Should I contact mil? Confused

[Conduseddil]

Hello. I have name changed for this because if I was outed It would cause even more conflict.

I have three daughters aged 2, 4 and 7. Since the birth of my eldest, my pil have shown very little interest in the everyday 'bog standard' details, events of my family, choosing to spend all their time on my brother in laws sons instead. It is very hard for me to explain it all on here but their behaviour has been very hurtful and upsetting. We spent years trying to involve them in our children's lives and found it more and more hurtful as time went on. We tried to discuss this with them and they would become very defensive and say we were over reacting.

My middle daughter was very ill a few years ago. At one point she was so ill she was hospitalised and we thought she had a life threatening illness. Even then, our pil took over a day to enquire whether she was ok and since then have never asked how she is or shown any interest, despite me originally trying to keep them informed.

Anyway, a few years ago we had enough of thus treatment and told them exactly how we felt. This resulted in a tirade of abuse from them via text message, email and phone calls where we were called every name under then sun and told that they did not want to hear from us until we apologised for our behaviour (?!).

Since then, my husband has taken our daughters to see them on very rare occasions To avoid a possible threat of court action from them or further abuse (I am worried about them turning up on doorstep or even at our daughters school). Despite not really wanting anything to do with their grandchildren originally, as soon as we stopped making the effort, they have acted as though they are the worlds most devoted grandparents (still no interest in day to day life etc but spending large amounts at Christmas for example). We go months without hearing from them until a birthday approached and then they get in touch.

Anyway, to cut. Long story short, I no longer have anything to do with them (I have struggled for years with the upset of it all) but to keep the peace the rest of my family have met up a few times a year. I feel I need to explain to my mil how I feel and how their behaviour has affected my family to such a large extent over the years. I don't want a row, I don't want them to now have a sudden change of heart and start taking an interest, I just feel for me to be able to move on and not be so hurt by it all, I need to tell her how I feel. There is a reason it would be to her not to my fil but I am unable to write this down.

What would you do? Sorry for the long message, I am shaking writing this as it still upsets me so much. Other family members only know my pil side and have chosen to listen to them rather than even find out from us what happened. My husband is 100% on the same wave length as me but has managed to detach himself from the emotional side of it and just get the rare meetings with them over and done with and move on.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

[Nonky]

Hello, I hope no one minds but I have asked mnhq to delete a couple of my messages that give out specific details as I am concerned I will be identified by family members who may see this. Many thanks

[zippey]

No one know what goes in other peoples minds. Maybe they thought she would be fine or didnt want to hassle you at a time of worry. They did eventually get in touch (after a day)

Maybe Im just making excuses for them, I dont know, you will know the situation better. I just wonder what they would say about the reasoning behind it, it would usually be a rational explanation.

About them favouring your BIL's children as well, you might think this, but just because you think this, doesnt mean its neccesarily true. Do you think they would agree that they favour BIL's children? I suspect they dont.

Maybe its to do with distance, does BIL stay closer to them than you? Sorry if you have already said.

[Conduseddil]

Spot on meerka! Are you living in my head! Thanks for the advice :-)

[Meerka]

Alright.

It seems to me you're still yearning for the close and pleasant relationship that perhaps you have with your own parents and assume and long that you should have with your IL's.

That longing might not go away but it's, sadly, unrealistic. While you clearly know this by your actions, in antoher way I think you're still clinging onto that hope (please correct me if I'm mistaken!)

The only solution that I think there is, is to grieve for what could have been and should have been. To really acknowledge that the situation is deeply lacking and even poisonous and that that is a really sad situation. It is deeply to be regretted that things aren't better and that sadness will have to be faced and given a place.

The biggest strength you have here is that you and your DH are on the same page here. (and he must be a very strong man to have grown up with his feet on the ground when surrounded by them). That is, more than anything else, incredibly important. Your biggest asset.

I too don't think that your PIL can do much if you cut him out - any court actoin will fail - and I do think that he is extremely nasty. The point may come that you -have- to cut him and MIL out as they are so poisonous and its hard to imagine it's not spilling over onto your children. If that happens, yes you will have drama but all the cards are on your side. it will be nasty to go through but you can weather it - as many, many other people have had to weather the storm. Record everything that they send because if he's as nasty as that, you may need evidence to get him barred from all contact. It's very unpleasant but you can and will come through the other side.

Until that point drudgejudy's advice seems best. But you DH will have to monitor how they are to your children very very carefully.

Regarding the funeral that may lie a long time in the future, it is not hypocrisy to go. It is a goodbye, and that's important. However, if it's too much as the time then you can also choose to allow your husband to go alone, or to go simply to support him (and focus on that - that that's why you're there, for your husband). But it's a long long way in the future maybe, and the decision can be made then not now.

[drudgetrudy]

I'd leave things as they are to reduce the drama and try to stop fretting about it. Dc won't come to any harm on very infrequent visits to mil which are supervised by their dad and they don't see fil anyway. If they receive a gift get them to send a very neutral thank-you card. Either writing to mil or announcing that you are going completely NC will cause a drama. Drama lovers hate "medium chill". Forget all about them as much as you can. If dc start expressing reluctance to visit I wouldn't try to force it, but equally wouldn't try to influence them. Use the day they visit to do something nice on your own

[Pimpf]

Sorry I've been out all day, not ignoring you conduseddil, feel free to ask me anything you like. It's taken me a long time to accept that I'm not going to have a father daughter relationship with the man, I have my step dad who is my daddy, the man I look up to. I know I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I'm not sure how ill feel when he dies, I will probably grieve over the relationship we never had, but I refuse to put my children through the heartache of thinking they're not good enough, the feeling of abandonment. Don't get me wrong, I still have problems with it and wonder why, but my children won't.

[YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE]

that sounds very upsetting for you. If that was my situation I would go non contact for a while. You need to focus on yourself and your daughters.
I have an aunty that has never bothered with me I have had to make the first move in years as my daughter asking about my family now.
but yes just focus on yourself and your girls, try some ways of distracting yourself when you find you are being wound up. We get too wound up and waste time worrying about family who can't be arsed

[FestiveEdition]

Don't write.
Do get some therapy.
That is not intended to be flippant. The emotions which are bubbling up for you are everything to do with what has happened in the past, but dealing with the people concerned is not likely to result in a change and is likely to just upset you more.
Decent therapy will help you to put those things into perspective in your own mind ....and most importantly, move on.

[ThanSheSaid]

What does your DH want to do? Why don't you stop agonising over this and just let him deal with things completely. It might make the situation less unpleasant for you if you can try to distance yourself even more from thinking about it.

[homeaway]

Somebody gave me some advice a while ago and it is very true. You can't change somebody's behaviour ,but you can change the way you react to their behaviour.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not right at all that they favour BILs children over yours.

I can only assume that this is also being done by your ILs as "punishment" against their son i.e your DH for further "disobeying" them. He has had a lifetime of them after all and knows all too well what they are like.

No, it is not your fault at all and it is also not your fault they are like this.
You did not make them this way; their own birth families did that damage to your ILs.

[Conduseddil]

I am we'll aware they don't like me which is fine. No one has to like anyone they don't want to. But to hugely favour and treat m bils children like part of the family but to ignore my children doesn't seem right. It's not as if they behave like this to all thief grand kids. Just the ones related to me which yea, may be my fault

[Conduseddil]

Thank you everyone. As I say zippey I am unable to go into too much detail as I want to remain anonymous but I can tell you I am in no way confrontational. In fact this has been going in for 4 years now and I have only ever confronted them on their behaviour once.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You seem to be still overtly reasonable with these people and they are using that reasonableness against you. These toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They have not apologised ever have they?.

The road to hell is always paved with good intentions and your children likely are confused so unfortunately it could be argued you are not minimising any distress for them. They see their grandparents actively disliking their parents but you still allow access to their grandmother. I still have to ask why; presumably you are still too afraid of any possible comeback or retaliation through court etc. You are also affected by fear, obligation and guilt to these people. Your FIL and MIL do not have to see you to control you. I reiterate; they do not have any rights in law to see their grandchildren.

Your ILs still have you in the palm of their hands really by allowing yourself to play into their hands. They still get what they want from you i,e you and your family to use their power and control methods on.

Your ILs cannot do anything in law. The perceived threat of any court action is perhaps clouding your own judgment to its overall detriment.

[HoHolepew]

Oh and don't confront them. That won't end well.

[HoHolepew]

Go no contact. FIL sound like a bully, shouting about turning up at the school etc. As others have said if he harasses you phone the police.

I hate MIL but she still sees the DDs every other saturday. I won't go to her funeral and don't care what people think. Her and FIL are divorced and he used to come up every sunday. He hasn't been up for months and has told DH that he isnt getting enough attention from"those ones" meaning the DDs. He can go and fuck himself as well.
If people make you unhappy or stresssed, remove yourself from them.
.

[zippey]

I would also say that I dont like your confrontational style OP. Unless they do something completely awful, I would just refrain from contact and just leave the ball in their court. I certainly wouldnt confront them about how often they see their grandkids.

I also dont think that waiting a day to ask about your hospitalised daughter was too off the scale. Maybe they had not grasped the seriousness of her condition?

[zippey]

You say they ignore your children but Im not sure what you want them to actually do. They (mil anyway) seem to want to see the grandkids from time to time, and buy them gifts at Christmas etc.

I think people vary in how much time they wish to spend time with their familes and I dont think there is a right or wrong in that instance. You will obviously want the world to revolve around your children, but the GP's will have different priorities. Surely its a perk of being a GP that you only see the kids and GC now and again?

Your OP also mentioned that they seem to love your BIL's kids more, but I wouldnt look on it as a competition. Its obvious that you dont like them, so maybe its you they dislike rather than your children.

You're FIL does sound pretty nasty though. How does he get on with your BIL's kids?

[Conduseddil]

On one hand I agree gluezilla. But on the other hand I was trying to minimise the distress for us and our children that having him do these things would cause. That is my dilemma. By keeping this very rare contact open, I am stopping this from happening.

[Gluezilla]

In this situation your FIL is still controlling you.

He turns up at your door - call the police.
He turns up at your DC school -call the police.
He threatens you - call the police.

[Conduseddil]

I know it all sounds fucked up but that us because it is. They didn't want anything to do with us - fine. But if we stop contact with them, they get offensive and don't like it and start accusing us of not letting them see the kids

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I have struggled with them seeing mil as although she has not done anything particularly bad (just ignored them etc) she has backed my fil and will always back his actions no matter what he does".

Of course she will back him, she is his willing enabler in all this dysfunction. Also "just ignoring your children" does make her look equally bad.

Do not struggle any more, just stop all contact with the ILs as of now. None of these people are doing any of your family unit any good, they are doing their own fair bit to damage it. If they send stuff give it to the charity shop without acknowledgement. They are patently not interested in your children and it is certainly not in your interests at all to pursue this relationship any further.

[Gluezilla]

Was that to me Cognito

I think we are saying the same thing - I don't think the OP should go back and "poke the sleeping dog" either.