What would you do?

[CoffeeQueen187]

I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it here, apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I have this male friend who I've known for years. He came round to mine a few weeks back for a catch up as I'd not spoken to him for a while. I've seen him around but haven't recently had time to stop and chat. Anyway, one thing led to another, he stayed the night and, well, you catch my drift...

4 weeks on and I discover I'm pregnant to him I already know how monumentally stupid I've been :(. I've decided not to keep the baby as I'm not in a relationship with this guy and I don't plan to be either. I also have 3 children of my own and I'm a single parent, plus a load of other stuff I have going on at the moment. I know this is the right decision for me and my children and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, my problem is, do I tell him I'm pregnant etc? He's a really good friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Plus, his son goes to the same school as my DCs so I see him pretty much on a daily basis. Part of me thinks it's be better to keep it to myself, but another part of me tells me I'm being cruel by not involving him what do I do?

[CoffeeQueen187]

I don't think the term "killing the baby" was very helpful. Thanks for that!

Luckily I'm not the type of person that takes everything to heart.

Plus, I'm only 5 weeks gone, so it's not even a baby yet, as mentioned before.

[BeCool]

The OP's situation isn't going to be helped by placing the additional burden on her to teach some guy lessons in contraception, that frankly he already knows.

As for all this "it's his baby too", as others have pointed out there is no baby and there will be no baby. There is an unwanted pregnancy/foetus. It's not the blokes unwanted pregnancy - it is the OP's!


CoffeeQueen I wouldn't tell him.

You have enough on your plate as it is without getting additional grief from him, or him potentially trying to persuade to have a baby with him.
You have made your decision.
You have support in place from you sister.
Telling him would probably make a bad situation worse from your POV, and as this is happening to you and your body only, it is entirely your business.

If you are adamant that you want to go through with the termination but you really feel he should know, then you can choose to tell him afterwards. It won't make any difference to him, but it will make a big difference to you to not have additional stress upon you now.


{{{hugs}}}

[Kaluki]

I think you have an agenda of your own JYFP.
The OP asked for opinions as she is in two minds about whether to tell him. Therefore surely all opinions are welcome.
You are the one doing the goading. You don't have the right to tell other posters to clear off because they don't agree with you on a post where all opinions are invited.
Anyway I'm not getting into a row with you on such a sensitive thread. It won't help the OP.
OP - maybe you need to rethink this friendship. He clearly is not a really good friend if after having put you in this situation he is not prepared to accept your decision. Whether you decide to tell him or not it will change your friendship which will be difficult as you see him so regularly.
Good luck.

[PaulMcGannsMistress]

I'm largely pro-life, and my honest opinion is that you are well within your rights to keep it to yourself, having already made the decision. Telling him would just add another layer of difficulty to an already difficult thing. He doesn't have a right to know about a medical procedure that won't affect him.

[sharesinNivea]

playfellows No, I'm not. I just have a different opinion.

[sharesinNivea]

coffeequeen I apologise for the term 'killing the baby', it's my own term and as you've already decided on a termination the imagery was insensitive.

[BeCool]

the thing I hate most about MN is when posters get all self-precious and start bitching to & about each other and getting all defensive on sensitive threads like this.

FFS - STFU!

[maras2]

Sharesinnivea.I have reported your post of 11 08 57.

[sharesinNivea]

maras2 Have you? Why's that?

[maras2]

Not sure if the phrase ' kill the baby ' contravenes any rules but I find it unnecessarily emotive and provocative.

[maras2]

Seem to have x posted following your retraction.

[sharesinNivea]

Oh right. I've never been reported before in 5 years, first time for everything
I've already apologised to the OP several posts before you, maras2, about using my own personal term for termination, if that's any help. It's not a provocative statement by any means.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

To be clear... wasn't asking if they were still going to be friends in order to suggest telling him as punishment. The two are separate matters. 1. He wouldn't be supportive so no point saying anything 2. The friendship may be in question anyway because this has thrown up that he's not as good a friend as the OP may have thought.

[basgetti]

I wouldn't tell him. It is your decision and your business, and you believe that he will try to talk you out of it. You need someone who will support you unconditionally, without any other agenda so it is good that you have your sister there for you.

[TalkativeJim]

As you know, OP, you should not tell him.

As for all the rest - biology is unfair. That's the bottom line.

Just as the OP does not have the luxury of deciding to have the baby and then changing her mind and walking off without a backward glance at, ooh, say 39 weeks pregnant, he does not have the luxury of any right to involvement with her decision on whether or not to continue a pregnancy.

Men get to walk away if they feel like it.
Women get to make the decisions because they don't get to walk away later on.

There is nothing more to it, and the deal handed out to both sexes works both for them and against them in different ways.

Best of luck OP x

[ExcuseTypos]

You need to look after yourself and do what you want, with as much support as possible. As you think he will try to persuade you to keep it, then you shouldn't tell him. The consequences of telling him will go on for months.

H's he by any chance asked you if your pregnant after having unprotected sex. I expect not.

[AndYouCanDance]

I think you should tell him actually.
It just seems like the fair thing to do.

[wontletmesignin]

He lost any kind of fairness when he didnt offer to use protection!
I know the OP is also at fault there, but she is paying the price.

Concentrate on you and yours. He has no reason to know. His knowing will not benefit anyone.

Good luck op and stay strong xx

[CoffeeQueen187]

Excusetypos- no, he hasn't asked

[neiljames77]

You both made a mistake. It happens. No point whatsoever in telling him.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

How is telling him about a termination "fairer" than not telling him?

[cestlavielife]

at this stage it is so early only you and your sister need to know. medical termination now is even before you know if pregnancy is viable or not .

however - you should mention if there is a next time that you both need to use protection.

[sherbetpips]

Didn't you describe him as your friend, a friend that you see regularly? Of course you have to tell him, like he isn't going to notice and then think of all the hassle and pain when it turns out you lied.

It is categorically NOT just your baby. It takes two, it's not like the guy is some evil sod. This is a difficult situation but this will not remain hidden so better to deal with it head on.

You do not want to terminate so that does not form part of the argument. He cant force you and you know that.

[AndYouCanDance]

I just think he ought to know Ghostly.

Presumably the OP liked/trusted him enough to go out with him and sleep with him. I think she should tell him this information.

[CoffeeQueen187]

Oh don't worry, my first port of call when this is all over will be the family planning clinic or my GP for contraception. This won't be happening again. I still can't believe I was stupid enough to get myself in this situation in the first place. I'm normally quite careful.