aibu not to let H take kids

[anxiousnow]

I have posted here before under a different name.
H walked out in January after what I would call a 5 month text emotional affair. He still denies it is an affair.
Prior that he had been suicidal at one point about finances and out trapped state in wrecked house and his job and bills out of control. He didn't seek help.
He started to have extreme anger issues, where if he realised he'd incurred a bank charge, for example, he would full force head butt the wall. He also would kick kids stuff, shouting at them they were disgusting etc. I told him he needed help, which he then sort out by starting the text affair.
Since leaving he now comes to the house every single day. He eats dinner etc. This arrangement suits me when he is in an OK mood. His good moods usually last about 2 weeks, then something unknown to me will happen and he'll be the mad angry man again. In the past he forcefully locked me and other kids out of a room and put mustard in one of our DC's mouth. My DC suffers from asthma. It was horrendous. I was locked out of room screaming. This was one of the incidents that forced me to tell him he needed help. Due to these outbursts I don't feel happy to let him have the kids for a day unsupervised. The children themselves are wary, and enjoy him while he's in a good mood but are scared when he's not.
Prior to any of this, we had both agreed that his parents would no longer be asked to watch our DC. HIs mother seems to pick on my DCs but not her daughters DCs. His parents live less than a ten minute drive away but have chosen not to see my DC's since last Christmas. They were told they were welcome round for DCs birthdays, but they didn't come. They won't even answer the phone to them.
My H insists on coming here everyday. If he is in a rage and we have an argument he then threatens taking the DCs. He has never asked for them while in a good mood, only after an argument.
Saturday, after a few weeks of being lovely, one of the DC said a word very similar to a swear word. H threatened to put soap in his mouth, to which DC replied that Mummy wouldn't let him. H then went mental at me saying how I have undermined him by not letting him put soap/mustard in their mouths. Next day of course, he announces he is taking the kids to his Mums in the Christmas week. I refused, he said he's taking them anyway. The oldest 2 do not want to go. I haven't mentioned to the younger 2.
Only 3 close friends know our weird current situation, most people thinks he is stil here. They also know about his behaviour and agree he shouldn't take them.
Since him leaving I have become so indesicive, he manages to blame me for everything and makes me doubt myself constantly.
Do you think it is unfair to let him take them, or should I force them to go in the knowledge that they may well end up with soap in their mouth. Help please. THank you. SOrry it is so long.

[perfectstorm]

And yes - my husband did either of those things (soap/mustard, punching walls, terrifying us) he would be gone. It is NOT normal - he'd kick me out if I did them, too, I assure you. Just because too many families live with abuse does not make it either normal or okay. You know that, it's not something you'd ever do yourself.

[FluffyJumper]

I feel uncomfortable about the fact that you are so tied to playing happy families with this man. It is not normal to have lovely days out with your ex - it is confusing for the kids. You don't have to hate each other, but it isn't normal to be spending quality time together as a family in this situation.

[43percentburnt]

His behaviour is abusive, it may be scarily common but it is abusive.

Your children love their dad, of course they do, (even children who are beaten and sexually abused love their parents it's what children do). However his abusive behaviour is not good for them to witness.

If the children mention this to a teacher or friends parent you may well end up with social services being involved. You say that you stop him putting mustard etc in their mouths, but in your op you say he locked you out of the room screaming. I am sure you are doing what you think is best to protect your children, of course you are. But you are in the middle of it, confused by his bizarre (abusive) behaviour. If he does have anger probs, they are not your problem to fix.

Who owns the house? Is it jointly owned? (Regardless of who pays). Sometimes courts allow the main carer to live there until the kids are adults. This would mean he cannot just waltz in when he wants. Do you work, claim tax credits etc. does he pay Csa? Do you know how much he earns etc. is there a way you can have your house without him being in control? At the moment He is controlling you by threatening to take the house away and saying you will live in a terrible area.

With regards to mustard etc, I am pretty strict as a parent and I am shocked that people put soap, mustard etc in people's mouths. Yes they may be children, but it doesn't mean we can shove whatever we want to into their mouth against their will. I think your gut feeling is totally right.

I really hope you seek advice from women's aid.

[cestlavielife]

no it is not ok to punch doors - it is threatening and says : do as i say or next tiem it will be you.

it is not ok to let him inthe house.
you need to stop this.

i hoep you get teh cbt counselling soon so you can get more self confidence to kick him out totally and go to solicitor to sort out thefinance/house properly.

is is no way to lvie waiting to see what mood he is in.

[AllThatGlistensIsChristmassy]

He's abusing your children, no matter how it's dressed up.

Other people saying they've done these things does not make it normal or acceptable, and you clearly need RL support to help get yourself and your children away from this awful excuse of a human being.

You don't deserve to live like this.

and

[Blu]

It isn't 'undermining' to prevent someone forcing a substance (Carex) that is clearly NOT for human consumption into a child's mouth! And the fact that the children say 'Mum won't allow you to' shows that they are looking to you to PROTECT them from a parent whose actions they fear. That is why you should not be playing happy families with him. Having a nice day out with a man who although he says he went too far with the mustard thing then chases them with Carex and criticises you - yes, criticises you - for stopping him, showing that he has every intention of doing it again. And again. And again. And then they see you serving him dinner! What message does that give them? About their safety? About what is normal behaviour in a family and between adults? About how important they are to you?

Look up The Freedom Training Programme.

And please, please get legal advice.

[CoffeeQueen187]

I can't believe you're trying to defend him by saying hes normally a good dad. He's not.

And saying that your friends have said similar things happen in their house so it's ok is minimising the situation.

Seriously, open your eyes, get legal help and, most importantly, choose your children over him.

Again, sorry if it sounds harsh, but I just want you and your children to be safe.

I was in a horribly abusive relationship and it started off with "small" things, like punching doors, criticising me, telling me I'm not doing right by my children etc etc. It'll only get worse if you don't put a stop to it and if he doesn't get help.

[whatdoesittake48]

You need the room to grieve for your relationship. At the moment you are pretending it is all still the same - putting up with the shit because the good times are good.As long as you keep seeing this man, the relationship will never be over.

You can't move on and find true love from a decent man (or just be alone and happy) until he is gone. What you have right now is half a life.

[Hissy]

You need to get WA to help you get your children away from this man.

If he turns up at your home, call the police and tell them that you're frightened of him, and that he's abused you and your dc.

Call social services to ask for help keeping him away from you all.

[anxiousnow]

Please don't shout at me. If anyone remembers my thread above I'd appreciate your comments.

I have been starting to realise (with friends help and this thread) that I am being bullied. This thread really shocked me mentioning WA and prompted me to seriously think and discuss issues in real life. I hadn't actually got round to taking the big step of turning it all nasty.

H came on Xmas day and was lovely, but when the next evening when the visit to in-laws came up it all turned. I told him the kids were not going. The older 2 didn't want to go. One of my youngers ones was ill plus I wasn't comfortable with them going. The next day wasn't nice. My washing machine had broken, and my DM and my H had been sharing washing. H lives with MIL. The washing was returned unwashed as she refused to have it washed there to punish me for not forcing kids to go on 27th. From then on she has manipulated H a lot as revenge. His fault though for doing it.

Fast forward to last week. I had finally got the courage to put a stop to him turning up and letting himself in. I had spoken to an advice line and was planning my move. He had been in an awful mood, which I think prompted my decision. We had an argument Saturday where he threw in my face that he comes everyday. I told him that no-one had asked him to, and that in fact I didn't want him to come. That he was controlling and abusive and really contact would be better at a contact centre. He is apparently insulted that he we say he scares us at times.

That was step one. Not as big a step as advised on here but still a step. There was various messing around Monday, then Tuesday he wasn't meant to be coming but let himself in anyway. I phoned a helpline and was discussing what I needed to do, ranging from changing locks, calling police etc. I felt that it would be hard to call police if he was acting civil at the time. Then I opened my post. A letter stating that he is starting divorce proceedings. Now my babies are going to get dragged through a bitter divorce and I am terrified that he may be granted unsupervised access.

[bibliomania]

Nobody should shout at you. I'm glad to hear you're in contact with a helpline.

The divorce is a good thing, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. It's a step towards your future, when things are going to be more settled.

Unsupervised access is a potential issue, so this is when you need to be strategic. Keep a list of all behaviour that causes you concern - don't be afraid to call the police if he kicks off, and keep a record. You need to create an evidence trail of why you are concerned about unsupervised access. For the moment, offer the contact in a contact centre to show you're not blocking contact, you just want it to be safe. If he goes to court for unsupervised access, you need all the evidence you have to show why you want it to be supervised only.

[Lweji]

Look, if there is a bitter divorce, it's through his doing.

And you should gather as much evidence as possible of his behaviour and gather as much support (WA, etc) to prevent unsupervised contact.

In any case, and as divorced parents, it should be more difficult for him to take away the children without your consent.

As advised, keep supervised contact, preferably at a contact centre and make note of his behaviour. He's likely to shoot himself on the foot at some point.

[Lweji]

His letter about divorce seems more like scare tactics, though.

Make sure he does file. :)

[arthriticfingers]

Are you sure he has filed for divorce - or is it a load of shite?
Abusers are so full of shite there is no room for anything else.
Be sure - and then get legal advice.

[AgathaF]

A divorce would be the best thing for your situation. You need to properly finish your relationship with him, not this halfway house situation you're coping with presently.
Your home needs to be just that - home for you and your DC, where he can only visit if he is invited, and you and they feel secure.
Please get legal advice for yourself, and speak to WA (again). Get the abusive things he has done to you and the children documented in case you need to use those facts later (GP, health visitor, WA, school).
At the moment you are way too entangled in his life, his family etc.

[anxiousnow]

Thank you for being kind. I am far too soft. To me it is all so sad. it never needed to come to any of this. He simply needed help back in his suicidal days. But now it has come to this I find it hard to separate the man who was a loving H and Daddy to the man I see lately.

I have called some solicitors and awaiting call backs. I also just phoned a legal helpline again who have confirmed that I cannot stop him coming in the house... if he becomes abusive I can ask him to leave and if he refuses, call the police but if he behaves, well, I'm stuck. I am not legally allowed to get him to return his key or change locks.

He has point blank refused a contact centre or supervision by anyone else. He is on the whole happy to be supervised by me, until we have an argument, then that's the only time he demands to take the kids. He has never ever asked for unsupervised access during a spell of being nice and getting on.

I haven't mentioned the D word to the kids, and don't think I will until I have too. I don't think the letter is just a threat as it says that court papers will follow. Thanks all.

[Lweji]

One more reason why you should divorce and settle what happens to the house. So that you can keep him out.

Meanwhile, make sure you don't lose your keys and have to change the locks because of that.

[arthriticfingers]

Sorry to go on about this - but was the letter written by the tosser your H, or was it official in some way.
I would take it to a lawyer (finances permitting)
Legal aid is still available in cases of abuse, so all the more reason - as those above have said - to get it all documented.

[anxiousnow]

Like your thinking Lweji
Arth, the letter is from a solicitor. The solicitor is a friend and customer of his, who has done some things in the past for us free of charge. SO he may be getting mates rates or fee waived. I have no idea.
Thank you.

[AgathaF]

It may not be his choice about the contact centre. He is a physically and emotionally abusive man, both to you and his children. Please get this documented, and also the steps you are taking to prevent your children being harmed by him - either emotionally or physically. For your own protection.
With regard to him being allowed to enter your home whenever he likes. Did you explain about the abuse to the person who advised you on the legal helpline? I would follow that up with proper advice from a solicitor and also from WA, who are very used to advising and supporting women going through what you are going through.

Of course you are going to feel sad. That is understandable. It has to be done though. In years to come your DC will thank you for it. Staying with him, or continued to allow him to control and abuse you all as he has been doing, would set such a bad example to them of what adult relationships are about. An example they may go on to repeat themselves.

[arthriticfingers]

Ok - so the letter is from a solicitor friend of his.
Good - he may be planning on f*ing off, but I still would not bank on it
Bad - (and believe me, I know exactly what I am talking about) if he really is starting divorce procedure and has a lawyer friend on board this is going to get hairy.
Please forgive me - I know I come across as very very brusque when I post, not intentional - but I really think you should get some good legal advice.

[Lweji]

Definitely get legal help. You are entitled to legal help if you can show abuse.
But you can also ask for his access to be prevented legally. A good point of call could be NCDV, particularly if he kicks off and you have to call the police.

As for the letter, I'm not sure what the letter was for. If he really wanted to file for divorce, why not present you with the paperwork, rather than a letter written by a solicitor?
In any case, if he's not paying the solicitor, the solicitor should be less likely to do whatever your STBH wants, but advise him towards a faster compromise. Who'd want to do a lot of free work, anyway?
I'd be more worried if he had lots of money and actually paid a solicitor who could see this as a good source of income.

[anxiousnow]

Took a big step tonight. Gave H a little speech. I told him that he cannot visit until Wednesday. He had yelled at me last week that he would only come on nights DCs had clubs. I have no car, so he takes them to football, ballet etc. After yelling it at me, he then came everyday as usual. This is what he does.
Tonight I actually told him for sure not to come. I also told him that instead of taking me to court to force DCs to go with him alone, he should have worked on being calmer and regaining everyone's trust. He told me that they do want to go with him. All except my eldest. I told him that my second doesn't want to either, he said that maybe he is too scared to tell me. I have never asked the younger two as I think they are too young.
It may not sound a big step to any of you, but it was huge for me. I was meant to say it to him yesterday but he was being really nice (has been all week) so I just couldn't. Today I have had a headache and been nervous all day. It's like I feel saying it makes me the one turning it nasty, but friends keep reminding me that he did that. For not getting help with his anger and own issues, by texting a whore for months and making think I was going crazy, by walking out on us, and now by taking me to court when even last weekend saying he wouldn't. (Again another thing he only says when in a rage).
He confirmed the solicitor is not his friend, it is just his firm.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

Lewj do solicitors try and ramp up costs? Not in my experience (which I admit is limited) During my divorce both my STBX and a good friend advised me not to consult a solicitor, both saying a sol would just make work to get fees, but actually it was the best thing I ever did. Without her, the financial settlement would have been a nightmare to negotiate, especially as Ex wouldn't instruct a sol at all, nor co-operate by supplying financial details, to the point where I had to take him to court over finance, after divorce was completed.

anxious well done for taking that step - I know how huge it is to take the first step of standing up for yourself. If you want support, or info on proving abuse for Legal Aid, you could try the Emotional Abuse support thread, without which I'd still be a miserable wreck, instead of a happy divorcee.

[Goldmandra]

Anxious, have you considered applying for an injunction to prevent him from coming into the house?

He will still have a right of access as the joint owner but that will be only in specific circumstances. He wouldn't be able to just come round and let himself in whenever he felt like it.