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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step families. Need advice please

57 replies

ellie1234 · 18/06/2013 18:40

This is what happened......
Weekend away with my son (age 20) and my boyfriend to see my family and friends. A lovely welcoming and close time was had by all.....we always do.
Coming home my boyfriend is worried as traffic is delaying the journey home and his daughter(age20) is cooking a Fathers Day meal for him, consequently he does not have time to drop us home (it would have added 15mns to the journey) We get to his house at 8.00pm. His daughter says she did not realise my son was with us and there is only food enough for him and me.
As a result my son sits in front room while we sit in kitchen eating!
What happened??
Should I have stood my ground?
Should boyfriend have stood his ground and found extra food and been welcoming. (which he found in freezer after we finished eating)
Should his daughter have had the nouce to have been more welcoming.
It just felt so bad after the lovely time with my family.....or am I expecting too much

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 10:57

When I say lift I mean lift from son number1.

OP posts:
Doha · 19/06/2013 10:58

BF is going to talk to his daughter about her excluding my son...this is a theme and has happened before, his elder daughters have both done it.

Well his DC's have history with this behaviour and obviously the apples have not fallen far from the tree.

Your son has a good point-what are you doing with these people who are happy to pretend that your son is invisible. No amount of talking from the equally guilty DP is going to help.
I think at some point you will have to choose who is more important to you. I am amazed that you don't see the situation as bleakly as your son as from where l am sitting it is bloody awful.

Xales · 19/06/2013 10:59

OK there is more to this. You do not stay in a relationship where your son is frequently excluded.

Even at 20 you put your family over selfish nasty people. Your BF getting upset distracts and does not deal with.

People treating your son like this and refusing to amend their behavior is a deal breaker.

annh · 19/06/2013 11:02

Your bf comes off very badly out of this. His faffing around makes you late in leaving for his home, he ails to tell you that you have been invited to the meal (in fact, had you not been so delayed he was going to drop you home beforehand? When were you going to be invited in that case?), fails to get food out of the freezer for your son and lets him sit in the living room while you all eat. I feel sorry for your poor son and think his comment on lack of generosity in their spirit is very restrained.

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2013 11:11

How can you argue with "They have no generosity of spirit"? You may not feel they treat you like that but clearly they treat your son like that.

Take his side. Dump them all. Tell them why and then give him a hug and tell him you are always on his side and anyone who doesn't treat him well is not a friend of yours.

I am really angry on his behalf and angry at you that you can be friends with these people.

Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 11:14

I know you are all right it saddens me so much.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 19/06/2013 11:16

Your bf comes off very badly out of this

The boyfriend came off badly the first time he treated the son like this.

After that point, it's the OP that is shown in a bad light for allowing it to continue. Sorry.

My issue is how can I tell BF that he was also guilty in the whole affair.....he should have taken us home

I still don't understand why he had to take you home.

annh · 19/06/2013 11:21

Why are you letting your bf speak to his daughter about how your son was treated? He obviously didn't see a problem with it in the first place or he would have insisted on getting the extra food from the freezer, dividing up the portions, not springing the meal on you in the first place etc. Now you have abdicated the responsibility for expressing your son's feelings to him, why are YOU not speaking to his daughter? What do you think he is going to say to her - oh ellie1234 is making a big fuss about this, sorry darling? And why are you seemingly afraid to speak to him about his behaviour, particularly if it is a ongoing problem?

Doha · 19/06/2013 11:26

Well do something about it Ellie1234

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2013 11:29

The sort of man you'd want to get involved with would sit your son at the table and insist on sharing everything between four of you. The idea of him sitting in another room on his own is really, really awful.

Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 11:51

Hey mumsnetters. I have acknowledged I did the wrong thing by not standing by my son and I know I allow myself to be walked on in my real life but please don't walk on me in my virtual life (Doha)
Numberlock. My BF should have dropped us off on the way back from our weekend away. He could have left us at the roadside with our suitcases in the middle of the country and just the number for a taxi: he may be thoughtless but he's not that bad

OP posts:
sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 11:55

It was a horrible situation. Nobody was able to say lets sort this out with a bit of love and humour....
Please note that although I use the term step family we live in seperate houses...
My son is fed up i know he is wondering what we are doing with these people who are so different to us. He just says 'they have no generosity in their spirit'

sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 11:56

x-post, sorry.

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2013 12:04

You don't have to be grateful he didn't leave you at the roadside!

Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:20

ImperialBlether. Did I say I was grateful??

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:32

Sweetpeasunday. Thank you for your honesty. It is obvious from many of the postings on Mumsnet that people are working out their angries by expecting other people to behave in the way they have behaved and thus validate their feelings....but I don't think that applies to you! What you say rings true

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:35

Sweetpea and yes my son is lovely. He is full of empathy

OP posts:
ReginaPhilangie · 19/06/2013 12:36

Why couldn't everyone just have a smaller meal so it shared between all of you equally? Confused That's what we do in out house if we have an unexpected guest. To leave your poor son in the living room whilst you're all eating in the kitchen is very rude and really quite nasty TBH.

Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 13:02

Thank you Regina. You are right

OP posts:
Cerisier · 19/06/2013 14:36

Once you reached his house you should have taken over the driving and driven your DS home while leaving BF with his daughter.

Then you could have driven back to your BF's and joined them for coffee after the meal.

If you are not on the insurance for his car- get this sorted so you can drive his car if anything happens again.

Original poster
ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 14:44

I'm not on the insurance of his car and won't be. That's another tale

OP posts:
sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 15:00

ellie, it is hard. The thing that stopped me ending it for quite some time was that DD was also good friends with DSD and I was worried she would lose that friendship. But in the end, the behaviour became such that I could not ignore it, or explain it away, and if I had, I would have been colluding. And DD was more important (as was I).

It sounds like there may well be more going on here than just one incident, so maybe take a step back, give yourself and DS some space and assess the situation. Is it really what you want?

By the way, I also have a son, who is from the marriage I just left, which additionally complicated matters. He is much younger than yours, but I really hope he turns into a lovely young man full of empathy, who recognises when someone lacks generosity of spirit . You should be proud of him, and you have obviously taught him good values.

And last comment, most of my angries went when I ended it. Life is much simpler. It would have been nice if it had been different, but it wasn't.

Doha · 19/06/2013 20:36

Hey mumsnetters. I have acknowledged I did the wrong thing by not standing by my son and I know I allow myself to be walked on in my real life but please don't walk on me in my virtual life (Doha)

Umm where have l walked on you *ellie1224 !!!!!Confused

Cerisier · 20/06/2013 01:05

It sounds like there is poor organisation and poor communication skills at work here. Plus a lack of manners.

Personally I couldn't live like that.

Are you serious about this man? He doesn't sound very nice. Why can't you be on his car insurance?

Original poster
ellie1234 · 20/06/2013 06:02

Doha
Well do something about it Ellie1234.......sounds like an order that has been shouted to me!! Prior to that thank you for posting.
Sweetpea. Thank you for your insight. I need time to think about the many implications.....

OP posts: