Find a good man who adores you and marry him

[Gardenofsimple]

I read this advice somewhere, maybe here. I'm wondering how true it is?

I had a good man who adores me. I have never felt so sure of someone's love, physically, emotionally. The only problem is I don't feel the same way, not entirely. But I have never, ever, felt that way. This man makes me happy and I know will always work hard to make me happy. There is something missing and I know what it is, but I'm wondering if it's sensible to expect a partner to meet every intellectual and emotional need I have? In the past I have ranked things like ambition above kindness and integrity. I'm wondering if I've been hung up on looking for an impressive person and am missing out on good people.

[MarlboroughMillie]

I'm watching this thread with interest, as I am probably in a similar position. However I am older and in a different place in my life, which I think makes my perspective a bit different. I married someone who was intellectually on a par with me which I thought was important. But it certainly didn't compensate for all the many other problems, and we divorced 10 years ago. Since then I have had a few relationships, most of which "looked good on paper", but were fraught with dysfunctional
issues.

For the last two years I have been with a kind, sincere, honest, dependable man, and my life is infinitely easier, simpler and more content than it has ever been. If I am brutally honest, there is less excitement and stimulation than there was in some of the other relationships, but there is no question that this is someone I can live easily with, without the angst and tears I have experienced before. It's a compromise I am very willing to make. He doesn't fulfil my every need, and I accept that. I probably don't fulfil all his, though he is far less demanding. I also am aware that I do have to make sure I don't ride roughshod over his feelings, as he would probably let me if I tried to, but that's not how I would want to treat him.

One of my closest friends, who has been happily married for almost 30 years, once said to me that the secret was not to find someone perfect (as they don't exist) but to find someone whose faults you can live with. i think she has a point.

[Julep]

I've been away. But also thinking a lot about the claims I don't respect him. I'm really shocked that so many people are taking that away from this thread. I don't think there's any truth in it. I think I should be able to be open about the facts that I have strengths he doesn't and vice versa without that being disrespectful.

*Meisme" I think you've hit the nail on the head with this: "Do you - secretly, somewhere underneath - feel more comfortable in a relationship where the guy is someone to look up to and gives direction, rather than a completely equal relationship?"

Yes is the short answer, but I think as I become more confident and more succesful in my own right I'm less comfortable with this dynamic.

LizCurly it's experiences like yours I'm aware of. The "good on paper" bit really resonates with me. Previous boyfriends have all been impressive, but too into themselves to support me. And as above, I think I'm at the point where I'm realising I don't want to be the good little woman behind every good man.

Am ignoring posters who make snarky baseless comments like "he can do better". History suggests otherwise.

We have a spark, there's a definite spark.

[DistanceCall]

Deepest, I was just saying that it's a very asymmetric relationship. Yes, the husband should probably realise that his adoration is unrequired (perhaps he does, which would make the situation even sadder). Or perhaps he's deluding himself that his partner loves him as much as he loves her (it happens).

I'm just saying that it's not a good situation, and both partners should be able to move on and find people they actually loved and loved them back. It's such a waste of a life (or two lives) otherwise.

[AchyFox]

You say you had a good man.

Is that a typo or another man or a Freudian slip ?

It sounds like you know very well you're too picky very discerning, but want MN to validate that.

[cheapskatemum]

Sorry, Doughballs I was confusing you with the OP (I shouldn't post late at night - more of a morning person).

[deepest]

Distance -- are you then pointing the finger at OP's OH? .. "And it's not fair, adoring someone who doesn't adore you back" ...are you saying that the OH should see the gap and move on?

[DistanceCall]

No. Not enough. If the spark isn't there at the beginning, then it's doomed.

And it's not fair, adoring someone who doesn't adore you back (unless you are into dominatrix-style dynamics, which I think is not the case here).

[Clouddancer]

He thinks I am intelligent, and funny, and good and just generally holds me in very high regard, higher than is probably justified.

I think two things. First, the question this post raises is what you think about him? How would you describe him?

Secondly, I've been married twice (and now given up). I think someone who can live with a woman who is more intelligent than him; be supportive as she develops a career etc., and not be threatened is actually quite rare. The more pertinent question is whether being with this man will give you both the secure base to grow and develop from and the space to explore what you need to reach your full potential. I don't believe that everything you need to reach your full potential needs to be in your relationship; I do believe that the person you are with should help you grow, not hinder you, intentionally or otherwise.

[Lazyjaney]

Adoring doesn't make up for no spark or no smarts. Over time you will get more and more frustrated IMO.

[Bigviking]

I would say end it.

I married a man exactly like the one you describe. 14 years, marriage and two kids later, we're now splitting up because I want more from a relationship. DH is a lovely lovely guy, and I do respect him in many ways, but there's never been that intellectual spark which I now realise is very important to me.

If you feel like you're "settling" (as awful as that sounds) now, it will only get worse.

[meiisme]

What stands out for me is that you're worrying you've put more emphasis on ambition than kindness when looking for a partner, have not given up enough of yourself and think your current man "generally holds me in very high regard, higher than is probably justified."

Do you - secretly, somewhere underneath - feel more comfortable in a relationship where the guy is someone to look up to and gives direction, rather than a completely equal relationship?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I was once with a good man who adored me. Properly adored me. I didn't like it, found myself taking advantage of it, and respected him less because of that. We weren't of an age to think about getting married anyway, but it would have been a huge mistake to have done so.

[rainbowsmiles]

Adoration for me implies worship. I just want to be loved and to love generously. It's not as though there is a magic formula though, even with the perfect start things go wrong and some with what I would describe as questionable starts work out well. I would agree with someone else up thread that the very fact you are questioning it is evidence enough things aren't right.

Sometimes you just got to take a chance. There is only one sure thing, no decision is the very worst of decisions.

[Helltotheno]

Yes on balance, you probably don't respect him enough for what he is, which isn't his fault, so I'd say he's not for you.

The intellectual thing is basically you saying you have more academic smarts than him and he bores you or will in time. Imo intellectual smarts are not all they're cracked up to be but if you perceive he's not your equal in that way, you'll always look down on him and that'll be obvious to your DC etc.

I'd say move on he can probably do better!

[LizCurly]

I think people could over analyse this message. The basic message would have been a good reminder to me if I'd heard it at the right time.

I think in my late 20s I was looking for a man who'd reflect well on me so I went for a man who was better on paper than he was in person if yall know what I mean............................. I shan't elaborate on this occasion.

I think a teeny tiny bit of very blunt advice of this nature would have shaped my choices at that age.

Now, in my forties, I'm single, and rarely think about that, or changing it. But I don't think that the advice is bad.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

If you don't respect him, it won't work.

You don't want to admit it to yourself, but what is coming across that you don't respect him. Don't ignore this feeling - its very important. Don't stay with him because he's a good man - there are many good men out there - and a good man who you respect will be a better match for you.

In the past, I've been in relationships like yours sounds like now. I tried to ignore the missing thing - because I thought I should. Really, I was being unfair to me and them.

[Gardenofsimple]

I'm 30.

By "adoring" I don't mean anything sycophantic. He thinks I am intelligent, and funny, and good and just generally holds me in very high regard, higher than is probably justified.

[BillyBanter]

If you're not feeling it then it doesn't matter how good or adoring he is.

[Hormonalhell]

I just dumped a guy who loved me and I didn't feel the same.

It's true what others have said, you need to meet someone whose your equal, whom you respect and admire but not in adoration.

Sadly I think I'll never find mine

[ormirian]

I did.

20 years later he had an affair.

There are no guarantees.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I too agree that being adored is cloying and leads to disrespect. It's a paradox and no mistake! My DH adores me but not unconditionally. If I treated him in an abusive way he would pull me up on it and quite right too. He does not fulfil all my needs, no person can do that. We both have strengths and weaknesses and we have good and bad days within the 'dynamic' IYSWIM. If you are not sure, then it is your spidey sense telling you to proceed with caution. It doesn't mean you should split, just that it's not perfect. All couples have degrees of perfect and some settle for a lesser degree than others. Do not settle for what you are not comfortable with in season and out and in all moods, it will not work long term.

[onlyjoking9329]

If you are asking then I'm guessing you know things are not ok.
No one person could or should meet every single need, sounds like you would be setting yourself up for disappointment.

[AnyFucker]

the one bloke in my life that "adored" me irritated the fuck out of me and I had to let him go

[Twinklestein]

Personally I think being adored is slightly annoying...

[Twinklestein]

Different levels of intellectual curiosity

Can you expand?