Cautionary Tale from OW

[fuckedmylifeup]

I was relentlessly pursued by a MM whilst also married myself. This continued for the last three years. I take full responsibility for my actions but now I find myself:

On the verge of a nervous breakdown
Seeing a counsellor every week to try and get back the parts of me I lost during this damaging time
I've lost everything - my husband, my home, my job, my friends
Am on the receiving end of frequent and distressing text messages from MM's wife (and rightly so)
Grieving for two relationships - the MM (as stupid as that sounds) and my lovely dh
Devastated by the hurt i've caused dh who in no way wishes to reconcile (and who can blame him)

Whilst NOTHING has changed for MM (he is back in his marriage) - I have to start again from scratch. I'm a shell of my former self and can't see past this.

I can't eat/sleep/concentrate. I'm such a mess. Please help.

OP it's completely understandable that you have contacted him. He has been a big part of your life for 3 years, you can't just switch your feelings off.

But now is the time to delete and block. Believe me, it's the only way to heal. And if there's a chance of bumping into him you need to find a way that you don't.

He sounds completely self-absorbed. You can now look at him through new eyes, he could be who he wanted to be during the affair, it was fantasy - now see him for what he really is.

It's hard being a friend in the middle and it's especially hard when they've got new babies.

It's great you're having counselling though and he/she sounds like a good one.

What about other friends who aren't so tied up with your husband? Might be an opportunity to bring them closer if you confide?

I wouldn't be so sure the DW doesn't know you've texted, but really it doesn't matter. Just make sure you don't contact him again. Go to someone else for support with this struggle, which is an understandable one. You've lost two people. That's very hard and you need help.

God this is SO familiar. Whenever I feel so down that I want to contact XP I post on here.. Anywhere.. (You may have noticed) . It's been the massive distraction I need to fill the hole left my lack of communication from him. It's got to be no contact. I actually drafted a text to his XW last week but looked at myself and said WTF am I doing. Keep posting, ignore EX and his wife. Leave them to sort out themselves. You need to concentrate on you. It must be hard in the house by yourself but least you are not caught in the middle of deceit and lies and stress. I never thought I would say this but once last week I actually felt relief , something that I find incredible. You will miss him, but I bet there's things you won't miss. It was probably very difficult. This is a new phase for you. Stay strong, v brave for posting.

Thanks everyone and PA for such a considered helpful post.

You are right about my desire to cling onto the familiar - i am having lots of punishing thoughts about how good I had it with dh. Tonight I am recognising more problems within the relationship and how utterly unhappy I was when I began my affair with MM (no excuse, I know and so wish I had addressed the problems so we had a chance at salvaging something).

I am also sad that MM went from pestering me for a relationship to complete cut off in the space of a day and can't understand how he could do that after the three intense years we shared. I feel like the painstaking time I recently spent not contacting him after his decision has been for nothing now I contacted him with a really heartfelt message and heard nothing back. So so stupid.

He's cutting you off because having made the decision to end the relationship, no contact with you is the best thing for him and the best thing for his marriage. Just like having no contact with him is the best thing for you. You can't be eachother's support any more and although it must be so painful and seem so cruel to you, it's actually the kindest thing in the long run.

I guess one of the hardest things for you might be not knowing what were lies and what were truths. I've never been in this situation, so do tell me if I'm talking out of my arse! and maybe those thoughts aren't plaguing you.

But if they are, I've known a lot of people who are where you are and a lot of people in the OM's boat too. From my observation, ultimately people make the choices that suit them best personally. So if they think they truly love the OW/OM they leave and if they don't, they stay. Obviously there are other factors such as children, finances and potential alienation of friends and family in the mix, but as dispassionate as this sounds, the people I've known to stay in their relationships did so for two main reasons: they didn't want to risk their happiness on the OW/OM because doubts had started to form and/or they believed they could be happy or happier in the future with their usual partner, once the affair was over.

I was saying on another thread that while the affair was a secret, you were in something of a bubble. Sometimes what happens when the secret comes out is that for the first time, the people get to hear others' views about both the secret relationship and the people in it. That can be like a bucket of cold water thrown over the fantasy and I've known people to 'wake up' from it and for the first time, see the affair a bit more objectively.

This might be what's happened to him a bit, which is why it's maybe easier for him to detach and be quite cold about it. It's a good thing your counsellor is helping you to do the same; you're realising that it wasn't that this man was so wonderful, but the feelings he gave you were wonderful. The great news there is that those feelings aren't unique to this man and it's entirely possible you'll feel them again, with someone who is single and free to commit.

Three years is a heck of a long time, you didn't lose your husband you lied to him, made him an unknowing fool and are upset that he had enough self respect not to be your consolation prize. Whatever your feeling now pales into significance to what you put your H through.

Be honest with yourself, are you really mourning the end of your marriage or are you feeling lonely now that the OM hasn't followed through and your back up (H) has gone?

Wallowing and self flagellation is limited in its usefulness. The past is the past, you did what you did, continue with counselling and try to understand why you behaved so badly and move on.

I do feel for you.
I was cut off once by a man after 4 years- we were engaged. One day he simply decided he wasn't 'ready' for marriage. I struggled with how he loved me one day and wanted no contact the next. It's a tough one and it took me re-location, new job, new men, to get over it . He came back to me years later saying he'd made a mistake but it was too late.

I think one thought you need to hold onto is that he is finding it 'easy' to break up in this way because he was never 'in it' fully anyway- he was also in a marriage.

No matter what you thought you had, he wasn't emotionally available. He was married. As were you. You might have invested more than he did.

It might be part of the deal he has struck with his wife, never to reply to you. You need to respect this and if you do love him, you'd want to wish him well and that might mean leaving him to sort out his life without the added complication of you in it.

It's not easy- it will take you a long time to get over this but you will.
I'd also not write off your DH and marriage- in time when he calms down there may well be a reconciliation- you need to be honest with him and say if that's what you want.

Isetan I think all you said was rather hurtful and also unnecessary- the OP knows all that- have you read the entire thread?

I have been your H. And I can tell you that three years of betrayal will have turned you into the lowest of the low in your H's eyes.

Your apologies may have been heartfelt, but we are hardly talking about a momentary lapse of judgement. You revealed yourself to him to be someone capable of a shocking level of deceit, someone with no integrity.

So it's hardly surprising he won't consider reconciliation. 3 years after finding out the truth about my H, things are civil but I still feel revulsion when I look at him (we have DC so there is regular contact) and I don't believe a word of his declarations of remorse and hope for reconciliation. I think he is just feeling shit because he has lost a lot, is living alone and hasn't yet found a replacement shag.

Could this be you?

Thanks for the continued support. And thanks Missbopeep.

PA - you have a point and part of the reason I told dh was to selfishly unburden my guilt which was causing such daily mental strain. As crazy as it sounds, I am hurt that he could slam the door shut on 15 years of marriage without even wanting to discuss how we got here/wether we could ever move on from it. This probably sounds beyond selfish. Maybe I am in a panic. It's all really confusing.

Isetan and casa - i know what I have done to my dh and what I have put him through and am in counselling, partly because I can't deal with that and partly because I have lost myself somewhere along the line - I've lost my integrity - you are right, and so much more. I'm a shadow of my former self. (Me, me, me).

OP I think you are being too hard on yourself. You are hardly the first, nor will you be the last person who has had an affair.

Firstly, the texts from the MW must stop, if you don't want to confront her, change your number.

Secondly, it's best to cease all contact with your MM.

Thirdly, reading between the lines, I also get the impression your marriage wasn't exactly a bed of roses, nor your DH a saint. There was probably a sound reason for your affair, you may be over estimating what you've lost.

Fourthy, friends who don't stick with you aren't friends, and there are always other people who can be friends.

Seems to me the only real loss you may have is the possibility of not having children, but realistically you probably didn't want to have them with DH or you already would have. Thing to do is to try and move on and make a new start as quickly as possible, to have the best chance of meeting someone else.

You're allowed to focus on yourself, don't feel bad about worrying about you.

I'm impressed by your honesty and courage to come on here. Keep coming to MN for support, it will help you.

No man is worth hating yourself over. Keep strong, you'll get through this and be a better person for it.

I hope you will find some way of moving on. Your DH will be in shock- it's like a bereavement for him and his first reaction will be disbelief and anger. But there are 7 stages of grief- and he will move forward, which may include thinking about the good points of his marriage. He may in time want you back but meanwhile you have to be honest with yourself. If the marriage was dead in the water and if the OM was some escape route, then you need to face that and not look now at your DH with rose coloured specs.

We always want what we can't have and the grass is always greener.

At the moment your DH may look appealing because he is in your eyes more of an option than the OM. Why did you need someone outside your marriage? What did OM give you? I hope the counselling is digging into this because it's key to your future and not making the same mistake again.

"part of the reason I told dh was to selfishly unburden my guilt which was causing such daily mental strain. As crazy as it sounds, I am hurt that he could slam the door shut on 15 years of marriage without even wanting to discuss how we got here/wether we could ever move on from it."

My IC and I have discussed this, and we are in the 'if you have stopped the affair, do not tell, carry your guilt for your shitty behaviour yourself for the rest of your life and work very, very hard on becoming a better human being' camp.

Why? Because an affair is pulling the pin out of a delayed hand grenade, and the discovery of how you were lied to and betrayed is a nuclear fission of pain. Although there is direct cause and effect, the INTENTION to hurt is NOTHING LIKE the reality of the destruction. It is one of those things in life where the cause and effect are hugely mismatched.

Nothing will or can ever hurt me more than discovering that the love of my life, my best friend, the person who had my back, who cared about me, my team mate and partner in life's difficulties, the person I trusted more than anyone else who knew the most about me and loved me anyway

• was none of those things.

It was annhialation. Once your innocence is gone, its gone.

Did he intend to annhialate me? No, he didn't. He just wanted a fantasy to make him feel good and keep him going so he could stay married to the old troll.

The result of the explosion that he didn't intend, will cost him everything. He was starting to see OW as the childish selfish person she is, he was starting to come home and seeing that it wasn't so bad ie, his perception was distorted so he says - but he is a f g liar anyway. He didn't do it quick enough and he got caught. Funny, now he has the chance of her 100% he doesn't want her. Not my problem.

What does Rona Subotnik call affairs? 'A maladaptive solution'... They are such a huge mistake.

OP, WHY did you do this? WHY for three years?

fuckedup I have also been the DW of such a triangle. I think wellwobbly illustrates very well the experience of discovery and beyond so I won't add to that.

But at some point you have to forgive yourself and let it go. If I can just say why I think that.

A few weeks ago I happened to pass my ex h as I was on my way into a shop. We split not far off three years ago and this is the first time a chance encounter has happened. He now has to live part of the week here and part of the week with OW (who, I guess, is now his DP).

As we passed it was as if we were two strangers - not two people who were married for 20 years. The surprise, for me, was the look of utter misery on his face. He couldn't meet my gaze, he appeared ashamed and maybe a bit scared.

This was not a man who is as happy with his new life as I imagine he thought he would be. I don't think he's forgiven himself and he should. Not forgiving himself will not bring the best bits (or indeed any bits) of his past life back. It doesn't change how I feel about him, nor does it change my desire to remain in no contact. He doesn't need my forgiveness - he needs to say sorry to himself.

And so do you.

fuckedup your names sums things up well. You did. A smart person learns from their mistakes, a foolish one wallows in them.

Your DH doesn't want to re-live this every day so has chosen a life without you. That is his right, so accept it and be happy for him.

The OM is a sh*t at every level. He used you. Forget him, move on.

The wife is not herself, she's hurting. Change your number for your and her sake.

Now, hold your head up, tell yourself good people can do bad things and start again. Forgive yourself. You'll be ok.

Thanks again for the support.

Wellwobbly, before all of this I posted a thread (different name) and was strongly advised to tell dh. The advice, alongside my suffering mental health was the catalyst. If ever want to get the old me back, which I doubt I ever could, I have to face up to things honestly. I'm sorry and ashamed I have hurt dh wish I could have kept it all in.

That is tough reading PA but you are right, of course and most of the time feel in a very very dark place because of the hurt I've caused someone who had in the past showed me so much love.

I think I remember your post, I think I posted not to tell.

So, are you able to tell the story of your affair, OM, how it happened? Why did it continue so long? How did you plan and arrange it? What kept you in?

Late to this thread but just wanted to say that no reputable therapist would make a blanket judgement about the merits of honesty and disclosure, either for or against. The individual circumstances of each client and their own conclusions must govern each individual decision.

Neither do I think it's helpful when a poster has made a decision and is living with the consequences of it - both good and bad - to revisit that and question it after the event.

The most helpful thing is to access support for now and the future, dealing with the situation as it stands.

Like others OP, I think your husband is probably still in shock and the decisions he makes now might not be what he will want in the future. This is a good opportunity for you both to think about the relationship you want, either together or with others in the future.

This is a process, but just as he needs to take his time with it and not make any permanent decisions whilst in shock, so should you. Be patient with your own selves as well as eachother.

Great post Charbon I agree.

I can't see the virtue in provoking the OP to re-visit they whys and wherefores of the affair here. This will surely add to her clear distress. I'd feel it amounted to voyeurism. What's done is done. The process now is to discuss this with a counsellor and move forward.

I'm sorry op. I hope you regain yourself and your strength. Life is not simple at times and i am sorry you hurt. x

Sorry if I said anything to hurt you OP.