Really annoying person I could get my own back on... but should I?

[LemonDrizzled]

Looking for some votes here for or against while I decide what to do.

Two years ago I was helping organise a charity event and somebody who didn't know I was the chairman of the volunteer sports club involved was obnoxious to me. Gratuitously rude and insulting. I withdrew with dignity and said to her "I hope you never want to join our Club in the future". She didn't know at the time I was senior management.

Now two years later she has applied to join with her new partner and I could "black ball" her. She has friends who have begged me not to, she has turned over a new leaf, she is with a new man etc etc.

I have done stupid things myself in the past, and maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. But already she has upset me again with this, and I will have to socialise with her for years potentially.

So do I block her application and look petty? Or be the bigger person and say nothing? This is a very small place...

[glastocat]

I'd blackball her in a heartbeat.

[Lazyjaney]

I may come to regret not using my veto later, but equally she may be a strong character who can be given a role in the club

You were the better person, and it was the right thing to do, but as you know no good deed goes unpunished.

[Thumbwitch]

Oh goodness, why can you not just put the full picture before the committee and say that IYO she could be bad news - then let THEM veto her! Do they KNOW the whole story? If not, then TELL them. They make the decision, your conscience is clear (in BOTH directions) and she doesn't get into the club - job done!

You really DON'T want her there, you know that. You've already said that you don't think she'll be an asset so why on earth don't you follow that opinion through, and make sure she is not inflicted on the club?

And I agree that you can't outsmart or pre-empt a Wendy. They are too fecking devious, and the thing to remember about it is that Wendys:
a) have no morals
b) have no empathy
c) don't give a shiny shit who they hurt on the way
d) have done this before.

You are far too nice to compete with that, sorry. And you absolutely can NOT rely on people's previous good opinion of you/friendship.
Have a read of this thread - it's a short one - which is a great demonstration of how a Wendy operates.

[Vivacia]

I am utterly perplexed by this situation, which is probably because I can't imagine this kind of formal but non-professional club. I would just allow this woman to join. I wouldn't ban her on the basis of one I'll-advised comments made two years ago.

[LtEveDallas]

I have a cautionary tale that may be of interest.

In the Sergants Mess we can have 'Honorary Members' that are civilians. They may be ex military, or work for the military. Every year the Hon Members have to be voted back in, and one single 'no' vote from a 'Full Member' would mean the end of their membership.

Last year we had a new member apply for this year. I knew this person from old. When he was serving he was a nightmare, always in trouble and constantly in debt. I told the senior mess members this, and told them I would be voting against.

I shouldn't have said anything, just voted, because it turned out that a number of Mess Members knew him and were very friendly with him. I was 'persuaded' to give him a chance and not vote against him.

Well, 9 months on and his membership is being terminated. He has started 2 fights, abused the female staff so badly they now refuse to serve him and has run up a bill of over £200 that he refuses to pay.

I should have stuck to my guns. I knew he was bad news, and it's the Mess (and the accounts that I am responsible for) that suffered. I have also lost all respect for the people that persuaded me.

I say don't let her in.

[BoffinMum]

Sometimes in life you have to grow a pair and just get on with doing things like black balling without apologising or explaining. You clearly think it would probably not be in the interests of the club to allow her to join. So use the black ball process to express this, which is exactly why the process is there. No need to agonise over the decision. Make it, move on, and enjoy your club in the knowledge that you have find your bit to maintain the equilibrium. FWIW my mum left a similar club recently because it went funny after a couple of these characters infiltrated, so it's important to try to keep things pleasant and as I say, work towards maintaining the club's equilibrium whenever possible.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

It's your responsibility to use the veto for the good of the other members and the club as a whole, rather than just thinking about the individual or you. Her value to the club is highly questionable and I don't see what she would bring to it. Blackball her. Don't discuss it with others, just do it.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

You have been spineless on two accounts with this woman.

The first time when you backed down over health and safety.
Now, when you let her friends blackmail you to let her into the club.

No point having a veto if you dont have the guts to use it!

[FetchezLaVache]

I agree that she would be no asset to the club. It's not as though you're blackballing her purely on the grounds of personal animosity. I really believe you'd come to regret it if you gave her this chance.

[20wkbaby]

What if you accept the application to be magnanimous and her and all your mutual friends then form a little clique now they have what they want and your generosity is repaid in this way.

Won't you wish you'd blackballed her?

What are the possible repercussions of blackballing? Are you likely to come across her in any other context - school, socially etc?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Find your spine and use your veto.

You will kick yourself otherwise.

[Vivacia]

I still don't get it. This woman once showed her self up with some nasty, sneering words directed at the OP. It was two years ago. Do we have any other evidence for some of the slurs being thrown around here?

Secondly, the OP has been accused of being spineless and cowardly and without any responsibility for her club. Why? It reads as very rude and unkind given that Lemon must dedicate quite a bit of time and energy to this club given her position over such a long period of time. Lemon has just come across as calm, reasoned and just doubting herself on whether she should have got over it by now or not.

I wonder if the thread is reminding many of us of some real bitchy behaviour we've suffered from and we're kind of over-extrapolating this situation.

[Poppylovescheese]

Black ball

[Apocalypto]

The club is either about croquet or dwarf tossing, I reckon

[LemonDrizzled]

Haha I am liking the dwarf tossing, although we are a very politically correct lot despite the stuffy etiquette.

Thank Vivacia for your kind words and Quint I could explain better but I don't want to give more detail. I am not spineless, as you would know if you met me, I have run committees full of cross old gits and competed at the highest level against aggressive testosterone loaded men (and women!). I sort out Child Protection and Risk Assessments for the Club too.

It is more that I am aware that I have this important responsibility of veto and am thinking through the implications of using it against somebody who I suspect will react very badly. You have all made me see that in fact if she kicks off it proves my point, and will be better than having her poisonous presence inside the Club.

Last night I talked it all through (privately) with someone I trust who will be at the meeting next week so he knows my views.

[SuperiorCat]

Black ball her.

You don't need someone unpleasant causing trouble

[bringbacksideburns]

Stop over analysing and go with your gut.

Make your points at the Meeting and then see what happens.
I think it's pretty unanimous on here that she doesn't sound an asset.

[Thumbwitch]

If you're still dithering, run a Risk Assessment on having her as a member, see what that does for your decision

[Floggingmolly]

Does the fact that she's likely to react very badly to the news that her application has been refused not tell you all you need to know?

[Vivacia]

She's made her decision and acted upon it. Just because she hasn't LTB quick enough for you doesn't mean she's dithering.

[Thumbwitch]

Err, no she hasn't Vivacia. The meeting is next week. The decision is not yet made.

[Vivacia]

Her decision is to talk about it at the meeting, Lemon hasn't even told us what her decision is. I don't think anyone can expect more.

[Thumbwitch]

Lemon hasn't MADE the decision yet. She doesn't need to tell anyone what it is, even when she HAS made it. I don't really know what you're on about, tbh.

[Vivacia]

You said she's dithering, I disagreed.