husband always drinking

[Dorange]

My H works very hard but whenever he is off work he is drinking at home (goes to pub occasionally). He never gets drunk but I find it not necessary and expensive. Probably makes him lazy too. Even though he does stuff around the house he could probably be more active. For example: last Sunday there was a spring festival I was looking forward to go to. He was in two minds if he would come or not. I let him know that I intended to be very busy walking around, checking everything and meeting people. He decided to stay at home and even though he did a lot of housework he was drinking alone (didn't get drunk). I got home and told him I met his mate at the pub I went to (to meet a friend) after I saw the whole of the festival. He than was slightly annoyed he missed the opportunity (not to see te friend nor the festival) but the opportunity to go to a pub. I drink very occasionally with a meal and just can't understand the need to drink at any time if you are not working. Rant over.

[Dorange]

Whenever I talk about separation since it is clearly we aren't happy together, he gets really hurt and never agrees. We don't own anything, we leave with relative comfort but the 3 of us would have worse living condition if separated. I knows this isn't enough reason to stay, but we are not looking to have other relationship with other people so it sounds sensible to stay together. He says he still loves me and wants to stay and keeping trying. I would be willing o stay if he opens himself up to do something else with his life a part from work and drink and actually having fun while doing it since when there isn't drinking involved (like my child's birthday, he doesn't enjoy himself). But I don't know if there is any fixing for the lack of sexual attraction from me? So, should we try counselling to improve communication or it would be a waste of time? As he isn't ready for separation, it will cause more pain and resentment than necessary...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I can't say whether it's a waste of time to go the counselling route or not. All I can judge from what you've described is that you're wasting time now. Something has to change and I'm sorry but all the stuff about loving you and keep trying just rings rather hollow. Equally the concept of 'fixing' sexual attraction is incredibly difficult because it's an emotion... not a rational process at all. If I stood you in a room with 10 men, picked one out for you at random and said 'go to counselling with this man until you find him sexy...' you'd look at me like I'd gone nuts. You either fancy someone or you don't.

And then separation. There's pain and resentment whether you stay together or split up. He will never be 'ready'. There's no good outcome here... so you have to plump for the least worst.

[Dorange]

I hear. I would rather he didn't use the I love you card and were willing to face the situation. I just wish he could behave like an adult. I will rock the boat and be perceived like the bad one while he can play the victm game.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' are two of the most meaningless phrases in the English language IMHO. Actions speak louder than words. As for bad guys and victims... you have to rise above that kind of childish stuff. Taking responsibility often means doing unpopular things...

[Dorange]

I don't want to think I'm responsible for this mess but I can see the roots of the problem is me no being attracted sexually and my withdraw of affection. Its hard for him to understand that he play a big part for the change of my feelings/my lack of respect and admiration for him and he thinks it is just a matter of forgiving/forgetting/leaving in the past. Well, I'm trying but I can't just do it. Probably because I don't love him as a husband and that is the truth.

[Dorange]

But I don't think I want to separate though. I just want him to be a normal person who can be excited about going to a Local Spring Arts Festival and have a good time even if there is no alcohol involved. He asked if I wanted him to come and my honest answer was 'whatever'. I wanted him to come because he wanted to, because it is a nice thing to do on a sunday. Much better than staying at home drinking and watching TV. But that is my way of life. Am I not accepting him for who he is?

[Snorbs]

What he says is one thing. What he does is another. If the two don't match up - eg, he says he loves you but he treats you as if you are irrelevant to him - then pay more attention to his actions rather than his words.

I could be wrong but I don't think Cogito was talking about taking responsibility for how you two have ended up where you have ended up. Rather, I think it's more about taking responsibility for your future.

[Snorbs]

I just want him to be a normal person who can be excited about going to a Local Spring Arts Festival and have a good time even if there is no alcohol involved.

You want him to be someone different to who he really is. You don't have the right to insist that he lives his life the way you want him to. You don't have the right to insist that he is the husband you think he could or should be. All the time you're sitting there thinking about how he should want to do this or should want to do that you're ignoring the reality that, quite simply, he doesn't want to do what you want to do.

That leaves you with several choices. You could choose to simply go and do what you want to do regardless of whether he comes along or not. Go to the Arts Festival, take your daughter, have fun, talk to interesting people. Take up hobbies that occupy your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment. Let him sit and get pissed all the time if that's what he wants to do.

Al Anon (the friends and family off-shoot of Alcoholics Anonymous) call this "Detachment with love". You carry on making the most of your life and if there are times when your husband wants to join in then great but, if not, you're still getting out there and doing what you want. That's one option.

Another option is to think "sod that for a game of soldiers" and think that if you're doing that you're pretty much just living the life of a single parent anyway so you might as well go the whole hog and leave him. That way at least you have the chance of going on to form a relationship with someone new who doesn't drain the life out of you.

Or you could carry on hoping that one day he'll wake up and start seeing the world through your eyes and decide to change. All the time you're playing the "wait and hope" game, your life is slowly trickling through your fingers.

How long are you prepared to wait in hope that he will magically change from the selfish drunk that he is into the caring and involved husband you think he should be? You've given him seven years to change and he hasn't managed it yet. How much more of your life are you willing to let go by?

This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is the one life you're going to get. Use it wisely.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Am I not accepting him for who he is?"

(Snorbs was right about me meaning taking responsibility for yourself) As for accepting people...to a point. No two people are exactly the same, occasionally 'opposites attract' and it works, but when the differences get too great or too annoying then what you're looking at is 'incompatibility' ... and then only a fool would accept that as a way of life.

[Shakey1500]

Cracking post from Snorbs

[Dorange]

he says he loves you but he treats you as if you are irrelevant to him
This was true in the past. The past that I am not able to let go. He has being putting in a lot of effort lately. Real change. I am the one who treats him as irrelevant at present.

You could choose to simply go and do what you want to do regardless of whether he comes along or not
This is what I have being doing, always, even before getting pregnant, I travelled with friends whit out him...also because he works shifts, and sometimes weekends, it means I can never plan that much with him in mind anyway so I usually plan to myself and my DC only and I am so used to it that I don't really mind uf he doesn't come. Bust when is a special occasion or when I can't/won't take DC with me, he takes time off work.

take up hobbies that occupy your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment. Let him sit and get pissed all the time if that's what he wants to do
This is one of the areas I am working to improve. I am doing a new course to enhance ,my skills at work place, took up 2 new hobbies, re-joining a spiritual group and even looking at more classes however it is still difficult to attend since he work shifts.

another option is to think "sod that for a game of soldiers" and think that if you're doing that you're pretty much just living the life of a single parent anyway so you might as well go the whole hog and leave him. That way at least you have the chance of going on to form a relationship with someone new who doesn't drain the life out of you
I think about it a lot, but I want to be careful. Most of the time it doesn't seem it is the right time yet, even though we are unhappy. Or maybe I am also just creating excuses.

or you could carry on hoping that one day he'll wake up and start seeing the world through your eyes and decide to change. All the time you're playing the "wait and hope" game, your life is slowly trickling through your fingers
Maybe if I carry on leaving my way and let him leave his own way, he will be the one regretting his waste of time later in life...

how long are you prepared to wait in hope that he will magically change from the selfish drunk that he is into the caring and involved husband you think he should be? You've given him seven years to change and he hasn't managed it yet. How much more of your life are you willing to let go by?
He has managed to change in those 7 years. It is a lot better than it was before. He isn't a drunk. He tries to be more caring and affectionate I shut him off.

but when the differences get too great or too annoying then what you're looking at is 'incompatibility' ... and then only a fool would accept that as a way of life.
This was exactly the point i was trying to make during the last conversation. I am sure this is in his head and he is processing it. I need to set up a occasion for a conversation. But we need to talk a lot more before I just demand separation or divorce. I need him to understand me better.

[Dorange]

Thank you all so much for your wise advice and for taking the time to answer me.