my mum told my DCs I hate them (long)

[pretenditsnotme]

I have name changed because my background makes me easy to identify.

Background: I have never been close to my mum, growing up she could be very controlling over clothes and friends and she put a lot of pressure on me to act a certain way. I moved out as soon as I could and only really see her a few times a year. My younger brother and sister have done the same as me. However she has always been a good grandmother she buys them treats and enjoys her time with them and has always been kind and loving towards them.

I was involved in a car crash 8 years ago. I was in the car with my eldest DS (2) and DD who was a baby at the time. It wasn't my fault a drunk driver drove into the side of my car at a junction. My DS was killed and it was/is very hard for me and my DH.

I was very scared of driving for ages and although I started driving myself a year ago I still get very nervous when I have others in the car, mainly my DCs.
Today my mum was having a small house party for my step-dad. They only live down the road so DH suggested I drive to get used to having my DCS in the car. I agreed so I drove to the house and when I parked up outside my mum came running out to make a fuss of my DCs until she saw that it was me driving.
She then stopped and started asking why I was driving, and what was I thinking. I just told her that it was fine and we went inside.
An hour later I caught her in the kitchen with my DD (now 9) telling her how dangerous it was to be in a car with me and telling her that I would kill everyone. DD was upset so I told her to go and find DH and we would go home.
My mum started shouting saying that I must hate my DCs to put their lives in danger. She said I was an unfit mother and started saying that I killed my DS.
We left and she kept shouting as we were driving off.
My DD was terrified as were my other DCs. We got home and I explained to them that their grandma was upset and she was being silly, that I loved them and so on.

DH has taken the DCs out to the park and my mum keeps calling. I have no idea what to do because my DCS love her but I don't want her around them ever again.
So WWYD? Because I feel so lost and let down by her behaviour.

[alcibiades]

Such revolting behaviour by your mother. She sounds an utterly self-absorbed person. Presumably it was more important to her to spout her disgusting views than to care about the emotional effect on a 9-year-old.

Cutting contact completely is the best thing to do - especially as it would show your DD that you won't tolerate such nasty behaviour towards her.

BTW: You sound such a lovely person, and all the credit for that belongs to you.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

This must be so hard for you :(

[Hissy]

I think you know what you must do.

I just want to hold you so tight, you poor thing.

My heart goes out to you all. That woman is EVIL.

[SomethingOnce]

If I was trying very hard to find an explanation I'd wonder if your mother had suffered a trauma reaction to the accident and bereavement and it all spilled out today.

But, really, it was just so unbearably cruel of her to do that to you and to your daughter (who is at an age where she is not well-equipped to even begin to make sense of such appaling behaviour) that, as explanations go, it doesn't really cover it.

I'd hesitate to recommend you cut her out as it's a decision only you can make, but if that's what you choose to do it would be completely understandable. I don't think I could trust somebody again after that.

I'm sorry you had to go through this today, and I am very, very sorry for your loss.

[pretenditsnotme]

Thank you for your support.

[fromparistoberlin]

awwww no. How awful

I am so so sorry for your loss

You mother behaved disgustingly, you know that 56 posts later I am sure

but again, so sad for what happended OP xxxx

[whiteandyellowiris]

how are you doing today? pretend its not me?

[GoodbyePorkPie]

Just echoing what everyone else has said, really. Your mum acted utterly appallingly. I would cut her out completely.

So sorry for your loss. Cannot imagine what you've been through.

[SirBoobAlot]

So sorry for your loss.

Your mother is a disgusting human being. You do not need her in your life, and if this is the impact she will have on your children, they certainly will be better off without her. Cut all ties.

[amigababy]

my mother isn't a "forceful " personality like that, but she did some things a while ago that caused me to withdraw contact. I tried once to restore it, but things got bad again. so now I have no contact.
It sounds hard but it is do -able and it gets easier. For me it has been the best thing.

so sorry you had to go through that x

[pretenditsnotme]

I am just getting on with things and keeping busy today. Making sure DD isn't to upset and so on.
luckily we have had no contact from my mum yet.

[SauceForTheGander]

Have been thinking about you today! I hope you've got lots of RL support and that your DD is feeling better.

[pretenditsnotme]

Thank you
My mum has been calling again today but we have just ignored her.

[SirBoobAlot]

Well done. Thinking of you.

[lunar1]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you sound a wonderful mum. You are doing the right thing keeping her away.

[TotallyBursar]

How dare she? I cannot fathom how deeply, deeply hurt and angry you must be. Your poor DD.

No matter her emotional state there is just no excuse.
I hope you and DH can continue to support each other and your DC through this initial stage, you couldn't have my vote any more strongly, you are doing the right thing.
You didn't deserve this at all, I wish I could make all of it go away, you've been through enough for anyone without all this.
Hugs to you all

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Pretenditsnotme, I just wanted to add my voice of outrage and my huge, huge sympathy at your dreadful loss.

[Oopla]

Pretend- as others have said above, one of the saddest posts I've seen on here. So sorry you and your family had to go through this.

Your mother is unbelievably selfish and hurtful but please watch out for what happens next. Either it will be brushed under the carpet and she will pretend nothing happened- and this is very very difficult to go back from if you fall into that scenario or she will make a huge fuss and try to play the pity card whilst pinning blame on you.

Honestly unless she turns up at your door, throws herself at your feet and begs your forgiveness, apologising for every shitty thing she ever did to you I can't see how this can be made right.

Cutting contact is hard and seems extreme but it gets easier and can be hugely liberating. Have you had any counselling since the accident or regarding your toxic mum? Am sorry for the loss of your son.

You sound a lovely and caring mum, hope your family recovers from her outburst. Xxx

[StuntGirl]

pretend I'm so very sorry for your loss.

You know you are doing the right thing by keeping your children away from your mother. She was not a good mother then and she is not a good grandmother now.

Keeo ignoring her - she doesn't deserve another chance to weasel her way into your life.

[cory]

She may be traumatised, she may not.

The fact remains that she will damage your children by messing with their minds if you give her the chance.

By all means forgive her if you want to. But don't let her near your family. Your dc are not old enough to see that she is bad for them.