Me and my sister are at breaking point over her treatment of my nephew.

[AlmostToiletTrained]

Hi everyone.

I am a lurking occasional poster who could really do with some help. Or advice, or a kick up the backside?I?m not sure which to be honest. I didn't really know where to put this, so figured relationships was as good a place as any given the subject! Please feel free to move this if you think it would be better elsewhere.

This is probably going to be a long one, so than in advance if you make it to the end, I?ll try and keep it as brief as possible.

My sister and her partner had a baby almost three years ago. He is a complete joy. The problem is, they just have no interest. Neither of them work (not that this makes them bad people-just setting the scene) but sit around all day doing not much except for the baby?s dad smoking weed pretty much constantly. Their house is a health hazard, the little one?s bedroom is full of dirty nappies. I could go into more detail but not sure it's completely necessary to make my point.

My DP and I have our nephew as much as possible-we both work Monday-Friday but without fail pick him up every Friday and return him on Sunday evening. He comes on holiday with us and basically spends as much time as possible with us. I?m biased I know, but he is a relatively easy kid, and I love him so much. I dread Sunday evenings and taking him home. He also spends a LOT of time at a family friend?s house, to the point where my sister and her DP can go for two weeks without seeing him, as the family friend will have him when DP and I are at work, then we will take over Friday-Sunday.

I have tried everything I can think of to kick their arses into gear, but as much as I love my sister, my priority is now that little boy. Some of the things he comes out with now he can communicate better are heart-breaking.

I don?t know what to do. I feel so stuck. I don?t want to kick up so much of a fuss that they take him away from me-but I know this is so selfish I?m cringing just typing it. I also can?t sit by any longer and do nothing. Please someone point me in a direction that might help. I?m lost and just want to make things better him and I feel like I need someone from the outside looking in to help me decide what to do as I?m so confused and can?t see straight because I?m in the thick of it.

This is way more concise than I thought it would be-and thanks in advance for any replies and I?m sorry if I don?t reply for a while as I?m a wee bit busy this evening. I will be back as soon as I can, as I say, I?m a long time lurker and can't keep away!

[Rossi24601]

Hi I'm the OPs partner - firstly, thanks very much for all your advice so far.

As the OP has said - we regularly look after him and we love doing so - sometimes I think perhaps we need to step away and not let them presume we're having him for the weekend - in case they feel like the HAVE to let us have him. But when we don't mention anything, he gets passed on elsewhere, or we get a call asking if we could have him - so it's not that.

Sunday nights are hard - handing him back over when he doesn't want to go and we don't want him to.

Something needs sorting, but my main worry is if we approach them - they're the sort of people who would say "You're never seeing him again" just out of spite and then he'd not have the time with us which he enjoys and gets out to do things.... I don't want to appear selfish by worrying about that - yes I'd miss having him around - but if nothing changed, it would be for nothing.

It's becoming harder and harder to sit back and not go nuts at them though. The other week after a lovely weekend at ours - park, cafe, just normal stuff - we took him back, I went in the bedroom and there was NOWHERE on the floor to play, just junk everywhere. I was so close to going through and kicking off at them, but that would have achieved nothing apart from make us seem the bad guys in all this. So I had a bit of a tidy, gave him a hug and had a play with him.

I just feel like he's putting up with a rubbish life when he deserves so much better.....

[Nooneelseisallowedafergus]

Children need stability. I would hate to have to hand my children over to someone who neglected them. It would be torturous. This is what you have to do every Sunday night.

Maybe, approaching them gently, with positive rather than negative. So... we love having him so much, and we know how he gets under your feet, how about he just stays with us so you can get on doing what you need to without him bothering you? And whenever you like you can come and visit him at ours or take him out for lovely days out (realise this won't be happening btw). We would feel honoured to look after him for you. What do you think? We could trial it for the holidays and see how things are come September?

Then you are not accusing them of anything, and he can be removed from that abusive environment without a huge shit storm erupting. Failing that, Ss. He deserves a better life than they are prepared to give him.

[Rossi24601]

It's horrible - Sunday evenings usually mean all three of us upset, but it's worth it to get him away for a couple of days. He changes over the course of a few days with us too - becomes less timid, more confident.

Possibly - it's a good suggestion....just don't want to be accused of trying to steal him from them if they don't consider anything to be wrong.

I agree - he deserves better.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

I do hope your sister is amenable. And that they don't have any more kids.

[Rossi24601]

Thanks for the link MrsDeVere, we will take a look at that.

It's not something we're taking lightly at all - we've given it serious thought with regard to finances, practicalities and everything - it's definitely not something we're taking at all lightly.

The whole situation is just totally wrong.

[redrubyshoes]

Thank you for your support MrsDeVere

Mine was not an impulse post made in ignorance. It is from years of experience that has been bitter sweet. My reference to John Lennon's upbringing had a point and it mirrored many other stories I have seen/heard from children in similar circumstances to his. I used his familiar name that's all. Taken from his mother to live with his aunt.

The child in the future will not necessarily thank you for your intervention but I am convinced your intentions are totally and completely honest and based on love and a genuine and real need to help your nephew.

Good luck OP and I really, really do mean that.

[Vivacia]

Ruby wasn't saying, "think carefully about the implications" she was saying, "your nephew will hate you when he's 14 because so did John Lennon".

I wouldn't expect any child to thank me for ensuring their well being and I doubt the OPs would either.

[Ipsissima]

I think several of us advised that the decision needed to be considered very carefully

[Vivacia]

Few of us will have been through the process though - how many of us have been both the negligent parent, the neglected child and the auntie and uncle who step in? We can still bring understanding and advice to the OPs based on our limited, personal or professional experience.

I found Ruby's initial posting blunt, aggressive, unhelpful and a little illogical. It left me wondering, "OK, the nephew may have questions and anger when he's 14, so are you advising the OP to just walk away?".

[AlmostToiletTrained]

You've all given me lots and lots to think about-on the back of this thread I've had a look at loads of websites in my dinner hour and printed off loads of stuff to pick through later on when I get home. My eyes are hurting from looking at a screen all day and I thought it might be "nicer" to have something tangible to hold onto this evening-even if that something is just huge amounts of paper with useful words printed on. I have also printed off this thread, I'm not sure why I've done that other than your words are so encouraging I'm just glad to be able to carry it with me and read whenever I want, regardless of phone battery/bosses looking over my shoulder etc etc. I will come back and post a longer update when time allows, I am shattered and worn down with thinking today.

I am thinking very carefully about future repercussions, of course I am. What they will be are at the moment I obviously cannot say or predict with any ease, which makes weighing things up very very difficult obviously. I know it's easy for me to say that I'm willing to take DN on. I know the reality will be very very different. I know he will have questions. However the question I definitely won't be able to answer at 14 is "Aunty ATT, why didn't you do more for me?" What I want though is for my sister and her DP to realise what the hell they are doing and wise up before it's too late. I love DN so much I think I'm going to burst with it at times, and because of that I'd just love for them to get their act together and become the family I think he deserves. That would be the best possible outcome for everyone, that goes without saying. I am just overwhelmed by everything this evening.

As I said, I'll come back and type some more personalised responses soon, as all these posts are ace, but I'm packing up to leave work as I type and really cannot wait to get home to my sofa this evening. How is it only Wednesday??

[2468Motorway]

Mrs DV, you are so wise

'The biggest trauma that a child can experience is being removed from it's birth parents. Even crap ones.'

So true.

[Vivacia]

I'm not clear why you addressed that post to me MrsDV

[NeverQuiteSure]

I'm afraid I've only read the first page of this thread and skim read the next 2 as I only have a few minutes to spare, but wanted to say that, it has been my experience that social services will activity try and place a child (for both fostering and adoption) within the family.

My DH and I (sadly) have experience of being asked to consider this for a comparatively distant relative. I don't want to post further details on a public forum, but will send you a PM.

[Vivacia]

I didn't realise because you didn't respond to anything I'd said (worried that sounds sarcastic, it's not meant to!).

[Wellwobbly]

What would happen if you just ... didn't hand him back on Sundays?

Would they notice? Why don't you ask them?

Please record everything in your diary for social services.

[Vivacia]

I wasn't sure about Well's idea, but it might be worth just saying one Friday, "We'd love to have him for the full week if that's a help to you?". But then there'll never be any security for any of them.

[Vivacia]

MrsDV at the risk of boring you and everyone else, I didn't see how your 18:33 responded to my 17:15.