Father/children relationship

[margaritadrakeina]

If your DH told you that your children were entirely your responsibility because you are a SAHM and he is the one who works, what would you say/think?

[badinage]

It's not actually that unusual for ft working dads to not think kids should interfere with many of the hobbies they had before kids, even if they don't say it...

Correction.

It's not unusual for sexist throwbacks to think like this, but it's not the default in working fathers at all. In all my years of having children, I've met one arse who's like this and his teenage daughter hates him almost as much as his soon to be ex-wife does.

When is he leaving OP?

[margaritadrakeina]

I do get a break when the children are in childcare because I am looking for a job. I have a second round interview this week. Since when is a 35 hour working week a ft job? Is it not 42 hours? If I get this job it will be part time.

He doesn't really spend time with them, no. Although I'm hoping that might change because he is away at the moment and he is missing them. I am trying to sort things out hence the question. People would seriously leave over that?

[SwedishKaz]

yes, I would seriously leave after that comment. IF he actually means it. Your dh seems to mean it. Does your children get any time with him?

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

Omg I can't believe he said that! Or that people accept that!
Good luck with the 2nd interview.

[HollyMadison]

What Waffly said in her first post.

You can also think about it in terms of leisure time. If one partner spends say 1 hour a day or 3 hours a week on computer games or gym or pub etc, other partner should have the same amount of time for his or her leisure. And that is leisure, not going to the supermarket!

[SwedishKaz]

Sorry, I answered on the mobile and didn't realise you had already said that your dh doesn't spend time with them.

My dad was always there for me and my brother. He worked full time, mum was at home, but as soon as he came home - he took over. He was the main cook, the one who played with us and the one who took us out for fun stuff in the weekends. My dh's dad was the complete opposite. He was a bit like your DH. The caveman attitude of "Man brings home food, woman cook, clean and keep noisy children away".
I know which one of us have the better relationship with our father now.
My dh also tries extremely hard to do better than his dad in terms of being a dad, and to always be there for our ds.

Maybe it was a bit hasty to tell you to leave him.
Perhaps you should consider marriage counseling?

[MortifiedAdams]

What has he done with them from birth? I know couple where OPs situation is the norm.for them and it starts at birth - either lack of confidence stops them doing things so the mums step.in and do it all which leads to them always doing all OR they dont get roped in right away to help and so never start down that route of shared responsibility.

DH had bath/bottle/bed as his area every day even after a day at work (how some clutched their pearls - "you dont have his dinner ready for when he gets through the door?! - You make.him.bath the baby, he has been at work.all day!") and by two.weeks.old he was taking dd out and about to do food shopping etc. Now at 16mo, she regularly has weekends totally with DP while I work or go away (as he does on other weekends).

[Iteotwawki]

I'd have a serious chat, including the points that were we to separate, the children would become his responsibility at least one night a week and every other weekend. Plus he'd either have to start paying for a cleaner and learn how to cook or he'd have to live on takeouts in squalor.

If he was serious, anyway. DH wouldn't say that (mostly because he's the sahp and I'm the full time breadwinner - but also because he isn't a twat) though.

He does all childcare while I work. I do all childcare when at home and he looks after house stuff like clearing up. Because he knows I want to spend time with my children and he knows that's as part of house chores as clearing away dinner.

We both sit down at the same time at the end of the day and if someone's still working the other will find something else that needs doing or will help to get the jobs finished faster.

Or what AF said.

[Pozzled]

OP, leaving aside what the comment says about his attitude to you (which is pretty damn awful), it makes me feel incredibly sad on your DCs behalf. Can he honestly look at his two young children and think 'they're not my responsibility'? I honestly don't think any loving parent could think this way. Part of bonding with your child is surely that sense of responsibility that you feel when you look at them and realise how vulnerable they are, how they rely on you for everything. Without that- they're just someone else's kids that you might be moderately fond of.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I know of someone who was told this and he never changed his opinion (so do not put any more hope on a slim chance he will change). The mother is still with him because of the lifestyle he provides for them. Her child will likely marry someone of the same mould as her Dad.

[badinage]

Too right I'd leave, but tbh I can't imagine ever deciding to have kids with a bloke who came out with this sort of corker or behaved that way. Nor can I imagine ever thinking this was the norm and being shocked when folk told me it wasn't. Do you live in some weird community of stepford wives and man-pleasers to have got to this age and think it's normal for fathers and husbands to behave this way?

But in any case, sod what everyone else thinks. What do you want for your children in the way of fatherhood? What do you think your children need from their father? Aren't those the questions?

35 hours is full time; that's 7 hours a day over a 5 day week.

[CinemaNoir]

But when he comes home the kids surely gather around him? So does he basically walk straight past them?
Will he mill around /play with them in the evenings for an hour?
Take them to the park or one activity on the weekend?

That would be for me the absolutely BARE basics of a parent working a full time job outside the home who isn't "that much into children". It's sad and for me incomprehensible but I know it exists (btw full time work where we are is more 60 hours though rather than 35).

With that little input into family life I would also expect my OH take care of all family admin and actually pay for hired help with the kids and household chores.

[PeppermintPasty]

You ask if people would seriously leave after that? I'd have a sharp talk with him first of course, but it would break my heart to see my children excluded from their father's life because he had his hobbies to catch up with or whatever. In a balanced life there's room for everything, but if he seriously believes that crappy statement I don't hold out much hope.

Mine is a SAHD at the mo and you would think he sees enough of them all week, but he still spends large amounts of time with them at the weekend/evenings. I'm not sure we I could function if he didn't.

[margaritadrakeina]

What do you mean what has he done with them since birth? I've BF them, so any night wakings have been my responsibility. They do gather round him when he gets home, and he does say hello, then he goes to wash hands/get changed etc. He's usually home just in time for dinner so then we eat, he will usually play with them for a bit after dinner (the alternative is helping me clear up the meal things!) unless they are annoying him/too tired, whiny or grumpy. Then it's bath time and bed time. DD goes to sleep immediately and I put DS to bed. On the rare occasion DD doesn't sleep, then he will go to her, but she doesn't like people around her when she's tired, so it's not often at all. The one time I went out (someone from our group of friends was moving away so we all went out to dinner) I left to him telling the DC that "Mummy doesn't want to spend time as a family so she's going out". He's never taken them out by himself because when he is there we "should do things as a family".

I never thought it would be like this before we had children, and as he was the one who wanted them I did think he would be more involved with them. But he whenever I suggested something like him getting up with them once in a while or taking them out he made it sound like I was being totally unreasonable about it, so I just assumed that I was.

[AnyFucker]

No, you are not.

he might have inseminated his semen to make a child, but he is certainly no father

You are enabling it though, love

Hoping the switch will flick in him just isn't going to cut it any longer, I am afraid

[Squitten]

I could not and would not live like that OP.

I'm a SAHM but my DH does tons with the kids, both as a family and on his own. I do most of the chores but if the house is a tip at the weekend (often!) he pitches in there too. We are a team - it's what you do.

I really hope that you can see how absurd it is that his leisure time must not be interrupted by the kids, whereas your leisure time is an abandonment of your family. You are married to a utterly selfish twat.

[cory]

My FIL didn't have this attitude and he was born in 1909. My grandfather didn't have this attitude and he was born in 1880. Throwback is putting it mildly.

Breastfeeding is no reason for not being hands-on from birth. Both mine were breastfed and dh was still fully involved in the nappy changing and bathing and soothing right from the start.

[badinage]

You've been out once on your own in 3.5 years?

And when you did, he bad-mouthed you to the kids?

And you think you're being unreasonable to want more for yourself and your children?

There must be more to this situation than you're letting on. Unless you live in a cocoon or some sort of restricted community, no mother in 2013 would think this was a reasonable way to live and co-parent.

Was your own father like this? Are all your friends' husbands like this?

[ClaireDeTamble]

I would tell him what WafflyVersatile said and explain to him that if he didn't book his ideas up, pull his weight in terms of housework and childcare and letting you have some relaxation and child free time without sarky comments about not wanting to do things as a family, then I would be leaving with the children.

I would also point out that this would then mean that I would get every other weekend off while he had his contact time.

[LadyInDisguise]

Bloody hell, No your are NOT unreasonnable.

What kind of father tells his children that mummy goes out because she doesn't want to see them???
Just shows that when he really really thought what he said in your OP.

And no it's not normal to give up looking after the dcs because they are grumpy. Are you doing that yourself?
No it's not normal that he has never been with his own dcs on his own.
no it's not normal that you were and still are doing all the night waking.

It's not an issue about leaving a partner over such a comment. It's the fact he has no respect for yourself nor for his own dcs.

[LadyInDisguise]

I would also point out that this would then mean that I would get every other weekend off while he had his contact time.

And that too!

[Numberlock]

If your DH told you that your children were entirely your responsibility because you are a SAHM and he is the one who works, what would you say/think?

Sadly, this doesn't surprise me in the slightest. This seems to be the attitude of every single man at my level within my company, hence being available for any business trip at however short notice, never having to be the one to leave the meeting on time to pick a child up, and the reason why I still get asked "Who's looking after your children".

[Hullygully]

I would think "Oh, that's really sad because now we are going to have to split up, bye bye"

[LadyInDisguise]

Number I agree with the fact that in our society, the expectation is that the woman is 'responsible' for the dcs so their job comes first, the the dcs whereas for women, it's supposed to be dcs first then job.

However, the OP is talking about more than that. She is talking about the fact that her DH doesn't even want to take responsibility for one small evening of his dcs and only did so grumbling. The fact that he only looks after them when it suits him (ie they are not grumpy but fun). The fact that he wanted children, says 'he misses them' but can't be arsed to be dad.

[Numberlock]

... and that's exactly what I mean by my colleagues. They are away most weeks from Monday morning to Friday evening, comment that they 'can't cope' with their children, and I doubt have any significant interaction with them when they are at home.