my mum told my DCs I hate them (long)

[pretenditsnotme]

I have name changed because my background makes me easy to identify.

Background: I have never been close to my mum, growing up she could be very controlling over clothes and friends and she put a lot of pressure on me to act a certain way. I moved out as soon as I could and only really see her a few times a year. My younger brother and sister have done the same as me. However she has always been a good grandmother she buys them treats and enjoys her time with them and has always been kind and loving towards them.

I was involved in a car crash 8 years ago. I was in the car with my eldest DS (2) and DD who was a baby at the time. It wasn't my fault a drunk driver drove into the side of my car at a junction. My DS was killed and it was/is very hard for me and my DH.

I was very scared of driving for ages and although I started driving myself a year ago I still get very nervous when I have others in the car, mainly my DCs.
Today my mum was having a small house party for my step-dad. They only live down the road so DH suggested I drive to get used to having my DCS in the car. I agreed so I drove to the house and when I parked up outside my mum came running out to make a fuss of my DCs until she saw that it was me driving.
She then stopped and started asking why I was driving, and what was I thinking. I just told her that it was fine and we went inside.
An hour later I caught her in the kitchen with my DD (now 9) telling her how dangerous it was to be in a car with me and telling her that I would kill everyone. DD was upset so I told her to go and find DH and we would go home.
My mum started shouting saying that I must hate my DCs to put their lives in danger. She said I was an unfit mother and started saying that I killed my DS.
We left and she kept shouting as we were driving off.
My DD was terrified as were my other DCs. We got home and I explained to them that their grandma was upset and she was being silly, that I loved them and so on.

DH has taken the DCs out to the park and my mum keeps calling. I have no idea what to do because my DCS love her but I don't want her around them ever again.
So WWYD? Because I feel so lost and let down by her behaviour.

[pictish]

For her to smirch the trust your children have in you like that was nothing less than wicked.

[Loulybelle]

Thats truly unforgivable, the fact that she has tried to put fear into your DD, over something that was never your fault, actually makes me angry.

My Dsis lost her son at 11 months old, and i would spit fire if anyone dared suggest it was my sisters fault.

Its just so shockingly cruel, i think you need to cut her out, atleast for the time being.

[MoaningMingeWhingesAgain]

I'm sorry for the loss of your DS.

Your main job is to protect your children, full stop.

In this situation I think this means protecting them from contact with your mother.

What she did is malicious in the extreme. TBH the fact they 'love her' is irrelevant, she is harmful to them. They 'love her' because they don't actually know her - you know her and you make this decision, on their behalf, in their best interests.

[Featherbag]

I honestly can't see any reason for you to ever have anything to do with this woman again, her behaviour was utterly unforgivable. If you want to let her know why, put it in a letter - I can't say I'd show her even that courtesy if that was me.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

What an absolutely vile woman your mother is.

I honestly would cut her out for this. I don't see how you can ever forgive her for this.

A drunk driver drove into you. In no possible way was that your fault. It is evil of her to say what she said.

I honestly don't think she deserves to be in your children's lives. Not after that.

[Limelight]

This is probably the saddest post I've ever read on MN.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - I just can't imagine how hard it must be for you every day. And for your DM to react like that is just unforgivable. I would find it very difficult to have a relationship with her too.

[pretenditsnotme]

Thank you I shall look at the stately homes thread now.

[MummytoKatie]

Ok - I'm kind of like and adult version of your children IYSWIM. (Toxic grandparents - although nowhere near as extreme as yours.)

Seeing very little of my grandparents in my childhood didn't hurt me at all.

[FlatsInDagenham]

Agree with mummytokatie - your children will miss nothing by not having a relationship with their grandparents. You won't be doing them any favours if you maintain a relationship for their sake. Look how much your mum has upset your DD today. Unforgivable.

Hope you're ok. This is one of the most upsetting posts I have ever seen.

[whiteandyellowiris]

pretenditsnotme, i am so so sorry for your loss.
and what your "mother" has done today for me would be unforgivable
i know its tough but i would also cut contact

i lost my ds too, he died shortly after he was born due to massive heart problems, but if anyone ever said anything cruel to me about him.
that would be our relationship over, whoever that person maybe


i know you will feel the loss of your ds everyday for the rest of your life
and i am so sorry your in this shitty situation and your mother has been such a bitch
its very snidey the way she got your dd on her own in the kitchen, you cannot trust her with your children

[magimedi]

I am so sorry to here about that terrible accident & the loss of your DS.

Hard though it may be, I would cut your mother out of your life.

Easy for me to say & tough for you to do but she is just vile beyond belief.

She can give nothing good to your DC's & I so agree with the person who said:

This is probably the saddest post I've ever read on MN.

You don't need her in your life.

A huge (Un MN ) hug to you from me.

[pretenditsnotme]

I have spoken to my DD about it and she was so sad because she thought we might not love her.
We have planned a special Sunday of ice cream and BUT so she has something to look forward to.

Watching her so upset has made me realise that I don't want my mum near my DCs again.

[Lavenderhoney]

Your first instinct is right. Keep her away from them, you and your dh.

I feel so sorry for you and your family. What a dreadful thing to happen and is in no way your fault.

You don't have to answer the door, phone etc and if she won't stop harassing you call the police.

She should be deeply ashamed and leave you to make contact and even if she apologies, you can accept the apology and still not have contact. Apologising in this instance doesn't make it right. Give yourself time and space, and you and your family time and space from this dreadful influence.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Loulybelle]

No child should ever be made to feel they arent loved, your M could have really damaged the trust DD has in you.

If you do cut her out, then its a hard decision, but a right one.

[SixPackWellies]

Oh Sweetheart.

[TheChaoGoesMu]

I dont think I would be able to forgive her for saying something like that. I never ever say this, as I think family is generally worth fighting for, but in this case I think I would cut ties and never see her again. I'm so sorry.

[Lweji]

So, so sorry, in both accounts.

You are perfectly justified in telling your mum that you will not speak to her again, or at least that you don't want her around your DC ever again.
And as she's being so obnoxious, if she shows up or keeps calling, that you will call the police.

I'm sure your DD will realise that your mum is not good for your family either.

God, I'm so angry with her on your behalf and I don't even know you.

[carlywurly]

Nothing to add but more support. So sorry for what you've already been through, your mum's behaviour is utterly atrocious.

[LemonBreeland]

What a horrible situation OP. How awful for you and your dc. Definitely cut her out. You can't subject your ds to that again.

[DontmindifIdo]

You are making the right decision to keep her away from your DCs.

I wouldn't answer the phone to her or the door. If need be, put your DH as gatekeeper, i'm sure he's going to be more htan willing to tell his MIL where to go. Is your DH's family supportive? Perhaps arrange a little more with PILs over the summer so it's not as obvious the DCs aren't seeing your mother.

[BrienneOfTarth]

Sorry to just add a "here here" with nothing useful to add, but 100% agree this outburst is completely unacceptable. You must protect yourself and your children from ever having such vitriol in your vicinity again. If this can only be achieved by cutting all contact, then so be it.

[cornypedicure]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

That was a terrible thing for your mother to say.

[LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning]

I'm so sorry about your loss.

For your mum to do this is IMO unforgivable. To do that to you and your dd is Ming boggling