014 23:38

I just dumped a guy who loved me and I didn't feel the same.

It's true what others have said, you need to meet someone whose your equal, whom you respect and admire but not in adoration.

Sadly I think I'll never find mine

BillyBanter · 07/03/2014 23:45

If you're not feeling it then it doesn't matter how good or adoring he is.

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