Do I give him a second chance?

[Layla0000]

Can anyone tell me how you decide whether to let go or hang on to a relationship?

I am in a difficult situation during a very unexpected separation which both of us regret and wish had not happened. He thinks we are working towards getting back together. I feel like this some days, but other days I feel like it is just over.

Without going into too many specifics we were very happy until a few months ago. Before this happened, I would have never believed I would ever consider splitting up with him. I loved him completely and everything about the relationship was fantastic.

He did something to me that I find hard to forgive. No OW, no violence. Just something that made me doubt absolutely everything and I can't seem to see "us" in the way I used to.

He let me down big time. I do forgive him for it. There were extenuating circumstances, but at the same time it still happened.

Can anyone tell me if when you feel like this it is best to either give it a try and see what happens, or whether it is best to just walk away on the basis that "if it's meant to be it will be".

The situation is very complicated and while I don't want to drip feed I also don't want to make this post really long and confusing.

[Layla0000]

Kewcumber No, I don't think he would. He's talked about why he reacted the way he did, and why he never would again. He's making all the right noises.

BloodyUseless Not physical danger, but at my lowest moment. Also his lowest moment so bother of us were in bits. He said he could not cope with what was happening to us and left. Not for the night either. For a few weeks. Then regrets it.

You can see where I'd have trouble. Isn't your mate not supposed to do that?

I know he was as screwed up as I was at the time, the situation was incredibly painful for us both to deal with. We were at rock bottom emotionally and mentally.

[Twinklestein]

Ok so basically he bailed when things got tough.

[BloodyUseless]

Any chance there are any mental health issues? People "bailing when things get tough" doesn't necessarily make them a bad person if they've had a breakdown for example.

[Twinklestein]

I guess something terrible must have happened? - perhaps a bereavement or a crime etc - and you were both deeply affected by whatever it was.

[Layla0000]

Have you ever been in similarly challenging circumstances where he stood by your side and was your rock? Does he have form for folding when the going gets tough?

We've never been through anything as painful or stressful, most people never have thankfully. However we have been through the ups and downs of life and he has always been my rock. Always. I suppose though you want to know they will ALWAYS stick by you.

[Kewcumber]

Hmmm, supporting your partner when times get tough is pretty fundamental though.

But if you are really convinced he wouldn't do it again then I would keep trying until it becomes obvious to you either way that the relationship is damaged beyond hope.

People do get through some horribly tough times sometimes and sometimes they don't. To be honest I'm not sure how you tell which is your relationship until you try.

[MonsterMunchMe]

Hmmm this is tricky.

I was left by a partner when I needed them the most. I had lost his baby and was seriously ill. He left because he couldn't cope, I would never have forgiven him or taken him back. I was vunurable and he left me. Game over IMO.

But with XH, he was an alcoholic, I needed him and he let me down plenty of times, on a smaller scale eg money, lifts looking after DS etc but, over and over again. It eroded any trust/love/respect and killed the relationship.

Is it anything like the above? Don't say more than you want to though!

[Layla0000]

Twinklestein I am maybe underplaying. We had been through a lot of tough times before and he never bailed...I think things were more than tough, so I have forgiven him on an academic level, I think it was his only way of coping. I know men sometimes have an internal collapse when struck by a big shock or a very painful situation. I just expected us to do it together.

BloodyUseless He doesn't have MH issues in general, but since this happened he's being treated for depression and some anxiety which he'd never experienced before this. I suspect that might be due to our breakup rather than the cause of it so have not factored it in.

[Layla0000]

I guess something terrible must have happened? - perhaps a bereavement or a crime etc - and you were both deeply affected by whatever it was

Yes, exactly, but I would rather not mention as it's very personal to our family and involves others too. Would not feel right about describing it online.

[salonmeblowy]

Yes, I certainly do, Layla.

A friend's relationship broke down because her mother killed herself and her partner could not cope with the fallout. Traumatic as it was, I called it a lucky escape, he clearly could not be relied upon. She was supported by lovely friends and is now stronger and more amazing than ever. He is full of regret, and years later still occasionally e-mails to invite her for supper . I have nothing but contempt for him, so this may taint my view of your situation. I am probably projecting massively as I was so angry on behalf of my friend, who was left alone at her most vulnerable.

Maybe he would have forgiven you for acting the way he did because he knows he is weak and runs away from problems. If you cannot imagine abandoning a friend in need then it is unsurprising you expect the same from the person you are meant to rely on the most.

[Twinklestein]

Sure, no worries. I wasn't intending to pry.

[QuintessentialShadows]

"The situation is very complicated and while I don't want to drip feed I also don't want to make this post really long and confusing."

Or is it that you dont want to get the same sorts of replies in your earlier threads?

Forgive me if this is not you, but if it is, you just have to look to your earlier threads, and maybe speak to a counselor to help you work through this. unmumsnetly hugs.

[Layla0000]

salonmebowy I think the difference here was that it as his most painful time too, so not that he could not deal with the fallout...just that his reaction to him own pain was to leave us.

[Layla0000]

QuintessentilShadows I don't have any earlier threads, this is the first time I have posted.

Don't worry Twinklestein. I understand you weren't prying. I am concerned about sharing intimate details because it happened to someone else, rather than myself.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Ok, then forget the part before I give you unmumsnetly hugs.

[salonmeblowy]

We're the children affected as well? Did he also abandon them?

[salonmeblowy]

Sorry, *were

[Layla0000]

Yes. He did visit and stuff, but yes. He wanted to come back after a few weeks but I told him to stay away a bit longer to give us some space and it's dragging on to months now. I just don't know what I feel anymore and am not sure it's what I want.

I think a lot of people have said things that made me put off even more here. Like about trust being hard to rebuild. I might do what was suggested and just be honest and tell him a % of the time I don't know how I feel. Counselling might also be a good idea. We could both do with it anyway as we had a bit of a jolt.

[Layla0000]

I have noticed one thing, which is when we are having sex or kissing it makes me feel like crying. I suppose that isn't good.

[neiljames77]

No. It's not.

[Twinklestein]

It's difficult - when trauma hits - some couples pull together and some blow apart - and you can't know which you will be until you're in it.

You also can't know whether you'd forgive a (regretted) bail out.

I think I would just play it by ear, take it a day at a time, see if looks like it could be pulled around and I could forgive him.

Would I ever trust him not to bugger off again? I just don't know.

[Layla0000]

Well...I have to pick up my daughter now, then it'll be baths, bed and some sort of video with a glass of wine. Thanks all of you for the suggestions and opinions. I'll read them all over again later and see if I can get any clearer. I was hoping there was some sort of formula for knowing when to walk and when to fight but I think it might just be down to me to decide.

[Twinklestein]

Just refreshed, missed your latest posts.

I think it's true that trust is hard to rebuild, however, people do manage it. If both sides really want it to work then it is possible.

There are posters on here who have forgiven affairs and have gone on to be genuinely happy.

In the end, no-one else's experience is relevant OP. Whether you can work it out comes down to you and your partner - your personalities, your wishes, your commitment etc.

[JingleBrains]

Hi Layla.... I read your thread with interest and sadness.... I can't say I understand how you feel so I'm probably not in a position to give any advice.... However.... Based on what I read so far, looks to me like what you had was pretty good.... Your DP reacted in an unforgivable manner to a highly stressful and unusual situation - you know what, the human mind is such an abys, we can do things that we have no idea where they came from, as you say totally out out character.... Could this be one of those 'absurd reaction' moments for your DP?
After all he's only human... And if he is fundamentally a good person, maybe he deserves a second chance?...

[maras2]

Not too sure about this. 30 years ago DD was in hospital for 14 weeks following a RTA, she was 10. DS was 4 and due to start school.DH and FIL had a booked holiday to the USSR planned. I did however have good family support and lived fairly close to the hospital and school, I was on annual leave from work so childcare not a problem. I never asked DH to cancel his holiday, maybe I thought that he would offer. I felt very let down and sorry for myself whilst he was away and was a bit mardy when he returned.This probably doesn't even compare to your situation but I eventually stopped sulking and he said that he had had a dreadful time and wished he'd never gone.Anyway we're still together and I hope that you and your DH can see your way through. If not best to part sooner than later without dragging it out for too long. Good luck in what ever you decide. < Shit, one of these days I'm going to be able to use paragraphs >.