Why am I such a twat?

[SucksFake86]

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

[Opaljewel]

Zombie thread!

[PersephonePomegranate]

He's not coming clean at all, he's a rat who is hoping you'll offer him more.

In regard to you being 'a twat', go easy on yourself a little but stop this thing with this arsehole.

Try and understand yourself a little without condoning your actions or excusing yourself to continue. Perhaps your self esteem has been dragged through the mud and you're vulnerable to attention and feeling validated as a person right now? Perhaps subconsciously, being the OW makes you feel better about yourself because it casts in you in an assumed position of power, instead of weakness. Perhaps it feels good to let yourself go along with his (almost certainly fabricated) visions of the future, because it would mean you being the one who was picked.

Completely understandable but not an excuse.

[Eatprayrun]

Just seen this is a zombie. Sorry.

[Eatprayrun]

MN is good for people being able to tell you what your friends won’t say to your face. Of course you are lonely. No decent person wants to be friends with or date a woman who chases (and has phone sex with) men in relationships. Your son deserves better. You can be a better person.

[Narib]

It’s so easy to provide a person needs but to have the respect to acknowledge another human being we are so complicated I know this is an old post but as humans we need love trust sex and commitment to find it all is hard work but that first look that first touch is amazing don’t give up just keep your head it’s not just women who bleed

[Hashtagwhatever]

I dont think this makes you stupid nor him a user liar ect.

Sometimes people feel stuck with the one they are with and it isnt that easy to leave, saying that I dont think it will do you any favours to carry anything on with this man. Till he has made up his mind and isnt with his partner anymore.

And if you've feelings for eachother, it will be next to impossible to be just friends.

[lowercase]

I think MN will delete the thread if you want, though I'm not 100%

The world is not against you, stop being a victim, unless you want your whole life to stay this way.

[Buzzardbird]

I was offering support

[SucksFake86]

I know I said I won't be replying and as I started this thread I have to expect people to respond because otherwise there would be no point. I would appreciate it if people could let this thread die. I know what I did was wrong but I am putting things right and I just can't take all the personal insults anymore. I shouldn't have written this thread, that was a total mistake as I just can't deal with it. So yes I'm a stupid bitch, naive, desperate, low, boring and whatever else you can throw at me, I know! Please just leave it.

[BerylStreep]

OP, I am sorry that this is going to sound harsh, but you are falling for every trick in the book. You are the OW, and you are scrambling around trying to justify it.

Shame on you.

[Buzzardbird]

Don't give up hope Op. For all you know those women at the groups you go to might feel exactly the same as you but aren't as 'upbeat' as you are?
meeting other mothers was terrifying for me as I suffer with anxiety issues and it took a couple of years to really make any sort of friendships.
You have to remember that these other mothers are going to the groups also for some adult company. You just need to chat to the mom of whoever is playing with your son...but don't expect bessie mates from it.
the friends that you drifted away from because of your ex twat are the ones you should be concentrating on. If they were 'real' friends they will still be there for you after an apology and explanation.
good luck Op, don't be dis-heartened. You don't sound to me like you are going to get suckered in by this awful guy again and when you have built or re-built other friendships I am pretty sure you won't want his anymore.
e

[Looksgoodingravy]

Maybe you should look to your harshest critic - yourself. Your thread title says it all, that's what you think about yourself.

Tbh I think you've had some damn good advice on here and compared to other similar posts you've not been treated too harshly.

Perhaps reading reactions for part you've played in all of this is not something you're ready for.

The way to make friends is not to alienate people. Maybe the group you attend sees you and OM having cosy chats and that's the reason they give you a wide berth. People aren't daft, I'm sure they maybe sense something is going on between the two of you. Have you ever wondered that?

[SucksFake86]

I have taken a lot on board and I've got a lot to think about which I wouldn't have if I hadn't of come here. Maybe I underestimated the harsh stuff people would say about me. Yes that may be naive and I'm not looking for any violins, but it's clear I'm not strong enough to take it as some have really hurt me and I don't need to feel any lower. Not looking for any sympathy or anything, just I can't take it all right now. Thanks to everyone that has contributed.

[lowercase]

like i said, i had to carve a life from scratch.
taking on suggestions and a bit of humility was key.
MN helped me no end, theres some great advice here, but you have to be teachable.

good luck

[SucksFake86]

I've had a look on the mn meet ups but the last post was in Nov so not exactly busy but then again I have an answer for anything. I won't post again so this thread can just disappear. Thanks.

[lowercase]

You have an excuse / answer to everything. I think this is part of the friendships barrier you are experiencing.
It will also block you off from opportunities generally.

[tametortie]

Whereabouts are you in the UK? Have you tried MN meet ups?

[SucksFake86]

Before I had my DS I would spend my spare time before my ex either at the gym or at the pub with my mates mixed in with shopping and the usual cinema trips.

[LEMisdisappointed]

I don't mean to sound harsh - im sorry if i did :( I do understad - if i am totally honest i found M&T groups hell on earth anyway. What did you do before you had DS? what sort of things do you enjoy

[SucksFake86]

I know I'm low but I'm trying my best. As previously said I have tried every local group. By that I really do mean every one and I have given them lots
of chances so I'm not just giving up. We go to the park, swimming, sure start, another play and stay and soft play so we're getting out plenty. I don't mention to him that we don't have many friends, he notices himself. I'm friendly and I do try and i never show my true feelings to my DS and am always upbeat. I think it's harsh that you say I'm using my insecurities onto him.

[Kione]

LEM I drew up with no dad and I only asked at 13 because I hadnt had the guts before. I had the shittiest time at school.and summer camos because i didnt know who my dad was and I never told my mum.
I am not saying OPs son will react like this, but to point out that everyone is different.
Some people just think that their experience is the only valid one!

[LEMisdisappointed]

My DD1 never knew her dad - she did ask about him once, when she was 16!! She was never ever bothered by it when she was younger. She hasn't bothered since, shes 22 now. Please don't make your problems your sons problems - you are projecting your loneliness onto him. I really do feel for you, i just think you are being taken advantage of. Is there a local gingerbread near you?

[LEMisdisappointed]

Why don't you befriend his wife then? seriously, you say you are lonely and in need of friends - why not her? Seems a natural progression to me.

I do understand you are lonely, but this is going to lead you to heartache, be honest with yourself - you are holding a candle for this man and your self esteem is so low that you would want to be "friends" without benefit just to keep him around? I'm sorry but the minute you give him the slightest bit of encouragement the flirting is going to start again. If my DP had did this, i would be insisting he cut all contact (well actually id have dumped him so you would have had him to yourself) with you. Even if you are genuinely just friends, i wouldnt want him talking to you.

Im so sorry but this man is taking advantage of you - i wish you could see this. Things will get easier - try some new mother and toddler groups, talk to your HV and ask her to recommend some. Try some volunteer work? Something you can take your DS along to - surestart?

[SucksFake86]

Well from the fb status I'm pretty sure she knows the whole story and of course the partner is friends with them both.

He could well be lying but I trust him.

I said I wouldn't have him until I knew he was over her. I'm glad he loves her more as I said.

[Xales]

Well you know he is capable of lying as he has admitted he lied to her about who you were.

So what makes you think you, someone he has talked to for only 4 months is so special that he would not lie to you about sharing a bed or sex with his partner?

If he is giving his relationship another try then the lack of sex or sharing a bed is either bull shit or something that is being accepted in them trying again.

Either way is is nothing to do with you and he should not be sharing such information with you.

Well done for setting out your demands for a relationship and before you will have sex to a man already in a relationship. Why were you even having that conversation