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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Really annoying person I could get my own back on... but should I?

147 replies

LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2013 13:47

Looking for some votes here for or against while I decide what to do.

Two years ago I was helping organise a charity event and somebody who didn't know I was the chairman of the volunteer sports club involved was obnoxious to me. Gratuitously rude and insulting. I withdrew with dignity and said to her "I hope you never want to join our Club in the future". She didn't know at the time I was senior management.

Now two years later she has applied to join with her new partner and I could "black ball" her. She has friends who have begged me not to, she has turned over a new leaf, she is with a new man etc etc.

I have done stupid things myself in the past, and maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. But already she has upset me again with this, and I will have to socialise with her for years potentially.

So do I block her application and look petty? Or be the bigger person and say nothing? This is a very small place...

OP posts:

Report

expatinscotland · 06/09/2013 22:22

Once a mug . . .

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/09/2013 22:27

raisah · 06/09/2013 22:31

Blackball.
She will come into your circle and slowly turn people against you because she won't want people to know that she was awful to you previously. She will start off as a reformed character but then will revert to how she has always been.

raisah · 06/09/2013 22:33

Posted too soon. I would seriously rethink your decision to admit her to your club.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/09/2013 22:36

She might even think you have tried to block her, but not had enough support/authority to do so, so will be super manipulative and behave like a real wendy.

LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2013 22:37

Thanks Raisah, but as I said it is not my decision to admit her, that is for the current committee. I can use a veto to stop her admission which is subtly different.

As I am a senior member and she would be a very junior new one I am not threatened by her Wendying me. The old codgers would see her off!

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/09/2013 23:00

What kind of a club is this?? I really can't picture it.

FunnysInLaJardin · 06/09/2013 23:01

oh dear, hope it all turns out well OP.

WherewasHonahLee · 06/09/2013 23:11

Seems obvious to me that you should exercise your veto. Anyone that needs their friends to beg for them in the way you describe is not the sort of member you want IMO. But despite lots of of advice, you're admitting her. Your choice. Wouldn't be mine.

PigOnStilts · 06/09/2013 23:14

You've got a veto for a reason! It's because you're expected to exercise good judgement....you're not doing that if you let in somebody you know to be unscrupulous in some way.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/09/2013 23:14

At least inform the deciding committee about your encounter with her and her attitude to health and safety. If there are issues in future, it is better for you if you have told them.

Walkacrossthesand · 06/09/2013 23:22

Your 22:21 post is contradictory - you say this person is a bully and not an asset to your club, yet 'she may be a strong character who will have a role in the club'. Are you scared of her?

GlaikitFizzog · 06/09/2013 23:37

Is it a bowls club?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 06/09/2013 23:42

Blackball .

LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2013 23:45

Walk you are absolutely right I am being contradictory. I asked for advice and you all confirmed my instinct that she is bad news and I should veto her. But being a very reasonable easygoing person I am trying to find a positive spin. Actually I just need to grow a spine and log my objection don't I? Anything else is asking for trouble.

OP posts:

LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2013 23:47

I don't want to say what sport but it is a very traditional one with etiquette and strict rules! All a bit stuffy and proper until we start competing

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 06/09/2013 23:51

I would black ball her if she is not, as they say, clubbable.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/09/2013 00:02

I guess part of your dilemma is that you know something about her from a purely chance encounter - if you hadn't happened to have that run-in with her, you would be none the wiser and she would be 'in'. But of course you do have that knowledge of what kind of person she is, and you have doubts that she is suitable for membership. What do your fellow senior club members think of what happened before? Do they feel it reflects the kind of behaviour/attitude they want in their membership? Maybe the decision doesn't rest entirely with you...

iheartdusty · 07/09/2013 00:08

your earlier post:
" I am a little afraid of the consequences of crossing her".

that's it, isn't it?

she does not sound like an asset to anywhere.

Do not reveal your vote. Do not care what other people attribute to you. These are the responsibilities of having a vote. It is not about you, it is about your club, but your experience is relevant to what might happen again in future. You must put aside your own feelings. You must forget how you felt when she snubbed you. But you should consider how she has trampled on other people's feelings (yours) before, and whether she would do the same again. And you should prepare a careful response to any questions about how you voted.

and I would black ball her because she sounds like a negative presence in any club.

Bogeyface · 07/09/2013 01:36

Look at it this way, once she is in how hard will it be to get her out?

If she genuinely has changed then she will accept her fate with equanimity and if she applies again you can allow her application to continue on the basis that she is now not the person she was. If she kicks off and goes batshit then you know you have made the right decision.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2013 01:41

'But being a very reasonable easygoing person I am trying to find a positive spin. Actually I just need to grow a spine and log my objection don't I? Anything else is asking for trouble.'

Yes, because you will not to be able to shift her once she's in. And Wendys are poisonous. There in nothing unreasonable in being assertive, and many 'easygoing' people have learned to be so, too.

Life is hard enough. Why make it harder when it's not necessary?

springytufty · 07/09/2013 02:01

As I am a senior member and she would be a very junior new one I am not threatened by her Wendying me

Oh! Wendy's aren't obvious! They sneak in and do the subtlest job of getting you out. Please don't think you're immune.

Veto her. She is a bully. Nobody needs a bully around - and, no, her 'strong character' won't be an asset to the club. She'll be a PITA at best, a serious threat at worst.

Man up OP. Black ball her.

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Bogeyface · 07/09/2013 02:27

I agree. Wendys are at their best when up against someone who is above them the hierarchy. Whispering Campaigning at its best.

Black ball

Bogeyface · 07/09/2013 02:29

whis′pering campaign`
n.
the organized spreading of insinuations or rumors to destroy the reputation of a person, group, etc.

Bogeyface · 07/09/2013 02:30

Ok that should be....

whis'pering campaign
n.
the organized spreading of insinuations or rumors to destroy the reputation of a person, group, etc.

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