Divorcing a narcissist - any experience, advice?

[Wellwobbly]

I am in the process of filing against a [diagnosed] narcissist, and it just gets worse and worse.

I am now The Enemy. It is as though nothing that has been before, existed. Creepy, and inhuman.

does anyone have any experience, advice? Did it go to court, or were you able to get an agreement at mediation stage?

Do courts recognise the unreasonableness of the narcissist, and are you protected?

How do you keep lawyer's costs down and stop escalation?

How do you protect the (teenage) children?

Any advice/hand-holding gratefully received.

[PostBellumBugsy]

Yes I tried mediation. It was horrific. He just wouldn't cooperate at all. It was just a waste of time and money. He was so illogical and unreasonable. Kept throwing in time consuming red herrings and taking the process off down long cul de sacs.
Court worked a treat but did cost me £10k.

[theolddragon01876]

Im in the US. Ive been there done that re the divorce. I tried everything to settle,nothing worked. We ended up in court with the judge giving him a SERIOUS ticking off for being an arse and ordering him to sign the agreement.

Everytime he gets some money ( weve been divorced 11 years now ) he drags me back into court for something,Its happened 4 times so far. The judge,basically, laughs at him EVERY DAMN TIME and awards in my favor but it still costs me silly money in lawyers fees.Ive got 6 more years till youngest is too old for child support so I reckon Ill be back in court twice more. Oh and he isnt abiding by the rulings in regards to college costs and medical bills ( ie he doesnt pay anything at all ) but I cant afford to take him back so I reckon Ill just bring it up the next time he drags me back.

It cost me a few grand before I decided the court road was the way to go,money down the drain cos he was soooo difficult that court was the only option

[HystericalParoxysm]

Mediation was a waste of time for me too. In the end it took over a year, 3 court visits and in excess of £30k to resolve things. Third judge saw straight through him and had some choice words to offer. That alone was almost worth the money

[Wellwobbly]

Oooh, Paroxysm what did the judge say!

Even if they don't listen (and I bet your H didn't), it is such a boon to just hear someone else reinforce to the wife 'you are not the crazy one here'.

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

I'm posting to keep this thread in view for me as I am going through very similar but need to research narcissist and how it might apply to ex. Unfortunately he is very controlling and manipulative to DS and I am dealing with that this am :(

Thank you so far for book recommendations.

[HystericalParoxysm]

The judge was a woman, which may have helped! She criticised his behaviour throughout the legal proceedings, told him he was difficult and manipulative and then awarded me most of the assets

[garlicbaguette]

Wobbly, have a look at this thread. Is mathanxiety still around? She learned a very rigid approach, which worked for her. Perhaps you could search her posts, and/or drop her a PM.

Wishing you well! So please you've got this far. Not pretending it's going to be easy but, with a brand new Stern Headmistress hat, you ought to be able to get a viable outcome and get rid.

Not offering advice myself - apart from 'avoid mediation' and 'get a forensic accountant' - as both mine shafted me. The clinical diagnosis will be enough to bypass mediation.

[SpicedGingerTea]

Another one divorcing a narc at the moment, as you know Wobbly. I can't really offer any advice because I'm at a similar stage to you. I've tried mediation twice and it was the biggest farce - it was all about him and how distraught and upset he was.

[garlicbaguette]

But did he get custody of the pickles, Lou?

[SpicedGingerTea]

He's still after the TV though. And his coat from the loft. Forget the fact I've had his baby, he's still obsessed with things even now!

(Sorry Wobbly for the derail,......)

[garlicbaguette]

Oh, good grief! His coat Sorry, too, Wobbly!

[JohFlow]

From experience - splits from narcissists are particularly difficult OP. They often have an inability to behave in an amicable way; because they cannot believe that you have the' nerve' to break up with them (good for you). And an inability to see things from another point of view. They find any type of critical comments about their behaviour almost impossible to digest. You will probably be accused of everything under the sun to protect his ego.

The court will recognise any type of unreasonable behaviour so long as you put the evidence before them. His condition will be referred to but it will not be accepted as an excuse. The impact of it also on you will be considered fully.

I think he needs to be warned what behaviours you will not tolerate. Non-Molestation Order info. is worth checking out now (just so that you are informed should you need it). This can protect both you and your children from difficult behaviour during negotiations and in any contact visits they may have with them.

I think you need to make decisions about what your priorities will be in sorting this out. I think you have to insist on your rights in a very matter of fact way. Getting things done quickly is important as narcissists often enjoy the power of spinning things out. Give him an small amount of time to discuss and agree what is needed - then move straight to court if you are not satisfied.

I hope that you can come to some good resolutions and that all parties will be able to move on soon.

You have a fantastic opportunity now to find what you and your children need in life - instead of focussing on what he wants or how he makes you feel. Good luck.

[Lweji]

Not sure if exH is a narcissist but it amuses and enrages in equal measure me how much he cares about "his" precious car.
In my name.
To the point of me having to call the police because he wanted to take the keys out of my hand, when I was going to drive DS back home and had told him I'd give him then the spares.
I have since changed the locks.

He still made a point of mentioning it when we made a quick list of assets, even though it's over 10 years old and probably worth less than 1k.

[DollyTwat]

I divorced mine 9 years ago

It's been 9 years of utter hell from him since
Still at it I'm afraid. Best thing is minimal contact with them, don't fall for the niceness as it's always because they want something. Then when you don't agree it steps up again

It's exhausting. Only about 5 more years til the kids can make up their own minds

Sorry can't offer anything positive

[Wellwobbly]

Garlic, re Lou: you have no idea!

Thanks for coming on my post, Lou. TBH I am heartbroken about all of this. Pathetic. I think Math does need to give me a swift slap about the chops.

Thanks for the understanding everyone, it is extremely hard to explain narcissistic abuse in RL. It is so inhuman it sounds like I am making it up. 'What do you mean, you have no idea why you are getting divorced! You must have done SOMETHING'. Yes, I got very upset when I found he had lied to me for 2 years and entertained OW, often overnight, in our house'. This constitutes a vicious, personal attack on him and he is justified in being cold and unfeeling. Yes, really.

Doesn't make sense, does it? Doesn't make it any less true though.

[SpicedGingerTea]

Wobbly you write so eloquently about infidelity and the effects on marriage, and have been really helpful on my threads, that I would do anything I can to return the favour and support you back. Unfortunately I'm in the midst of it, as you are, and sometimes I can't see a way out. It comes in spurts - I have a quiet period, then some shit kicks off and it gets stressful again (usually in the way of a solicitor's letter or such like). I just long for the day when I'm free of him. It hurts, but there is also a tremendous sense of relief as well that I now see him for what he is and I'm free of him (or I will be one day).

The personal attack thing is interesting. I now realise that my H never took any slight criticism well - he always hit the roof, spent days sulking and punishing me, kept telling me how upset he was and how I'd overstepped the mark and then used it as an excuse to attack me for days and days on end. It's no way to live, because you end up grovelling (of sorts) for their approval again.

I actually shudder when I look back.

Anyway, lots of hand holding here, but as you know, I'm looking at court, if I can afford it.

[RandomMess]

How would it work if you waited for the 2 years separation as the petition or the 5 years when they don't need to agree to it? Would he want the assets sorted out more quickly - can you use that to manipulate back?

"I'm happy to wait 5 years to divorced when I don't need your agreement, if you want a share of the house before then I will only agree to you getting x percent?

I would try and respond to solicitor communication myself with the broken record offer.

Sadly I think you have to accept he will always be a nightmare

[Wellwobbly]

Thanks Random. I am really looking forward to arriving at the state of 'Meh'.

But I really loved him a lot, and am heartbroken.

He is jobless at the moment (his choice) so really I have to get going on this.
I will have to take out a loan to pay the solicitor. It then gets paid out of the settlement. Another cost of my paralysis. If I had filed at BD (ie accepted things sooner), I think I would have qualified for legal aid?

[RandomMess]

I think you can often have the debt on account at the solicitors to come out of the settlement?

I'm just concerned if he knows you are desperate to divorce he will string it out even longer on purpose just to exercise control over you

[misreadings]

From my investigations Random that is rarely the case - divorces can go on for years and I've been told the firms just can't operate on a 'I'll pay you one day' system. I've had to take out a divorce loan Wobbly and still smart at the fact that he's paying his legal bills out of his monthly income (and therefore saying he can't pay me any MPS as things stand) whereas my bills will have to come out of my settlement.

[ladybird69]

My narcissistic psychopath of an xh threatened me time and time again that he would take my children if I ever divorced him (domestic abuse). I held on Sooo long but a serious interest in one of his many affairs kicked off a particular period of hell where basically I was backed into a corner and begging for a divorce! Straight into his web I'd walked. I was now the bad guy he was victim all support was given to this broken msn! He told lies he told people I'd said things and done things I didn't do. He poisoned my children against me and accused me of attacking him, a huge hulk of a man !!! I guess standing in front of your wife screaming ah ah don't hit me stop attacking me. Counts as assault. He threatened suicide. He tried to kick me out of house then smirked as I was breaking my heart saying yeah as soon as your gone I'm moving my girlfriend in. He then started a campaign to get me sectioned and declared unstable. He took my children my furniture my sentimental things. He stole from me. He caused criminal damage against my property. He constantly harassed and stalked me.
The divorce started I get nasty messages from children and put on FB why am I doing this to poor old xh? The divorce took over 12 months of hell. He would make appts and cancel appts on my behalf, write letters in my name. He even dragged other members of his family into it. He had 2 solicitors he fired first one. At court hearings he would shout at his solicitor and the judge. The judge continually told him his behaviour was unacceptable!!! But because he had children he said he'd have to allow the majority of assets to go to him. Now 6 months later my darling children are still not in touch with me but I have heard from friends they are being forgotten about/neglected! I just wish the system would take into account that these kind of people are out there and the decent scared women and families trying to get away from them should get the best help and protection. Oh and for what it's worth even after 2 years he is about to be held in contempt of court!!!! They just think that they are above the law. Good luck Op sometimes I wish I'd just disappeared into thin air.

[Wellwobbly]

Ladybird, keep in touch with your children. Send them cards through the neighbours, tell them you are still here, you love and think about them all the time.

It will take time and persistence, but children hear these things.

[Wellwobbly]

Also for Ladybird:

www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/product-reviews/B0056JX46W/ref=pr_all_summary_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

don't give up!

[ladybird69]

Sorry didnt want to take over thread. Well wobbly my ex has bought them lovely new phones (so I haven't got mob nos) and also have moved numerous times so that I have no idea where they are living! All I can do is leave them private messages on FB. Just constantly tell them I love them I'm here not matter what and I miss them and am heart broken. Ex prob has good laugh reading my pathetic messages but that's all I can do for now. I won't lose hope and I'm not going to crumble. Thanks for link. Bless you

[Wellwobbly]

Surely some friends know, Ladybird? Some of their childhood friends?

When you are stronger, can't you re-visit this?