I think he is a sociopath

[nothinglefttogive333]

I have NC'd. If you recognise me, please don't out me.

Been with DP three years and we have an 8 month old DS. We are supposed to be getting married next summer.

After we had been together for a year, it became apparent that he had lied. Huge lies. Lies that affected every part of our lives, it was a web. When I look back now, I don't know why I believed him. I feel like a mug.

Anyway, it all came out and his parents helped us get back on our feet. I was checking up on him a lot and in time I was able to trust him again, as he hadn't lied. Then our DS was born and things were good. He had been out of work for a while but started working again early this year. That's when things started to unravel.

He got paid ok the first few weeks, then there was a problem with the bank (!) Then his employer wasn't paying on time. Then the job ended (agency work so I understood that bit.) He then got a new job, but it turns out he didn't. Fuck knows where he was, but it wasn't at work.

We have been surviving on tax credits and child benefit.

Thing is, I can't trust a word he says. He is grumpy, which I always put down to not having a job. Its clear that he isn't happy with himself. He gaslights me, talks over me in arguements, he could have made me believe the sky was pink. I feel so fucking stupid. He is flipping between blaming it all on me and apologising and saying he knows he has a problem.

When confronted with the lies he gets angry but he has never hit me. If he was depressed, I could deal with that (he has supported me through PND after DS) or if he was just a compulsive liar we could get him into therapy. But I fear that it goes so much further than that. I think he is a sociopath (after a lot of reading) and the only advice for dealing with a sociopath is to get as far away from them as possible.

Not sure what I want from this thread. I just needed to get this down. Any thoughts or advice is welcomed. Though please be gentle. I post on relationships occasionally, I have been in 3 abusive relationships, when I got with him it really felt like I had broken the cycle. :(

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

What is he living on if he's not working?

[Pollydon]

So sorry your going through this, lies like that are a deal breaker IMO.

[nothinglefttogive333]

We are living on child tax credit and child benefit. He didn't claim for JSA because the letters would come and then I would find out he wasn't working.

He says he has a job again, though he was supposed to be getting paid today and didn't.

[nothinglefttogive333]

So tired of it all.

[mcmooncup]

"When confronted with the lies he gets angry but he has never hit me"

You make that sound like it is a positive. It is not a positive thing to say a partner has not hit you. It should be a given.

If you try and detach emotions as much as possible and all thoughts of single parenthood panic, do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You did not break the cycle when you met this person; it was further perpetuated.

I would suggest you get onto Womens Aid asap and talk with them. You also need to do their Freedom Programme which is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Certainly don't marry this man!.

I would make plans to leave this person because all he will ultimately do is drag you down with him and he's doing that now. There are so many flags here re this individual that I have lost count.

You cannot make anyone go to therapy if they do not ultimately want to; you cannot even begin to fix or even worse try and save someone this damaged. You did not cause this and you cannot fix this either.

[nothinglefttogive333]

I haven't been to the freedom programme but I went through something similar before.

Thing is, there were no red flags at the start. Until about 10months in it was all fine. I should have left him the first time and I fully admit that, but he's so charming and pleasant on the outside.

Its like jekyll and hyde. He has been so supportive through me being made redundant, the pregnancy, the PND. He compliments me etc etc. And then there's just this different side where it feels like I am being manipulated and he's so deceitful. I truly don't think I could have seen this any sooner.

The lies after a year coincided with a major event in his life that I know is 100% true, so I suppose I made excuses in my own head.

I know I need to leave him. He has looked up and found a hostel. Whether he will actually go, who knows.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such charming men make for dangerous lovers. They usually show their true colours around a year into the relationship.

Freedom Programme is definitely the programme I would recommend you use.

I think you were targeted by this person and has exploited all your vulnerabilities, he likely knew as well about your abusive relationships and honed in to do some more damage on you.

I would doubt very much he will actually leave you in peace, such men do not let go of their victims easily.

[nothinglefttogive333]

I agree. I know I can be a single parent. I can sort my life out and be happy without him. But I cannot make him go away completely.

I have never felt afraid of him. But I do now.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Please don't spend your child benefit and child tax credits on a grown man. They are for your child - the clue is in the name.

[nothinglefttogive333]

They are for feeding my child and providing a roof over his head.

If my DP is here he needs to eat. I don't need a lecture on how I should spend that money, thanks. Or is it that because its taxpayers money you somehow have the right to tell me how to spend it?

Its not like he is living it up.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Didn't mean to sound patronising. I'm just saying, what sort of man spends his childrens money on himself rather than getting a job.

It's not a reflection on you at all.

I get tax credits too, millions of people do - and i'd tell anyone who expected me to keep them on it to take a running jump.

You've just landed yourself a cocklodger, that's all. Is leaving him an option?

[nothinglefttogive333]

When he was unemployed before he applied for loads of jobs, went to interviews etc. I know he did because I went in the car (for something to do rather than checking.)

He isn't a layabout, and yes he is a dickhead, but he was providing for us both when I was made redundant. So I wouldn't say he is a cocklodger. He is in an agency, he got work, it ended, it does happen. You just sound a bit benefit basher tbh. Get a job isn't that easy. I have been applying for jobs since DS was 4 months.

The issue isn't the no work. Its the lies.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Not a benefit basher at all. Sorry if I sound like one.

He just doesn't sound like much of a catch. What does he bring to the relationship?

[Pigsmummy]

My step brother is the same, he moved to the lake district and he has told people that he has no family then we arranged to visit and he had to make up that there was a massive show on and there would be no where to stay. We have no idea why he would have lied that we were all dead when he speaks to his father several times a week. He has told people huge lies about having lived in South Africa, being a teacher, he has told us lies about where he is working, we believe him to have two children but he won't admit to it and I believe that he drove one mother to a breakdown. He makes out that he is very wealthy but he isn't. We have no idea why he does it and it has ruined his relationship with his family.

I don't think that your man can stop lying, how has he got to here without having been marched off to counselling or similar by a past partner/friend/family? Anyhow you know what you need to do, get rid of him and his lies. Sadly like my step brother he will find someone else to lie to.

[CinnabarRed]

I don't think that NSASMN has said anything out of line, TBH.

He was taking from your DS's CB and CTC - he could have been filling his belly from JSA if he hadn't lied.

Are in rented? Whose name?

[Pigsmummy]

Btw my step brother is also terrible with money and I am sure that there are a string of ex's that he has lived off.

[nothinglefttogive333]

Its unfair to say he is a cocklodger when the fact is that we are (were) a family. When I had no income he paid the rent on my flat and his, then we got a house together. Then he lost his job too.

Yes, he should have made a claim for JSA, but DS is his son too, he has as much right to use that money as I do.

Talking about the money/benefits is taking away from the actual issue here.

Thanks for replying. But I think I will just face this alone.

[gamerchick]

I could have written your post.. In fact I read it twice in case you are my exs girlfriend.

I spent 15 years.. long wasted years. He's 40 now and will never change.

If you're still at the defending him stage you have a while to go yet before you reach the end of your rope. But ultimately the end result will be the same, whether it's now or years down the line.

Good luck.

[nothinglefttogive333]

I can see how it looks like I am defending him. I am not.

But receiving JSA won't make me feel any less humiliated. What I spend the money on is no ones business, yet that is what is being discussed.

This is a thread about lies, deceit, mistrust. But it still gets brought back round to benefits.

[gamerchick]

It usually does... because benefits are something that happens to 'other' people mainly ;)

I got to the point with the job thing where I would insist on seeing where he works and he would take me to some random place. In reality he was sitting in some persons house all day with the bait I'd made up for him. He was generous when he could be, he was good company, he made me laugh and did his bit in the house and so on and so on. But the lies, the uncertainty and not feeling secure with anything he said took it's toll.

The slagging off I heard from the new girlfriend was highly amusing when she heard what a terrible person I was. Now she's desperately trying to find a way of getting rid of him.

It never gets better sadly.. I wish I could sat that it does.

[CinnabarRed]

You're absolutely right, how you spend your money is none of my business and I apologise.

I hope this next sentence will better explain what I'm trying to say. You wrote "We are a family". In your view maybe, but not his. Because you don't lie to the people you love, you don't make their lives harder than they need to be, you don't leave them short of money, time or respect. And he's done all of those things to you and your DS.

[CrackedNipplesSuchFun]

NSASMN hasnt been out of line at all, IMO.

Im sorry you are going through this. You sound like you know your own mind and have a strong character. Other posters have suggested some very helpful things.

[CrackedNipplesSuchFun]

This is a thread about lies, deceit, mistrust

Yes, and you have refered to his lies anout work and money. Therefore dont be suprised for people to discuss this. You cite benefits above. For people to ignore that, when you are talking about gas lighting and him being a potential sociopath, would be silly.

[PedantMarina]

No no no, nothing, it's not all about the benefits. It's about the child(ren). Depriving them to prop up somebody who could have been supporting himself (either through work or JSA, I care not) is just plain wrong.

On threads like this somebody is always going to come up with "if you stick with this man, you're going to set an example for your children that this is acceptable in a relationship". I might as well be the first on that, and bring it back to "depriving the children in order to support this - yes - cocklodger".

The lies and deceit alone are reason enough to insist he moves out - it's not like any of us disagree with you! But please don't get bogged down in semantics and discussions about benefits, etc.

What are you planning to do?