My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I contact mil? Confused

59 replies

Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 09:12

Hello. I have name changed for this because if I was outed It would cause even more conflict.

I have three daughters aged 2, 4 and 7. Since the birth of my eldest, my pil have shown very little interest in the everyday 'bog standard' details, events of my family, choosing to spend all their time on my brother in laws sons instead. It is very hard for me to explain it all on here but their behaviour has been very hurtful and upsetting. We spent years trying to involve them in our children's lives and found it more and more hurtful as time went on. We tried to discuss this with them and they would become very defensive and say we were over reacting.

My middle daughter was very ill a few years ago. At one point she was so ill she was hospitalised and we thought she had a life threatening illness. Even then, our pil took over a day to enquire whether she was ok and since then have never asked how she is or shown any interest, despite me originally trying to keep them informed.

Anyway, a few years ago we had enough of thus treatment and told them exactly how we felt. This resulted in a tirade of abuse from them via text message, email and phone calls where we were called every name under then sun and told that they did not want to hear from us until we apologised for our behaviour (?!).

Since then, my husband has taken our daughters to see them on very rare occasions To avoid a possible threat of court action from them or further abuse (I am worried about them turning up on doorstep or even at our daughters school). Despite not really wanting anything to do with their grandchildren originally, as soon as we stopped making the effort, they have acted as though they are the worlds most devoted grandparents (still no interest in day to day life etc but spending large amounts at Christmas for example). We go months without hearing from them until a birthday approached and then they get in touch.

Anyway, to cut. Long story short, I no longer have anything to do with them (I have struggled for years with the upset of it all) but to keep the peace the rest of my family have met up a few times a year. I feel I need to explain to my mil how I feel and how their behaviour has affected my family to such a large extent over the years. I don't want a row, I don't want them to now have a sudden change of heart and start taking an interest, I just feel for me to be able to move on and not be so hurt by it all, I need to tell her how I feel. There is a reason it would be to her not to my fil but I am unable to write this down.

What would you do? Sorry for the long message, I am shaking writing this as it still upsets me so much. Other family members only know my pil side and have chosen to listen to them rather than even find out from us what happened. My husband is 100% on the same wave length as me but has managed to detach himself from the emotional side of it and just get the rare meetings with them over and done with and move on.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:
Report
clam · 01/12/2013 11:16

The trouble with your parents' advice is that they are projecting their own reasonable "nice, normal" behaviour and attitudes onto people with very different values. Your ILs have shown you very clearly, time and again who and what they are, so why do you think they will suddenly see the light and change?

They cannot take you to court, you know that, and they're presumably not going to die for a very long time, so why not put that worry to bed?

People go to funerals for all sorts of reasons - you don't have to "qualify" for attendance based upon how close your relationship was. You could view it as going out of acknowledgement and respect for having been your dh's shitty parents and for closure.

Report
K8Middleton · 01/12/2013 11:25

I agree talking to a counsellor would be a better idea than venting at mil.

You need closure and it sounds from what you have said that it is very unlikely that pil will ever agree with your take on the situation.

Report
ThanSheSaid · 01/12/2013 11:27

I wouldn't contact them, let your DH do what he likes with regard to short visits once in a blue moon.

Do you have other family support?

Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 11:34

Thank you so much for all your advice. I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply :-)

I don't mean to drip feed but I have been trying to keep this all as anonymous as possible. It is only my mil that my husband has been taking my daughters to see. My fil is vile and I would never allow my children to be put in a position to be spoken to by him, let alone meet him face to face (whilst they are all so young at least). I have struggled with them seeing mil as although she has not done anything particularly bad (just ignored them etc) she has backed my fil and will always back his actions no matter what he does. Allowing her to see my daughters once or twice a year means my fil will not threaten us, turn up at the door, school etc. if we took that away from her I know he would do the above under the excuse we were treating his wife badly (not because he is desperate for any relationship with my kids).

I will not write to mil. I will just ignore it all and as some of you say, just live my life. As far as the death thing goes,I fully appreciate that I am looking into the future too much and panicking. Thank you for giving me the good kicking up the backside I needed :-)

Until now I have only had my parents advice which has frustrated me as they are almost not able to comprehend what has happened. It has done me the world of good to get advice from other people. So a massive thanks to you all x

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 11:41

If your FIL is 'vile' why were you so bothered about them being involved in your family's life in the first place? If it were me I'd have been thinking 'phew' and been glad they kept their distance...

Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 11:47

Cogito- because I was trying to do my best for everyone involved and obviously got a bit lost on the way!

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 11:50

Obviously...

Report
Gluezilla · 01/12/2013 11:53

Your PIL will never see your point of view or understand your hurt.

Your FIL "rages" - this is classic toxic behaviour - he rages to manipulate and get his own way.
You are not responsible for their behaviour nor their feelings.
The more you get them to try to see your hurt the more they will hurt you.

Detach yourself emotionally and concentrate on your own family.

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 11:57

I disagree. FIL raged and was unreasonable and then kept his distance together with MIL. There was nothing intrinsincally wrong with that situation. The OP and her DCs were at a safe distance & not being manipulated in the slightest. The OP ... out of misplaced sense of duty to the parent-figure... was the one knocking on the figurative window, trying to gain access. Rather than 'let sleeping dogs lie' the OP has spent a long time poking the sleepy dog and it's now turned on her... pretty predictable really.

Report
Gluezilla · 01/12/2013 12:01

Was that to me CognitoConfused

I think we are saying the same thing - I don't think the OP should go back and "poke the sleeping dog" either.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2013 12:02

"I have struggled with them seeing mil as although she has not done anything particularly bad (just ignored them etc) she has backed my fil and will always back his actions no matter what he does".

Of course she will back him, she is his willing enabler in all this dysfunction. Also "just ignoring your children" does make her look equally bad.

Do not struggle any more, just stop all contact with the ILs as of now. None of these people are doing any of your family unit any good, they are doing their own fair bit to damage it. If they send stuff give it to the charity shop without acknowledgement. They are patently not interested in your children and it is certainly not in your interests at all to pursue this relationship any further.

Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 12:08

I know it all sounds fucked up but that us because it is. They didn't want anything to do with us - fine. But if we stop contact with them, they get offensive and don't like it and start accusing us of not letting them see the kids

OP posts:
Report
Gluezilla · 01/12/2013 12:10

In this situation your FIL is still controlling you.

He turns up at your door - call the police.
He turns up at your DC school -call the police.
He threatens you - call the police.

Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 12:16

On one hand I agree gluezilla. But on the other hand I was trying to minimise the distress for us and our children that having him do these things would cause. That is my dilemma. By keeping this very rare contact open, I am stopping this from happening.

OP posts:
Report
zippey · 01/12/2013 13:12

You say they ignore your children but Im not sure what you want them to actually do. They (mil anyway) seem to want to see the grandkids from time to time, and buy them gifts at Christmas etc.

I think people vary in how much time they wish to spend time with their familes and I dont think there is a right or wrong in that instance. You will obviously want the world to revolve around your children, but the GP's will have different priorities. Surely its a perk of being a GP that you only see the kids and GC now and again?

Your OP also mentioned that they seem to love your BIL's kids more, but I wouldnt look on it as a competition. Its obvious that you dont like them, so maybe its you they dislike rather than your children.

You're FIL does sound pretty nasty though. How does he get on with your BIL's kids?

Report
zippey · 01/12/2013 13:17

I would also say that I dont like your confrontational style OP. Unless they do something completely awful, I would just refrain from contact and just leave the ball in their court. I certainly wouldnt confront them about how often they see their grandkids.

I also dont think that waiting a day to ask about your hospitalised daughter was too off the scale. Maybe they had not grasped the seriousness of her condition?

Report
HoHolepew · 01/12/2013 13:26

Go no contact. FIL sound like a bully, shouting about turning up at the school etc. As others have said if he harasses you phone the police.

I hate MIL but she still sees the DDs every other saturday. I won't go to her funeral and don't care what people think. Her and FIL are divorced and he used to come up every sunday. He hasn't been up for months and has told DH that he isnt getting enough attention from"those ones" meaning the DDs. He can go and fuck himself as well.
If people make you unhappy or stresssed, remove yourself from them.
.

Report
HoHolepew · 01/12/2013 13:27

Oh and don't confront them. That won't end well.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2013 15:52

You seem to be still overtly reasonable with these people and they are using that reasonableness against you. These toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They have not apologised ever have they?.

The road to hell is always paved with good intentions and your children likely are confused so unfortunately it could be argued you are not minimising any distress for them. They see their grandparents actively disliking their parents but you still allow access to their grandmother. I still have to ask why; presumably you are still too afraid of any possible comeback or retaliation through court etc. You are also affected by fear, obligation and guilt to these people. Your FIL and MIL do not have to see you to control you. I reiterate; they do not have any rights in law to see their grandchildren.

Your ILs still have you in the palm of their hands really by allowing yourself to play into their hands. They still get what they want from you i,e you and your family to use their power and control methods on.

Your ILs cannot do anything in law. The perceived threat of any court action is perhaps clouding your own judgment to its overall detriment.

Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 16:03

Thank you everyone. As I say zippey I am unable to go into too much detail as I want to remain anonymous but I can tell you I am in no way confrontational. In fact this has been going in for 4 years now and I have only ever confronted them on their behaviour once.

OP posts:
Report
Conduseddil · 01/12/2013 16:05

I am we'll aware they don't like me which is fine. No one has to like anyone they don't want to. But to hugely favour and treat m bils children like part of the family but to ignore my children doesn't seem right. It's not as if they behave like this to all thief grand kids. Just the ones related to me which yea, may be my fault

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2013 16:11

It is not right at all that they favour BILs children over yours.

I can only assume that this is also being done by your ILs as "punishment" against their son i.e your DH for further "disobeying" them. He has had a lifetime of them after all and knows all too well what they are like.

No, it is not your fault at all and it is also not your fault they are like this.
You did not make them this way; their own birth families did that damage to your ILs.

Report
homeaway · 01/12/2013 16:20

Somebody gave me some advice a while ago and it is very true. You can't change somebody's behaviour ,but you can change the way you react to their behaviour.

Report
ThanSheSaid · 01/12/2013 16:44

What does your DH want to do? Why don't you stop agonising over this and just let him deal with things completely. It might make the situation less unpleasant for you if you can try to distance yourself even more from thinking about it.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.