I'm going to be honest

[headdesk]

I'm going to be 100% honest because I'm pretty close to a break down and I need actual advice. So I'm not going to gloss over and make things to be better than they are.

I don't want to be married anymore. I'm desperately unhappy, but I can't see a way out of it, apart from just not being alive anymore, I know that sounds dramatic but I said I'd be 100% honest and I have been thinking about it.

I've been married for 5 and a half years, together for nearly 8. My husband is stroppy, controlling and uses emotional blackmail constantly. But he's also a very good father, provides for us all. From the outside we look perfect. He does his fair share of housework/childcare, I can't fault him on that.

He doesn't like me seeing my friends. Constantly tells me we don't spend enough time together (I go out maybe once a week, twice maximum). All other evenings are spent with him.
I'm at university, he says he's supportive, pays for stuff for my course but when I have to go into uni early or stay later it goes back to the 'we never spend time together'. I don't know what he wants? If I don't work I'll fail. And I worked so hard to get into uni.

He's controlling about when I go out. He has to pick me up, he doesn't particularly like it when I make my own way there but sometimes I do. He guilts me into being picked up by midnight every time. I never ever give him a time to be home.

When I get in the car it's a million and one questions about who was there, who I hung out with, what I was doing. He's obsessed with my guy friends, he never asks about my girl friends. I went out a couple of weeks ago with a very good guy friend of mine from uni (dh has met his gf, spent time with him etc). I wore a skirt and tights, I always wear shorts over my tights to keep them up. When I got home dh was convinced that when I left my shorts were underneath my tights (they weren't, that would defeat the purpose) and he was OBSSESED with it. The next day he said he was sorry he didn't know why he was like it. Then for the next hour he kept asking questions about what I would do if he cheated on me. It was all very weird.

But nothing's change since the apology, or ever tbh, he's always been like this.
I can't take anymore, I feel like a prisoner.
I can't leave. We live with MIlL (to save for a house and so I could go to uni). If I left I'd have to leave uni because I have no money, nowhere to go. My Ds has mild sn and moving would completely disrupt him. I don't want to leave uni because it's the only thing that's keeping me happy and sane at the moment.

I don't know what to do. Right now he knows something is wrong and is trying to buy my affections which is just pissing me off even more.

Reading back it doesn't sound bad and I know some people have it so much worse, but 8 years really wares sways at you.

[Lazyjaney]

"I think he sounds like he has severe anxiety issues. This paranoia is obviously making you both unhappy"

IMO he has severe "where the heck is my wife all week" issues, nothing more. OP wants the free student life but has an inconvenient family and husband.

If this thread was reversed the MN LTB crowd would be clamouring for the poor sod left at home to LTB, I've seen that called for any one of looking after the kids with little help; earning all the money; DP out late partying with good friends of the opposite sex - never mind all 3! "What is in it for you" they would demand.

Yet, here the poor sod left at home with the kids, the mortgage and the uncertainty is a controlling/anxious/bullying/abusive/anxious bastard. This thread is not so much double standards as complete and utter hypocrisy.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Well said lazyjane.

OP is studying 9-5 every day. On two of those days, she is out with her student friends, and poor ickle OP feels guilt tripped to be home before midnight?

The have moved in with MIL to save money and to support OPs studies, and as such OP has few duties regards to running a house, no bills, MIL does it all. MIL does childcare, and the husband takes two days off per week to look after the child too. In my view, op has it very good.

OP, you have posted about this before, and it does indeed seem like you have problems combining family life with your studies; you want the free student life, not a husband and a child who needs you.

[HorsePetal]

You say that your husband is stroppy, controlling and frequently uses emotional blackmail. If that is true then of course it is unacceptable.

However (based on other bits of info in your OP), it sounds as if you have a very supportive husband who is doing everything he can to support you through Uni (and you have a very supportive MIL in the background there too).

It seems really excessive to be going out twice a week - particularly if you are going out alone with male companions. I can understand why he doesn't like that.

My DH would probably also come across as being obsessive if he suspected I was spending time alone socialising with other men - he would be heartbroken and terrified

[QuintessentialShadows]

Your husband has reason to be anxious though, with you out on the lash with carefree students in sexy clothing such as hotpants to keep your tights up?

[headdesk]

Ok I get it. I'm in the wrong. Thanks for all your advice and opinions. It's all been taken on board.

[headdesk]

But to add, my mil looks after the kids until I'm home at 5. I then spend every weekend day and evening and 4-5 weekday evenings at home, so, that's when I'm at home. When I'm at home my dh makes my life thoroughly miserable. If it wasn't my guy friends that were the problem it would be something else.
Dh doesn't put up the cost for my course, my loan does. When I said he's paid for stuff I mean a few of my books. I pay for nursery fees out of my own money.

[Cantabile]

You can borrow books from the library, you don't have to buy them. There are a million ways to save money - students union, not going out or only for a few hours, etc. You would need to do all that if you were to leave your dh anyway. It depends how important the degree is to you. When I was at Uni there were people who brought in sandwiches/flasks, never bought books, didn't have a pc, never went out in the evenings or weekends, except to work.

If you do want to leave, then you'll have to cut your coat according to your cloth, and do without for a while. It will be worth it though.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am currently a student. I am probably a couple of decades older than you though.

I chose to do a part time course, rather than a full time course. I also opted to do home based study, rather than going to campus. It is lonelier, but cheaper, and I get the qualification I want in the end.

[QuintessentialShadows]

The reason for my choice however, is because I have obligations to my family.

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Ok, flower, I'm going to give you my totally honest, no holds barred opinion.

You haven't been totally honest. There's more background to this than you've let on and an awful lot more completely awful behaviour on your H's part.

I've known you for a long time and in that time he has never allowed you to socialise with your friends without giving you grief over it. Never. Even when you came to see me, he rang you constantly all evening - remember? You've been unhappy and felt controlled, manipulated and guilt-tripped for a very long time. This is not simply about you making new friends at uni. It goes back way beyond that.

You are not selfish. Not at all. I'm not going to explicitly bring up your background but as you've alluded to it by saying you've fucked up your life, allow me to categorically state that you have not, and that in fact you've done bloody well to come as far as you have and become the lovely, kind, generous person you are. You deserve to enjoy being at university, working towards an amazing career - at which you will ROCK by the way.

I've said before that you deserve better than the way your H treats you. I know you've always said you feel you can't leave and are trapped, but I promise you there are ways. You do need lots of practical support and to know exactly what kind of help is out there.

Being a single mum at uni is possible. It's no picnic, but neither is being as miserable as you are now. You can get LHA to help with rent, tax credits to top up your income alongside Child Benefit and maintenance and there are additional grants for single parents, as well as the childcare grant. It's do-able if you're organised and make sure you apply for everything that's out there.

Women's Aid will help you too. I'm sure you're sick of me banging on about them but they are an invaluable source of information and support.

Lastly, you know where I am. And you know you can come stay with me if you need.

[woollytights]

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

This is a really weird thread

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Who is flower? The OP?

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Who is flower? The OP?

Whoops, forgot to clarify that. Yeah, I was being a bit twee because I know the OP IRL and have a tendency to call people stuff like that when they're feeling low.

[headdesk]

Thanks smile. I didn't want to go into all the other stuff because most of the time I keep thinking 'it's not that bad' an I think people will just think that I'm being pathetic. But apparently I'm not, I'm a person who doesn't think about her family and wants to party all the time (not even remotely true btw) I'm not sure which one I prefer tbh.

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

You are neither pathetic nor a person who doesn't think about her family. You are in a crap marriage with a guy who has serious issues but refuses all your efforts to address them. How many times have you suggested counselling? How many times have you talked to him about this and he's promised to stop only to go back to manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing you days later?

[headdesk]

Too many to count :(

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Exactly. You've tried and tried and tried. He is making zero efforts to admit that he has behaved very badly or try to move forwards so you two can have a healthy relationship. You deserve better.

Today is the first time I've known you actually say you want to leave though. That's a big step in itself. Next you need to figure out how to do this in practical terms - what financial help is out there, where you'll live, how to balance uni and the children. I forgot if you said your course can be done part time? That might be worth considering if it makes splitting your time more manageable. That's the one thing I wish I'd done when I was a single mum at university.

You'll get there and there is masses of practical advice earlier on in this thread. And bloody well call Women's Aid!

[headdesk]

I will :) I'm trying to figure it all out now. I can't do my course part time, it's a pretty full on course but I will fin a way to manage it.

[Lazyjaney]

"This is a really weird thread"

A measure of lengths.....

[Jux]

Headdesk, I have no idea who you are or the background to your life. For what it's worth, I had an idea that there was a lot more background that you hadn't gone into.

As I said upthread, though, when you are at Uni on a seriously limited income you do have to stop doing a lot of things which all your fellow student take for granted. This is doubled when you have children, and being a single mother will make it that much harder. Go into this with your eyes open.

However, you are clearly utterly miserable living as you are, and this won't help you while studying (or at all ever). It won't help your children either.

Smite knows you and says he is abusive. I believe her, and therefore you too. Please do contact WA. You know that as a student you need to gather as much background info as you can before embarking on an essay or whatever, so apply that to your situation.

Get as much info as you can about your circumstances and what you can look forward to once you have left. Term is finished? There will still be people working at Uni, so talk to your tutor and admin staff about who you need to see to find out about further grants, housing, and so on. People do drop out, and maybe something has become free which you could scoot into until something better comes along.

Put your work hat on and call all the agencies who could help. WA, CAB, and so on.

Good luck.

[TheNorthWitch]

As a single parent at uni I was quite free to socialise whenever I wanted (usually too tired though:)) and didn't get my underwear checked when I got home - why doesn't your DH just fit you with a chastity belt and be done with it. It's not a crime to have a fun night out. I would scale it back though as it is inflaming a volatile situation and use the extra time and energy to be sorting out the practicalities of leaving.

I would say OP that your DH will probably get worse as your graduation and freedom approaches and it would be good to get advice from Women's Aid as the time around leaving is the most dangerous.

[likelytoasksillyquestions]

Yes, I'm also willing to take at face value that your husband is abusive. Even if that's not the case, you want out and that's good enough to leave.

Otoh, if you leave you will have to cut your cloth, as has been said upthread. I'm a student single parent. I love it - I love what I study most of the time and I love my son. But fuck me, it is hard hard work.
I became a (mature) student before having my son - actually I was in an abusive relationship at the time (I was also working full-time etc and paying my way and pulling my weight domestically, fwiw) and I remember all too well getting a hard time for daring to go out after class with friends.
Then I split up with my ex, and was a single and childless (working ft) student for a while. That was lovely. I went out after class two or three nights a week.
Then I had my son. And I stopped going out, obviously, because there was nobody else to look after him. I stopped spending money on anything non-essential. I learned SO much about time management. I'm a full-time postgrad now, my course is ridiculously full-on, I'm exhausted. My (childless, + one with child and partner) colleagues all think it's a 60+ hour/week commitment. That's a luxury I don't have. I use the time I've got, I use every second of my commute, I don't stop for lunch, I certainly don't socialise, but I get it done in probably about 40 hours.
Then I cook, clean (sort of), shop, look after my child.
My finances are fairly atypical so I won't elaborate, but I cover my rent, my nursery fees, my food and bills, my travel. There is pretty much nothing left over, but I don't need there to be, really. This is a short-term state of affairs.

I don't mean this to sound all self-congratulatory. But I want to highlight that (a) it can absolutely be done but (b) it is really hard and you will almost certainly have to make considerable sacrifices. And also, (c), it's unlikely to be the case that your degree is so particularly unusually impossible to squeeze into fewer hours. My degree is not an easy one. I have known other people on other not-easy degrees combine unusual and extensive personal demands with productive studying.

Talk to your uni. Talk to a solicitor. Find out more, make informed choices. Learn to drive. Best wishes with whatever you end up doing.

[AnUnearthlyChild]

I second those saying talk to the uni. They really don't want students to drop out and will do anything in their power to help. Access the free counselling services on campus to talk this through in a safe space, follow up in finding out how you could manage. Defer study or a year if you have to.

I work full time and I'm doing a full on uni course, I'm not a single parent, but I am sole earner and have had shitload of extraneous crap to deal with. Not boasting, just saying it IS possible if you want to make it wok, and are prepared to research it like any other project.

Good luck.

[garlicbaubles]

Just another little note of support for you, headdesk. I know you're no fool but, just in case ... Lazeyjaney and his sock puppets friends seem to think it's quite reasonable for a husband to check his wife's underwear after a night out, and rant about it. Neither of those actions are remotely normal or reasonable.

I hope you're listening to the student parents here, because you seem to be trapped by your own assumptions. Think wider. Good luck!