Alone - just got dumped

[TheEarlOf]

Using the word dumped doesn't sound quite the right word, sounds very teenagery but essentially that's it. It's a fairly long-term relationship c.5 years but the only one I've ever been in.

Apparently it's not my fault, it's just a life-change that i'm basically not compatabile with. He still loves me but doesn't wnat to be in a relatioship with me and will still be there to support me (I have some 'issues').

I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Help. Suggestions. I'm stuck. I'm crying evrywhere, all over my laptop (and not good tears like the strangers kidness thread). I have a important meetig and big dinner tomorrow and so much to do but I can't do anything. Ah. (Am I just being pathetic?)

[TheEarlOf]

Another nice live update

me:
i dont get the emotional distinction between bff and relationship
him: I can't explain
me: try
him:
does it matter?
i want to be there for you still
i know you like talking to me
and i do love talking to you too
we have so much fun
i dont want that to change
i dont see why it should change
i feel i can tell you everything and ditto you with me
that shouldnt change

I should just stop talking to him. this isn't making sense.Hope he never finds this thread, which I highly doubt he would as MN is not a place he's likely to frequent

[colditz]

Say no to him. Find some outrage. He fucking dumped you over fucking FACEBOOK. He actually deserves penile warts. Tell him to fuck off.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

The more he says, the more I feel confident he's found someone else to have sex with :(

What would it matter if he read the thread? (not that I think he will)

[MeNeedShoes]

^^ what colditz said. Have a hug OP. You'll get through x

[TheEarlOf]

colditz You definitely have some good advice. It's just so difficult :(
He won't leave me alone and it's not helping

most recent message:
i know you prob wont want to but if you want to see me on thurs we can still do that
if u want to chat
i am here for you whenever you need me
its up to you
we could go for a coffee
i want us to be able to see each other like that
maybe you dont feel up for it yet
but i want us eventually to be at that stage
do you know what i mean/


ChippingInWiredOnCoffee I don't want to defend him on that point but he is the most straightforward person, if that makes sense, on things like this. If he had found someone else he probably would have told me (although I am doubting myself now). If I say anything or ask about it then it just sounds like sour grapes ex-gf.

[ImperialBlether]

The thing is, if you stay friends with him, he can feel good about himself. Don't let him.

Send a message saying, "Why on earth would I want to stay friends with someone who, after five years together, has dumped me on Facebook? I feel as though I don't know you. In fact, if I'd known this was the person you are, I would have dumped you years ago. Now leave me alone."

Then block him and delete all your emails (both to and from.) This is VERY hard to do but is very, very cathartic. Why not even delete the email address and start again with a new one? I found that a big help. It's really hard to stay resolved when you can read loving emails.

[TheEarlOf]

ImperialBlether you are so right
You are all so right, I NEED to cut contact.
The reason I'm not taking a sleeping pill now is beacuse I've promised myself not to speak to him again after tonight and I'm seeing how long I ca make tonight.

[ImperialBlether]

It's already tomorrow.

Turn off your phone and laptop or whatever.

Take a sleeping pill if it will help.

Find the most boring book you have and read it until you sleep.

When you wake up you will be single and fancy free and about to embark on a huge adventure.

[thefrozensouth]

I got dumped in a similar way 6 months ago after 7 year tosser

I cut contact completely - difficult, but the only way to move on and retain your dignity. I joined things, accepted any invitation however unpromising, got fit, and generally estabished myself as a single person again.

I think of him now and then, but now consider I had a lucky escape.

You'll be fine - wallow for a while, then keep busy and most importantly cut all contact.

[TheEarlOf]

Ohh I'm finding it so difficult I really am :( I'm going to need some serious hand holding please

What did you do to stop making contact?

[TheEarlOf]

I'm so tempted

[TheEarlOf]

Loving the stages of grief. Am alternating through anger, denial and potentially bargaining but i know it won't get me anywhere.

[thefrozensouth]

I deleted him from my life - phone, email, FB. Chucked out everything related to him. Didn't go near anywhere he might be. Didn't ask mutual friends about him.

He did phone me once after a few months to ask how I was, he said, - I told him I was fine and busy and hung up.

Send him the message Imperial suggested - its spot on. Why should he feel good?

Now get some sleep.

[TheEarlOf]

We have mutual friends. Lots. My only friends are mutual friends. They are mostly male and were 'his' friends first. Besides having no close friends I'm going to have no friends

Sorry for wittering on about mindless drivel. I have tried to sleep. I can't. I'm tempted to go to the 24 hour ASDA but it's a 45 minute walk to a dodgy area and I'm living alone atm so noone would know if anything happened.

[Walkacrossthesand]

The 24 hour Asda holds nothing for you. Hell, their cafe won't even be open! Snuggle up in bed, find a book that you'd like to read again, and put thoughts of contacting him out of your mind. You'll fall asleep, tomorrow is another day. And I do hope you get the chance to send Imperial Blether's wonderful stinging text @ some point!

[TheEarlOf]

I did it. I copied and pasted your message Imperial
I just feel bad now.

[TheEarlOf]

I'm being blamed for making him sound like a dick.

Your'e probably all wondering why I'm still taking to him. I dont know.

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

How are you feeling today?

[thefrozensouth]

OP I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Keep yourself busy today - pop to Asda, do something active (walk? swim? just get out for a while), have a look in the library/community centre/whatever to see what's going on on your area - are there things (however unpromising they might seem at the moment) that you could go to/join/investigate?; have a look at //www.do-it.org.uk for volunteering opportunities in your area - great way to make new friends; eat some cake/chocolate/whatever; in fact do anything at all that keeps you occupied, but do stop talking to the twat because its stopping your recovery and the only needs its meeting are his.

Its difficult, I know, but its very possible. Plenty of us on here have done it.

Delete him from your life and you will gradually start to recover and find ways to build a new life. Continue to talk to him and you will continue to feel crap - your choice.

[Walkacrossthesand]

'You're being blamed' - by him, presumably? For 'making him sound like a dick' (for ending a 5 year rship on FB and expecting to be BFF)...Clearly he wanted to end the 'in a relationship' bit (I won't speculate here about his real reasons) while still feeling good about himself, and you were supposed to play ball. I have a horrible feeling that, if you remain in contact and do anything than feed his image of himself as The Great and Tortured One, the gloves will come off and the nastiness escalate. Close the door, look after yourself (remember - you are not his priority now) and cut contact!

[Walkacrossthesand]

Anything other than...

[AnyFucker]

God, he sounds like a self centred prick with an ego of gargantuan proportions

Stop feeding it, live your own life now

I bet you have run round after this nob for the last 5 years

Now you can stop

Delete him totally, every time he sends a message and you reply with confusion and distress his cock swells a bit more

Find some self respect

[Wellwobbly]

Are you naturally an introvert? If you are a social person I would really recommend going to work/going to the dinner.

What that does is remind you that only ONE person has rejected you, everyone else still sees you as a good person, and likes you, and that the world isn't as bad as just thinking about him makes it feel.

[worked for me, anyway]

And, remember, the universe sends you pain and a lesson to be learned for a reason. Do you think you might be a bit too dependent on one person for happiness? Is there room for rebalancing, friends and interests, so that you are NEVER this devastated again?

[Labradorwhisperer]

This is my first post on the Relationships board - so listen up ;-)

TheEarlOf - Stay strong. You are going to be fine.

You obviously saw things in him that made you happy and I know there is probably a big part of you who wants to try and stay together BUT:

All he is offering you is some horrible limbo where you will always feel more about him than he does about you. He gets a free pass to act like a single man but still gets to keep you. That is no way at all to live.

You need to move on and make a life away from him for yourself. You say you are sharing this online because you don't really have anyone else to in real life to talk to... Change that.

I know it's a cliche but take up new activities, go out and meet people. In a long distance relationship you probably had a routine as to when you would speak to each other etc. Find something else to do at those times. Plan a week of doing things you want to do. And then plan another.

Think about blocking him. If you are online a lot, it is not going to help you if he pops up every five minutes with an email or a message.

Above all else - YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. Do NOT be pressured into keeping in touch with someone who clearly does not want you in the same way.

[TheEarlOf]

Thanks for all your advice.
I'm going to attempt to potter on with my life today, doing nothing.

I think it's better for me to pretend it didn't happen and try and get on with things. I don't know if that works in the long-term and if it's just denial but I think that's how I'm going to go about things.

It's just it's come at the start of a long time without me really interacting with people. During the university term I have lots of chances to interact with people and could maybe have built up some things to do with them over the summer break but as it was I was planning to spend time with him, it being a LDR as I moved to go to uni. Anyway, I have to move on from that!