I'm the "other woman"

[Womaninthecity]

I really need some advice please.

Two years ago a much older colleague of mine made a move at a work event. I was taken back and just warned him the matter could go to HR if he didn't stop.

Back in the office, things returned to normal. He's my senior and runs the team, so a lot of work I do is for him. We had always been good friends and he regularly asked for my opinion on work or client matters. We'd even lend book to one another and talk about politics whilst making tea - just friendly colleague talk.

One thing lead to another and somehow the conversation in the office spilled to texts after work. I asked him many times not to text me outside working hours. He continued to do so. We then met outside work to discuss things and I, again, warned him off.

He then went on a family holiday and would regularly text me about his feelings for me and how he didn't want to let this go.

On his return, I regularly reminded him that nothing had happened and nothing would. I didn't escalate the situation to anyone more senior because I figured that he was just going to a mid life crisis and it would pass.

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

I figured that I could no longer work for this man. He made me completely miserable. I didn't want an affair and I definitely didn't want to ruin his marriage.

I spent months avoiding him then found another job. I left all my friends in the office and moved jobs.

Before I left another senior person in the company found out. He wanted to take him to HR and take him through disciplinary - but I begged him not to. As much as this man made my working life a nightmare, I had feelings for him and didn't want to destroy his career.

I am not three months into my new job and I'm completely miserable. I miss my old workplace and more importantly, absence has just made the heart grow founder. I have seen him a handful of times since I left and he keeps telling me how much he loves me - and I feel the same now :(

I have asked him not to get in touch and just to leave me alone but he won't take the hint.

I want to put an end to the madness and just give us a chance to move on.

So, if he contacts me again, I am thinking about contacting his wife. It won't be a nasty "your husband won't leave me alone" message - but rather if I were marred, I would want to know.

Does anyone agree? Should I just ignore and hope somehow it'll just blow over?

[Loopyloulu]

I agree.

If you don't want someone to contact you OP you don't contact them and ask them not to contact you!
You ignore them.

Your post is full of 'drama queen' phrases like 'end the madness', but equally, you say you love him.

You keep saying he won't 'take the hint'. Look- if you want to end something then you don't give 'hints'. You say the right words, forcefully, as if you mean it, then cease all contact.

The thing is you don't mean it. You have created this affair by encouraging him - despite your feeble protestations that you tried to send him on his way.

Time to be honest I think- with yourself and everyone, but leave the poor wife alone.

[tummybummer]

Sorry but it sounds like you are trying to blame him for something that you are 50% involved in. You told him not to text, yet you texted back. You told him that nothing could happen etc yet you made appointments to see him outside work time. Your actions speak way way louder than your words, and you willingly and voluntarily went into this - you were not some poor little groomed person protesting.

He does not love you. If he loved you, he would leave his wife.

Move on.

[Mattissy]

So to get rid of him you break his marriage up so he's a free man. Stop kidding yourself and grow up.

Trying to cool things off doesn't involve pleasant chats, text msgs, listening to his problems in lunch dates. He's manipulating you and your manipulating the situation to your advantage.

You probably deserve each other, it's his innocent wife who'll be hurt the most due to your selfish acts.

[Mattissy]

I've rebuffed hundreds of unwanted advances I my time, if they don't understand the nice way then I tell them I'm no uncertain terms to fuck off. The message is never misunderstood!

[toffeesponge]

I think it is time you took responsibility for your own actions. You must have known how things would go when you kept meeting up for your inevitable coffees, drinks, meals, etc etc.

And not all men are scum, just as some women are.

[NearTheWindmill]

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

So this has had nothing whatsoever to do with you at all and now you want to talk to his wife about it . It takes two to tango. Did you ever think of saying "please don't keep contacting me because I'm not interested and refuse to engage".

I'm really sorry you want your old job back but perhaps his wife wants her old husband back.

All sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me and I think you should both give it a break and grow up and you in particular need to get yourself a couple of new phone numbers and only give them to people you want to have them. If you wanted no more to do with him you could in fact have done that several months ago.

He'a married OP - he isn't available and perhaps you could develop a little respect for his wife and withdraw totally. If he's really unhappy he'll find someone else to take for a ride but why be the OW when actually your time would be better spent getting a man of your own who isn't committed to someone else.

[Hatpin]

Former OW here. Right, OP, first thing to understand (as already pointed out) is that you are in denial of your actions in this affair being conscious or deliberate, when if course they are because actions are never unintentional or unconscious.

The second thing is you are in denial about wanting to end the affair because (again as pointed out) you haven't just blocked / deleted / ignored him, nor told him straight.

You want this affair to continue, and I think you probably want a particular ending to the story to play out, which you are looking to "engineer" by passive aggressive means.

You say you don't want his marriage to be ruined but that is not true. You do want it to end although your real motivation for that is unclear - at this stage I'd say you feel vengeful so perhaps you just want to see him suffer, or maybe you still want him to validate you by leaving and saying he wants to be with you.

You also want others to validate your actions by claiming victim status and that you couldn't help yourself. Passive aggression again, you could help yourself, you just didn't want to.

I imagine that you must feel angry with him about giving up a job / workplace you liked. Sadly that's the kind of consequence that occurs in workplace affairs. He doesn't appear to have suffered any consequences though, does he?

Well there is only one consequence that you can honestly and rightfully bring to bear and that is as a consequence of his actions he no longer gets to see, speak or otherwise engage with you.

Right now you are probably too scared of the "double rejection whammy" of not leaving his wife plus telling you he never cared about you when you tell him to naff off, which is why you need to take control if the situation and go no contact. If you go no contact he can't reject you again because you are rejecting him with no returns.

And believe me if he is a narcissistic twat (he sounds like one), the lack of attention from you will hurt him. He's actually most likely quite afraid of people hating him and no contact sends a pretty unequivocal message.

So drop the contact, have a think about what the script you had running over in your mind was, when you first got involved, and start to think if yourself as the one who holds some pretty valuable cards here.

You are not a victim, and you are not a loser, you've just had an opportunity to learn some very important life lessons here. Think about what they are, how you can apply the knowledge to your own behaviour, to do better next time because now you know better, iyswim.

[akawisey]

Good post Hatpin. I hope the OP returns to read it.

[Poogate]

Agree w/ Fairenuff and Loopyloulou. If you weren't enjoying the attenion you would make it patently clear that this man should refrain from contacting you, you would block his number and would certainly not engage in conversation with him. It's all a bit lame.

[Loopyloulu]

I agree.

I think the OP lives in some kind of fantasy world where she likes to pretend things happen to her, and over which she has no control.

Then she mentions contacting his wife, but somehow trying to soften the blow by not saying he has pursued her. So how can you tell a wife about an affair 'kindly'? It's the same delusional behaviour again-I'll tell her but I won't really tell her..' kind of thing.

Like ' we never slept together but were intimate'. so that makes it all ok? A blow job or hands in your knickers is ok as long as it's not intercourse? More self delusion.

OP if you really wanted to be kind to his wife you wouldn't have waited to tell her now. You'd have never allowed it all to happen. You want to tell his wife because you are mad at HIM for not giving you what you want. You've lost your job, your friends, and have no future with him so his poor wife becomes the scapegoat for your anger and unhappiness- on the pretext that you want to be 'helpful'.

[Womaninthecity]

I come back to read the posts daily - so thanks to everyone who has left me nuggets of advice.

I don't want to defend what happened or what I wanted to happen, I just want out to be move to move on from this episode.

I really appreciate all posts and have decided just to go no contact. A cold cut off is necessary. I'm not going to explain why I'm going cold or try to rationalise it. I'm just going to do it as it's the majority opinion is that it's overdue.

Will let you know how I get on. X

[Womaninthecity]

I don't want to defend what happened or what I wanted to happen, I just want to be able to move on from this episode.

[Loopyloulu]

That sounds good then :)


But in order to move on you have to never reply to his calls or texts, no matter how much he tries to contact you, and also forget about contacting his wife. If you did that, it would be your word against hers and he might paint you as some deranged bunny boiler, who has a vivid imagination over what did and didn't happen.

I'm glad you have read the posts. But moving on means accepting your role in what you did- this is not the same as defending your behaviour. It's about having some insight into your motives then, and now. In order to really move on you need some self awareness of your actions- not just brush them under the carpet.

Are you able to do that?

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

What an insidious, awful man.

Your life can only be better without this man in it, so you're making the right decision.

His poor wife, who is married to him, is not so lucky.

[nauticant]

He sounds like an absolute nightmare and someone who will damage you horribly unless you make it clear he must leave you alone.

Go to a firm of solicitors who have expertise in dealing with stalkers and get them to send him a letter saying that he must not contact you again. If they agree, you might want to include in the letter a warning that unless he complies, a copy of the letter will be copied to his employer, you will consider legal action against him, and might also contact the police.

You could instead choose to do something half-hearted but you've reached a point where unless you make a stand, he will hang around testing your defences until he finds an opportunity to make your life hell.

[Loopyloulu]

oh come on...this is not a legal or a police matter.
If you read the whole thread and have any insight at all, you'll see that is was clear that the OP said no, but meant yes for much of the time.
Given that, it's not a surprise that the man is behaving in the same way- because before it's always worked- he's been able to get his own way in the end because she simply didn't mean no.
I think it's been pretty much agreed that she hasn't wanted it to end at all. What she wanted was commitment and thought if she let the whole thing drag on - whilst attempting half heartedly to push him away- he might leave his wife.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I am thinking about contacting his wife. It won't be a nasty "your husband won't leave me alone" message - but rather if I were marred, I would want to know

Don't contact his wife. However you phrased such a message, for her, it couldn't be anything other than nasty.

It is always arguable whether it is the right or wrong thing for a cheated wife (or husband) to be told, but one thing is certain - if they are to be told, they should be told by someone who has their best interests at heart.

That's not you.

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Loopy, in a thread of 70 messages, OP has only posted 6 times, and only really described anything about her situation in two of those.

Your "insight" into what you say is "clear" comes from that??

You say RTFT, like you think all posts are of equal importance, whether written by OP or by somebody who knows very little about her.

Interestingly, OP, you seem to say the same when you say the "majority opinion" is that you should go NC. I think that is absolutely the right decision, but I don't think that's the reason you should be doing it, because a crowd of strangers told you too.

In my post of Wed 13-Nov-13 22:40:26, I mentioned a book I thought might be useful to you and still do. Just mentioning it again in case you missed it upthread.

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

told you to not "told you too".

[SarahBumBarer]

Well I agree with Loopy. OPs post is full of "one thing lead to another" which is absolute avoidance of taking responsibility for her own actions. I hope at least you do so now WITC.

[Ladylincs]

Well as someone who is on the receiving end of an Emotional Affair I'm in agreement with the majority, if you want to stop this you will do as already been suggested. Change phone, bar him and STOP playing the victim. You have a choice and part of me wonders why you are using this site to tell all! Are you a mum? do you have a family? If he was causing you so much harm why go on dates in the first place and why keep it up for 2 years. I personally think you are enjoying all the attention we are giving you. You have made me Soo angry, as in my case my husband is in London and she is a a lot younger, but she is still there and I am having to believe its over.
I'm sorry but I have no sympathy as you are not helping yourself at all.

[Ladylincs]

Totally agree with you

[Tubemole1]

Your post struck me on one level because I have been the subject of unwanted attention but at a much lesser degree. You have to admit to yourself that for a while, you gave him hope and you liked the attention. But he is desperately clinging on to something that you built up for him, and now you want to take away again. It's not fair what you did to him, because he is vulnerable, that is, "his wife doesn't understand him" and all that bollards, and now he thinks he has an emotional link with you that you reciprocate.

A little of my situation...I was attracted to someone at work, and he knew, but nothing happened because we are both in relationships and I now swap my shifts to avoid him. Luckily, he's under no illusions of the situation, and leaves me alone. There was lust for this guy, but I love my partner. That is what matters.

There is a song my OH likes to play by Tom Petty about a man who had to even change the name of the town he lived in to get away from an unwanted partner. I forget it's title, but for you I think it apt. Change your number, email, MSN, Facebook, Twitter...just avoid all contact with him. Move on and find someone who is free to properly appreciate you. Most of all learn from it.

[Loopyloulu]

Loopy, in a thread of 70 messages, OP has only posted 6 times, and only really described anything about her situation in two of those.

Your "insight" into what you say is "clear" comes from that??

Charlotte does it matter if there is 1 post or 1001 from the OP? It's the content that counts not the quantity- and her first post was lengthy in any case.

If you are unable to see the avoidance of responsibility in that first post- by analysing the language used (I'm talking about the use of the words 'lead' [sic- should be 'led'] and 'somehow' ) then I'm afraid I can't help you.