Why am I such a twat?

[SucksFake86]

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I go in all friendly, smile, say hi and we either get ignored or you get totally closed answers when you try and initiate any convo. I still do try every week in the hope that we'll make some friends but it just isn't working. Tried netmums and have been stood up 4 times. No idea why, we'd been chatting for a week and had stuff in common with each of the women

I don't think that's needy, that's being proactive and not sitting at home feeling sorry for herself.

[badinage]

Telling his folks and brothers what?

[SucksFake86]

He's telling them about what he's done. No idea why really but he didn't want anyone to pick up on things not being like normal. Thanks Donkey :)

[lowercase]

I have been in a similar position, I have had to create a life from scratch too...so I am speaking from experience.

Is your son really that verbose at 2 or 3 that he is asking why others don't like you?
If you don't hang out with other families how would he know what others do?
His experience is normal to him, having nothing to compare it with surely?
How can he perceive this stuff at his age?


How come you don't have any family about OP?

[badinage]

Oh he really isn't telling his family about what is a private matter - what nonsense!

Why are you so easy to bullshit?

Like lowercase, I agree that no 2 year old would be able to construct sentences like that either.

I think in all this, you're just looking for excuses to keep in touch with this bloke and are even using your son in that.

[SucksFake86]

Yes he does questions like mummy sat on own and at swimming or at the supermarket will point at other families and say daddy and then point at me and say mummy no daddy. I'm not saying he fully understands but he knows we're different.

My family have nothing to do with it, we don't get on so I don't see them.

[SucksFake86]

How can you say that when you don't know my son? I'm not saying he's a genius but he can construct simple sentences and knows the difference between men and women and how they generally look and that they're called mummy and daddy etc

[Looksgoodingravy]

I can't see how his current relationship will stand the test of time as he's still lying to his partner (poor her).

If he was trying to make a go of it he would have told her about you not some fictitious person. Unbelievable.

[Looksgoodingravy]

And the fact that you're still meeting up as 'friends' speaks volumes.

No wonder his relationship with his partner became 'distant'. He was too busy having sex chats with you!

And now he's apparently going to tell his family another pack of lies, hmm, ok!

[SucksFake86]

Distant? We've been speaking to each other for 4 months and we'd been having sex chats for a couple of weeks. They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months. I would say there relationship was distant long before I met up with him again!

His mums facebook status speaks volumes, yes I checked it.

I think this has reached it's limits and thanks for all the useful advice.

[badinage]

They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months.

That's what he says.

Doesn't make it fact.

And yet despite these claims, he's allegedly confessed all some of the story, wants to try again with her and is even going to the bother of telling his family what he's done.

Oh and failed to act on your invitation to leave his partner, sort out access and then start a relationship with you.

All for a woman with whom he doesn't have a good relationship.

Yeah, right....

[Looksgoodingravy]

According to him they haven't had sex for two years, easy to twist the truth to enable him to justify his actions.

[Xales]

Well you know he is capable of lying as he has admitted he lied to her about who you were.

So what makes you think you, someone he has talked to for only 4 months is so special that he would not lie to you about sharing a bed or sex with his partner?

If he is giving his relationship another try then the lack of sex or sharing a bed is either bull shit or something that is being accepted in them trying again.

Either way is is nothing to do with you and he should not be sharing such information with you.

Well done for setting out your demands for a relationship and before you will have sex to a man already in a relationship. Why were you even having that conversation

[SucksFake86]

Well from the fb status I'm pretty sure she knows the whole story and of course the partner is friends with them both.

He could well be lying but I trust him.

I said I wouldn't have him until I knew he was over her. I'm glad he loves her more as I said.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Why don't you befriend his wife then? seriously, you say you are lonely and in need of friends - why not her? Seems a natural progression to me.

I do understand you are lonely, but this is going to lead you to heartache, be honest with yourself - you are holding a candle for this man and your self esteem is so low that you would want to be "friends" without benefit just to keep him around? I'm sorry but the minute you give him the slightest bit of encouragement the flirting is going to start again. If my DP had did this, i would be insisting he cut all contact (well actually id have dumped him so you would have had him to yourself) with you. Even if you are genuinely just friends, i wouldnt want him talking to you.

Im so sorry but this man is taking advantage of you - i wish you could see this. Things will get easier - try some new mother and toddler groups, talk to your HV and ask her to recommend some. Try some volunteer work? Something you can take your DS along to - surestart?

[LEMisdisappointed]

My DD1 never knew her dad - she did ask about him once, when she was 16!! She was never ever bothered by it when she was younger. She hasn't bothered since, shes 22 now. Please don't make your problems your sons problems - you are projecting your loneliness onto him. I really do feel for you, i just think you are being taken advantage of. Is there a local gingerbread near you?

[Kione]

LEM I drew up with no dad and I only asked at 13 because I hadnt had the guts before. I had the shittiest time at school.and summer camos because i didnt know who my dad was and I never told my mum.
I am not saying OPs son will react like this, but to point out that everyone is different.
Some people just think that their experience is the only valid one!

[SucksFake86]

I know I'm low but I'm trying my best. As previously said I have tried every local group. By that I really do mean every one and I have given them lots
of chances so I'm not just giving up. We go to the park, swimming, sure start, another play and stay and soft play so we're getting out plenty. I don't mention to him that we don't have many friends, he notices himself. I'm friendly and I do try and i never show my true feelings to my DS and am always upbeat. I think it's harsh that you say I'm using my insecurities onto him.

[LEMisdisappointed]

I don't mean to sound harsh - im sorry if i did :( I do understad - if i am totally honest i found M&T groups hell on earth anyway. What did you do before you had DS? what sort of things do you enjoy

[SucksFake86]

Before I had my DS I would spend my spare time before my ex either at the gym or at the pub with my mates mixed in with shopping and the usual cinema trips.

[tametortie]

Whereabouts are you in the UK? Have you tried MN meet ups?

[lowercase]

You have an excuse / answer to everything. I think this is part of the friendships barrier you are experiencing.
It will also block you off from opportunities generally.

[SucksFake86]

I've had a look on the mn meet ups but the last post was in Nov so not exactly busy but then again I have an answer for anything. I won't post again so this thread can just disappear. Thanks.

[lowercase]

like i said, i had to carve a life from scratch.
taking on suggestions and a bit of humility was key.
MN helped me no end, theres some great advice here, but you have to be teachable.

good luck

[SucksFake86]

I have taken a lot on board and I've got a lot to think about which I wouldn't have if I hadn't of come here. Maybe I underestimated the harsh stuff people would say about me. Yes that may be naive and I'm not looking for any violins, but it's clear I'm not strong enough to take it as some have really hurt me and I don't need to feel any lower. Not looking for any sympathy or anything, just I can't take it all right now. Thanks to everyone that has contributed.