Why do us girls bother with relationships when they cause so much hassle?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think many of us hold out for the ideal love that we see in the films but goodness; this forum has made me wonder 'is it all worth it?''

Things I don't miss about being with a bloke;
Putting up with addictions such as pot.
Jealousy
Having to compromise
Emotional abuse
worrying about being left.
Worrying about unplanned pregnancy.
The bad break-ups.

I don't even miss sex a great deal although I think the intimacy and hugs are nice.

[GreenSkittles]

I have been single for ten years, from my mid twenties to mid thirties. It took me a long time and a lot of energy to get out of an abusive relationship, and I was in no hurry to get into another one, I just wanted to focus on bringing up my DS.

I didn't trust my judgement as I had thought my ex was a lovely guy, until suddenly he wasn't.

After about five years I changed from being afraid to just being so content with how I live that it would feel like an inconvenience to merge my life with someone else's.

As far as sex goes, I had my first ever orgasm within a year of single life, so I can honestly say my sex life is better alone than it was with a man in my bed!

[RestingUnderTheSun]

The fact of the matter is some of us choose not to bow down to societal pressures and live our lives the way we choose as opposed to how society thinks we should.

I think this is a very different issue to what the OP was talking about. A list like that one makes me think 'Oh all relationships with men are like this. There is too much to loose to get into that sort of thing so I won't do it'.

Which tbh if you are in a relationship with a man that isn't suitable to you, then it makes perfect sense.

But I think there are lots of ways not to bow down to societal pressure.
Eg: men act like children but not doing things properly..... You can bow down to societal pressure and do it for them instead and then act like a martyr 'Oh look at what I have to put with again. He is so childish/iddle/selfish'.
Or you can refuse to accept it and be assertive about it.
Interestingly enough, I found that once you start refusing to accept these societal pressure that women do this and men don't, a lot (most?) men will raise to it.
Whatever you do in your own home is your problem and should be a place where you can refuse to follow all these norms. And somewhere where you can change things too.

BTW, I do agree that women can be just as much of a pain than men and would imposed all the things described by the OP to their (men) partners. Actually I am pretty sure that homosexual couples would probably say the same thing about their own partners.
It's not an issue about men. It's an issue about the ability of human beings to live together harmoniously.
But we still do it because we are social beings and because being cared for, being touched is something essential to human life and mental/emotional health.

[Dahlen]

Why do people marry/live with fuckwits? Because there's a lot of them around.

Half of all relationships break down. Of the half that are left, a good many of them will be unhappy or dysfunctional in some way.

The idea that a happy, functioning, mutually rewarding relationship is out there if you just make better choices is a complete myth. Those relationships exist, sure (I am the product of one), but they are in a small minority - they are not inevitable if you are just a better, wiser person.

[peteypiranha]

I dont think thats true dahlen. I always go for men with similar personalities. I get on with all my exes, and am friends/still speak to most of them. I have never had a controlling, jealous, horrible person, all of them have treated me well. Its the type of men I go for.

[peteypiranha]

Of all the people I know who have a history of poor relationshi. ps they all go for similar personalities in men. They think they can change them, they will change when they are married or have kids blah blah blah, they have a really poor radar for noticing things most people would, and that the whole universe can see except for themselves. Then they take ages to get out the relationship, and 6 months later they are with someone who is showing signs of being exactly the same again but they wilk be different to bob, joe, paul, john and all the other men who were crap boyfriends

[FiftyShadesofGreyMatter]

Another happy singleton here

[RestingUnderTheSun]

Dahlen, maybe maybe, the problem lies with the women in the relationship too?

For a relationship to work, you need the input from both people and for both partners to act in a reasonable way.
It certainly not a question of one person being 'good' and one 'bad'.

[Dahlen]

Resting my last post was deliberately gender free. I don't think men have the monopoly on fuckwittery at all.

I think a big part of the problem is that people have totally unrealistic expectations of marriage and relationships. I also feel that the cost of living actually makes this situation worse - lots of people move in together far too quickly because they realise it makes economic sense without asking themselves would this actually be what they want if money was no object.

But all that said, it remains the case that women tend to suffer more than men when it come to bad relationships. This isn't because men are somehow 'worse', it is because society is structured in a way that puts men's needs above a woman's when it comes to the family. It's why, for example, the gender pay gap doesn't really apply before children, but impacts massively so afterwards (because mum nearly always takes the career hit by being primary carer).

[equinox]

Well I have just this morning texted my last potential boyfriend to let him know not to contact me again.

I was feeling so much calmer and slept easier in my bed before I met him this was back in mid June so very recently. I have had to cut off contact today before I get in any deeper.

Not sure why I keep attracting sick men!! The poor man has MS albeit he has full mobility still (he is 48) I had had such high hopes for us too he was into pagan topics just like me and was highly intellectual very well travelled and intelligent just the qualities I like. It was just his story with his wife who he is allegedly separating from did not add up one jot and when probed more on this very recently guess what no word from him for two weeks!! So that's me consigned to singledom for a while longer .....!!

Can the next bloke I meet please please NOT be sick! And have already separated from the wife! Usually I only meet up with single men I had just made an exception in his case.

I will now go and sulk for a few hours lol.

[CuChullain]

TheSecondComing

Relationships can (and should) enhance your life, not BE your life and not make it worse. I think unless you are 'sorted' in your own life you will struggle to add to anyone else's, and vice versa.

Very well said

[Trills]

I object to your use of "us girls", as if it is only ever men who bring bad behaviour or bad habits to relationships.

[jessjessjess]

What Trills said. This is needlessly sexist. Your issue has been with your choice of partners, not men as an entire gender. This really irks me. I am the career obsessive in my house and DH does most of the housework.

"Having to compromise" is a basic tenet of any relationship.

"Worrying about being left" is an issue with your self-esteem.

I am hiding this thread now as it has irritated me so much.

[libertine73]

Fair play jess and I have to agree that the 'men are such children, I don't know any women who are so childish in a relationship' comment has boiled my piss a bit, as I'm the immature irresponsible one!My DP is stone cold steady, and although we both work hard in what we do,I'm always the first to crack open the wine, or want to piss off to a festival at the earliest opportunity. Just wanted to say that.

[maleview70]

Maybe women are not as childish but I've come accross many who are needy, insecure, spoilt, jealous, angry, hurtful possessive and one was physically violent. Like you say it's not just men.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Ok. I didn't like the way I used 'girls' too. I mean this to apply to people of all genders and sexual orientations.
I do agree that it is nice to be cared for and touched etc. Intimacy is lovely but ime many men care about me until they realise that relationships take work and that I don't necessarily agree with everything they say.

[Zynda]

Occasionally i long for a relationship with a good humoured decent clever man who is good company, and not trying to date women decades younger than himself, but the man I want does NOT exist I remind myself, not in single form anyway.

I'm aware that society might judge me as less. But I feel more. I am not one half of something. I'm all of it. I've got through years on my own unsupported, and I'm still sane, good humoured, normal, content..... so, yeh, feel more as a single person. But I know society doesn't share that view.

[equinox]

I agree with the above that half the relationships out there aren't happy and a great deal of women I have observed are to my mind overcompromising. However at my son's school I do witness quite a number of happy relationships and I do envy them that I can honestly say out of the 4 men I have lived with I was not sufficiently happy with any of them.

This was despite the second relationship which involved a lovely man with a good education and great job and lots of common sense he still did not feel 'enough' he was more left brain and I am more right brain shall I say. At least he did not have an evil bone in his body unlike the other 3 who had a nasty side to them.

I think from now on I will only date men who are in a good job and not on the sick as they tend to be happier within and with a good education as a well trained mind as this is a big plus for me and I like the academic type.

Men tend not to be too happy with themselves when they can't hold down a job as they are on the sick e.g. having taken an early pension. I have met so many people unable to work for some unknown reason. I really must mix more evenings and weekends but owing to being short of childcare funds this is sometimes a distant dream!

[Selba]

the problem as I see it is that being in love and having great sex is possibly the best feeling in the world . Sadly it's a rare state to be in and does not often last.

That is also why normally sane people have affairs.
it's like a drug

[peteypiranha]

Of course great sex and being in love can last for the rest of your life.

[maleview70]

Not for most people.

[Selba]

yes it's chasing the dream of great sex/ being in love forever that keeps us pursuing relationships.

[peteypiranha]

I dont see why it shouldnt stay the same and you stay loved up and having great sex. You only live once.

[Dahlen]

Chemically, it's not possible to retain that initial lust. If you look at the physical chemistry of what happens when we first fall in love/lust, there are different hormones involved compared to those that help us form bonds and stay together long term. Of course it's possible to love someone for the rest of your life and of course it's possible to remain feeling sexually attracted to that same person for the rest of your life, but it's not the same. IMO it can be better for some people, but it's simply the case that our bodies cannot sustain that initial hormone cascade for that long. To do so would result in early death due to hormonal overload putting a strain on various organs.

Add to that the problems that can be faced by children and sleep deprivation, money worries, work stresses, elderly parents, etc., staying loved up is a mean feat for many. IF you can nurture your relationship well then it will certainly sustain you through that, but IME it's actually quite rare for both people to take that approach. What tends to happen more frequently is that one person takes it out on the other, or one person makes all the effort and the other gets into the habit of taking.

I'm not a cynic. I believe in love and I believe in healthy relationships - I've seen them in action. I would stake my mortgage on the fact that they are a minority though and I maintain that it is far better to be on your own than in a bad or merely unhappy (unless transiently only) relationship.

[peteypiranha]

Its easy to stay loved up. If you snog, kiss, touch, hold hands, have lots of sex then you feel lustful towards your partner.

Stresses are easied, and relieved by doing this. Everything seems less stressful when your loved up.