I just don't fancy him

[gobbledegoop]

I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months and on paper, he ticks a lot of boxes ie. he's really nice, romantic, considerate, proper job etc... only problem is, I don't find him sexually attractive.
Can relationships work without physical attraction??

[Apatite1]

I've been with my other half for 5 years. Still fancy the pants off him. He's no Adonis but who said fanny gallops? Yeah, that.

[Apatite1]

In other words: don't settle.

[gobbledegoop]

I have had bad luck with relationships because I work in a predominately female environment and all my friends are married.. I don't get the opportunity to meet men in the real world so I am reduced to internet dating. Now whilst I know this can work for some people, in my experience the "normal" ones are few and far between...

I thought that perhaps I should focus on personality instead of looking for that elusive "spark" but I guess that won't work either!

[gobbledegoop]

Predominantly even.

[storynanny]

Please don't carry on. Sadly through personal experience of making the mistake of marrying someone who was kind, good friend, supportive etc etc, but whom I had no chemistry with, it won't work . Like someone said earlier,if you have sparks to begin with then it will come back later again if you have any ups and downs.
The difference between how I feel physically about my long term partner bears no resemblance to my my exH, who would make an excellent husband for the right person. The fact that we are still really close friends shows that that was what we should only have ever been! I can rely on him for anything except I dont want to have physical contact with him.
I tried and tried to force myself to "settle" but had to admit as I approached the end of my 40's that I couldn't do it for another 30 years.

[gobbledegoop]

Is it better to text him or make him drive half hour to be dumped face to face? I feel so mean either way, he's such a lovely guy :-(

[Layla0000]

For me, that "cor" feeling always grows on me

[gobbledegoop]

Really?? How long does it take?

[BillyBanter]

On the one hand I fall fast or not at all but on the other it does sometimes grow for some. If you think he is a good decent man and you like his personality maybe you can give it a bit longer to see if he grows on you.

In some book I read where the character was in an arranged marriage she said I learned to love my husband bit by bit. First I loved his hands.

So maybe look at this hands, describe them flatteringly in your mind. Think of any good things he does with his hands, cooking or fixing things, etc. Then think of them romantically, imagine their touch, kissing them etc.

Communicate in bed so you improve both of your enjoyment of it.

Fantasise about sex with him generally?

[SolidGoldBrass]

FFS Billy, why should she? She doesn't owe him a relationship, or sex. He won't drop dead if she dumps him. Life is far too short to waste any of it trying to make yourself accept a man you are not bothered about when you have the far better option of remaining single.

[ShowMeSaturn]

Nope, is your answer. Otherwise you are just Friends.

[BillyBanter]

I didn't say she should. She sounded undecided on whether to try and I suggested what she might try if she wants.


FFS.

[MadeMan]

"...only problem is, I don't find him sexually attractive."

This is the point.

OP, you've only been seeing this man for about two months. This isn't like some of the situations in threads here where people have been married for 20 years and are trying to get their original spark back.

Two months in and you don't even seem to have the sexual spark to begin with.

"...on paper, he ticks a lot of boxes..."

On paper, a lot of football teams should work, but it's not always about how good the players are individually; it's about how they fit together.

[ScottishPies]

Men will often appear 'lovely' even 'ideal' when you first met them because they want to be liked just as much as we women want to be liked.

After the first few months their real personalities/ foibles will sneak through. Just as ours (womens) will.

I have dated men i didn't fancy but thought where lovely people and hoped that the relationshp would work and congratulated myself on not being vain. But inevitably after 6mths or so the relationship broke down .

n trueth i have only ever dated 2 men who i thought were truely gorgeous iinside and out - one relationship lasted 5ish years,and it broke my heart when it finished and i promised myself i would never put myself in a position where i could get hurt like that again

But 16yrs later (and another longer term relationship inbetwern) i met another man who makes me go weak at the knees. He is my current parntner and i have never really been able to accept the he is mine! We are going throu some issues, and it breaks my heart to think i may never be part of his life again.

Its worth holding out for the special ones. They change enrich your life in so much. I've wasted so much by taking the easy option with men. The old adage is true "better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all".

Don't compromise -.if your not feeling it walk away. Save your energies for the someone who really makes you feel special. They'll turn your wprld upside down and you'll love and hate them for it in equal measure, but it will be an experoence you truely treasure.

[antimatter]

ScottishPies - very true what you are writing!
one can pretend only so much
I wonder if 6 months is the average time for true colours to come through :)

[feelingvunerable]

No it wouldn't work for me.

I need to feel a chemistry at the beginning of a relationship, if it's not there then it certainly won't be years down the line.

Do you want this type of relationship?

[99redbafoons]

Physical attraction is the last thing you "fall back on" when things aren't exciting anymore. You need to have a good friendship, enjoy each other's company, make each other laugh etc.

But if you don't fancy him and have to bring up the size of his penis when debating whether or not to stay with him I'd say the answer is pretty obvious....and you know that OP.

[CailinDana]

Of all things in life, isn't it worth being "picky" over the person you're planning to spend every single day with? The person who will (likely) be father to your children?

I'm with my DH 12 years and I still can't look at him during an argument because his eyes totally melt me. Life has so many annoyances and trials, your partner has to be very special or they just become another annoyance. You have to genuinely want to be with them because when you're up at 3am with a screaming newborn anyone you don't truly love will be in serious peril :)

[ALittleStranger]

I'm with my DH 12 years and I still can't look at him during an argument because his eyes totally melt me. Life has so many annoyances and trials, your partner has to be very special or they just become another annoyance. You have to genuinely want to be with them because when you're up at 3am with a screaming newborn anyone you don't truly love will be in serious peril

^ This. (And at the power of melty eyes.)

[AsiaGold]

To be honest I don't think I could be with someone who I wasn't physically attracted to, I believe I wouldn't be able to enjoy "certain" things with them. But on the other hand I have a few friends who don't find their partners attractive but are still with them and it's working fine.

[gobbledegoop]

Thank you for your opinions everyone and your experiences ScottishPies

[gobbledegoop]

Well as a result of the majority here, I have ended the relationship. He was so nice about it,I feel so bad! Please tell me I've done the right thing??!

[Beamur]

That's very brave of you. He sounds like a nice bloke, but you are better off single than settling. Honestly.

[gobbledegoop]

But what if I'm single forever and I could have had a nice life with him?
I don't want to be alone forever!

[AmazingJumper]

You may or may not meet a husband or a long term partner, but you will not be alone forever.

When you're unhappily married you will never feel loneliness like it.

That is why you shouldn't settle.