I'm going to be honest

[headdesk]

I'm going to be 100% honest because I'm pretty close to a break down and I need actual advice. So I'm not going to gloss over and make things to be better than they are.

I don't want to be married anymore. I'm desperately unhappy, but I can't see a way out of it, apart from just not being alive anymore, I know that sounds dramatic but I said I'd be 100% honest and I have been thinking about it.

I've been married for 5 and a half years, together for nearly 8. My husband is stroppy, controlling and uses emotional blackmail constantly. But he's also a very good father, provides for us all. From the outside we look perfect. He does his fair share of housework/childcare, I can't fault him on that.

He doesn't like me seeing my friends. Constantly tells me we don't spend enough time together (I go out maybe once a week, twice maximum). All other evenings are spent with him.
I'm at university, he says he's supportive, pays for stuff for my course but when I have to go into uni early or stay later it goes back to the 'we never spend time together'. I don't know what he wants? If I don't work I'll fail. And I worked so hard to get into uni.

He's controlling about when I go out. He has to pick me up, he doesn't particularly like it when I make my own way there but sometimes I do. He guilts me into being picked up by midnight every time. I never ever give him a time to be home.

When I get in the car it's a million and one questions about who was there, who I hung out with, what I was doing. He's obsessed with my guy friends, he never asks about my girl friends. I went out a couple of weeks ago with a very good guy friend of mine from uni (dh has met his gf, spent time with him etc). I wore a skirt and tights, I always wear shorts over my tights to keep them up. When I got home dh was convinced that when I left my shorts were underneath my tights (they weren't, that would defeat the purpose) and he was OBSSESED with it. The next day he said he was sorry he didn't know why he was like it. Then for the next hour he kept asking questions about what I would do if he cheated on me. It was all very weird.

But nothing's change since the apology, or ever tbh, he's always been like this.
I can't take anymore, I feel like a prisoner.
I can't leave. We live with MIlL (to save for a house and so I could go to uni). If I left I'd have to leave uni because I have no money, nowhere to go. My Ds has mild sn and moving would completely disrupt him. I don't want to leave uni because it's the only thing that's keeping me happy and sane at the moment.

I don't know what to do. Right now he knows something is wrong and is trying to buy my affections which is just pissing me off even more.

Reading back it doesn't sound bad and I know some people have it so much worse, but 8 years really wares sways at you.

[HoneyandRum]

The Uni will have services available to students where you should be able to talk to a counselor in confidence, there may well be a Womens Aid office also. If you reach out and talk to people in these services they may be able to suggest some solutions that none of us are aware of.

[headdesk]

I'll go and talk to uni in jan (I've broken up for Christmas for a month now).
We've just had another argument. Apparently I don't include him in things, which is weird because out of all the times I've been out with uni friends he's come with me around 75% of the time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

In between now and talking to your uni can you detach yourself emotionally from this person? See him as just some random, bad-tempered stranger rather than someone who has the ability to affect your mood? IME if you can detach, disengag and simply stop caring what a person thinks, it makes it 10x easier to plan your next move.

[tribpot]

It's not worth arguing about. Whatever you do will be wrong, because he wants it that way.

You've ended up with two children in separate places impossible to get to without a car, but you don't drive. You've ended up with a very expensive uni course you can only fund through him. He's set you up for this.

[wallypops]

For starters find someone to teach you to drive - a friend at Uni - so that you need the minimum number of lessons to pass your test. I'm sorry but not driving is just setting yourself up for a harder time in life.

[tinmug]

Sorry you're in this situation OP, it sounds unbearable. Like everyone else has said, it IS that bad. I fully agree with Cogito when she says that you need to arm yourself with information. You're looking at your future and going crazy with despair because it looks like you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It looks like you only have two options - stay with this arsehole so you can finish your course or leave and abandon your course - but there might well be other options. I think you need to go to student services and tell them everything. Tell them that you want to leave your marriage but stay on the course but you can't see how it could work, financially. If they don't have the answer, ask them who does. Approach everyone you can think of who might be able to offer you information or support. It looks impossible right now but it may not be. You need to untangle it, bit by bit. Good luck.

[MillyChristmas]

Single Mums get a hell of a lot of support at Uni. You need to look into it more. You get help with fees if not paid for completely. Childcare help and you would get housing from the council too. As others have said you need to plan it.

[MillyChristmas]

Eirikure up thread has good info on being a single mum and student....talk to her OP.

[LovesBeingHereAgain]

So you need to make a choice, you go now or in 2.5/3 years time.

The main thing to remember is tgat any reason you are not happy is good enough to leave for. Not one person has said it's not tgat bad you are making a fuss.

[DistanceCall]

Can you lead separate lives? I mean, live under the same roof but have little to do with each other?

[woollytights]

You recently met a man at uni and went out with him, just the two of you, which you dressed up for. To be honest, I can see why this pissed your DH off so much. Things play on people's minds and they drive themselves crazy. I don't think he feels left out in the sense of not being invited, I just think he feels unwanted, and rightly so.

Your DH's feelings I feel are fair, but his reaction poor and has obviously just made things worse.

I get the feeling overall that you want an escape from your life with him and your DH has picked on on this and has become so controlling as a desperate attempt to try and salvage it. He doesn't trust you because he gets the feeling your heart's not in it anymore and, like many might do, he suspects you are being unfaithful.

I would definitely support your decision to leave the relationship as your boundaries just don't seem compatible. You are both torturing each other being together. The practical advice you've received here is spot on, there is plenty of financial support available for students who are lone parents.

With regards to your DS, please don't worry about disruption. After all, you were living there to help save for a deposit on a house, so this was bound to happen eventually. I don't really have much knowledge of SN, but do you have any kind of support worker who could offer professional advice on supporting him through this?

[tinmug]

You recently met a man at uni and went out with him, just the two of you, which you dressed up for. To be honest, I can see why this pissed your DH off so much

From the OP: I went out a couple of weeks ago with a very good guy friend of mine from uni (dh has met his gf, spent time with him etc). I wore a skirt and tights, I wore a skirt and tights, I always wear shorts over my tights to keep them up. When I got home dh was convinced that when I left my shorts were underneath my tights (they weren't, that would defeat the purpose) and he was OBSSESED with it.

OP does not say she "dressed up," she says she "wore a skirt and tights," which could mean anything from a floor length corduroy skirt and woolly tights to a bum-skimming mini skirt and 10-denier tights. Why do you automatically assumed she "dressed up" when in fact all she's actually said is that she wore some clothes? The point she's making in her post is glaringly obvious: her DH is fixated on the idea that she's fucking other men, and she had to describe what she was wearing to illustrate that.

[Lazyjaney]

I think if the sexes were reversed and it was a bloke moaning that his wife, who was earning the money, putting him thriugh Uni and putting him up, wasn't giving him enough freedom to go out late with his girl friends from Uni then this whole thread would be totally telling him he was a selfish wanker.

[tinmug]

I think if the sexes were reversed and it was a bloke moaning that his wife, who was earning the money, putting him thriugh Uni and putting him up, wasn't giving him enough freedom to go out late with his girl friends from Uni then this whole thread would be totally telling him he was a selfish wanker

Well you'd be wrong.

[tinmug]

Just for a change.

[hashtagwhatever]

I agree with lazyjaney

[drudgetrudy]

Yes lazy has a point. OP needs to weigh up whether her freedom or the practical support she is getting currently are the most important to her. The idea of staying till the degree is completed and then leaving anyway seems a bit off. On an irreverent note (talking of suicide) dead people don't complete degrees anyway so if it really is as bad as that perhaps the degree will have to go. You can get away but it might mean completely rethinking your plans

[comedycentral]

There are many suggestions on here and I know it's hard but none of them seem to be able to work for you. So, another tactic. Possibly a stalling one....therapy for him? For you both even? As a couple. Plus...start learning how to drive, save up cash secretly. Make your plans...

[larrygrylls]

He has a jealousy problem but you have already emotionally checked out of the relationship. This is a vicious circle.

You have 2 choices, both reassess and, maybe with the help of therapy, try to get your relationship back on track. Otherwise you need tone honest with him and leave. What wod be morally wrong is to use him and his mother as Childcare and your private bank and then to calculatedly leave once you have taken what you want.

[woollytights]

OK, I assumed she dressed up. Doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to my point really, a married woman meeting a new man and going out just the two of them despite her husband feeling uncomfortable.

Lazyjaney made the point far better than I did.

If OP's husband had posted on here pretending to be a woman in a relationship with a man, he'd be told to demand full access to phone and emails, kick him out for a few nights for space to think and all the rest of it. Let's not pretend that's not the case just because it's convenient. Read any other thread on here and see for yourself.

[headdesk]

It wasn't just the two of us, sorry if I didn't make that clear, I went out with this guy in a group, dh is obsessed with my friendship with this guy, with no reason to be. He's been like it with every single guy friend I've ever had.
I'm leaving anyway, if I stay in uni or not I need to leave.

Thanks for all the advice

[headdesk]

He's more than welcome to go through my phone and emails, I've done nothing wrong!!

[Thants]

I think he sounds like he has severe anxiety issues. This paranoia is obviously making you both unhappy.
He needs to go the doctors and tell them how he is feeling because he needs treatment very soon. Cognitive behavioural therapy and possibly medication.
If he were able to control his paranoia do you think you would still want to leave? If he did seek help would that change anything?
If it would not change how you feel or if he refuses treatment then leave and claim for a new uni loan alone declaring your dependants plus work part time. Money would be tight but once you finished you could work full time again.

[Cantabile]

Universities want their students to finish, not to leave. IME they bend over backwards to help you stay and work things out, if they possibly can.

[QuintessentialShadows]

So if you are going out two evenings a week, and study full time, your children are in nursery to days per week, your husband looks after them two days per week, and your MIL the rest, (assumably also in the evenings out with friends and while your husband drives to pick you up at night) I have one question:

When are you home? When do you look after your kids?

If I were your husband, I would perhaps also be slightly resentful of all your evenings out. He supports you to study, which you say is full on, and he supports you in going out with friends and staying out late twice a week.

If I were you, and you are clearly unhappy and not really keen on married life, I would leave. I would not take the kids in your shoes. You would not afford it, and you would need to arrange extra babysitters for your evenings out. Or do you expect MIL to come look after your kids while you live the student party life style in the evenings?