I'm the "other woman"

[Womaninthecity]

I really need some advice please.

Two years ago a much older colleague of mine made a move at a work event. I was taken back and just warned him the matter could go to HR if he didn't stop.

Back in the office, things returned to normal. He's my senior and runs the team, so a lot of work I do is for him. We had always been good friends and he regularly asked for my opinion on work or client matters. We'd even lend book to one another and talk about politics whilst making tea - just friendly colleague talk.

One thing lead to another and somehow the conversation in the office spilled to texts after work. I asked him many times not to text me outside working hours. He continued to do so. We then met outside work to discuss things and I, again, warned him off.

He then went on a family holiday and would regularly text me about his feelings for me and how he didn't want to let this go.

On his return, I regularly reminded him that nothing had happened and nothing would. I didn't escalate the situation to anyone more senior because I figured that he was just going to a mid life crisis and it would pass.

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

I figured that I could no longer work for this man. He made me completely miserable. I didn't want an affair and I definitely didn't want to ruin his marriage.

I spent months avoiding him then found another job. I left all my friends in the office and moved jobs.

Before I left another senior person in the company found out. He wanted to take him to HR and take him through disciplinary - but I begged him not to. As much as this man made my working life a nightmare, I had feelings for him and didn't want to destroy his career.

I am not three months into my new job and I'm completely miserable. I miss my old workplace and more importantly, absence has just made the heart grow founder. I have seen him a handful of times since I left and he keeps telling me how much he loves me - and I feel the same now :(

I have asked him not to get in touch and just to leave me alone but he won't take the hint.

I want to put an end to the madness and just give us a chance to move on.

So, if he contacts me again, I am thinking about contacting his wife. It won't be a nasty "your husband won't leave me alone" message - but rather if I were marred, I would want to know.

Does anyone agree? Should I just ignore and hope somehow it'll just blow over?

[specialsubject]

don't contact his wife. She probably already knows what he is like anyway. You can't help her.

change your mobile number. Hide yourself online as much as you can.

before that, send one more message that you don't want to hear from him EVER AGAIN and if you do, you will involve the police for stalking.

you need to mean it.

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

I can see the avoidance of responsibility, Loopy. I also see where she says she's Definitely not innocent.

I think it is very possible that, for some reason, OP expects other people to make the decisions in her life. Or she could be very concerned by appearing reasonable: "he asked me to dinner; this feels wrong to me, but he says it's just work and nothing more, so I'll look a fool if I make a fuss about it." It takes strength to stick to your guns when you're being told your perception is wrong. Not everyone has that strength.

I'm not saying these examples are definitely what's happening here. They may be, they may not. Similarly with your suggestion that she said no, but really wanted to say yes - that might be true, it might not.

[Loopyloulu]

Charlotte have a read.....

On his return, I regularly reminded him that nothing had happened and nothing would. I didn't escalate the situation to anyone more senior because I figured that he was just going to a mid life crisis and it would pass.

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

You suggest her perception might have been wrong. I don't think anyone who has posted here would agree with you on that. It beggars belief that someone would spend 2 years dating a married man and think 'oh it's all just about work- it's fine.'


Don't you think the OP was naive at best and kidding herself ( and us) at worst?

Anyone who goes on regular coffee dates then dinners with a married man, gives him a listening ear when he talks about his wife not understanding him and then 'somehow' becomes intimate is either as green as grass - or trying to deny her part in what was, at first, an EA and then a physical affair. She even tries to play it down by saying they didn't have sex- but they were 'intimate'.

[bestsonever]

The OP has to accept that she has given him mixed messages herself and has her own part in the escalation and the situation that she now finds herself in. She initially threatens with HR but then has met for coffee and had dinners?
OP, it may make you feel better by having said the right words, but then your actions after say different to him and have continued to feed his hope. Men and women can be friends it's true, but not if one or both want more, because that is just kidding yourself and perpetuating the hope for more - which will happen.
Are you aware how you describe at every progressive stage "I said ..." but it's what you then did that said otherwise.
Have you dated or even thought about others in the 2 years or have you also put this part of your life on hold for him? That says a lot. Now you may be realising after the negative job change that the whole thing has not been worth it and need never have happened - a pointless waste of 2 years, move on.

[Womaninthecity]

Ok it seems that some are eager for me to respond.

I'm not trying to play the innocent party, as many have rightly said, nothing would have happened if I didn't respond to him. I was definitely wrong to do that and to let it get to any intimate stage (as one poster out it, whether it was hands in my knickers or intercourse).

All I wanted was advice as to whether I should bring it up with his wife, but everyone has told me not to. I have tried to do my contact in the past and he's just sent me gifts to my flat and left notes on my car windscreen. But, with that said, I will continue to go no contact and refer the matter to the police if necessary. I won't give him mixed signals an just go no contact.

As for my new job. It's more money and a better opportunity, but I do miss my old workplace, but as it was rightly put, it's a chance to start afresh.

I am really sorry if I've upset anyone. I'm not a mother and I don't have a family, but came here for advice as I wanted the perspective of wives and mothers.

I know I'm not the victim here.

I do read all the responses, so thanks again for everyone responding. The messages are very supportive and they do help knock some sense in me.

[Womaninthecity]

*to go no contact in the past

[Womaninthecity]

I have tried to date in the past two years. It's been hard, not met the right guy. I'm quite cautious now and find it hard to trust many men.

[Womaninthecity]

As an update for those interested, he sent me a message last night to say that he's really missing me and can't stop thinking about me. I haven't and won't respond.

[payhisdebt]

well done , you are doing the right thing

[Kewcumber]

if you have a smart phone you can download a call/text blocker. Its a great deal easier to ignore if you don;t even hear it beep.

he's just sent me gifts to my flat and left notes on my car windscreen

Sorry but that really does sound a bit creepy.

[Loopyloulu]

Does he live near you or has he gone out of his way to leave those notes?

I'd keep them- and have them as evidence if you ever need to involve the police.

You could also photograph them or the gifts just in case.

If he keeps pestering you ( other than by phone when you should block him) then maybe send him ONE email, or a letter by recorded post to his place of work, saying you will contact the police if he continues to harass you.

You need to make it clear that THIS time you mean it- because your history is that you can be won over by him if he just persists long enough.

You will have to stick to your guns because it's going to take some time to get it into his thick head that you are now serious about ending it. And I hope you are because your previous post(s) said you loved him

[Fairenuff]

What did you do when he sent gifts and messages? Did you continue to ignore him, or did you ring/text to say thankyou/don't leave them? It's how you respond that matters, not what he does.

Any gifts, just leave them where they are. Messages on car, leave on the pavement as you drive away. Deliveries to your house, leave them out on the doorstep.

If he tries to escalate it, call the police. That's it. You never, ever need to speak to or text him again.

[Loopyloulu]

No- she ought to keep them as evidence in case it escalates.

[Womaninthecity]

I have accepted them gracefully. Once, early on in the relationship, I got very mad and left the gift on his desk. I then sent him a v v long email explaining that I wanted nothing to do with him.

He then approached me in the kitchen at work and asked if we could talk. We went to a meeting room and he gave me this whole lecture that He didn't appreciate my email and my attitude was making it difficult for us to work together. I have him no reaction then asked if I could leave. He called me a fucking psycho and stormed out.

Later that night he sent me a v long email to my personal address apologising and saying that he had feelings but understands that I don't, so lets just be friends.

I responded and said ok.

A few weeks later, I was taken on a project in York (I'm based in London) and he would regularly ask colleagues to ask me to call him. When I would, he wouldn't say much but balently just wanted to talk to me.

When I returned back to London, he requested that I work on a project for him (he's a director so I had to).

One evening I felt he was acting out of hand, he'd watch me as I went to visit the ladies or want to the toilet, so I was v rude to him in front of colleagues. He then approached my line manager a few weeks after and gave me bad feedback.

I told my line manager what had happened (they have worked together for 7 years previously) and he just said that I should report it to HR but he wasn't too comfortable tiger involved. I didn't. I left it and later just felt bad because this man was over worked and blatantly lonely. It's no excuse, I know and if I could turn back time, I would.

I do have feelings for him. I know it sounds crazy. But I know this man is completely miserable, and I can't help but feel sorry for him.

He has no reason to be. He has three wonderful kids, he has a great job. A paid off mortgage. A dedicated wife. nice house. But he feels like he doesn't want any of it (so he tells me, not too sure I believe him).

So, I guess a reason for telling his wife is to make him realise how good he has it. We all don't realise how great we have it until we're close to losing it, right?

[Vivacia]

FFS

[Loopyloulu]

What? Do you mean you are now going to tell his wife after all?

I'm completely puzzled now.

I think the most recent post about the gifts referred to the gifts he has JUST given you- or that's how you made it sound.

Are we talking about the same thing- are these recent gifts ( today for example) or from ages back?

If you wanted nothing to do with him then other than as a colleague, you ought to have returned the gifts and said they were inappropriate.

His behaviour towards you at work was bullying. The more I read about him, the worse he sounds.

I'm sorry but you have very poor boundaries.

This man is a liar, a cheat, deceives his wife, bullies you and yet you have feelings for him?

Why is wrecking his marriage, his wife's life and their 3 kids going to help you?

[Loopyloulu]

Stop messing us about here. Either you are completely mixed up in your own head, in some silly fantasy schoolgirl world, or you are not actually listening to anything that anyone here has posted.

You either want to tell his wife as revenge- when in fact you allowed this affair to carry on. OR you hope that by telling her he will leave or she will kick him out and he will choose you.

which is it?

[Womaninthecity]

Yes, in hindsight I can see that agreeing to have a coffee with him and dinner after work was leading him on :(

[Loopyloulu]

How old are you and how old is he?

What are you thinking now- are you still thinking about telling his wife and if so, why?

[Womaninthecity]

No. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I am not telling his wife anymore. I was just trying to explain my rationale behind it initially.

Gifts are old, not recent.

Not telling his wife and ignoring. My last post was just to respond to some questions someone else asked.

[Womaninthecity]

I'm 27 and he's 49.

[Loopyloulu]

Oh I see :)

Thought the gifts and notes had arrived since you started the posting.

[NearTheWindmill]

Well, when you're 47 and still gawjus, he'll be nearly 70 with aches and pains and probably very dodgy teeth. I think you need to fast forward a bit tbh .

I think it's always worth remembering that a lot of men aren't very bright on the emotional intellect front and tend to wear their brains in the pants too often. At the point they revert to adolescence women, who emotionally tend to be far more intelligent, need to learn to say NO. Not just for other women but also for themselves because in nine out of ten cases men veer back towards the benefit of their pockets and when they start thinking maintenance the wife generally wins.

Logic and pragmatism really and I'm sure that you'd be happier in the long run with someone close to your own age. I love feeling as old as the man I feel - even though he's only two years younger. remembers 40 year old divorcee when I was 23 and shudders to think that I could now be with a man of 70 - eew He was very very glam at the time, rich sophisticated, charming - I bumped into him about 9 years ago and just felt "oh wow, lucky escape - it was all in the teeth.

[musicismylife]

You haven't tried that hard to fight him off, have you?

You found him
You flirted with him
You frollicked with him
And now you fancy him

Actions speak so much louder than words, op (especially to people who don't take 'hints'

How about ignoring him. Forever?