Just how do you know if you can/should trust someone?

[FolkGirl]

My upbringing was very emotionally abusive and I went NC with my mother last year. I separated from my husband after his affair and learned he'd been lying to my throughout our entire marriage. From his perspective, he thought if he never told me anything that could upset me, I'd always be happy and all he wanted was for me to be happy... but it meant he lied about absolutely everything - big and small; important or not.

I've learned to not trust people but I don't want to live like that. I know it has to be earned/built and all that, but in the early days, you just have to take someone at face value, surely?

So I've been trying to do that and I smile and accept it. But I can always see the lie in it. Because ultimately however likely, "sorry I can't meet you for breakfast tomorrow, I've just found out I'm driving my severely disabled grandmother back to her nursing home 100 miles away first thing. Really sorry, I'll make it up to you" is. In my head, it becomes: "I'm blowing you out and this is how I'm doing it."

I obviously can't ask someone directly! So how do you know?

I don't have an instinct for it, so don't tell me to trust my gut feeling! I don't have one.

[FolkGirl]

In the past I have been drawn to men with their own problems, yes. This time round though, I'm actively looking for someone who is 'sorted'. Which makes me wonder if I'm actually seeing 'sortedness' and 'un-neediness' as detached and disinterested because I'm so used to people who send/like to receive "just thinking about you" texts and emails etc several times a day.

I recently ended an embryonic relationship with someone because I realised he wasn't where I needed him to be emotionally and, as was said upthread, I couldn't be there to 'save' him.

I don't think I come across as emotionally fragile. The feedback I get from other people is generally complimentary and reflects how 'confident' and 'self assured' I am. Even though I don't necessarily feel it!

Perhaps if I was as confident and self assured as I appear, I wouldn't given some of these things a second thought!

[cjel]

I found that when I had counselling I learned to trust my own judgement. I had been so EA over the years I didn't think I knew anything and had to ask 20 people before I bought a dress!! Gradually I began to realise that what I like was ok and I think its the same with trusting people, we are so concerned because we don't think our judgement is valid and that can be scary.

[FolkGirl]

I know what you mean, cjel. I've been on the waiting list for counselling since March. They told me it would be an 8-10 week waiting list. I've been on it for nearly 8 months now! I really hope it comes through soon!

I'm just so cross with myself too because I feel like I'm 15 again. I could have entitled this thread "Do you think he likes me?" because essentially, that's what/why I'm asking!! And what I end up doing is over thinking and over analysing because I can't trust my judgement and I can't just sit back and think nothing because I need things to be more 'organised' than that.

So when I saw this man on Friday night, in a slip of the tongue he said "well my last girlfriend..." and then corrected himself to say "well my ex". Did he correct himself because he thought he'd revealed himself and what he's thinking unintentionally, or did he correct himself because it was a mistake and he didn't mean it? Who knows?! Well obviously, he does.

Did he cancel our breakfast date because he really did have something to do, or was it just an excuse?

I did meet him doing the dreaded OD. He hasn't been back on the website in the last week. I saw him twice last week. So he isn't back on there looking.

Argh! I could bang my head against a wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because I can't trust my judgement, every little thing that is said or done becomes massively significant because I can't tell what's significant and what's not and so everything gets overanalysed to within an inch of its life.

Fucking hate my head sometimes

At least I keep all these ponderings in my head and on here and don't offload IRL, eh?!

I'm going now. I'm beginning to sound a little unhinged...

[cjel]

scary thing is I don't think you sound unhinged at all .
I have reverted to thinking of my self as 13-16 in my head as those were the times I was 'myself' and happy (I'm 53 now!)
It has been helpful for me but then that is the time that I was confident to trust myselfx

[FolkGirl]

Well I got my answer. He was making excuses. So I ended it.

It would seem that my Trust Tracker isn't wonky and so the next time I start to over analyse, I shall save myself some time and just accept that I'm being lied to.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Folkgirl If I turn back the clock 35 years (with one exception) I had a string of unsuccessful relationships with boyfriends behind me that never worked out. For a long long time I though it was me because everyone else had a lovely boyfriend or was getting married. If I reflect I think a lot of all the other people's relationships were far from perfect and many broke up by the time they were in their mid 30s due to too much compromise over important things like honesty and principles.

Eventually I met DH and didn't have a single doubt; it just took me a long time to meet the right one and along the way I had to weed out a few wrong-uns but I'm glad I did and didn't compromise because then I wouldn't have been so happy. It didn't mean there wasn't an awful lot of doubt along the way though and I think I was extra cautious because I didn't want to be undermined or made to feel insecure and unhappy again after my childhood and I knew the only thing I really really wanted was children but only if they could have something far happier than I had.

Good luck and keep your dodgyblokedar well honed because eventually you will come across a non dodge. Is the internet the right place though? Wouldn't you better off joining an evening class or a walking group or something that interests you so that even if there isn't someone nice you still get the pleasure of doing something new and something you might be able to talk about if you do happen to meet the right one.

I might be terribly out of date but internet dating is a bit like internet shopping to me. I like to have a good look at it before I buy it rather than sending it back for a refund.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Not that I have ever so much as been on an internet dating site. I was simply making an analogy

[Lazyjaney]

I dont think you are unhinged OP. IMO if you suspect something isn't right it's time to be on your guard.

iME those most taken in are more likely to believe what people say, rather than watch the actions. Watching actions means it takes a longer time to believe they are generally trustworthy but it's more reliable.

[FolkGirl]

Oh married if only it were that easy!

I currently do 4 different evening activities (all of them mixed sex) I physically can't fit anything else into my week! There's a social side of all of them so I do mix socially, but all the men I meet are too old, too young, too married, too gay or just not attracted/attractive to me.

My first dates always go really well and when they haven't progressed to a second or third it's been because there's not been a spark for either of us, or because it's my choice.

Yes Lazy I think you're right.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Well perhaps you should stop trying folk. IME men are a bit like buses - when you decide to walk and plough your own furrow one turns up when you least expect it.

You sound lovely by the way x

[joblot]

I have been reading and rereading this article recently. It has helped me get a better perspective on trust. See what you think

Http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/trust-issues

[FolkGirl]

Thanks Married yes, I think you're probably right. Perhaps I should stop looking.

Annoying thing is, my mother was 42 when she and my dad separated. She's barely been single! Now, her judgement wasn't always spot on... but she never seemed to have any trouble attracting/keeping someone. Which then makes me think that perhaps all those things she said to me were true and I'm deluding myself by even thinking someone would want me anyway!

Thanks joblot, I'll read that :)

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Sounds like mine Folk. So not you. My mother told me no one would be interested either. And funnily enough her cry has always been "I've never had any trouble getting a man" - no love I inwardly say but you made two unhappy and the one you're with now (30+ yrs) has only hung on for the money. But I never do say. In her eyes I'm still inadequate and she tries to make out my DC are hard done by and have so much less than I had.

You're fine Folk but it never stops hurting.

[FolkGirl]

Ha married yes, that sounds very much like the sort of thing my mother would say, and very much like the pattern of her relationships.

I haven't seen/spoken to her in 18 months and yet everything she said is very fresh at the moment for a number of reasons.

I'm sorry you've experienced it too, but it's nice to read your replies and know that you 'get it'. Thanks.