Me and my sister are at breaking point over her treatment of my nephew.

[AlmostToiletTrained]

Hi everyone.

I am a lurking occasional poster who could really do with some help. Or advice, or a kick up the backside?I?m not sure which to be honest. I didn't really know where to put this, so figured relationships was as good a place as any given the subject! Please feel free to move this if you think it would be better elsewhere.

This is probably going to be a long one, so than in advance if you make it to the end, I?ll try and keep it as brief as possible.

My sister and her partner had a baby almost three years ago. He is a complete joy. The problem is, they just have no interest. Neither of them work (not that this makes them bad people-just setting the scene) but sit around all day doing not much except for the baby?s dad smoking weed pretty much constantly. Their house is a health hazard, the little one?s bedroom is full of dirty nappies. I could go into more detail but not sure it's completely necessary to make my point.

My DP and I have our nephew as much as possible-we both work Monday-Friday but without fail pick him up every Friday and return him on Sunday evening. He comes on holiday with us and basically spends as much time as possible with us. I?m biased I know, but he is a relatively easy kid, and I love him so much. I dread Sunday evenings and taking him home. He also spends a LOT of time at a family friend?s house, to the point where my sister and her DP can go for two weeks without seeing him, as the family friend will have him when DP and I are at work, then we will take over Friday-Sunday.

I have tried everything I can think of to kick their arses into gear, but as much as I love my sister, my priority is now that little boy. Some of the things he comes out with now he can communicate better are heart-breaking.

I don?t know what to do. I feel so stuck. I don?t want to kick up so much of a fuss that they take him away from me-but I know this is so selfish I?m cringing just typing it. I also can?t sit by any longer and do nothing. Please someone point me in a direction that might help. I?m lost and just want to make things better him and I feel like I need someone from the outside looking in to help me decide what to do as I?m so confused and can?t see straight because I?m in the thick of it.

This is way more concise than I thought it would be-and thanks in advance for any replies and I?m sorry if I don?t reply for a while as I?m a wee bit busy this evening. I will be back as soon as I can, as I say, I?m a long time lurker and can't keep away!

[Vivacia]

Somebody said (I'm afraid I can't remember who) that you can only understand if you've got experience. My response was saying few of us would have experience of being in all of the roles (as I listed). Therefore most of us are just talking about our own personal or professional experience, and that's just as valid as the person who has been the neglected the child and the neglecting parent and also the adult who supports a neglected child.

[Vivacia]

So you're saying you had experience in one of the roles, saying you still have something valid to contribute and therefore agreeing with me?

[redrubyshoes]

WellWobbly

If the OP didn't hand him back on Sunday?

I think that is called 'abduction of a child'.

[Vivacia]

I don't find your contribution irksome or offensive, I apologise if I've given you that impression or if you feel I have dismissed you. I think where we differ is that I feel posters here can give valuable, helpful contributions even if they have no personal experience of this situation.

I believe that you feel personal experience is what's needed to truly understand the situation.

I'm comfortable with us having different opinions on this.

[SingingSands]

OP, I really feel your pain coming through in some of your posts, and those of your partner, it must be heartbreaking to hand back your nephew when he's so upset about going "home". As he gets older, he may also become more of a perceived burden to his parents, and there might be the risk of abuse as well as neglect. You are well placed to keep a close eye on the family, but you are right that things have gone far enough and intervention of some kind is needed.

MrsdeVere gives some good advice on this thread, I'm afraid I can't offer anything practical, I just wanted to champion you and say that I hope you can make a difference to this family, but especially to your nephew as he is an innocent child caught in a dreadful situation.

Good luck.

[yamsareyammy]

I also agree that Ruby's post was very valid indeed.
When you or anyone adopts or fosters a child long term, you are adopting him in this case through all the years.
A 3 year old child, is not the same as a 14 year old.

Absolutely not saying you should not do it. Far from it.
But unfortuneately, dont automatically expect thanks.
He may, he may not thank you. He may even hate you, at least on the surface. He may end up saying "you took me away from my real parents". Who knows.

Dont want to put you off at all though.
Good Luck.

[yamsareyammy]

MrsDeVere. Up to the op of course, and you, but I do not see any reason for you to leave this thread.

[filee777]

Sorry but if it were me i would probably say something like 'He's not feeling too well tonight so i'll keep him for a few days' and then just keep hold of him. Possibly mentioned to social services what you have done and they will go and investigate the house before he is to go back there.

I certainly wouldnt be returning him to a neglectful environment when i could offer him a lovely home with me.

I would keep hold of him, get the social involved and let them decide whether it is an appropriate environment for him to return to.

[steppemum]

Op I think you and your partner are amazing.

But I suspect that if you involve SS the process may look something like this

ss visit and make lists of recommendations as to things parents need to do
eg, clean up house, stop smoking weed in front of child, attend parenting courses, get child into pre-school, support visits to monitor and help situation etc etc over a fairly long period.

The long term result of that may be that sister and her partner sort themselves out a bit and get a bit more together, enough for ss to be satisfied that they are OK and they keep monitoring them, but in the end the child stays with them.

Of course the threat of loosing him may be a wake up call and they decide they actually don't want to loose him, so will do the minimum ss ask for in order to keep him.

I know quite a number of children who live in circumstances that are seriously below standard, not what you would want for any child, but not actually bad enough to remove child.

Just warning you that ss involvement may not mean that he is removed at all, and if it causes break down in relationship with your sister, then you may not be able to continue the contact you have.

[laeiou]

OP - what an upsetting situation. Obviously you know your sister best. If you didn't have the conversion yet, I wonder if people on the adoption and fostering board could give some useful advice on how to broach this and what your options are.

Best wishes.

[Vivacia]

But you do get informal fostering/adopting. That isn't illegal.

[filee777]

@MrsDeVere

Not if they have agreed the child can stay for an extra week or so, in that situation SS would arrange to have someone visit the family before the time when the child would be returned.

I am not suggesting run off with him, I am suggesting telling the family he is comfortable and happy and staying for an additional week and then using that time to contact SS and get a child protection plan put in place.

That way the immediate issue is solved (the boy is not returned to a neglectful environment) and the long-term issue is dealt with by professional people.

[Quangle]

mrsdevere your posts on this thread are excellent and you obviously speak from the heart.

I just wanted to add the caveat that if the OP's Dsis puts up a fight, it can be very hard for social services to insist that the child be taken away. Social workers will always try very hard to keep a child with its parents, even inadequate parents, and even when there's a much better option offering itself so easily, because, as Mrsdevere says, it's the most traumatic experience for a child to be taken away from its birth parents.

My mum was a social worker so although my knowledge through her is not recent, the situations she encountered were often much worse than the one described here. Slovenly, lazy parents who smoke weed and show little interest in their child are, sadly, very common. There would usually need to be more active damage, iykwim. It's not something I agree with necessarily - but I think this is the prevailing situation.

Best of luck to you OP and OP's DP. You sound lovely and are obviously wanting to do the right thing. I really hope you get the chance to make a big difference to this little boy's life.

[Quangle]

xpost with steppemum - and her good point about SS intervention possibly making it more difficult to see Dnephew.

[yamsareyammy]

filee, you are not a professional in this field are you I presume?
Because surely, for your plan to work, the parents would have to agree in the first instance[because you cannot take someone else's child away without permission], ss would have to roll up within say 10 days[they dont work to someelse's timetable], all for the sake of having the nephew away from the situation 10 days early? And then assume that the op can keep him till a decision from ss is reached.

[filee777]

No I'm not a professional, I have never suggested I am.

I just think there must be a way to help the poor love quickly. Perhaps an informal arrangement would be better?

[sipofwine]

As with some others on here, I have worked in situations where children live in situations as bad and, unfortunately, far worse than this. It is heartbreaking. I am so happy for this particular little boy that he has such a loving auntie (and her very nice-sounding partner). I really hope you get full custody. What is your sister thinking of? It's so sad hearing about these situations but heartening that he has you. Please keep us updated OP?