Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

[HollieHelen]

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we?d do, having more kids ? but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it?s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work ?
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can?t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

[LadyMaiBlossom]

Does the OM snore?

Can you imagen all the hurt to people you care about just to find out he snores and you have a few years of not sleeping before he cheats sgain on you?

So not worth it.

[Weegiemum]

Dh and I are coming out of the end of the real intense parenting (pausing to take a deep breath before getting into teenagers!!!)

It all got a bit mundane etc over the last 3 years (dc are now 13,11,9, so from about when they were 10,8,6 - lots of transporting, organising etc and dd2 (youngest) had a temporary disability, now resolved afterv6 years).

We've both had depression, and I've developed a lifelong neurological disability. But you know, we've made the effort (and yes, for both of us it's been an effort) to be "us", even when it was hard.

I lived through my parents divorce. I'm prepared to work hard enough (and he's worth it, my dh is an awesome guy, a GP committed to his patients, a son committed to his parents, a father committed to his 3 children and a husband totally committed to me!) to make our marriage, despite the up and downs something I'm happy in!

[Distrustinggirlnow]

OP you've had some good advice and by the sounds of it you're taking it on board.

I won't bang on about stuff that has been suggested up thread, but just want to emphasise three points for you to consider...

1. If when your DH finds out he may decide that he can't come to terms with you cheating and leave. Just like that
2. The MN advice when someone discovers their partner is cheating is to ask them to leave, even if only temporarily, to give them time to think. He may therefore ask you to leave.

And 3. OMs DW may discover your affair. She will already be suspicious, trust me. She may confront you, that will be messy. She may tell your DH what is going on. She may forward onto him the texts and/or emails that she has discovered.

It's naive to think you will get away with this so please act now, because there's a very real chance you will loose everything.

[springymater]

I'm finding it hard to start this post without breaking talk guidelines.

Yes, your husband does seem somewhat two-dimensional in your story. Why is that? Read this thread to get some taste of the immense pain people go through when they discover their spouse/partner has cheated. You need to do your research, I guess, to pop your bubble.

Get real, sweetheart. He cheated on you once - was your heart broken? that'll be NOTHING when if he does it to you again - maybe leaves you 'at the alter' as it were, doesn't go through with your dewey plan; or gets a roving eye somewhere down the line. He cheats. Repeatedly. He's told you who he is - listen.

He's cheating on his wife. THINK ABOUT THAT.

I can't help thinking your soulmate stuff is pure bullshit. YOu're bored? go to a therapist and find out why you're bored, what bored means to you, particularly. Put in the effort instead of tripping off into the sunset with the prince among men, who cheats. Repeatedly.

Have you not done the deed because you think that by not doing it you haven't technically cheated? How self-delusion works, if so.

This is real and this is serious. You have to get that.

[paulapantsdown]

Heres another scenario for you OP. This is what happened to my friend.

Married 15 years, bored. EA with bloke at work "her soulmate". She confided in me and I BEGGED her to stop before it went too far. I told her to just stop contact, change phone etc etc. She said she would. Two months later, sexual affair begins - her infatuation increases and its like talking to a 15 year old.

Again, I beg her to stop before she is found out.

She gets found out - husband suspects something up and checks her phone and finds lovey dovey texts. It all blows up in her face, husband leaves, OM runs scared and teenage daughter devastated.

Fast forward 4 years, husband now in new happy relationship, teenager self harming and in therapy for depression and my freind is desperately lonely and full of regret and guilt. Her life is totally fucked and she wishes she could turn back the clock and appreciate her 'boring' husband.

[ABigMess]

Hi Hollie,
I was in a very similar situation (but with no DCs) 6 months ago so feel like I have some perspective.
Firstly, looking back I realise that at this stage I didn't have a clear picture of either relationship. My relationship with DH, even though nothing changed from the outside, was damaged by the amount of time I spent talking/ texting/ visiting the OM and not with him. All those thoughts of "DH doesn't get me as much as OM" are coloured by this as you are sharing your most personal self with OM, not DH. My relationship with OH felt "soulmate" like because you are both able to project exactly what you want onto it, because you're not in each others real lives. Plus I think you project the soulmate crap into it to justify it to yourself.
What I decided to do was as someone above suggested; give myself a year to invest in my marriage without using OH to plug the gaps. It was one of the hardest things I've done, but I'm sure it was the right thing. I am loads more happy with DH because I am putting more effort into being loving, and addressing issues rather than getting cross about them and projecting them onto "if I was with OH...".
It was incredibly hard to begin with. I am confident in my decision, and confident that I will now be with DH forever, but that doesn't stop the fantasies and fear that I could've been happier. It takes strength of mind to stop yourself when your mind wanders to OH. You have to find something to fill the brain space; new hobbies, exercise etc.
Contrary to what others have said, and I'm not saying I'd recommend this, but OH and I have stayed in touch, very irregularly and never in person/ speaking, but maybe a text once a month. It's still raw now, and others will probably blast me for this, but I do really hope one day we'll be friends again.
Good luck Hollie, and remember you are in control here. All of the "I can't control myself" stuff is shit; feelings are one thing but you have a choice about how you act, don't try to dress it up in anything other than your own choices.
X

[springymater]

ime (just saying!) men who get a bucket of cold water chucked over them, mid sniffing up your skirt, turn off like a switch - just. like. that.

I'm sure you'll bleat that it's not like that, that you really do love one another and he is holding off the sex to prove it blah de blah de blah. Sorry but that's bullshit. Sex is on his radar big time.

So the 'I love you! I'm in love with you! I've always been in love with you! All my life/ever since I met you!' is really 'I want to fuck you'.

Sorry to be so animal about this but you're kidding yourself if you don't see that this is a huge component of what is going on for him, at least. If not you, too.

[LineRunner]

Anne Boleyn.

That turned out well.

[GenericDietCola]

End the affair. You need to give your marriage a serious go before you earn the right to consider leaving your husband and disrupting your DC's lives.

[Spice17]

The only thing I would like to add is that my 'D'F had an affair that resulted in him and DM divorcing.

I would have respected him SO MUCH MORE if he had just told my DM that he wasn't happy/didn't love her any more and hey had separated that way.

I find it hard to hold him in any kind of high regard any more and the poor man has really tried but it's almost like the Dad I thought I knew, with his faults and good qualities, died and there's no going back from that in my mind - EVER

What's that Phillip Larkin Poem? Something like 'They fuck you up your Mum and Dad, they don't mean to but they do' So think carefully OP.

[HollieHelen]

Thank you everyone. This is giving me a much needed wake-up call. It's hard to take but I know you're right.
OM texted me 4 hours ago and I haven't replied yet. This probably sounds like nothing but I normally reply within a minute. I have no idea what to do now as I don't want to hurt him either (though know that sounds crazy). But head space is needed.
HH

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

18 years ago he was a cheat.

Nowadays he is a cheat.

If you don't stop this, he will have turned you into a cheat.

These strong feelings this obsession you have, are for a man who has already cheated on you.

From what you say about your DH, he deserves to be treated better than this.

There is some very good and thoughtful advice on this thread. To help you get on and decide quickly instead of prolonging the agony, I suggest you have another read through the whole thread.

There are so many difficulties ahead if you end your marriage to be with him, not least the fact you live in different parts of the country, so somebody's children are going to be hurt by not having regular contact with one of their parents. Will they be yours? Or his? Because somebody's children are going to lose out big time.

Perhaps, if you decide to end this affair, and go cold turkey about it, you could then go and have some counselling on your own to help you sort your head out. Tell your DH you have a got a few things bothering you and you need to go to counselling. Then, you can help yourself to get over it so you can start to put all of yourself back into your marriage.

[frogwatcher42]

'If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness. '

What about the kids happiness? Is your happiness more important than theirs? My thoughts are that you give them 19 years of your life then do what you want - its not a lot in real terms.

I was really badly affected by my parents divorce. I pretended to cope and fooled everybody by my happiness and laid back style. Many years of on and off counselling later I can safely say I have never forgiven my dad for leaving. Funnily enough both my parents say the grass wasnt greener and regret their decisions, as do my dmil and dfil who also split and remarried.

I thought most kids managed it better than me. But I have been horrified at the number of my dc's friends that have actually told them how lucky they are having a mum and dad living together. I have even had two break down and cry at the dinner table when over for tea, as the parents have split within the past couple of years and it is still raw. Their parents think they are fine but one minute they were laughing with us all and the next crying.

Split if things are terrible and the kids are suffering. But imo don't if not - the kids come first.

[Dozer]

about your comment about resenting the kids. I can't abide the selfish, entitled "I just had to put my own happiness first" (at children's expense) bollocks. You are hurting your children already, and could hurt them much much more if this goes on.

You don't know if OM is your "soulmate", but (even if you believe in soulmates) it's unlikely, more likely he's got flaws like anyone else, and your lurve and shared fantasies (more DC! What the actual fuck? What about the wellbeing of the DC you already have!) wouldn't last five minutes after the bucket of water springy describes.

If you left your H to be with OM, and OM was up for that (not likely) where would you live? Would you uproot the DC (and take them away from their - loving and caring - father) or expect OM to leave his behind? Ridiculous to think it could work out.

Putting this silly, unreal romance above your DC would be selfish and cruel.

If you want to end your marriage, fair enough. But don't fuck up the DC's lives by doing it in a shitty way and bringing OM into it.

[Branleuse]

hes not your soulmate. Youre just really into him at the moment. Hes not your husband and he will never be your partner.

your family dont deserve to be cheated on.

[HollieHelen]

I know in my heart what I should do. I think I do need counselling as it's scared me how easy it's become to lead a double life and it's hard to work out what my true feelings are. Is it possible to go through a midlife crisis in your early 30s?

[HollieHelen]

Not trying to make excuses for OM but when he cheated before we were really young (teenage) so very different circumstances. I don't think he will ever leave his DW and I think I have been more into this whole thing than him. It is really my problem and I have to be the one to sort it.
HH

[eatmydust]

If you really did feel 'sick with guilt about kids' you wouldn't be in contact with this man.

You need to wake up quickly before you destroy your family and cause an immense amount of hurt to innocent people. Alternatively - carry on and have a good time, but you'll have to live with the outcome.

If your marraige isn't right -talk to your DH and work to improve it. If you can't improve it then leave. You don't just throw things away that are broken but can be mended and replace them with a cheap subsitute - or maybe you do????

[scaevola]

This isn't a mid life crisis. There's no need to dress it up in fancy terms. It's simple. You fancied someone else and acted on it.

If you mean to break off your affair, just I it. Send him a reply saying that you have realised that what you are doing is wrong and you have no desire to continue. Your DH and shower the most important things in your life and you are going to devote yourself to being the wife and mother they deserve. You expect OM to respect your wishes and never make contact again.

If you can't face doing that, then you really do need to think about ending your marriage.

What you mustn't do is nothing.

[frogwatcher42]

Hollie - is it too harsh to suggest that you just forget about your own feelings and accept that you have a family relying on you and that you need to concentrate on thinking about them. If you accept that then you won't need to work out what your feelings are and lets be honest as a mum you have commitments that come first.

I reckon we could all over-think our situations with our dh/dps, kids, 'boring lives', responsibilities etc etc. The conclusion would be that for loads of us we would feel unfulfilled, bored, or any manner of negatives. Being a wife, mother, daughter, friend etc all takes its toll. But it is what we chose and our kids didnt ask to be born.

You can have a life crisis at any point - it doesnt have to be mid life.

[HollieHelen]

Don't know where to start talking to DH about improving the marriage? Mentioning OM would cause DH needless hurt and he would lose all respect for me which we need to carry on. Or should I just work on improving my side of things as this is none of DH's doing?

[Heavywheezing]

Soulmate? Please grow up.

[ABigMess]

Hi Hollie.
Sounds like you've made a really good decision. The next bit is hard though. I had some online counselling with relate when I was coming up to ending my affair (you can access this free on their website), and one of the things that they said was that it would feel like a loss, a grief, and just because you know you have been "bad" and don't deserve any sympathy doesn't mean it will be easier. Your grief here is the consequence of your actions and there's no easy way to deal with it.
I'm sure lots of people will blast me, and I'm not suggesting we should feel sorry for you... But do feel free to PM if you want some non-judgey listening.

[frogwatcher42]

Work on both. Concentrate on the things you like with DH as you have been pretty positive about him so far from what I can remember. And concentrate on him as the dc father.

Accept that marriages can get a bit dull and life can get dull with children! Get hobbies, get time with dh, spend time all together having fun.

I have no idea what to advise really and hopefully somebody better will come along - I just know that my marriage has good times and very bad times, fun time and dull as dishwater times all lasting a long time! I also know that I cant put my happiness first unless dh was dreadful (having affair, abusive or a bad father etc). And I have got happy again and more contented again. It seems to go in stages.