help! need a reality check on whether I am "useless, insensitive, selfish and inconsiderate"

[typographicerrors]

please bear with me but I need a reality check and a bit of offloading.

the context - me, separated, two children, him, no children, mid 40's, serial long term relationships. We've been together (on and off) for just under a year.

we have had a pretty volatile relationship from the start - massive highs, massive lows, periods apart, periods together. We were friends before we started seeing each other but I was coming out of a relationship with my children's dad so it has been pretty stressful. he would say i don't communicate and find it hard to express emotion, i would say he is intense and prone to moodiness and anger - always entirely directed at me. when we get on its fantastic, when we don't its horrible.

his grandfather died today which he was pretty upset about so we were heading home to cook and spend an evening in (my DC are at their dads). waiting for the train to leave he kept asking me to 'stop it' and i genuinely didn't know what he was asking me to stop - stroking his leg, looking at him, thinking about something else rather than talking to him, but when I asked him what he wanted me to stop then he refused to tell me, saying it didn't matter. I asked him again and he told me that i was making a big deal out of nothing. so i left it.

he then asked me whether I liked the trousers the girls opposite were wearing, so I looked, trying to decide whether I did. He then said 'are you not talking to me now?' because i hadn't immediately responded (sorry if I am doing this verbatim but i really need to know whether I have done something wrong). I explained that i was looking at told him what I thought. (FYI - leather/pleather leggings - not the most flattering)

When we got off the train then I said to him that it was troubling me that I didn't know what I had done for him to ask me to stop, and I didn't understand why he couldn't tell me. At which point he started to tell me what I stupid insensitive person I was because he was only being playful and how could I not get that. And that I had made an issue out of nothing and ruined his evening and turned the whole evening into me and my feelings when all he wanted was some support because his grandad had died. We screamed and shouted at each other. He left. I walked home, left a message on his phone saying that i was sorry i had missed his joke and that i wanted to be there to support him on a sad evening and that he should come back so that we could be nice to each other. His response by text was 'i'm useless and insensitive…I had picked an unnecessary fight, I had let him down at his lowest point, I was a selfish woman, my lack of consideration has sunk him. I'll post your flat keys back in the morning'

reading that back it sounds like the angsty words of a nervous teenager, not a 40-something mother of 2 who runs her own business.

So, what I can't work out is
a) is it me? Am I all of the above? and if so what can I do about it?
b) how have I been reduced to a nervous, humourless, over analytical worrier
c) what do I do to pull myself out of it - because this has happened over and over and over again and I keep going back to him…

sorry to rant. I don't know who to talk to about it…..

[piratecat]

total agree with mooncup. the relief of the good bits.

your judgement is way off. what's the point of having a miserable drama life with someone when you can have a nicer kinder life without someone.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Typo it's very easy to say block/delete/erase this man from your life (and I do agree with that) but the reality is there are emotions involved. I'm sure he is making you feel good at times but are the bad times outweighing them?

What do you think your worth is? Deep down you know...and it's better than this..

[Bogeyface]

working 60 hour weeks, trying to bring up two children and wearing myself out with this relationship has not given me much time with my girlfriends over the last year

Read this back. He is in your list of negatives! He takes but doesnt give back, and thats ignoring the gas lighting and the EA and VA.

Take the keys back and consider this a bullet well dodged.

[sparklysilversequins]

He is using today as an excuse to have a go at you just because he wants to.

Volatile = dysfunctional.

Dump him, do not apologise again, you've done nothing wrong. He sounds like a twat.

[notnagging]

He sounds like a nutjob op. A year is too long to have wasted already op

[gigglekicks]

This sounds so like me and my newly XP. Except it has taken me four years to stick to my guns. The highs and lows continued but the highs give you hope. It's a cliche, but it is the hope that kills. It makes you want to give it one last try over and over again.

Accept your keys without drama. Block on FB etc. Don't respond to the inevitable texts. Sometimes my XP would wait a month and then the whole cycle started again. Do it now before any more children or your finances get mixed up. It will be easier now than it will ever be. You will slowly, and consciously get used to him not being around.

[GoodnessKnows]

Pleeeeease stop seeing him. He is nuts. He is and will continue to make you doubt your sanity, feel guilty and question yourself - for doing NOTHING. Plastic trouser comment was actually disturbing. Bet he'll try to make u feel inadequate and wear stuff that you don't like soon enough.

[Poppy67]

Take the keys and walk away. Start the new year off fresh and looking ahead. You are in a rut and it might get worse before it gets better but what are you getting out of this relationship. Your partner should make you feel secure, happy and loved ...... Walk away.

[tiredoldmum]

I agree with the others. It isn't working out and you know that. A year is nothing. You have gotten over other past loves. You will get over this guy.

It sounds like you just don't want to be alone so this turd is better than nothing.

Ring up your girlfriends. Join a class or volunteer. You'll be having fun and meeting new people in no time at all.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Life is too short to waste a second of it with anyone that doesn't bring you pleasure. He's not even a friend, let alone a lover. He sounds like a miserable piece of work, picking fights and making you doubt yourself so much you have to write down a conversation verbatim for others to assess. Do look up 'Gaslighting'... horrible way to treat someone you're supposed to like.

If you dislike being without a partner and are only sticking around because think this man is the best you can do and don't want to be lonely, please make big efforts to expand your social circle. This man is not worth it.

[typographicerrors]

thank you for all your messages - i will keep reading and rereading when i need the support to get through this.

[zippey]

Well, Id maybe cut him some slack because his grandfather had just died. However, it does seem to be a regular occurance, in which case it sounds like too much hard work.

He says he is going to end the relationship, but I suspect he just wants to upset you enough to ask and plead for him to come back.

If you are fine with playing games like this in a relationship then cool. But Id rather not have that kind of headache and stress with someone who is emotionally imbalanced.

Is he a positive influence for your children?

[typographicerrors]

zippey (and everyone else that has mentioned my children) he does not really play a role in their life at the moment - I see him when they are at their dads. They have met him, and know him, and think he is fantastic - but until I felt that we were on an even keel then I have kept their time with him to a minimum.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Massive highs and deep lows in just a year is no basis for any sort of relationship. This is completely dysfunctional and a car crash of a relationship.

Why are you together at all, both of you are completely unsuited to each other and all your children are learning from you about relationships.

What did you learn exactly about relationships when growing up. It may well be that you are simply repeating what you saw in childhood.

[ImperialBlether]

He's horrible! One argument like that and I'd be mentally planning my escape. You want someone who makes life better, not more stressful.

[Olddear]

After reading your post, I've had to lie down in a dark room with a cold flannel on my head! He is such hard work! Not to mention scary! Take your keys back with joy in your heart! No-one, no-one needs someone like this in their life! You have enough on your plate, 60 hour week, single parent! Who the hell needs a 40yr old truculent, bad tempered, man child in the mix! Lucky escape if you ask me!

[MadBusLady]

However hard it is to pick up the phone to someone to ask for help, or cultivate some friendships, I think you'll find it's a picnic compared to dealing with this nightmare. I think you've probably forgotten how easy and nice it is to socialise and build relationships with normal people - even in an early, tentative, groundwork-laying sense.

You keep drifting back towards him because he's familiar and you've got few comparisons for that, so the familiarity feels like a source of strength. It is obvious to anyone reading your post that this man isn't and never could be a source of strength.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Bloody hell - if its been that volatile and on-off in a year, which is usually the honeymoon period, you have bugger all chance of it getting any better.

Cut your losses and move on. Don't waste another moment of your time on him, unless you enjoy manufactured drama and other such bollocks.

[FluffyJumper]

Nothing wrong with volatile relationships, so long as you don't try to turn them into life partners.

[Jan45]

That's one toxic relationship and pretty abusive too - a year and it's been off and on, does that not tell you something? It won't get better I'm afraid, if it's like this after a year. Time to cut your losses and move on and try to find someone who doesn't verbally abuse you.

[Lweji]

Volatile relationships are only good for literature, poetry, cinema, theatre, music and the opera. Not for the people involved, unless they make fortunes out of it, and even so.

[typographicerrors]

thank you - need this plain talking and strength to help me through. whole thing made more complicated by the fact that i work with him. stupidly put him forward for a big project before this all blew up which i now have to manage. stupid. and awkward.

[lookatmybutt]

Do it, do it, LTB. You can do it, even with the work stuff. Just be civilised to him at work; don't seek him out, talk to him only about work when and if you need to.

You've wasted enough time on this idiot and I can guarantee you'll feel better without him - even if it doesn't seem so right now. It's sort of like being alone in a crowd when you're with someone like this. You will feel far happier in the long run, or even in the short run, without him. Less lonely, less cut off. You'll have more time and energy to reconnect with old friends. You may be 'alone' for a bit, but I'm sure quite soon you will feel less lonely, if that makes sense.

I've been in relationships like this (including a work one). You can and will feel better without him.

[lookatmybutt]

Oh, and don't listen to his gaslighting bullshit. One guy I was with for ages told me I was fat and unnattractive when I put on 4 pounds (I was size 10) and that I was antisocial, insensitive and unpleasant to be around (I had lots of friends who thought otherwise). Honestly, he made me sound worse that the drug dealing, violent criminals he called friends (they all ended up in prison, dead, or going straight).

Some guys will just pull this shit out of their arse to bring you down. There is no truth in it; it's just a form of control.

[Lweji]

If he's working with you and is being such a twat, one more reason to dump.
Can you imagine 24/7 of this?

You will probably need authority at work that otherwise he won't recognise.

I there's awkwardness he can always leave the project.