help! need a reality check on whether I am "useless, insensitive, selfish and inconsiderate"

[typographicerrors]

please bear with me but I need a reality check and a bit of offloading.

the context - me, separated, two children, him, no children, mid 40's, serial long term relationships. We've been together (on and off) for just under a year.

we have had a pretty volatile relationship from the start - massive highs, massive lows, periods apart, periods together. We were friends before we started seeing each other but I was coming out of a relationship with my children's dad so it has been pretty stressful. he would say i don't communicate and find it hard to express emotion, i would say he is intense and prone to moodiness and anger - always entirely directed at me. when we get on its fantastic, when we don't its horrible.

his grandfather died today which he was pretty upset about so we were heading home to cook and spend an evening in (my DC are at their dads). waiting for the train to leave he kept asking me to 'stop it' and i genuinely didn't know what he was asking me to stop - stroking his leg, looking at him, thinking about something else rather than talking to him, but when I asked him what he wanted me to stop then he refused to tell me, saying it didn't matter. I asked him again and he told me that i was making a big deal out of nothing. so i left it.

he then asked me whether I liked the trousers the girls opposite were wearing, so I looked, trying to decide whether I did. He then said 'are you not talking to me now?' because i hadn't immediately responded (sorry if I am doing this verbatim but i really need to know whether I have done something wrong). I explained that i was looking at told him what I thought. (FYI - leather/pleather leggings - not the most flattering)

When we got off the train then I said to him that it was troubling me that I didn't know what I had done for him to ask me to stop, and I didn't understand why he couldn't tell me. At which point he started to tell me what I stupid insensitive person I was because he was only being playful and how could I not get that. And that I had made an issue out of nothing and ruined his evening and turned the whole evening into me and my feelings when all he wanted was some support because his grandad had died. We screamed and shouted at each other. He left. I walked home, left a message on his phone saying that i was sorry i had missed his joke and that i wanted to be there to support him on a sad evening and that he should come back so that we could be nice to each other. His response by text was 'i'm useless and insensitive…I had picked an unnecessary fight, I had let him down at his lowest point, I was a selfish woman, my lack of consideration has sunk him. I'll post your flat keys back in the morning'

reading that back it sounds like the angsty words of a nervous teenager, not a 40-something mother of 2 who runs her own business.

So, what I can't work out is
a) is it me? Am I all of the above? and if so what can I do about it?
b) how have I been reduced to a nervous, humourless, over analytical worrier
c) what do I do to pull myself out of it - because this has happened over and over and over again and I keep going back to him…

sorry to rant. I don't know who to talk to about it…..

[typographicerrors]

thanks lookatmybutt - right now I do feel that I am better off without him, as he has behaved so horribly that it feels like a release - its over time that I find it harder to keep away - clearly I am far too forgiving. But keeping calm and professional, depersonalising everything, and building some strong supportive friendships is definitely the way to go….

when i reflect back on what I have put up with over the last few months I can't believe that i have been so compliant - he's constantly belittled my work (to the point where I have really questioned whether I should still be doing it), taken issue with my family and told me repeatedly that they don't care about me, moans about my 'messy, cold, unwelcoming flat….you name it, he's found fault with it - and me. If I disagree or have a different opinion then I'm arguing, or picking a fight. I don't show him enough respect, demonstrate kindness….the list goes on.

but of course, the flip side is that he is smart, articulate, full of ideas and opinions, sociable, charming, popular and well-liked - all of which I adore. Thats the pull….thats the bit that I need to somehow forget about. And when he wants to then he builds my confidence up and says the most amazing things about me - and i have bared my soul in a way that I have with very few people. He builds me up, and then knocks me down…

[Bogeyface]

the flip side is that he is smart, articulate, full of ideas and opinions, sociable, charming, popular and well-liked

Would he be so popular and well liked if he treated everyone the way he treats you? Having ideas and opinions is fine, bullying someone into never disagreeing with said ideas and opinions is not. Is he smart and articulate or is he bossy and arrogant?

I wonder how attractive he would be to everyone if he treated everyone the way he treats you. I rather suspect that friends, kindness and respect would be very think on the ground if other people saw that side of him.

[EQ2Junkie]

You extracted yourself from a marriage and fell straight into the arms of a vile shit.

Its him not you. But...

He will carry on treating you like this as long as you let him.

Get your keys back or better still change the locks and forget them. Change your number/block him and work on yourself and why you think this sort of relationship is worth a year or more of your life.

[Paintyourbox]

Well OP let's look at it like this, if he is so smart, articulate, charming and all round lovely, why is it that he's in his 40's and has had a string of relationships none of which have really resulted in serious commitment like marriage or kids?

I'm pretty sure if he was that great he'd have been snapped up long before now!

You said you were friends before you got together- what was the friendship like? Was he clever, charming and generally lovely to reel you in before showing his true colours when the friendship turned into a relationship?

I don't actually know how you have the energy for this- a single mum and working 60 hour weeks. You must be knackered with all his drama on top of things! He's a poisonous little man and things will generally get worse the longer you attach yourself to him and he erodes your confidence and self respect!

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's like having a relationship with an actor, isn't it. On screen all gorgeous, capable, attractive etc etc. Lots of women swooning. Plays a great seduction. But off the screen, often not so great at all. The one thing the actor does supremely is putting on a front; it doesn't say anything about their private lives. Obviously some are really great human beings as well as great actors, but it doesn't go without saying. This guy may be in a different line of work but he's still got the image/reality dichotomy going on.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

Awkward that he works with you - which maybe accounts for why he feels the need to cut you down to size - if he pulls any stunts at work go through official channels don't cover for him or let him demoralise you.