DP doesnt want me at his party.

[NaggingGirlfriend]

I've name changed, although I've written one other post under this name.

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years. I have a 9 month old with him.

Hes just got a new job and his birthday is also coming up. He mentioned that his workmates are planning a night out to celebrate. I've not met any of his friends at all. I found out I was pregnant on the first day of his job and haven't had a chance to go out for drinks and meet everyone. I feel like I'd be ok about getting my parents to babysit so I can go out for the first time in about 2 years.

When I said I was looking forward to meeting everyone he looked at me funny and made excuses about how I shouldn't be there because I cant drink because I'm still breastfeeding. I explained that I would express enough to last and it wouldn't be a problem. After a few other excuses he told me he didn't want me there because I'm 'too sensible' and people would find it weird and he cant relax around me because I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time.

I'm really, really upset about it but he's not said sorry, he was quite happy to leave the conversation there. When I told him that made me feel like crap he said 'see, this is why I don't want you there, all you do is argue'

I'm utterly confused as he has mentioned in the past that our problems are down to me not having a life of my own and that I don't make an effort to meet people. But now I have a chance, he wont let me. I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. This hasn't helped matters.

Am I right to be feeling as upset as I do or am I being over sensitive?

[looseleaf]

You are not a loser and this man isn't good for you. He is undermining your self-worth and dignity and you sound far far better than he is. I really don't think you should stay with him even if next steps are difficult. Can you set up on your own somehow rather than with family?

[Lweji]

You should really get rid of this man now.

He will do his best to take your self confidence to the ground, and then it will be a lot harder to leave him.

He may be better than the other, but he's still no good for you.

[Chubfuddler]

Your previous abusive relationship has skewed your twunt radar. Just because your current partner is less unpleasant than your last one doesn't make his behaviour ok.

[NaggingGirlfriend]

No he wasn't like this when we met. Although I rushed into things with him, I felt he 'saved me' from my abusive ex.

I don't think I could speak to my parents about our relationship (between me and then not me and dp) A lot of horrible things happened to me when I was younger, including rape that went on for a week and even in my bed which is still in my room at home. My parents were quite emotionally abusive when I was younger and knew something was up but wouldn't let me talk to them about it. All of that just slaps me in the face when I'm back there.

I don't think I could set up on my own. I have very little money and I don't know how I'd cope being alone everyday.

[TigerSwallowTail]

Do you still want to be with him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And please change your username. 'Nagging Girlfriend' is him talking and it is a pile of crap that is only serving to crush your spirit. What you are in reality is a responsible, intelligent, hard-working adult woman. A good mother with high personal standards & who could do a lot better than to stay saddled with an irresponsible, abusive and offensive excuse for a man.

So change your username to something that is 'you' and not his twisted version of you.

[mummytime]

Please phone Women's aid, they will help you. You cannot go back to your parents, but equally you need to get rid of your P.

I would then suggest you do not get involved with anyone for a while, and get yourself some counselling and maybe do the Freedom Program. You need to learn to set boundaries, to gain self-esteem and to learn new ways of living and thinking.

You can do it!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I don't think I could set up on my own. I have very little money and I don't know how I'd cope being alone everyday."

Yes you can. There is a lot of help available for women in your situation. There is emergency accommodation, state benefits and you can even talk to your GP about counselling if you don't have friends and family to fall back on for emotional support. There's even MN!

Being alone every day is preferable to being in a relationship with someone who despises you. You'd have your child and, because he wasn't around constantly nit-picking and criticising, you'd start to have the confidence to get out, make friends, get a job and everything else.

Please call Womens Aid .... 0808 2000 247

[rootypig]

Oh OP, you are not a loser! please don't say or think that

You sound strong and capable in so many ways - you take care of your DD, the house, the bills. And you are here and talking about it, which takes awareness and courage.

I agree that you should get out as soon as you can. This man is emotionally abusive, he is undermining you, and you say he is "getting nastier every day". That's scary. There is help to support you to move on. Talk to Women's Aid, if you can, even just an initial chat to get a picture of what support they can offer, and what other services there are that you can use. Or if you have a decent SureStart centre near you with a benefits drop in clinic that might seem like a less overwhelming place to start? These services can support you - emotionally and practically - to protect yourself and DD, and can advise you about housing, benefits, jobs, childcare.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

You're not a loser! Don't say that about yourself. It sounds to me like you have very low self esteem, and he is taking advantage of that.

He is trying to blame you for everything, when it's not your fault.

Have you had counselling?

I have been in a similar situation, and I can honestly say I am much happier on my own.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

This is really sad, he's done a right number on you.

Your not a looser at all, many people make relationship choices that turn abusive. Just because he's not beating you doesn't mean he's not an abusive arse. I found emotional abuse and put downs worse in some ways than the physical abuse ( I made many many bad choices)

Phone women's aid, they should be able to support you in some way. I found them lovely and really helpful.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

*loser even!

[MMMarmite]

I'm so sorry about the way your parents treated you.

Women's aid could help you set up on your own, you can call and ask what help is available without having to commit to anything.

I too think being alone every day would be better for you than being with a partner who emotionally abuses you. And you're likely to find that once he's out of your life, it's easier for you to make friends and keep in touch with your old friends.

[wordfactory]

OP it sounds like he doesn't like you one bit and frankly I can't see any reason why you would like him either! He sounds horrid!

Don't stick around for someone who has a low regard for you, and so few redeeming features.

[NaggingGirlfriend]

I've had counselling. Lots of it. I stopped it when I got pregnant though.

I don't think I can bring myself to phone women's aid. I feel embarrassed and I get really flustered on the phone. I will email them though.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

E-mail is a great idea. You could even post a link to this thread if it helps illustrate what's been happening. Why did you stop the counselling when you got pregnant?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

23 you have so much life ahead of you and a lovely DD to share it with, the time spent with Dopey will fade into insignificance. Give WA a call they'll give you advice and the wings to get up and away.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... you realise he probably hasn't told the people he works with that he's even in a relationship? What does he do for a living?

[ItsAFuckingVase]

I'd say there's nothing wrong with not having partners along to nights out with colleagues. I'm the only woman in my department and we have nights / days out to which partners have never been invited. I'm not ashamed of or hiding anything from my DH, and would be happy for him to meet my workmates - just not in that setting.

However, the way in which your DP justified himself or explained himself was not on at all.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

PS NaggingGirlfriend is a misnomer you could qualify as LovelyCapablePersonPlusDD.

[MMMarmite]

ItsAFuckingVase the OP has said that other people at the party will be bringing partners.

OP, an email sounds great.

And you are not a loser - you have survived an emotionally abusive childhood, you have got yourself counselling (a huge achievement in my view, I know how painful counselling can be), you have given birth to a beautiful daughter, and you are clearly very capable as you sort out all the bills, housework and childcare. That's a huge amount to accomplish by 23 years old.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Hi

You have loads of time to turn your life around, I promise. I left a hideously abusive XH at 29, and my next relationship was with someone a bit less abusive. I got out of that at 33.

It sounds like you had a horrible start, and your 'D'P is carrying on the work started by your parents. Big hugs and

I agree with finding out about what you can claim in benefits and so on and contacting Woman's Aid - email sounds like a good idea if you can't face the phone.

I agree with others about changing your name - I'm sure you're not a 'nagging girlfriend', that's the kind of crap men come out with when they're caught out being shitty. How about something like Lifewillbebetter

[KatieScarlett2833]

Or "kickedthearsebadgertothekerb"
Too US ?

[IDeserveBetter]

I'm back with a new name.

So I emailed womens aid. I feel a bit weird about it, I can imagine that the person who receives it will think I'm being a drama queen.

Dp called me on his lunch break just after I sent the email (He rings me on every break at work, even though Id prefer him not to as he just moans). He was acting like nothing had happened and was very chirpy. When he asked how I was I told him that I was still really upset about what he said last night. He said 'what part' and then when I explained he replied with 'well I'm sorry that YOU took it that way.' I told him that was a terrible apology and yet again making it seem like I'm the one with the problem.

I reiterated just how he is destroying my confidence and that I deserved better and he agreed. It wont last though, he only agrees to shut me up.

Thanks for the support.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Oh the weasel non-apology.
DH tried that once.
It didn't go down well.