Why do us girls bother with relationships when they cause so much hassle?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think many of us hold out for the ideal love that we see in the films but goodness; this forum has made me wonder 'is it all worth it?''

Things I don't miss about being with a bloke;
Putting up with addictions such as pot.
Jealousy
Having to compromise
Emotional abuse
worrying about being left.
Worrying about unplanned pregnancy.
The bad break-ups.

I don't even miss sex a great deal although I think the intimacy and hugs are nice.

[burberryqueen]

The point would have been the same had she said women, ladies, females, vagina owners......
no it wouldn't that is the thing, or I would have let it slide, as I do with e.g. "girls night out"

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Currently asking myself the very same question.

Not sure it's really worth it at all. Think I was happier living on my own with DS and having a few dates to look forward to every now and then.

I don't know if it's just me..... but I've found the men I've lived with (just two!) far less agreeable to compromise, far less able to adjust to considering the other person, and basically wanting me to fit in around them.

I've found similar traits in those I've dated.

Is it just the men I'm attracted to, or is this a more general trait? Is it possibly something to do with our societal norms and being more used to having a 'man of the house'??

I don't know. I do know that out of the (not too) numerous men I've dated, I'm yet to find someone who knows much about the idea of partnership!!

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Think that actually might say more about me than anything else

[Ezio]

I've been single for 4 years, tried to get into relationships, but i just cant be arsed.

I used to being single now, dont think i take having a man.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've been single for 18 years now and 'CBA' sort of covers it. Yes, I've had a few boyfriends down the centuries & even managed to conceive along the way which worked out better than I expected. I don't mind the odd overnighter and a few have seemed like longer-term prospects but when they start rearranging my towels, leaving cupboard doors open or (shudders at the memory) switching MY television to some football match, then they're asked to leave.

[Ezio]

Thats my bug bear Cognito, the remote control is mine, and only mine, men dont like that.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

I would look at it the other way too. Things I would miss not being with a man:

• Having someone to share things with (discussion, new things you've seen, pleasure you got from x day out etc...).
  
• Being able to share the load re the dcs
  
• Having more freedom to do what I really want to do rather than what I have to do (eg I can afford to have my own business and take it easy because we share finances whereas I would never have been able to that dream job otherwise)
  
• Security that comes with being 2 adults supporting each other rather just one. I think it applies to financial situation, emotional ones etc...
  

What I don't feel

• worried about being left. I used to. We went through a very bad patch and I have learnt that actually I can function wo a man in my life and I can do well. So staying with him wasn't a 'I can't do anything else. I have no choice' but a choice to be with that man even though I would have chosen not to.
  
• Emotional abuse. Again, some of it can be 'managed' and handled (ie it looks like emotional abuse but is more of a twat behaviour that can be changed). So I have learnt the art of being assertive instead of putting up with stuff (see above, all coming form the fear of being left). Proper abusive stuff, I would leave.
  

-Jealousy. Comes from fear again and the feeling that, rightly or wrongly, you can't trust that person. If you really can't, why on earth staying with him?

And the worst thing is that I don't think we have anywhere the 'perfect' relationship that we are so often sold.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

CBA ???

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Can't Be Arsed.. :)

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I don't think 'girls' makes us sound like victims of men. What it does is make us sound like children, which we're not.

superstarheartbreaker one big problem is the level of compromise expected in some relationships, which is effectively just men expecting everything to happen their way - as per your examples of someone moving to the bloke's town and uprooting their kids, etc.

Having kids is a game changer here too, because in many relationships, as soon a baby arrives all sorts of sacrifices 'compromises' are expected of the woman which totally pass the man by.

[Dahlen]

I think it's mostly social norms. The whole of our society is based around the nuclear family being the building block, so as soon as you step outside that model you are made to feel like an outsider.

That is changing now, of course, which is generally a good thing I think. Family should mean all sorts of set-ups as long as they are healthy ones that meet the needs of those within them, but that is still far from the mainstream.

The nuclear family has traditionally been very good for men and for children. Far less so for women, who, as a result, have been brainwashed into thinking that happiness and fulfilment lies in family. Our roles are defined in relation to others far more so than are mens. We are wives and mothers first, whereas men are or keen first and husbands and fathers second.

It's only when you've had a taste of what life is like for many men that you realise how different life can be if we were free from those constraints. I have been single for many years and would no longer put up with even a 10th of the crap I have put up with "for the relationship" in the past. So much so that even though I am now in a (not living together) relationship with a lovely man, I still find myself wondering if it's worth it.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

but you see, my DH was exactly like this. His job took precedence above and over everything else, incl family.
but he learnt this wasn't acceptable once I stopped allowing him to do so.
And I also learnt that I could put my own 'needs' work wise first too. ie he is the one who will have to make an effort so that I can develop my own career at this moment in time. I can and should ask as long as it is sustainable for the family as a whole (and good for all of us too).

I think that what is really difficult is that most women think they want to be equal to men. That we should all have the 'rights' etc... but then are happy to pander to their DH in the name of love.
So he goes out for a work dinner, she looks after the dcs, put everything on hold. but she goes out for a work dinner and she prepares the evening meal for him and the dcs as 'poor DH' will be on his own in the evening, looking after his won dcs....

And yes there is the issue of the nuclear family which means that single women are by default the ones to take on most the childcare with very little support available. Either from the dad or from family/friends/bigger community. It doesn't help.

[equinox]

burberryqueen I honestly do not know where you have been in life to not have clocked on to the fact that by and large women are more giving than men and are more willing to make adjustments and sacrifices whereas men are generally far more selfish and about their own agenda.

Really I cannot believe you have not noticed this you must have led a very innocent life!!

[equinox]

By the way Dahlen well said!!

[Bant]

Things I don't miss about being with a woman;

Putting up with addictions such as online shopping.
Jealousy
Having to compromise
Passive aggressive sulking.
Worrying about unplanned pregnancy.
The bad break-ups.
Cold feet in bed
Nightmare MIL
Unexplained crying jags
Used tea bags in the sink
Having to pay someone else's speeding tickets and parking fines
Having to listen to bloody Santana

[equinox]

Bant I can honestly say none of those apply to me out of your list apart from naturally the need to compromise which is only fair of all relationships.

We are not all nasty pieces of work out there trust me there are many fine ladies out there far more than fine men I have been around!

Single men so often have so many insurmountable issues right now I just cannot fathom it and so many other single women agree to this it is not just my perception.

HTH.

[Ezio]

Bant, im guilty of some of them just not all.

Putting up with addictions such as online shopping. Not Guilty
Jealousy Not Guilty (Unless i have reason to be)
Having to compromise Might be guilty
Passive aggressive sulking. As above
Cold feet in bed Not Guilty
Nightmare MIL Not Guilty
Used tea bags in the sink Not Guilty (Dont drink tea)
Having to pay someone else's speeding tickets and parking fines Not Guilty (Dont Speed or park like a twat)
Having to listen to bloody Santana Not Guilty (Not a fan)

[Bant]

Oh sorry, Equinox - was I overgeneralising?

Silly, silly me..

[JeffTracy]

I think Bant and Equinox sound perfect for each other

...but I wish we could get away from the "men are like this, women are like that". CBA to defend my gender - I know some are arses, but not all.

Love a bit of Santana by the way...

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I don't have my copy of "Wifework" to hand, but there are interesting statistics in there that illustrate the general point that relationships benefit men and disadvantage women, emotionally speaking.

One of the more interesting ones, to me, was the percentage of depression in married women (high), versus divorced women (low), which was pretty much inverted for men, who get their emotional needs catered to by another adult when they are in a relationship, but fall into depression when that relationship (and that source of emotional support) ends. While relationships appear to be an emotional drain for women, as a cohort.

We have very screwed up relationship models in this society. It seems insane that 2 adults would fall into the roles of emotional "giver" and "taker", when those roles really only seem appropriate in the parent-child relationship.

[Dahlen]

I'm pleased the world is changing. The constraints on gender in our society are just as restrictive for men as they are for women. There are many men out there who would love, for example, to play the role of primary carer for their DC. There are many men who would be happy for their DWs/Ps to be the primary earner. Society still treats such men as social oddities, although with backhanded praise, although it is improving, while men still find it harder to discover self-esteem if they are not working than do women because male identity remains massively culturally endorsed through work life and experiences rather than family.

This isn't about sex chromosomes. Men are not inherently more selfish than women IMO - I don't think there is much of a gender difference in character traits like that. But society still encourages men to define themselves through work/interests while it encourages women to define themselves through family. That inevitably leads to more women than men making sacrifices for family life.

The best example I can think of to illustrate this is a recent one I saw in a newspaper. Parents had a premature son who spent some time in SBCU. To say thank you, dad goes off on a charity jaunt to raise money. All very laudable, except mum is at home doing the far less glamorous but vital role of caring for newly released child. Who do you think will get the most accolades and the exciting experience?

[SummersHere]

Well I'm one of those rare women who don't bother with the hassle of a relationship. I've been in longterm relationships, short term and spent lengthy periods single, most recently the last 5 years. I don't know a single woman other than myself who prefers the single life and does'nt have that need for a man.
I just prefer not being in a relationship and living my life exactly how I wish.
I don't think I could do compromise anymore and there's no chance I'd ever clean up after another adult
I have a very busy life with family/friends/ds, a house and business to run. I think trying to sustain a relationship on top of that would be exhausting!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I don't know a single woman other than myself who prefers the single life "

[equinox]

One area I have noticed since having my son 8 years ago is that men always get far more FREEDOM than the women once the child is born unless we have family support we have kind of had it.

I have scarcely socialised much over these years which has impacted on my wellbeing immensely owing to the cost of childcare although I plan to bring the changes in shortly and just go out on e.g. home improvements (may have to run more of a tip slowly lol) as my mental health cannot stand being a prisoner inside my own home any longer!! The brief reason for no family support is my parents are deceased and I never had any siblings so it is all on my shoulders ....!

I used to quite envy my ex when he left the house those early few months we were still together once our lovely child was born - he was never happier than putting his cap on and getting out there into the big wide world again lucky sod!!

It just seems so fundamentally unfair that women have to overadapt once the child is born and moreover overcompromise with their spouse if they wish to remain wedded/cohabiting. And then certain religious fanatics argue there is a God out there! A patriarchal being who is in charge of us underlings whom we are supposed to look up to. Really it defies all reasoning!

[superstarheartbreaker]

I think I would love the single life more if there wasn't this insiduous pressure from society to be in a couple; everything from marriage tax to holidays being cheaper for couples etc.
Mind you it is quite fun being a rebel and annoying everyone by saying ''I can't be arsed, I'd rather be single at the moment or I don't need a man' and being able to cope alone. People just don't get it with women an dyet for men (generalisation) noone blinks an eyelid if they are single.