I just don't fancy him

[gobbledegoop]

I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months and on paper, he ticks a lot of boxes ie. he's really nice, romantic, considerate, proper job etc... only problem is, I don't find him sexually attractive.
Can relationships work without physical attraction??

[gobbledegoop]

I've not had great success with relationships and thought that perhaps I was being too shallow considering looks...

[TonyThePony]

I've never slept with somebody I wasn't physically attracted to... Perhaps I'm shallow but I do think physical attraction is an important aspect of a relationship... Especially at the beginning.

[Beamur]

Think of it as chemistry rather than aethetics. It's not how someone looks, its how they make you feel.

[Dahlen]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What one person finds attractive, another doesn't. Knowing someone can alter your perception about their appearance, so that someone you wouldn't necessarily look twice at in the street becomes very attractive to you once you've spent an evening with them or embarked on a relationship with them. That's why friendship sometimes spills into something more and why others tend to stay attracted despite the gaining of weight/loss of looks, etc.

However, appearance matters. Despite our ability to reason and moralise, when it comes to the biological urge to have sex, a lot of it is still instinct driven and much of the rest is influenced heavily by cultural norms we are brainwashed into from birth and experiences we have as we grow up. You can't alter any of that. You are attracted to what you are attracted to and that's that. It's not shallow.

Feelings require no justification from others. You are allowed to feel exactly what you want. There are no shallow feelings. Behaviour OTOH can be shallow, and I think leaving a long-term partner because they've gained weight after an accident, for example, would be shallow. Leaving a new lover because they don't ignite that spark is sensible rather than shallow and will avoid a lot of heartache for both of you later on.

[MadBusLady]

But don't you think you can fall in love with people you don't fancy?

Oh yes. I know you can.

But I absolutely do not recommend it. It only ever gets harder to leave.

[normalishdude]

instead of analysing each individual aspect of attraction and compatibility, why not ask the question, 'can I see myself with this guy in a long term relationship'?

[gobbledegoop]

I guess I was hoping that as I got to know him, I would begin to find him attractive. As you said Dahlen, about the man in the street not being attractive until you spend some time together.

I know this can happen as I have been attracted to men before for reasons besides looks.. take Gordon Ramsay for example, face like the back of a bus... but grrrr! Just something about him!
Yes I know it's not real before someone says! Hehe.

[MadBusLady]

Yes, but the key is you have been attracted to them. It's not about whether they're conventionally good-looking, it's about whether you can do slow-burn fancying or not. I fancy people who are not conventionally good-looking - but the important thing is I either fancy them in the first, well, ten seconds if I'm honest, or I don't, and I never change my mind.

If you have done slow-burn in the past, ie started fancying someone after 6 months then you might be fine. It's not something I could do, and my instinct is that it's pretty rare.

[Joysmum]

My hubby and I were best mates for 8 years before he made a move. I NEVER thought of him in that way but when we had DTD then that all changed. There have been peaks and troughs along the way but the difference is, we've always known in a trough that a peak will come again. If you don't have that certainty, I'm not sure what you have got.

[jasmineramsden]

I have been with someone who was absolutely lovely as a person but I didn't have that spark for him. He was a great person in many areas and I stuck with it for a few years thinking the rest was enough. It wasn't. There are many friends male and female you can have in your life that are wonderful company, kind, make you laugh etc etc but that sexual attraction and passion is the one thing that separates your partner from your other relationships. I fancy my DP strongly and I don't think it's worth settling for less than this. Also it's not fair on him, we each deserve to be desired and if he's not giving you fizzy knickers then I'd end it.

[gobbledegoop]

So you don't think I'm being greedy in wanting it all??

[DreamingAlice]

OP- you are not greedy in wanting it all. Please don't settle. I married someone who I liked a lot but did not fancy- it did not end well. I really do not think you can overcome a lack of chemistry. Move on. The right person is out there for you if you set the bar high enough.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It is, really, honestly, much better to be single than to be in an inertia relationship. An inertia relationship is, obviously, not as awful as having a relationship with an abuser, but it is pretty grim. Quite often one partner is actually keener on maintaining the relationship than the other, or a lot more sexually attracted to the other person than is reciprocated, and this will slowly become a really poisonous situation of misery, resentment and disgust.

[Leavenheath]

That's an odd mindset to think that wanting or having 'it all' is greedy.

It isn't at all.

I'd be interested in why you do?

Never settle. That applies just as much to a Gordon Ramsay type bloke who gives you the hots but is a knobhead - as it does to Mr. Nice but Dull.

Both are forms of 'settling'.

[AmazingJumper]

You don't want it all.

You just want a boyfriend i.e. someone you like and fancy.

[gobbledegoop]

Perhaps greedy is the wrong word, maybe fussy or picky is what I meant.
You are right though, I do want a boyfriend that I like AND fancy...

[SolidGoldBrass]

Then hold out until you find one. Being single is so good that only a man who is both desirable to you and a good person is worth giving it up for.

[gobbledegoop]

Thank you all for your advice

[Beamur]

SGB amen to that!

[Thetallesttower]

This guy probably is a great catch- just not for you.

These boards are full of women who have married/settled for nice but not very sexually attractive (to them) men who then want to split up once they've had children and the fact that they are not attracted to their partners stretches into the future. I sometimes feel sorry for their partners- how horrible to be the nice but not attractive partner who was used for settling purposes and security, but was never really the object of true love.

Don't do this, there's no reason not to and my own view is that sexual compatibility and physical attraction are extremely important in sustaining a long-term marriage, sometimes that's all you have left if you are having a bad patch!

[Thetallesttower]

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about relationships where the initial sexual attraction has waned after children, I'm talking about relationships which you know from the start you don't really fancy the other person that much, but want what else they can offer. FGS don't settle down with a man you don't really fancy!

[SolidGoldBrass]

I've seen similar stories on these boards as well. TBH (and not making any suggestions about the man the OP has been seeing) while many of these pleasant but not-a-lust-object-to-the-woman-who-marries-them men are simply pleasant but perhapls slightly dull men.
Some of them, however, are not actually pleasant at all. They're NiceGuysTM and the woman's lack of physical desire for such a man can be her knob radar going off. Generally, if he trys to persuade you to 'give him another chance' or says that maybe you could 'learn to love him' even when you have told him clearly that, nice though he is, you don't find him sexually attractive, he's more likely to be a creep who thinks that if he does you enough favours you will open your legs.

[AmazingJumper]

I think if you have the initial spark, when it fades after children there's always the possibility of getting it back. But when it was never there in the first place...

[Helltotheno]

Why do you think you've had bad luck with relationships so far OP?

[neiljames77]

I think ours was based solely on looks and initial attraction. Nobody thinks I'm dull. Nobody thinks she's dull. It's just that over the years and especially as the kids are becoming more and more independent, it becomes more apparent that expectations and personality differences are exposed. It's something you can't quite put your finger on. No amount of soul searching or compromise can disguise the fact that sometimes, people aren't suited.