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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Step families. Need advice please

57 replies

ellie1234 · 18/06/2013 18:40

This is what happened......
Weekend away with my son (age 20) and my boyfriend to see my family and friends. A lovely welcoming and close time was had by all.....we always do.
Coming home my boyfriend is worried as traffic is delaying the journey home and his daughter(age20) is cooking a Fathers Day meal for him, consequently he does not have time to drop us home (it would have added 15mns to the journey) We get to his house at 8.00pm. His daughter says she did not realise my son was with us and there is only food enough for him and me.
As a result my son sits in front room while we sit in kitchen eating!
What happened??
Should I have stood my ground?
Should boyfriend have stood his ground and found extra food and been welcoming. (which he found in freezer after we finished eating)
Should his daughter have had the nouce to have been more welcoming.
It just felt so bad after the lovely time with my family.....or am I expecting too much

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ellie1234 · 20/06/2013 22:11

Apology accepted . Thank you Doha, your apology was sincere and I am sorry I took it the wrong way

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Doha · 20/06/2013 15:23

Ellie l am so sorry if you thought l was shouting, that was honestly not my intention .

seagull61 · 20/06/2013 08:59

Ellie - I would move this to step parents where you can get advice with MN-ers who are step parents in RL and understand these situations all too well. Fathers day has been a big topic this week! (And some of the MNers on here self declare they wear "judging pants" ... less than ideal)

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 20/06/2013 08:48

Fault lies mostly with the person or people who were two hours late.

Once it was obvious that I was going to be seriously late, I would have called the DD, told her how late things were, that we would be coming straight there and was there anything she could do to feed an extra mouth? If you were two hours late, there was plenty of time to let her know what was going on. If there was no way she could have made additional food (which is possible, I wouldn't always have sufficient in my house), YOU could have offered to get something en route.

Sorry, but I think you put the DD in an awkward position that didn't need to occur. I am not saying the result was ideal and couldn't have been better (either of the two 'adults' could have simply said, let's just share ours out but NEITHER of you did it).

I think it's a bit rich blaming the DD when you could have done something about it yourself. The later drip feeding of other things about this family seem to suggest either wider issues (in which case, the example above is relatively nothing) or fabrication to get more people singing to your hymnsheet.

ellie1234 · 20/06/2013 08:14

Thank you justinBsMum for providing a wider view and suggesting its a molehill not a mountain.

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JustinBsMum · 20/06/2013 07:13

I don't know - seems there is much history here we dont' know about. DP is scared to speak to DD as she will throw a wobbly? But despite her temperament you are 2 hours late! Your family are loving and welcoming but theirs is unkind (your view of treatment of DS)? But are you feeding DS (who is prob old enough to make up his own mind) your views about DstepD. If they are both 20 can't see why they can't forge a relationship, if DstepD is jealous or disapproving of your relationship can't you have an open discussion to try to come to some decision about the future. We don't know how you came to where you are now, is there rancour between DP and his ex upsetting Dstepd?

How long have you been with DP? Should you cut DstepD some slack? Sounds to me like she is trying to be nice. Not her fault you brought DS. Are you making mountain out of molehill - I would just put it behind me and forget about it, but as said above, what is the history?

Numberlock · 20/06/2013 06:56

I love threads like this. Ask for advice, then turn on the posters because they must have 'angries' whatever they are!

ellie1234 · 20/06/2013 06:02

Doha
Well do something about it Ellie1234.......sounds like an order that has been shouted to me!! Prior to that thank you for posting.
Sweetpea. Thank you for your insight. I need time to think about the many implications.....

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Cerisier · 20/06/2013 01:05

It sounds like there is poor organisation and poor communication skills at work here. Plus a lack of manners.

Personally I couldn't live like that.

Are you serious about this man? He doesn't sound very nice. Why can't you be on his car insurance?

Doha · 19/06/2013 20:36

Hey mumsnetters. I have acknowledged I did the wrong thing by not standing by my son and I know I allow myself to be walked on in my real life but please don't walk on me in my virtual life (Doha)

Umm where have l walked on you *ellie1224 !!!!!

sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 15:00

ellie, it is hard. The thing that stopped me ending it for quite some time was that DD was also good friends with DSD and I was worried she would lose that friendship. But in the end, the behaviour became such that I could not ignore it, or explain it away, and if I had, I would have been colluding. And DD was more important (as was I).

It sounds like there may well be more going on here than just one incident, so maybe take a step back, give yourself and DS some space and assess the situation. Is it really what you want?

By the way, I also have a son, who is from the marriage I just left, which additionally complicated matters. He is much younger than yours, but I really hope he turns into a lovely young man full of empathy, who recognises when someone lacks generosity of spirit . You should be proud of him, and you have obviously taught him good values.

And last comment, most of my angries went when I ended it. Life is much simpler. It would have been nice if it had been different, but it wasn't.

ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 14:44

I'm not on the insurance of his car and won't be. That's another tale

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Cerisier · 19/06/2013 14:36

Once you reached his house you should have taken over the driving and driven your DS home while leaving BF with his daughter.

Then you could have driven back to your BF's and joined them for coffee after the meal.

If you are not on the insurance for his car- get this sorted so you can drive his car if anything happens again.

ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 13:02

Thank you Regina. You are right

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ReginaPhilangie · 19/06/2013 12:36

Why couldn't everyone just have a smaller meal so it shared between all of you equally? That's what we do in out house if we have an unexpected guest. To leave your poor son in the living room whilst you're all eating in the kitchen is very rude and really quite nasty TBH.

ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:35

Sweetpea and yes my son is lovely. He is full of empathy

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ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:32

Sweetpeasunday. Thank you for your honesty. It is obvious from many of the postings on Mumsnet that people are working out their angries by expecting other people to behave in the way they have behaved and thus validate their feelings....but I don't think that applies to you! What you say rings true

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ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 12:20

ImperialBlether. Did I say I was grateful??

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ImperialBlether · 19/06/2013 12:04

You don't have to be grateful he didn't leave you at the roadside!

sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 11:56

x-post, sorry.

sweetpeasunday · 19/06/2013 11:55

It was a horrible situation. Nobody was able to say lets sort this out with a bit of love and humour....
Please note that although I use the term step family we live in seperate houses...
My son is fed up i know he is wondering what we are doing with these people who are so different to us. He just says 'they have no generosity in their spirit'

ellie1234 · 19/06/2013 11:51

Hey mumsnetters. I have acknowledged I did the wrong thing by not standing by my son and I know I allow myself to be walked on in my real life but please don't walk on me in my virtual life (Doha)
Numberlock. My BF should have dropped us off on the way back from our weekend away. He could have left us at the roadside with our suitcases in the middle of the country and just the number for a taxi: he may be thoughtless but he's not that bad

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ImperialBlether · 19/06/2013 11:29

The sort of man you'd want to get involved with would sit your son at the table and insist on sharing everything between four of you. The idea of him sitting in another room on his own is really, really awful.

Doha · 19/06/2013 11:26

Well do something about it Ellie1234

annh · 19/06/2013 11:21

Why are you letting your bf speak to his daughter about how your son was treated? He obviously didn't see a problem with it in the first place or he would have insisted on getting the extra food from the freezer, dividing up the portions, not springing the meal on you in the first place etc. Now you have abdicated the responsibility for expressing your son's feelings to him, why are YOU not speaking to his daughter? What do you think he is going to say to her - oh ellie1234 is making a big fuss about this, sorry darling? And why are you seemingly afraid to speak to him about his behaviour, particularly if it is a ongoing problem?

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